I am afraid to love you again
I want to feel that love and then some again
but not the hurt.
You tell me that you can't keep doing 'this' to me
I must ask what is 'this'
and if you can't then why do you?
I think what you meant was
You don't want to hurt me because I don't deserve it and I will go away
You don't want the consequences of your actions
But the thing is
You just don't know how to do that
And although I could stick around an wait for you to work on it and figure it out
I dont' want to.
Changing a behavior takes trial and error
I do not want to risk that.
Mar 14, 2023
Mar 14, 2023 at 3:05 PM UTC
It hurts. It hurts to see him. It hurts to see him smile.
It hurts to see him sad and broken. Like I have been
And like I have made him many times before,
despite my intentions
It hurts to see him walking
because every time,
he’s walking away.
It hurts to see him go run in the rain.
Wishing I was the water droplets on his skin.
Because he found the joy in the thing most disliked
With the lightning and thunder chasing us
But that’s just me daydreaming now
It hurts to push past him in the hallway,
with his scent reminding me of all the time
That never was and couldn’t have been
It hurts to see her in the halls,
with the hoodie I used to call mine.
It hurts to know that I can’t be there for him.
When I know he needs it,
but he just doesn’t want it from me.
I want to love him, not manipulate and use him like she did.
Not try to change him into something that he’s not just for the benefit of my own,
like the other one did.
It hurts
It hurts to know that all of that is gone.
It hurts to know that I can dial the same number but it’s never going to ring
It hurts to know that I’m going to call him anyway.
Because breaking old habits is hard.
“The telephone number you have dialed is temporarily not in service.”
Sep 15, 2019
Sep 15, 2019 at 11:54 AM UTC
I'm not going to rant to you
as you may not understand
You have always said
promised to me, over and over again
that you will be there to talk to
if i ever dare feel the need
In a moment of weakness
i try to use the words
that i know you will not understand
english is a harsh language
With hard, stiff, stone letters
Sharp words
Blunt
The tough, callused hand
better at beating you down
Than helping you up
Other languages
A way to comfort you in a relation
a way to turn these stiff ways of the tounge
to silk and fresh water
to something
easily, gentally, softly felt
As smooth as a cold, gliding glacier's stream
English is the langague
for facts, explanations
plain, blunt topics
It's hard to have words for feelings
Emotions
ways of the heart
But other lanauges don't have words for such things
They have words, phrases, exchanges, dialects, customs
for moments
for memories
for dreams, almost out of reach
So when I try to explain to you
What i am going through
behind the "I'm fine."
"You know what I mean?"
"Uh, not really"
Well ****
Now you know the thoughts inside my head
Twisted by your interpritaion
your intake
of me
Sep 12, 2019
Sep 12, 2019 at 12:37 PM UTC
I don’t wanna be your girl no more
Can’t you see
I’m not me
I want
to be your friend
I want
To be here for you
I want
Your arms here
for me
God I want
But there’s some **** I can’t forget
Just know you left bruises
just that
Bruises
They could be worse
The second time
You left scratches
You pierced my skin
Congrats
It stings a little
The next time there was a cut
But not left by you
Although the impression of you lingered
Lost but found with the tip of the blade
The loneliness of night
Escorted by the open arms of a sad playlist
Just take from this
Just remember
Just know
How much you changed
In my view
Now it’s my turn
Sep 12, 2019
Sep 12, 2019 at 12:26 PM UTC
Everyday you’re here
I count until your gone
For I know it is inevitable
But my calculations were wrong
And you are gone too soon
And I didn’t get to say
That I ...
Sep 5, 2019
Sep 5, 2019 at 9:41 AM UTC
I can't be alone with these thoughts of mine
My mind runs like a hamster on a wheel
Sometimes it just won't shut up
I need to scream
Let it all out somehow
Some way I just need to feel at least
free
of me
I am locked in a cage, and no one has the key.
People gok
I'm a bird in a cage. Flapping my wings, only hurting my self because the cage is too small.
May 31, 2019
May 31, 2019 at 2:19 PM UTC
How are you?
is a simple question
with a loaded answer
I'm fine
I'm good
I'm great
The bigger the word, the larger the lie
Feb 10, 2019
Feb 10, 2019 at 9:46 PM UTC
Happy 6 months sweetie! I love you so much <3
6 months
120 some days
but all i remember are the nights
of loneliness
staring at the ceiling
wondering a million what-ifs
and what-did-i-dos
what if i never brought it up
what if you never texted her
what if we just talked
what did i not do that she did
what did i do that wasn't enough
not skinny enough?
not kind enough?
not perfect enough?
i've concluded
not enough
curling up
holding my stomach tight
breathing heavy into my pillow
so no one knew
my anxiety attacks about you
thinking about you
and then her
really leaves me here
to think with my mind unclear
left with a smear
nothing to do
no one to go to
but you
only
you are not there
not in the same way
as before
or at least
not for me
Feb 10, 2019
Feb 10, 2019 at 9:46 PM UTC