I’ve done my best,
keeping that door shut tight.
There’s so many locks,
and not one ray of light.
You would think,
that’d be enough.
Sometimes it is,
and sometimes it’s rough.
It isn’t dead.
How do I know?
I hear it moving,
and breathing slow.
It’s still there,
inside my dreams.
Sometimes a shadow,
in my periphery.
It still shows me memories,
so I’ll never forget.
PTSD flashbangs,
of when we first met.
The first time it took over,
and locked me inside.
Driving my body,
as I cowered and cried.
The endless bottles,
the abuse of myself.
The dark endless nights,
staring up at the shelf.
The taunting laughter,
from outside that door.
The thoughts of an ending,
when I couldn’t take anymore.
Now that I’m “better”,
and now that I’m “sane”.
It’s hard to remember,
the intensity of that pain.
That forgetting is dangerous,
because it’s still alive.
Waiting for the chance,
to grab me and drive.
Maybe one more lock,
just to make sure.
But I can’t find the keys,
to the locks from before.
It’s been quiet lately,
and I thought that was good.
But now all I see down that hall,
is broken locks, and splintered wood.
****
Jan 25
Jan 25, 2026 at 2:29 AM UTC
Seven years ago,
that’s when the problems began.
I started self medicating,
with a Tennessee brand.
At the top I had it all,
married with two kids.
I was finally in six figures,
when the **** began to skid.
Love had grown cold,
and became an abyss.
A couple of drinks to ease the stress,
but I felt ice in every kiss.
It became a routine,
when you simply shut down.
The drinks helped me forget,
but they also helped me drown.
Then one day we were strangers,
who were sharing a life.
I didn’t recognize the woman,
who I had asked to be my wife.
Then came the eruption,
and the stones were cast.
The family tore apart,
and WE became past.
Fast forward a year,
and I’m being let go.
The company’s closing,
and I’ve nothing to show.
Then goes the house,
and the car that we owned.
Everything is stripped now,
and I’m down to the bone.
Self medication,
is what helps the pain.
You were cheating the whole time,
and now you’re with what’s his name.
Now the medication,
is what’s causing the pain.
I’m trying to stop,
but I’m stuck in this lane.
Self medication,
self destruction in disguise.
Hospital visits,
simply wanting to die.
Looking back now,
it was a nightmare it seems.
One I couldn’t wake from,
that still haunts my dreams.
I wasn’t an alcoholic,
I had a mental breakdown.
I used the alcohol,
so I could help myself drown.
It took a long time,
and I’m still healing slow.
But hell came to earth,
and I was part of the show.
So forgive yourself,
and try to move on.
Let go of that pain,
and realize that it’s gone.
If you’re trying to forget,
then you’re lying to yourself.
So do yourself a favor,
and put the bottle on the shelf.
Dec 29, 2020
Dec 29, 2020 at 3:08 AM UTC
The weight of the world,
has settled at last.
The world shifted on,
as I fell to the past.
I open my eyes,
but they do not obey.
I taste copper in my throat,
and the sweet scent of decay.
I can hear splashing,
so faint it’s a dream.
I can also hear breathing,
and I just want to scream.
My arms will not listen,
when I tell them to lift,
and something is scraping,
with small groaning shifts.
The breathing is closer,
and the breath is so foul.
It’s trying to speak,
but its voice is a growl.
I’m trying to scream,
but my voice is a squeak.
Then my blood runs cold,
as it finally speaks.
“Payment”, it growls,
in a gravely tone.
And then I feel its touch,
and shiver to the bone.
The shape shifts away,
and the weight is now gone.
I open my eyes,
and am blinded by the dawn.
I blink at the figure,
hunched over the oars,
and stare out at the water,
looking for shore.
I want to ask the question,
but then I see his hands.
There’s no doubting the decay,
of the limbo ferryman.
Sep 30, 2020
Sep 30, 2020 at 4:27 AM UTC
I stood in the rubble,
and felt the heat from the flames.
Searching for taillights,
but the glow never came.
Our life slowly burned,
that we built as a team,
and a nightmare slowly grew,
where there’d once been a dream.
I didn’t know what to do,
once I knew you were through.
So I just watched the carnage,
and lost my mind too.
I didn’t understand,
but I think now I do.
You was the broken vase,
and I was only the glue.
I thought without me,
you would just fall apart.
I never considered,
you lied from the start.
I never fixed you,
like I thought all along.
Your sheer will held the pieces,
and that illusion was strong.
You went through the motions,
but not out of hate.
I know that came later,
but maybe it was fate.
Now that my heads clear,
I can finally see.
I can see the spiral,
that was once you and me.
I believed we were fine,
because I simply had to.
I think deep down inside,
I always knew.
Now that I’m clean,
I can’t lie to myself.
I can put aside pride,
and look up at that shelf.
The shelf built of lies,
that kept me alive,
as I slowly killed myself,
and drowned on the inside.
I can see now,
that it’s flimsy and frail.
The joints are all rotten,
and the paint has grown pale.
All that’s left to do,
is to tear it all down.
I think one hit will do it,
and crash it to the ground.
I’ll do it tomorrow,
if tomorrow should come.
At least I know the truth,
and you know what you’ve done.
Aug 12, 2020
Aug 12, 2020 at 5:14 AM UTC
I’m wearing a smile,
but the smile’s a lie.
I’m holding back tears,
but my eyes remain dry.
They say the way to the soul,
is seen through the eyes,
but if that is the truth,
then you can see my soul’s died.
I’m emotionally weak,
but too stubborn to break.
I scream at myself,
for being so ******* fake.
No one would know,
how broken I am.
Lying is my art form,
and self hatred’s my jam.
How can you love yourself,
when you hate who you are?
Hiding behind falseness,
like skin behind scars.
Maybe one day,
this disguise will explode.
Then you’ll see the real me,
and my world will implode.
Till then it’s my secret,
between me and myself.
So just look at my smile,
and ignore everything else.
Aug 12, 2020
Aug 12, 2020 at 3:40 AM UTC
I stopped falling today,
and I’m finally free.
I reached the bottom,
where it’s too dark to see.
Panic and fear,
no longer have hold.
The anxiety’s gone,
all that’s left is the cold.
Now I can focus,
on the climb that’s ahead.
But for now I’m content,
that I’m alive and not dead.
The pain that I held,
deep inside me so long,
is finally receding,
as I accept all my wrongs.
No more tears or shame,
they can’t reach me anymore.
No more hateful thoughts,
waking up on the floor.
Now I know I can do this,
I just need find my feet.
But for now I’ll just lay here,
where hell and bottom meet.
Apr 23, 2020
Apr 23, 2020 at 12:43 PM UTC
I’ve forgotten a time,
when pain used to hurt.
A time when it didn’t encompass,
my every day and thought.
I’ve forgotten the feeling,
of what hope was like.
Taking for granted the times,
when I just assumed everything would be ok.
I’ve forgotten how to act,
relying on reacting to things instead.
Realizing my defenses are already up,
they are simply just shattered and broken.
I’ve forgotten what happiness feels like,
what living in a moment is.
Every day has just become a struggle,
a fight to make it to the next, and the next.
Pain used to be my measurement,
how I would remember moments.
Now the pain is constant,
and the days are all one.
Love...is a memory,
one I can’t quite trust.
I think I had it once,
but perhaps it was just a lessening of pain.
Perhaps tomorrow I’ll remember,
if tomorrow should come.
Or perhaps the pain will end,
and I will have to decide which is worse.
Apr 22, 2020
Apr 22, 2020 at 3:07 PM UTC
Bottle an emotion,
or put it in a pill.
I’m trying to move forward,
but I’m only standing still.
Past becomes the present,
but my presence is in the past.
A nightmare that’s grown teeth,
to tear me apart at last.
What do you see in him,
that you didn’t see in me?
Why was I so horrible,
that you had to get free?
Now I need medication,
to fill the void that’s left,
but I cannot find the colors,
that left my soul bereft.
Am I really crazy?
I only ask cause I can’t tell.
Every day that I wake up,
is like waking up in hell.
Emotionally castrated,
full of wounds that never heal.
I wish I could be normal,
but I’ve lost the ability to feel.
It breaks my heart to think,
that there is no going back.
Because the past is now the present,
and the colors are all black.
So I guess that leaves the future,
and all I can do is hope.
Hope that my future past,
will allow for me to cope.
Feb 29, 2020
Feb 29, 2020 at 1:27 PM UTC
“Do you remember this place?”, I ask as I sit down in the grass next to you. You look over at me, the sunlight glinting off of your hair as a soft smile spreads on your face and kisses your eyes with warmth.
“I could never forget it,” you say.
We both stare out across the pond, drinking in the setting sun in a silence that seems eternal and comforting.
“How long do we have?” I ask.
You look over at me, smiling once again, but this time there is sadness in your eyes. “Not long,” you say.
I nod.
I look over to the church, the light glowing off the whitewashed boards, and sigh. Memories flash through my head.
Good memories.
Perfect memories.
“Do you remember my vows?” I ask, looking over at you as you pick a flower out of the grass. You nod, and smile. “I stayed up half the night before our wedding, trying to find just the right words for that poem. I had already picked out the frame and told the people that I wanted to put that picture of your parents with the poem up front. I wanted to make sure they were there, for you, even if they really couldn’t be. I thought I could just wing my vows.”
You look at me, a single tear falling from your eye.
“Once you were there in front of me, and the moment was there, I couldn’t think of a single thing to sum up what you truly meant to me. So I said the only thing I could. That you are everything to me.”
You take my hand, softly squeezing as another tear falls. “It’s time to go,” you say.
I look at you one last time, and lean over and softly kiss your lips, taking in the life one last time that I always wanted.
“Goodbye my love,” I whisper.
Then you are gone, and the last ray of light dies away.
You were everything to me. Everything.
Feb 18, 2020
Feb 18, 2020 at 10:39 AM UTC
I close the door,
but it swings right back.
The latch has been broken,
and shot full of cracks.
I try to fix it,
try to take it all back,
but then it opens on darkness,
and I’m consumed by the black.
I want to step through,
to see if it’s still the same,
because it beckons to me,
softly calling my name.
That’s when I slam it,
and try to hold the **** still,
as something tries to turn it,
and break through my will.
That’s when my fingers,
grow sweaty and numb,
and I can feel the pressure increasing,
and I start to succumb.
The **** starts to turn,
and I start to lose my grip,
and then I stop fighting,
and my fingers slip.
I step away,
as the latch softly clicks,
and the dark whisps escape,
growing feelers to lick.
Then I am lost,
and stepping through the door,
hoping that it won’t shut,
but not caring anymore.
I’m bathing in nothing,
and I feel the memories cut,
as somewhere off in the distance,
I hear a door slam shut.
Feb 4, 2020
Feb 4, 2020 at 12:36 AM UTC