Thought I had it all figured out
This was what I wanted without a doubt
So why do I feel so out of place
Constantly in a dark space
If it’s not this then it’s that
Walked all over like a door mat
My opinions don’t matter so why bother
Feel like i’m a lamb to the slaughter
Just existing until the day I don’t
Want to speed it up but I won’t
Sick of living with this sorrow
Wondering if it’ll be better tomorrow
What’s the point of trying anymore
Just want to be drunk on the shore
Staring out at the ocean knowing true peace
Instead i’m being broken piece by piece
Not much left of me
Is this how it has to be
Always the bad guy
No matter how much I try
I’ll never be what everyone wants me to be
Am I supposed to always feel this lonely
Wonder when the day comes that I snap
Will it feel better than feeling like crap
Should I like the idea of being isolated
Start doing drugs until my eyes are dilated
Maybe then i’ll forget about this pain
Maybe then i’ll get off this train
That takes me to every depressing stop
Slowing falling from the top
Losing my grip on everything i’ve had
I guess i’ll end up exactly like my dad
Every single day my happiness will deplete
How do I stop feeling so Incomplete
These are the thoughts that remain
This is it, I’m lost again
May 22, 2022
May 22, 2022 at 11:55 PM UTC
I’ve been being selfish for so long
Stuck in my head i’ve got it all wrong
On the sidelines while my family is in pain
Wish we’d talk more but I refrain
Don’t want it to seem like I don’t care
It’s unfair, this responsibility i bear
I know it’s not my fight
But it doesn’t feel right
Sitting here doing nothing for you
Maybe that’s why i’m so blue
I feel so helpless and I don’t know what to say
Scared that you won’t be here someday
I can’t find those special words
Or sing a beautiful song like birds
Something to take away all your trauma
Hopefully someday you’ll forgive mama
I hate seeing my family so torn apart
Physically feeling those tears on my heart
Hard to celebrate holidays being incomplete
Wish i could shake this feeling of defeat
What i’d give to be back at that wooden table
I know we might not ever be stable
But i miss laughing as a family
Maybe it’s the insanity
Going through another heartbreak
Everything you do feels like a mistake
You’re so much more than you seem
The MVP on my team
You’ve done so much for me
Someday you’ll see what i see
We’re all outcasts
Not the first or last
But you’re my older brother
Held it down without our mother
Without you I would’ve been so scared
Thank you for the love you’ve shared
Foster care was no match for us
So many things we need to discuss
Like why we stopped playing ball
Or how did i get so tall
I wouldn’t be who i am without you
I wouldn’t be alive without you
Never told you but you talked me out of trying
When the only thing i felt like doing was dying
We’re all so hurt
We’ve been dragged through the dirt
Yet we always had each other’s backs
I just wish we could have that back
I wish I could help.
Jan 10, 2022
Jan 10, 2022 at 7:14 AM UTC
It’s not okay to be not okay
Smile through pain every single day
Life’s too short to worry
No one cares about your story
You’re not depressed it’s just a phase
Your head isn’t a boiling maze
Everything is going to be okay
You’re scaring everyone away
You don’t actually want to stop living
Just hurry up and get over the feeling
It’s time you start acting like a man
Remember it’s all part of some bigger plan
So just smile and move on… right?
No there’s darkness in the light
Can’t have happy without sad
Can’t have good without bad
See it’s okay to not be okay
Not everyday is a good day
You’re going to feel alone
Might turn off the phone
Ignore everything and everyone
Ask yourself if you’re really done
No one knows about your pain
Walk alone in the heavy rain
You can pretend everything is over
Or you can forget about being sober
You only live once right
Why not forget about it some nights
Now i’m not saying become an alcoholic
Or numb your feelings until you’re robotic
Just that you don’t always have to be okay
It’s okay if there’s no smile on display
Please remember it’s okay to not be okay
Jul 9, 2021
Jul 9, 2021 at 1:42 AM UTC
Love is a huge part of our life
From Stranger, Friend, Girlfriend, to wife
You’re the one i want to grow old with
Staring into your eyes has been a gift
We’ve had our up and downs
Our smiles and frowns
Life’s been better since the day we met
No matter how annoyed we may get
I know we’ll find our way to one another
Someday you’ll make a great mother
I remember fighting for your attention
Like i was in another dimension
Knew that you’d be the one
Oh how this journey has been fun
I’m not the best person but for you I try
Don’t need drugs because you get me high
We’ve both got things to work through
But you make believe love is true
It’s 3 am and i miss your face
Showed me that home isn’t a place
It’s wherever you are
No matter how far
Adoring you while you’re asleep
Reminiscing cuddling to lil peep
The walks, talks, showers, and flowers
The first time we shared a kiss
When my mind wonders it goes to this
At work and i’m thinking of you
Gives me the motive to push on through
You’re the reason my world rotates
You and I dear, are Soulmates
Jun 25, 2021
Jun 25, 2021 at 3:43 AM UTC
The floor beneath my feet creaked
It’s been silent in this room for a week
Your body was found right where i’m sitting
The words on this letter have my head splitting
How could you be okay with leaving like this
All i can do is cry and clench my fists
I’m so angry that you left me here alone
Why didn’t i just pick up my phone
Maybe if i did you’d-
Maybe you’d still be here
I hope this made your pain disappear
Are you okay with knowing you’ve broken us
Or have all your memories turned to dust
Gone like you
I miss you
You’re so selfish I just don’t get it
After a week the feeling finally hit
You’re actually gone
What did we do wrong
We all loved you and showed that we cared
Why couldn’t you just get scared
What did you even have to fear
The love was always right here
Maybe we didn’t love you enough
Or maybe we loved a little too rough
Either way you’re gone and i hate you
i hate you so much i’m turning blue
Now look what you’ve got me doing
What happened to the dream you were pursuing
I can’t help but punch your bed
What was going on inside your head
Couldn’t you just talk to me at all
Or is that why you had called
Why didn’t i answer the phone call
I’m begging to god as i sit here and fall
It wasn’t your time to go yet
I keep thinking about how we met
Just little kids at the same school
We always thought we were so cool
Especially riding our bikes to the shop
Shared the same bus stop
We’d always race to the top of the street
I’m lying here crying on your sheets
I’m sobbing in my sheets
I thought about not doing it
Even tried to call for a bit
I just wanted to hear your voice again
Maybe it would help ease this pain
I’m sorry i didn’t say goodbye
I’m just done living this lie
I pretend i’m happy but inside it hurts
Only seems to keep getting worse
Tried talking about it but no one listens
Yet they always ask why i seem so distant
I know you think you love me but you don’t
I can’t keep on going so i guess i won’t
Don’t think of this as my suicide letter
I just hope this makes it a little better
Mar 27, 2021
Mar 27, 2021 at 12:43 AM UTC
When I leave the world will still spin round
I’ll be buried six feet beneath the ground
Look inside my head and you might get sick
Life is a disease, it’s just one big tick
Slowly draining my existence
Keep your distance
I’m tired of being let down
I’m sick of letting you down
Every single day i drown
Misery’s popular in my town
Suicidal thoughts since i was ten
Cried for help, was told to be a man
Developed a strong hatred for men
Have the worst of luck with women
Tried to end it multiple times
Went savage and committed multiple crimes
Looked for any excuse to start a fight
Drinking every night because it felt right
Avoided mirrors and degraded myself
Took pills, washed it down with what was left
Of the bottle known as my only friend
I ponder when my life will end
Took matters into my own hands
It feels like no one understands
I don’t think i’ll ever be okay
I’m sick of hearing what they say
Tell me it’s fine, that i’ll get through this
When deep inside of me there’s an abyss
One i can’t seem to get rid of
No matter how hard i push and shove
This feeling of being empty
I think about this plenty
I’m sick and tired of feeling this way
I’m sick and tired of today
I’m sick and Tired
Mar 14, 2021
Mar 14, 2021 at 6:49 PM UTC
My biggest enemy is me
I may be miserable but i’m free
How can i be enough for someone else
When i’m not even enough for myself
I despise the person i see in the mirror
With everyday the reason gets clearer
I find comfort in being broken
Rather be lonely on this path i’ve chosen
All i know is abandonment, neglect, and pain
Which is why i find peace in the rain
I stare at myself and question my worth
Thinking of the day i’ll leave this earth
I shatter anything that could be good
Maybe i’m just misunderstood
I’m not a good person
My pain will only worsen
Because i want it to
i’m scared of something new
Whenever i have hope it’s quickly lost
Lost so many things but what’s the cost
I closed my eyes and counted to ten
Decided then i’ll never try again
So when things start to look up
Leave it to me, to self destruct
Jan 6, 2021
Jan 6, 2021 at 1:21 AM UTC
Forget everything I said
I’ll be alone until I’m dead
The voice in my head was right all along
The bottom of this bottle is where I belong
It’s about time I stepped on the brakes
About time I gave my heart a break
My minds a dark place but I feel safe there
Sure it hurts but at least I’ll be aware
I know where the pain is hitting
I torture myself and it’s fitting
I deserve all the hate I get
Tried against my odds and lost the bet
When I hear your name part of me shatters
you’re happy and that’s all that matters
you made me feel whole again
but now my heart has hardened
i wish i wasn’t so in love with you
especially when you text out the blue
i get happy to know you still need to use me
and i’ll go wherever you need me to go
i’d tell you anything you’d want to know
i would do whatever it was you asked of me
show you the flaws of my history
i’d be there and i’d do that
do anything to have your back
but you’re better off without me here
no one cares to wipe my tears
i’ll only start to make things worse
and this is why love’s a curse
Nov 12, 2020
Nov 12, 2020 at 2:31 AM UTC
Some things are better left alone
some days i’m better off my phone
waiting for that text that’ll never come
back’s against the wall i refuse to run
i’ve run from so many problems in the past
i told myself that she’d be the last
and so she was, the last person i truly loved
can’t remember the last time i was hugged
i feel so empty and broken inside
last time i think i actually died
nothings been the same since that attempt
maybe that’s why i always feel contempt
tell me you hate me, hit me as i cry on the floor
don’t stop if you see blood, hit me some more
this is what i told you i deserve
there’s a part of me that you’ll always reserve
which means i’ll never be happy again
i’ll never feel the way i did when i was ten
once i turned eleven you showed up
i took you in like i would a lost pup
except you knew exactly where you were
you’re the cause of this pain i endure
you make me tired when i’m wide awake
you’re the reason i want to drown in a lake
i don’t know how much more i can take
even if i heal it won’t be long before i break
don’t you see old friend, i’ve given up already
shaking as i type there’s no way to keep steady
breathing’s uneasy
stomach’s feeling queasy
blade in my hand, i’m prepared for the end
congrats depression, you’ve won old friend
Nov 2, 2020
Nov 2, 2020 at 10:59 PM UTC
I gave you my damaged heart
Trusted you, but you tore it apart
In the corner thinking in the dark
Stabbed me deep, you really hit the mark
I don’t want you on my mind
Never knew love would be so hard to find
You put me in the mood to get wasted
I’ll never forget the way your breath tasted
The little noises you make while you sleep
Cuddling while we listen to Lil Peep
I know you don’t mean it but you tear me apart
We knew it wasn’t a good idea from the start
I’m sorry I caught these stupid feelings
Wish we could go back to the beginning
Avoid any complications and just stay friends
I hope it doesn’t but I’m scared of how this ends
I break my heart and you hurt my head
Can’t shake the feeling that I’m better off dead
The thought of losing you absolutely breaks me
Maybe that’s the way it has to be
I’m just not good for anyone
If only I could’ve gotten the job done
Maybe the world would be a better place
Hating myself while tears go down my face
I know this situation is all my fault
Think it’s time to just store my heart in a vault
Throw it in the cold bottom of a lake
Hope no one finds it for their sake
And here I am turning my pain into art
Don’t feel bad, I’m the one who tears me apart
Oct 11, 2020
Oct 11, 2020 at 11:16 AM UTC