Long walks and promised collaborations,
An outlook you've kept to yourself.
You watch that web-series I referenced,
And, of course you have, it's just like you.
I had vivid dreams about the apocalypse,
(In the biz, we call this foreshadowing.)
And looking back now, I wish that I could --
Wish that I had never met you. (I can't.)
Unfortunately, you're intrinsic to the human experience.
Like the red flag that tempts the bull,
You've caused all this motion in me,
but this was never meant to be more than humorous.
Long walks and written songs,
Upon receiving time and effort
locked away in a ziploc bag,
we talk about meeting parents properly.
And we don't know that the end is near.
And we don't know you're friends with the devil,
You won't stay by his side, but you find a way
To hand his sins to me, pretending they're mine.
---
And I wasn't perfect,
But do you ever think about what he did?
Did your two-faced thespian ever tell you
that I never once lied?
Did he stroke your ego ?
Did he tell you how he used to curse your name,
Just for the chance of what you had ?
And did the devil, master of his craft,
Ever reveal the cracks in his story?
Did you learn too late?
Did you learn at all?
---
Four years have passed.
Do you still try to convince yourself?
---
When someone comes to you,
Helpless and alone,
Begging for someone to hear them,
Does my name taste bitter on your tongue?
When you hear the statistics,
When you know who it is,
Do you ever think about me?
It's been four years,
And you are happy.
And I, in all my disgust,
know that one day I'll forgive you.
---
And deep down, I know
You care not for what was done.
But I don't want you,
I want the floor.
Jan 29, 2024
Jan 29, 2024 at 6:00 AM UTC
I'm the ghost of the family tree;
I've pruned the branch that once held me.
And yet, in the absence of connection,
I find that I yearn for your voice.
Jan 29, 2024
Jan 29, 2024 at 5:31 AM UTC
lately, it seems when you call you speak you mind,
motion to hang up before i can even consider mine.
do i exist simply as a gateway for you to speak?
my lover leaves me lonely,
my best friend soon to be alone on a plane
back home to me; tape him up in bubblewrap
beg him never to leave
so much time is spent in this room
isolated enough to warrant yellow paper
still, the textured white walls seem sentimental
they do not feel as big as the bed
it is so lonely without you, darling
but even when you are here,
it remains so empty
i reach for you in the night.
try as i may, even when you linger
you are so far, my darling,
too far to reach; too far to hold.
and i find you only see me once i turn away.
is it my eyes that alarm you, so full of emotion?
or do you want me just close enough for warmth,
but not close enough to listen to?
the broken furniture holds your motion,
still are the shadows that hold your shape,
and i cling to the pillow that isn't quite your length
but it will let me hold it; it will let me love
i picture you in the shower,
borrowing shampoo, speaking of coconut cream
and my dreams are only tinted memories
are you leaving me in the chill of the air conditioning?
perhaps i'll never know until you finally close the door;
the season has only just begun, my darling
there are so many half hours still to yearn for you;
i'll be quiet and laugh at your commentary until the credits roll
i'll quietly await the sudden goodbye.
May 13, 2022
May 13, 2022 at 2:17 AM UTC
i feel so guilty when i hold you
to your word.
( you said you'd be here! )
but today i kissed the grave of my past
and wept for the girl i was
as you caught up
on much needed rest --
but why did you stay up so late
the day before you promised
to stay?
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
i don't need you to cherish me every day,
i promise! i promise, i promise, i promise!
but today ... would have been easier
with you, here.
your laugh,
a pleasant distraction from reality.
your voice,
a pleasant distraction from myself.
oh well,
there's always next year.
i hold myself a little tighter.
Apr 12, 2022
Apr 12, 2022 at 3:31 AM UTC
comforts and consoles, but understands
that a girl like me needs more than just understanding
relish in my sweet suffering,
oh, how i adore you.
call me your good girl,
call me your lover boy,
but do these words reflect me?
or merely my desire to be desired;
to be loved, cherished, adored.
am i a girl or do i like to be praised as one
do pronouns reflect my vessel or do i simply
wish to be the shape thats molded within your grasp,
(hold me, just hold me, don't worry about who i am.)
i didn't choose my name, but it gets the job done
i didn't choose my name, but it sounds good on your tongue
i think i just want to be addressed
i think i just want someone to talk to me --
which words with a slash cause that reaction fast?
am i a good girl? am i a pretty boy?
should i do more, be more, be like them
would it suit your fancy; would i?
who am i, if not a collection of "please" and "yes"
opulent confusion;
so many options but what fits? what do i try on first?
if my perception of how i'm addressed is "it works"
then who is it working for?
am i a girl?
am i a girl? am i a girl?
or did i just like the way it felt
did i just want to be looked at and examined
and deemed necessary ... and loved ... and seen.
god, i want to be seen
but what do i want to be seen as?
who do i want to be seen as?
who do i want to be seen with?
and where should i be seen? which parts of me?
examine me, aren't i pretty?
put me on display; hang me in your gallery
but who am i? who am i? who am i?
maybe i'm just faking it
maybe i'm nothing at all
Apr 5, 2022
Apr 5, 2022 at 7:03 PM UTC
every-body but me
every body but mine
the death of a star,
i burn my brightest for you
[in the hope we'll intertwine]
why is it that she's so much prettier than me?
i flash back to a school dance,
to the image of her,
half clothed and dancing in her dorm
does she do it for you?
do i? would i? could i try-?
why is it that i'm so insecure when the habit breaks?
like you're loading a new save and i'll be replaced,
[like i'm the memory of a shirt you know you used to have.]
did you give it away? did you lend her to a friend?
did she come back stained and tattered,
balled up and laying on your floor?
is she attracting all the moths cause you don't want her anymore?
maybe i'm naive; maybe i place too much energy
in words -- in the building blocks that form life
that form like castles in the sand; or castles in the sky,
i'd love to change the ending, but you were never mine
Mar 29, 2022
Mar 29, 2022 at 3:33 AM UTC
The light pours in, and I've finally rested
The dawn is a welcoming view
I've kicked off the linens, for nothing compares
To the way I am warmed by you
Keep my eyes closed, memorize this moment
The way that your breath matches mine
And I can hear your smile through your voice
As our legs gently intertwine
How many nights did I spend hoping,
For a day that could feel like this?
The children stir from the other room,
And we cling to our "five minutes more"
The spell breaks as we stretch,
No match for their knock at the door
With smiles that crinkle at the edges,
With eyes that wrinkle in the corner,
You take on the challenge of breakfast,
As the chill begs me to dress a bit warmer.
And it occurs to me that this is it,
This is the way I knew it could be.
So, I sit content in my mirage of a marriage
Laughing at the smell of slightly burned pancakes.
And I marvel at
The phantasmagoria
That has become my waking life.
The lyrics I've written to encapsulate your presence
The inside jokes and the family first-meetings
The good and the bad and the nights left awake
Just Talking and Talking and Talking and Talking and
Sharing interests; movies, music, desires and dreams
And I . . .
don't know how to tell you
that I have no more wishes,
There's nothing left to rebuild.
There's no crystals and candles and meditation needed
to manifest what's since been fulfilled.
Mar 28, 2022
Mar 28, 2022 at 3:13 AM UTC
Starved or over–fed by the stars,
Ivory tints to the shade of strawberries
Over Ripe
And wondering when she'll heal.
He's busy in his study, looking up the way
That a plant can cure the sting.
Often she wonders, as she looks to the sky
Do stars twinkle in morse code,
Whispering secrets for us to hold?
She feels too young to know the answers,
But she always finds her way.
She know the moon has begun to love her,
But she's always led astray.
And she holds onto his sweet nothings
Like it's a fraying rope,
Praying they'll survive this.
But he's been silent these past few days,
So she runs to the highest hill.
Looks up to the stars, asking for guidance.
And even the universe seems conflicted
And the divine asks for her advice on timing,
And she feels afraid, she's shrunk again,
And this time she's much too small to see.
The moon guiding her.
The stars wishing on her.
The sun tinting her pink to make her blush.
The universe pushing her forward.
All she sees is him, but he isn't looking back.
She sees him in their room at night,
and at the bottom of her chardonnay
She's so sure he'll speak to her,
So she stays, ready to listen.
Feb 26, 2021
Feb 26, 2021 at 5:00 PM UTC
it's electric
chilling to the touch
can't let go of the idea
your hands gliding
down my arms
to grasp my hands
it's a silly i suppose
the way i dream of you
but i can't help it
have we met before?
or do you stay here
during waking life?
locked away, as i remain.
longing for the moments of rest
where i'll still find you
do you wait for me?
between delicate dreams
and a fifth dimension?
do you know how you move me?
phantom touches of fingertips
as you look into my eyes?
god, i'd love to be loved
to remember the glow if it,
even for a moment.
to remember how it feels
to wear a borrowed sweater
or to lend mine to a lover
to wear it.
the hug that lasts
'til you decide it's over
to feel it.
the warmth that lingers,
your heart in their sleeves
to breathe it.
the smell of their cologne,
the connected memories of being held
held in a way that let you know
that they never want to let go,
that to do so is a temporary measure
so later on,
they can embrace you once again
reliving the euphoria of human connection
but is it love?
to crave when you are so starved
or is it merely loneliness
to crave the escape of a lover's arms
carefully wrapped around you,
as they whisper low
those sweet nothings,
telling you that you are everything
when you have felt so empty
a resurgence of half-filled cups,
rose-tinted outlooks and lovesick melodies
exchanged glances that form their own languages
and i want so badly
for a name to be honey in my mouth again,
so sweet i am afraid to open up and let it out
i crave so deeply the feeling
of being fully clothed and yet naked,
fully myself and fully in love.
and i may be a romantic,
but i don't need flowers at my door
i don't need you to tell me what your heart is for
i want the little things,
tag teaming the dishes as you tell me your day,
the rough draft of the email you need to send
( if it needs an edit, i promise to be kind )
nothing speaks of love like the mundane,
to share a life; to share even a moment
what else could be so intimate?
i want to know your middle name
or to invent, should you not already possess one
i want to have knowledge that gives fae their power
i want to know your favorite color,
so i can wear it when i'm alone
to encapsulate the meaning
i desire above all else,
to be loved
with only the best intentions
why would the world be beautiful
if every inch of it didn't deserve
to be enveloped by love?
i ponder alone
Jan 12, 2021
Jan 12, 2021 at 6:15 AM UTC
i want the butterflies
glowing in my lungs
whispering nervous truths
i crave the breath
catching in my throat
warm bodies brought together
i'd **** for dancing
physical, verbal, tantric
never knowing who is leading
---
i miss first dates
the hopeful feeling fraught with nerves
fidgeting as you giggle at jokes that aren't funny
and all the learning,
favorite colors that grow to anecdotes
and then to second dates
all the time it's blossoming;
blooming into something real,
butterflies depart, letting only light remain
and i can stop the pining easily
love songs are vibrant; poetry melts hearts
but don't romanticize me
---
i've been the final girl at a haunted house
cleaning up bodies; exercising ghosts
i don't need your love to be full
i don't have another half, i'm already whole
and you can be my twin flame, if you won't fizzle out
i've had many matches that only left smoke
---
and if our love is a circus, and you are the clown
don't be surprised if i wait in the crowd
i'm done pulling teeth; and i'm tired of games
friend, lover, soulmate- i'm tired of names
i'm tired of labels that differ but all feel the same.
when i'm set alight, i'll be feeling no shame
and if you want all of me, i'll have no regrets
but don't string me along, i'm no marionette
Jan 10, 2021
Jan 10, 2021 at 12:48 AM UTC