Kokadrille - Hello Poetry

Sometimes I just want to be Who you want me to be Because that person seems happy Or at least content Not shifting constantly And it's hard to admit that these flaws, Though not contagious, might be deadly The surface tension is amazing I can barely keep it in and therefore Am afraid to be touched But if you left me, Like all the other half-empty glasses That had hoped you'd take the time to see what was inside, If I don't mind telling you a few Of the secrets, because I need to make room For other things, I am hungry for the empty spaces There's no way to eliminate who you really are inside Beauty, like chaos, needs no reason to occur It simply takes shape Like watching you sleep That not-quite smile, In brutal silence, The involuntary loneliness of insomnia Unable to accompany you in your dreams And I know you could never love me like this You are trapped outside the empty glass And it hurts to think of you any other way

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Feb 14, 2015

Feb 14, 2015 at 7:52 PM UTC

Internal

Sometimes I just want to be Who you want me to be Because that person seems happy Or at least content Not shifting constantly And it's hard to admit that these flaws, Though not contagious, might be deadly The surface tension is amazing I can barely keep it in and therefore Am afraid to be touched But if you left me, Like all the other half-empty glasses That had hoped you'd take the time to see what was inside, If I don't mind telling you a few Of the secrets, because I need to make room For other things, I am hungry for the empty spaces There's no way to eliminate who you really are inside Beauty, like chaos, needs no reason to occur It simply takes shape Like watching you sleep That not-quite smile, In brutal silence, The involuntary loneliness of insomnia Unable to accompany you in your dreams And I know you could never love me like this You are trapped outside the empty glass And it hurts to think of you any other way

40

There are a million ways To begin an apology But nothing is as honest As admitting “I ****** up." Now I’m sleeping on a twin bed Unable to move on without you A fist in my mouth So I can't say I'm sorry Without breaking my teeth. You had a raccoon’s grip On this relationship And you held on Even though it killed you But I’m a practiced martyr Trained in your guilty pleasures You called me at 2 in the morning To say I love you So please don't hurt yourself tonight And please ******* eat something So we go Every time I'm losing it You're losing me You asked if this would be the day You’d finally have the strength to walk away If this would be the day I’d leave my room. And you're staring at me I woke up screaming I can't hear myself but I see you moving Like something's wrong With your hands on my shoulders and whispering I wish I could be your skin So I could let you feel sunlight And protect you from yourself I will wear all of your misery So you can see what it's doing to me. I've got your concern wrapped around me A 2 AM Tourniquet Then you left And I am sleeping on a twin bed With no room for apologies Or for you To sleep beside me.

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Feb 12, 2015

Feb 12, 2015 at 11:24 AM UTC

Twin Bed

There are a million ways To begin an apology But nothing is as honest As admitting “I ****** up." Now I’m sleeping on a twin bed Unable to move on without you A fist in my mouth So I can't say I'm sorry Without breaking my teeth. You had a raccoon’s grip On this relationship And you held on Even though it killed you But I’m a practiced martyr Trained in your guilty pleasures You called me at 2 in the morning To say I love you So please don't hurt yourself tonight And please ******* eat something So we go Every time I'm losing it You're losing me You asked if this would be the day You’d finally have the strength to walk away If this would be the day I’d leave my room. And you're staring at me I woke up screaming I can't hear myself but I see you moving Like something's wrong With your hands on my shoulders and whispering I wish I could be your skin So I could let you feel sunlight And protect you from yourself I will wear all of your misery So you can see what it's doing to me. I've got your concern wrapped around me A 2 AM Tourniquet Then you left And I am sleeping on a twin bed With no room for apologies Or for you To sleep beside me.

45

You wonder how she'd love you. In the ways I never could, In ways too clumsy and honest, just like you, Parts of myself I let die early on In favor of thicker skin That silhouette in your eye betrays you But I've learned not to ask What you're thinking about Those glances just beyond me Because were you to pry Into all these boarded tunnels, You'd find her buried in me a thousand times Murdered by my suffering I wonder if you know, you've never been forgiven But Love is a magic trick Trivial to those who understand how it works But many of us Are enraptured by the performance I wonder how she'd love you If you'd make her feel less lonely Because she'd pry the nails off Let you into the attic of her past lives Your fingers could pull handfuls of her pain Out of future gardens Places in my soul I'd never let you touch Where I buried my bodies Where I planted beautiful things And cultivated this Still rising Not quite a phoenix Or a shooting star The thing that admits it is ugly Because ugly is appreciated for what it is In a way that beauty never could be

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Feb 6, 2015

Feb 6, 2015 at 5:13 PM UTC

The New Girl

You wonder how she'd love you. In the ways I never could, In ways too clumsy and honest, just like you, Parts of myself I let die early on In favor of thicker skin That silhouette in your eye betrays you But I've learned not to ask What you're thinking about Those glances just beyond me Because were you to pry Into all these boarded tunnels, You'd find her buried in me a thousand times Murdered by my suffering I wonder if you know, you've never been forgiven But Love is a magic trick Trivial to those who understand how it works But many of us Are enraptured by the performance I wonder how she'd love you If you'd make her feel less lonely Because she'd pry the nails off Let you into the attic of her past lives Your fingers could pull handfuls of her pain Out of future gardens Places in my soul I'd never let you touch Where I buried my bodies Where I planted beautiful things And cultivated this Still rising Not quite a phoenix Or a shooting star The thing that admits it is ugly Because ugly is appreciated for what it is In a way that beauty never could be

38

Over the past few miles of my life I’ve been dropping friends Like breadcrumbs In case I ever had to Find my way back To when I was still happy. There are no goodbyes Only transitions To our more distant positions Multiplying sunrises by sunsets. We became straight edged puzzle pieces That slid apart no matter How close we tried to be. In the quietest rooms We could be holding hands But maybe it’s better To just keep to ourselves. And without you here No one can remind me This is a heartbeat Not a time bomb And these reds and blues inside me Surely can’t be wires Needing to be cut. This is breathing This is the tempo to the requiem Because goodbyes don’t say ‘follow me’ And this is a heartbeat This is a time bomb I need to know If you go and I explode Who will wipe me from the walls?

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Feb 6, 2015

Feb 6, 2015 at 5:10 PM UTC

Past Tense

Over the past few miles of my life I’ve been dropping friends Like breadcrumbs In case I ever had to Find my way back To when I was still happy. There are no goodbyes Only transitions To our more distant positions Multiplying sunrises by sunsets. We became straight edged puzzle pieces That slid apart no matter How close we tried to be. In the quietest rooms We could be holding hands But maybe it’s better To just keep to ourselves. And without you here No one can remind me This is a heartbeat Not a time bomb And these reds and blues inside me Surely can’t be wires Needing to be cut. This is breathing This is the tempo to the requiem Because goodbyes don’t say ‘follow me’ And this is a heartbeat This is a time bomb I need to know If you go and I explode Who will wipe me from the walls?

33

Someone told me Spiders are a good omen This morning A little brown spider Nervous Hurried across my wall So this will end well In spite of everything And I know you like the barefoot sound of thunder That any minute now will be dancing through the gutters I think of you Now an old man in a city somewhere How you’d never come with me Never trap nature behind a windowpane The trees are the backs of naked ghosts Receding into doorways of mountain shadows Somehow the trail you thought Would take you to a safe haven Led you down the street To some bar and quiet routines With a glass in your hand and an ear for Jazz thunder You know all the greats, The booms and beats of different clouds How every shade of grey is a melody And how in the city The puddles shine and the sky is paved So turning the world upside down Would change nothing.

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Feb 6, 2015

Feb 6, 2015 at 5:09 PM UTC

Omen

Someone told me Spiders are a good omen This morning A little brown spider Nervous Hurried across my wall So this will end well In spite of everything And I know you like the barefoot sound of thunder That any minute now will be dancing through the gutters I think of you Now an old man in a city somewhere How you’d never come with me Never trap nature behind a windowpane The trees are the backs of naked ghosts Receding into doorways of mountain shadows Somehow the trail you thought Would take you to a safe haven Led you down the street To some bar and quiet routines With a glass in your hand and an ear for Jazz thunder You know all the greats, The booms and beats of different clouds How every shade of grey is a melody And how in the city The puddles shine and the sky is paved So turning the world upside down Would change nothing.

28

You had my attention Like so many other things you took without permission You talked about how strange it was That sunrise is often wasted on the sinners People sick with themselves, tortured by shortcomings But how beautiful it must be, to get in bed with the sun While the rest of us resort to being held by the moon Too comfortable with the middle ground not marked by failure, Because no attempts at freedom had been made, And it was sort of startling to find out You were ready to make amends I had always figured We left our mistakes for dead Never thought you visited the graves I'd been tending to Thought the ghosts were left to the mercy of the wind This room is like a shrine to our last fights Still unwashed and littered with misery after misery The drinks we took like they made us holy The things it was no one's turn to clean The words we thought we didn't mean, But were destined to be repeated I snuck out last night Cheated on my future with past mistakes And even though it hurt It was good to see them all again, knowing Our arguments gave the neighbors something to talk about in the morning

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Feb 4, 2015

Feb 4, 2015 at 12:04 PM UTC

Post Mortem

You had my attention Like so many other things you took without permission You talked about how strange it was That sunrise is often wasted on the sinners People sick with themselves, tortured by shortcomings But how beautiful it must be, to get in bed with the sun While the rest of us resort to being held by the moon Too comfortable with the middle ground not marked by failure, Because no attempts at freedom had been made, And it was sort of startling to find out You were ready to make amends I had always figured We left our mistakes for dead Never thought you visited the graves I'd been tending to Thought the ghosts were left to the mercy of the wind This room is like a shrine to our last fights Still unwashed and littered with misery after misery The drinks we took like they made us holy The things it was no one's turn to clean The words we thought we didn't mean, But were destined to be repeated I snuck out last night Cheated on my future with past mistakes And even though it hurt It was good to see them all again, knowing Our arguments gave the neighbors something to talk about in the morning

26

We were flying down the turnpike Taillights trailed behind us The residue of our wings We were angels then, out of our minds Drunk on youth and envy They called us troubled, but we were Proud of our lives We were turning into stories for our grandchildren I remember No one would admit it, but I wasn't supposed to be there But all the laughter orbiting the car kept me safe Though I was always in my head The quiet one, that's what they call the old souls Million miles away They were ready to take over They would end suffering with their naive ideals of a better place Have the tired and ancient ones offer them the world So they could rule it, destroy it, make it fitting for their royalty And I took notes Nice to have the memory of feeling invincible If not angry And afraid to sleep More afraid to admit it Because those dreams I had were always ending Presenting me with daylight and ***** dishes And the cold floors of strangers.

0

Feb 4, 2015

Feb 4, 2015 at 12:02 PM UTC

Like Angels

We were flying down the turnpike Taillights trailed behind us The residue of our wings We were angels then, out of our minds Drunk on youth and envy They called us troubled, but we were Proud of our lives We were turning into stories for our grandchildren I remember No one would admit it, but I wasn't supposed to be there But all the laughter orbiting the car kept me safe Though I was always in my head The quiet one, that's what they call the old souls Million miles away They were ready to take over They would end suffering with their naive ideals of a better place Have the tired and ancient ones offer them the world So they could rule it, destroy it, make it fitting for their royalty And I took notes Nice to have the memory of feeling invincible If not angry And afraid to sleep More afraid to admit it Because those dreams I had were always ending Presenting me with daylight and ***** dishes And the cold floors of strangers.

26

We cut our teeth on these uncertainties And when the blood dried, and the smoke cleared One of us was a little stronger, though none the wiser And selected to continue, jaws forward aimed at the weakening sun Who would travel across the world to leave you, but you chase, Motivated by starvation Wild and with eyes that lack remorse, A totem of the darkness and the things you swore Would never see the light of day You know time can be so painful, as she sticks into you, passes through Reduces you into nothing but your ghost and corpses You become The children you’re so desperate to teach a lesson by leaving I want to be big I wanted to be so much bigger But these are your mistakes And mine is not the right to take them I can only hurt, the way you hurt when you make these decisions I will make myself a fire in a hearth, Roaring in my place, and never venturing Knowing how dangerous I have been, and could be How sometimes hope ends up in ashes But I'll be here Because when you fall you’ll need a place to land The blood dries and the smoke clears And much to our surprise You and I are both still here.

0

Feb 4, 2015

Feb 4, 2015 at 11:57 AM UTC

It Was Inside

We cut our teeth on these uncertainties And when the blood dried, and the smoke cleared One of us was a little stronger, though none the wiser And selected to continue, jaws forward aimed at the weakening sun Who would travel across the world to leave you, but you chase, Motivated by starvation Wild and with eyes that lack remorse, A totem of the darkness and the things you swore Would never see the light of day You know time can be so painful, as she sticks into you, passes through Reduces you into nothing but your ghost and corpses You become The children you’re so desperate to teach a lesson by leaving I want to be big I wanted to be so much bigger But these are your mistakes And mine is not the right to take them I can only hurt, the way you hurt when you make these decisions I will make myself a fire in a hearth, Roaring in my place, and never venturing Knowing how dangerous I have been, and could be How sometimes hope ends up in ashes But I'll be here Because when you fall you’ll need a place to land The blood dries and the smoke clears And much to our surprise You and I are both still here.

30