I found it !
Betchu , you don't even know about it.
I bet it hurts, but it's gone hurt much more - as we go deep into the future person!
I don't think you deserve your title !
Simultaneously I think you do.
This thing I found - I don't think I was supposed to find this proof.!
I thought I needed confirmation from death - and look who brung it to me.
They say mental problems are something that's inherited.
I thought that was overrated - this paper shows me something different, its too ****** vivid.
It's like a nightmare , that I'm embracing .
Running from the devil , then get trapped in a corner - just to face him.
I don't think this was meant for me - ok but if it was.
Who can I run to for help - when it was you that I trust?
How can I trust you - when you ain't got no confidence yourself?
And you never said that - honestly I never thought , I wouldn't be in need of your help.
Instead you're the one crying out for closure.
I knew the feeling was off that day when I woke up.
I didn't pay any attention - I left , I thought there was something in the world that I was missing.
I knew that feeling was off , I come back a few hours later - to a cut on your arm?!
Wow , this **** so ****** hard to believe - I look down and see a letter, covered in red.?!
Honestly I think god for sparing your life and many others that would've been affected - I would've been mentally dead.
However , now - scenarios keep consuming my head .!
All the " what if's" and the "why the f*** did you do this".!
Still as hardened cement - not one single sound, escaped from my lips.
Person you're a coward - I can't ****** believe you .
I'm no better , I guess you can say we're both getting mentally strangled by life's chain.
So who's stronger - I always wanted to do it , but never had the courage - you did it but didn't get submerged in the red rain.
I guess it's better to stop running and just embrace the pain .
I'm numb , this feeling - honestly isn't like any other !!
I found your sui-cide letter mother...
Apr 7, 2018
Apr 7, 2018 at 7:18 AM UTC
Adolescent, child - he was raised in the wild.
The urban hoods of the north - yet he loved reading books.
Quite more than the average , was he overlooked.
All from the way he looks .
A deep pain in his eyes , from a life he'd not yet experienced - yet will forever despise.
Being judged from the outside , in - was something he could never understand.
Twisting and twirling his thoughts - way before , he got trapped in the dark.
Long before life , could trace him in chalk.
His life is a spark , that could easily embark - his new life of crime.
Fast forward through some time - he isn't a child - so now , on the streets , he relies.
Although , he hasn't realized - the tests , he has to try.
He isn't ready , yet deep in his eyes - a scorching fire begins.
Something everyone sees , except for him .
He's too used to hurt , false words, broken promises , plus more.
Not eating too many days out the week , plus he sleeps on a floor.
Often gazing in the reflecting glass , as if , it is a door .
To a different realm , his mind starts to unwind.
He sees that he's gifted - he doesn't make the right picks.
Using his talents , to fill an empty stomach .
Using his eyes and words of persuasion, to intimately- punish.
Multiple females insides, often looking older than what he is.
They loved him - chocolate , and charming , with a tongue that caused the ultimate pleasure.
All the while , he's nowhere near , showing feelings for them .
Caught up in his own troubles , of gangbanging and life.
Scheming how to get back up , after he tripped - from his ultimate stride.
At night , he gasp and he cries - only on the inside.
He knows this life , preys on the weak.
He's done a lot of bad doings , perhaps that's why cold sweats- interrupt most of his sleep.
Maybe from drug dealing, cheating , and robbing .
You know - causing other people misery .
He couldn't possibly have ever seen - the smack that came hard .
The big steel door , or the enclosed yard .
Detained.
He was only 16 , facing 3 to 5 years .
For a fight that was in school , 4 felonies.
At first he felt , now he knew - this isn't cool.
What the hell would you do .?
Pray every day?
Stay awake every night ?
The judge cancelled 3 court hearings , two months in a row.
He considered suicide - this pen on his cot , started to glow.
He prayed to god , as he dropped to his knees.
The first time he actually took a higher being seriously.
He got out Friday the 13th , with not a single felony .
Record clean , and this isn't a dream.
Skip the follow ups , since now he barely gives a ****
Middle finger in the middle of his face, causing people to say "what a disgrace".
Not even knowing the basics, that's what this poem is .
The basics of his life - since y'all won't ever get the details.
Living a life he can't tell , he smiles everyday - like nothing bad has ever happened.
This guy is me , our mind is the ultimate weapon.
Jan 26, 2018
Jan 26, 2018 at 9:00 AM UTC
Is it bad that I'm losing feelings for you ?
The world keeps changing - but I had faith in you .
Your words don't match actions , I don't want no spoken proof .
You used to make my heart leap through the roof .
Things aren't the same , we grew up , at the same time - things started to change.
I was thinking you'll be mine for life - now I know , that isn't right.
I just wish you didn't tell me that like every night.
I keep silent with all of my might .
Y'all don't understand , how I've been feeling inside .
I feel like a demon who cries - but a tear never leaves from my eyes
I try to yelp - but no fear ever leaves from my mouth .
I'm cursed with a blessing , of writing more than I talk .
Sometimes I have faith in the dark - since that is, what makes up most of my heart.
My life's full of light , but no spark .
A vast ocean of ****** fish - however, who is the shark ?
That's harsh reality - cloudy - I squint , because I'm trying to see .
If I should release this demon right up out of me.
Hate to say , I'm proud of - me being - what I hate to see.
I view obstacles & run straight at em , although - they could break my knees.
When life gets harsh - sometimes I wish I could just get up & ******* leave .
I don't wanna breathe , or take a deep breath .
**** being calm & relaxed - this pain coming back to back .
I think I'm starting to relapse .
Jan 24, 2018
Jan 24, 2018 at 9:05 PM UTC
**** it - this what I asked for ,
Now should I beg for more ?
Tell me ,as it consumes my core.
My brain been on a different level lately .
No more creative thoughts - they're all looking gloomy & dark .
Unsuspected ****** to my back - and the pain is so sharp .
I can't ever trust a soul - ain't no telling who's really here for me.
Me - being the main one everyone seems to call .
When their light vanishes - yet I'm the one rarely panicking.
It's my life - that's faker than a mannequin.
They say I should breathe - inhale deep & exhale a little slower .
I don't feel like anyone cares - why should I let this feeling roll over?
Now , why shouldn't I take my life ?
Living hasn't been feeling too right - maybe dying would be a little more nice.
I haven't even been smiling the same .
Who has the controller , to this ****** up game - it isn't fair .
So if death a little more equal - than **** it , I'm not even scared.
& when I'm in front of the devil , & god ask why'd you do it - I'll yell " **** it , **** - I'm already here"
No ,I'm not taunting no being - this is how I truthfully feel .
Numb to the world - I thought I'd be used to the pain .
This pain is like an eruption of fire , mixed into the clouds and the rain .
Then you're soaked in the heat - as poverty pulls at your feet .
Like a great battle that you're constantly losing - you try to retreat , and quicksand cease all of your moving.
I'm stuck with irrational thoughts , thinking , "I can't ****** do this".
Intelligently clueless, this mind is so crucial .
Jan 24, 2018
Jan 24, 2018 at 9:03 PM UTC
Marinating in pain , losing conscious of my subconscious .
I need a manual to this manipulative mind.
Mind over matter , but I can't seem to gaze into that looking glass, & stay proud of myself.
Somehow , still self confident - I'm really not too fond of y'all help.
I'm trapped in a dark room , surrounded by ovalish lights - all eyes on me.
You see , this room is my mind , and these lights are my thoughts - yet I still can't seem to calculate where the **** is my heart.
I'm dull with a spark - of something unexplainable and cold.
It feels like god made me the only one , who's intrigued with cracking this code .
A smile hides a million tears , tell me something I don't faithfully show.
Im in love with the pain , but often I pretend like I'm not .
Persuading my limbic system that I don't love anyone , so maybe the pain can ease - since I know it won't stop .
It all came crashing - so very swift .
Simultaneously nothing seemed to make the slightest of switch.
Bad choices seem to invade like the most uncomfortable itch .
Itching my soul , to become a better person .
Hopefully these feelings don't cause my coldness to worsen .
Lately the devil has been continuously working .
Like a plague , that keeps spreading - it must die down .
Though happiness is far - I shouldn't frown .
For it will come back, when I stop saving pain from being drowned .
Jan 24, 2018
Jan 24, 2018 at 8:55 PM UTC