IamThatGirl
19/F/Sweden
Hi, I´m a 19 year old bisexual girl who spends 99.9%of her time in the stable. I struggle with mental illness as well as dyslexia. My poems are more or less short stories easily converted to a rap more than a standard poem. I´m just here to spill my guts
welcome to a house of terror,
we are a family of smiling wall starers,
this is a happy life you know,
and this happend just a couple of years ago,
I used to wake up and get dressed,
hide from all of the rest,
as I speed away to school,
I only felt like the world was cruel,
when I finally go there,
I used to hide next to the toilet-chair,
because I needed some seconds to beath,
before I went out and joined the heat.
pushed, teased, beaten, kicked, defeat,
I stood my grounds my my heart fell down.
I went home thinking my day would come around,
but it never did, I was always hellbound,
nasty words and beatings was my usual greetings,
until I took that gun and POPPED,
no, but I wish I wouldnt have stopped,
because now I still live in fear,
and I always wounder if the end is near.
May 21, 2018
May 21, 2018 at 4:47 PM UTC
we live in a world where money means more than your life,
you have to work hard to support your kids and your wife,
nobody cares that while your child was in labor,
your wife died and your kid came out as her equal,
we live in a word where grades mean more than your life,
you need to get straight A´s in a system where they won´t help you advance,
you suffer from depression, ADHD and some more,
you are not a brat or just bored,
but they don´t care that last night you slit your own wrists with a blade,
come back to school today - you need to improve this grade.
we live in a world where looks mean more than your life,
you have to be attractive to get anything in life,
they don´t care if you are anorexic, bulimic or if you have social anxiety,
all they care about is that your scars can only be portrayed in your personal diary,
we live in a world where were locked in a cage and told what to do,
they tell us who we are, how to act, and what to do,
they do not care about our personal struggles,
they could care less if you were on the very brink of committing suicide,
as long as you don´t disturb their plan its fine,
you will be forgotten, if they struggle with it you will be called selfish, for hitting rock bottom - with your face first.
because they don´t get, they can´t imagine that your struggles was way worse than theirs, a lack of compassion splits us from the rest,
don´t expect no help when you scream in distress.
May 21, 2018
May 21, 2018 at 10:43 AM UTC
When everyone's asleep
I admit my defeat
When everyone celebrates
My depression elevates
Because while everyone is dreaming on
I stand frozen and watch my dreams burn on
And while everybody gather with family and friends
I stand lonesome and watch my world burn again
May 9, 2018
May 9, 2018 at 8:31 PM UTC
Depression is like a wall you have to climb to succeed,
depression is a rock pulling you down the stream,
depression allows all insecurities to take over,
depression holds you back from everything you love,
in the end only making it worse,
it feels like there is no where out,
just a blade on your wrist and pills in your mouth,
but Im not ready to give up allthough I have tried,
what Im ready for is making this depression -
die
May 8, 2018
May 8, 2018 at 2:31 AM UTC
I see the house, Im here to stay .
Nobody to hold my hand, nobody to protect me if they try to-
take me over.
Im so scared Im shaking.
I open the door and I pass into the hall.
Where my mother comes up.
She makes me feel so small.
She is screaming, raging mad.
And dad is drunk, he ain´t doing nothing about that.
She raises her hand about to hit me,
then she disappears.
Throughout this experience I've been shaking violently,
I stopped breathing or breathing extremely hollowly,
could feel a sense of cold washing through my body,
and all I want to do is fall down sobbing.
Im not yet ready to pass through,
I need help, because of you.
May 8, 2018
May 8, 2018 at 12:31 AM UTC
Behind the fights, the scream, the pain, the fleeing.
We live together, deeply in love, forever.
We all have our flaws, and these are ours.
So we have something to work on together.
When we are forever
May 4, 2018
May 4, 2018 at 10:15 PM UTC
after 14 years of bullying and abuse,
mentally ill she seeks a thrill,
she seeks validation from anyone in this wide nation,
she just wanted some good attention,
to relief some of that tension,
she just wanted a friend,
but her autism made it hard to comprehend.
It started out so innocent,
she could not see his intent,
he moved in slow and calm,
he had her in the palm of his hand,
they finally met and behind all of the distress
she felt like he ment well
then it all turned around and became hell
he wasn´t who he said he was,
and the girl ran out of all her luck,
forcing her into submission,
he could do whatever he wanted,
bewitching - her with charm and kind words,
that innocent girl turned against the world,
the depression got worse,
and in the end she just wanted to purge,
she wanted it gone,
her family, her school the world,
she was alone,
nobody to her support,
and as the days grew old,
she made another attempt on her life,
she succeeded,
that´s how I wish It would have ended sometimes
but I kept going,
I held my head high,
I am not that innocent anymore,
and my soul is forever sore,
I´m still fighting my demons every day,
and I will for the rest of my life,
until I finally hit the hay.
May 4, 2018
May 4, 2018 at 12:36 AM UTC
Sit, stand, walk, talk, write, read.
They think that they are teaching you everything you need,
and if you don't go to class you're failed you deadbeat
Admit defeat
Adjust to the heat
Mat test on Monday, science, history and English test on Tuesday and don't forget to read that book until tomorrow.
My blood build and I want them to feel how sorry -
I am for them that they do not understand
We are individuals from different named lands throughout the city
We have the rich the poor the A-kids and the sissies.
The jocks who mocks the nerds and where am I?
I stand between everyone and all I'm in my own line.
We need the schools to adjust to every individual to give them the same change of success.
Give the dyslexic a shot
Help the Adhd kid to relief her stress
So she doesn't make a mess of everything she is trying to achieve.
And you might realize that many of these individuals are so much smarter than you think
When you help them to float instead of helping them to sink.
May 3, 2018
May 3, 2018 at 11:21 PM UTC
My life would be so much better, if you just dropped dead,
because staring into your eyes makes me see red,
for all that you have done,
and all the hurt that you have caused,
you would think the beating would be the worst,
but its always the words that hit the hardest,
and its not like I had a helping father,
living in a middle class house,
driving in a middle class car,
my mother sat the bar,
and she raised it up too far,
so everything was to look perfect,
I was supposed to smile,
I was supposed to make it worth it,
I was supposed to be perfect,
so what happens next,
Its not like I passed all her test,
I passed none,
i was to much and she was too strong,
I still feel her beatings on my face,
but that´s not what ended me up in this place,
because her words hit the hardest,
she said she regretted the adoption,
and with every second the words always hit harder,
because I tried my very best to be perfect,
but with insomnia, ADHD, Asperger and more,
it was like glass shattered beneath my feet with each step,
and all I ever wanted was to be like the rest.
May 3, 2018
May 3, 2018 at 8:22 PM UTC
I did it good, I did it all,
I tried my best and I threw that ball,
I went to school, I did my job,
I worked my *** of even tho math was a flop,
I brush my teeth and I go to sleep,
but suddenly I´m wide awake,
nothing works not even counting sheep,
and I´m yet again loosing faith,
I can lay in bed for hours,
I realize that I have no real power,
so I shove a pill down my throat,
I´m ready for sleep I´m stoked
but all it does is make me dizzy,
and I´m getting cranky and pissy,
it has been like this a few days in a row,
and I want to get out of this deep dark hole,
suddenly I cant bring myself to school,
doing anything is a mess,
my bodys getting weaker,
and I´m collapsing underneath the stress,
I´m trying pill after pill but nothings working,
some makes me drunk,
others just makes me thirsty,
after hours of hours,
days and hot showers,
my memory is fading,
the room is once again shading,
I´m putting my my head on the bed,
lights go out,
and I´m finally at rest.
May 3, 2018
May 3, 2018 at 7:02 PM UTC