It’s 3 am and I miss the way yours arm wrap around me
The lat time we saw each other we cuddled and fell asleep
I go to bed now and miss the gentle, loving touches we shared
Why do you plague my memory this way when you aren’t even there?
And it saddens me that I won’t feel you any longer
You’re a distant memory of the past where our love will no longer foster
You plague me with the memory of your arms around me
Oh how I long to be held by you again, even just once more, to feel complete
(11/8/22; 3:04 am)
Jul 11, 2023
Jul 11, 2023 at 8:51 AM UTC
I don’t really wanna think right now but there are some thoughts I need to get out of my head…
I knew it was over when you told me that my head was too heavy to rest on your arm
Isn’t it an unspoken rule that you don’t tell your girl that
You let her fall asleep on your arm and don’t move it,
Even when you have no more blood circulation
I knew it was over when you stopped wanting to call me
When we first were talking, hell, when we weren’t even together yet
You always wanted to call me
But somehow it turned into “we talk everyday. I don’t see a need to call you”
It shouldn’t be a need, it should be a want
You liked me
I thought you would’ve wanted to call me more
Going along with that,
I knew it was over when you got annoyed when I called you
Isn’t one supposed to be happy when the one they like calls them unexpectedly
I don’t know why you were always so annoyed, so mad at me
Im sorry. I didn’t meant to make you angry
I knew it was over when you were annoyed with me
You didn’t really give me any reasons
Other than I ask questions that shouldn’t be asked sometimes, so I don’t get it
What I did so wrong — what I did to make you so annoyed with me
I knew it was over when I started restricting myself and talking to you
You mentioned you were annoyed, so I tried to stop asking questions
I tried to stop telling you about the random little things that happened to me,
Because you’d just get annoyed
I stopped telling you things that I used to tell you
I stopped talking to you
I stopped…
I stopped.
I knew it was over when we didn’t even have a conversation when both of us were replying at the same time,
Both present in the conversation
I guess that’s why I wanted to call you
So I could feel like we were actually talking — sharing and talking about something meaningful
I don’t know if I’m remembering only the bad times, but I can’t remember a moment where we were both present at the same time, actively having a conversation
I guess it had been over for a while.
And I hate to admit it, but you’re right when you say that “I guess you being scared of losing me made me pull away more”
I guess I lost myself a little bit
I forgot that I didn’t need you.
It should’ve of been an active choice of wanting you.
I should’ve shown you that I chose to have you in my life — I chose to want you and to keep you and I didn’t need you to survive
I don’t really know when it was over (subtly)
Obviously, I know when it was over when you broke up with me
But I didn’t really know when it was over
I really think it was those 3 weeks we didn’t see each other
I don’t know what changed in you.
But I think from then you decided to let me go.
And God, I hate to admit it, but I think it was over before it ever really started.
(7/11/23; 8:21 PM)
Jul 11, 2023
Jul 11, 2023 at 8:50 AM UTC
I love loving openly
I tell my friends I love them
I show the people I love that I love them
I loved it when you touched me
Not to make the world jealous
But just because it made me feel close to you
I love it when you touched me
And I don’t know if it’s because as a child we expressed love
But I love openly
Maybe it’s that I’m a nihilist
What’s the worst that’ll happen?
We’ll die?
That’s inevitable
I love loving openly
And so I tell the people I love that I love them
And when I tell you I love you, know it’s the truth
And I’m really hoping that one day that someone I’ll be telling, is you.
— this came out better in my head as spoken word but I wasn’t able to write it
(6/30/23; 12:50 AM)
Jul 11, 2023
Jul 11, 2023 at 8:48 AM UTC
My friends sent me a series of photos of you
Apparently you were spotted in the flesh
It feels like a distant memory that I was once that close to you
In the pictures you’re smiling
And I can’t help but smile looking at you with that smile on your face
“You look like you’re doing well”
I think to myself
It’s not that im not doing well,
Im doing pretty okay, I’d like to think
But I’m happy you’re okay
I wonder if you think the same of me
I look at you fondly reliving the good times, and well, the bad too
I’m happy you’re happy
Even if it wasn’t, it isn’t me
You once meant the world to me
And I care about you deeply
But all I ever wanted was to see you happy
And as I look at you from a photograph,
Reminding me of the distance between us,
I’m just really happy you’re happy.
(6/28/23; 12:19 AM)
Jul 11, 2023
Jul 11, 2023 at 8:45 AM UTC
I was on my laptop playing a high stress game
And I switched tabs and saw that telegram had a notif
My heart beat a million times per second
I could feel it beating through my chest
Much like the time we spent in my backseat, professing our love to each other
My heart beat fast
Palms sweaty
It’s a lot like falling in love
But you aren’t here
I check the message and it’s not you
My heart continues to beat as loud and as fast as it was
Am I relieved that it wasn’t you?
Why did I feel so anxious, thinking it had been you
I wished it was you
I really wished
I hoped you talked to me again
And yes
I am upset that it wasn’t you
Why do we reserve things for special people in our lives?
That thing just gets ruined when they’re no longer there
My heart still beats fast
Trying to calm down
I felt all the symptoms of nervousness all at once
I really hoped it was you
But alas you’ve left my life
I should stop hoping it’s you
I am disappointed it’s not you
Please come back.
Jul 11, 2023
Jul 11, 2023 at 8:44 AM UTC
I can’t help but smile
Watching that 3 minute video of us kissing
It reminds me of our memories
The good times we shared together
And I don’t know if it’s just me being delusional
But I still smile when I think of you
Yes there were bad times
But it’s as if I’m always focusing on the bad
We had some very very good times too
We had fun
And it was easy
And I really loved you
But now I feel the tears forming in my eyes
I miss the possibility of what we could have been
I miss the way you’d hold me and put your arm around my shoulder in public
Unashamed if anyone was watching — even my friends and family
I miss the feeling of being yours
And I miss when we were good
My friend says it was 2 weeks worth of good
And although there is truth to that,
The rest of it wasn’t all bad
And I miss you.
I just miss you and the you who I started dating
Because we were good and happy and in love
And I don’t know what happened to that
We did have good memories, right?
I was willing to fight the world for you
To make you only happy
But somehow my love turned into annoyance
Why were you always so mad at me? So annoyed?
It’s as if we spent no good times together
And I look back at our photos and videos and see you smile
Why don’t you smile like that anymore when I’m around you?
I had to ask you to face me — ask you to look at me the last time we met up
How ironic that the place we started— when I first met you and drove to your house after I visited that secret gallery on Mother Iglecia, and when I met you again after the time we didn’t talk— after I found out you liked me and wanted to try dating me, and to the point in time where you told me you loved me in the backseat of my car and then eventually asked me to be your girlfriend— would be the place where we ended it all.
I just miss you okay? And the memories we made when we were happy together
I look back on our photos and videos and smile
Although we didn’t work out, it doesn’t mean I wasn’t happy
I was happy to meet you and be with you and to know you
But sometimes we are meant to take our own paths in our lives, one’s that meet at one point but never meet again
We intersect and it’s good,
Until that intersection starts disappearing and we start disconnecting
I look back on our photos and videos and smile
Knowing that the times weren’t all bad
To me, at least, we were happy
We were happy, weren’t we?
I still smile when I think of you
I am sad yes but I’m also happy with the memories we shared
How fulfilling that this prose was made a week after we officially parted ways
I tell myself I’m okay, I’m over it
But am I really?
I am still sad and I obviously miss you
But somehow, in spite of your absence, I am happy
The memories of us replay in my head like a music video, a kaleidoscope of memories, an album of the good times we shared
I do hope you think of me fondly still, despite our partition
Because I sure do and you know I don’t like it when my feelings aren’t reciprocated
I look back on our photos and videos and smile
I really did love you
I’m happy we met
I don’t know if it still applies now but hey,
I love you
(5/29/23; 12:02 AM)
Jul 11, 2023
Jul 11, 2023 at 8:41 AM UTC
I don’t know why I attach these to you
Somehow, it’s what you’re addicted to that sticks
The everlasting memory of you that enters my head
Whenever I pick up a vape
Menthol plus.
And somehow, I can’t write the same words as I did to the red user
Maybe it was truly because he was an ******* through and through
But I still believe that somewhere inside there is good in you
I don’t blame you, which is perplexing
My friends tell me to. Hell, they even call you a monster
But I defend you.
Somehow I end up taking the blame for something I am not at fault for
I don’t really know what to say, I just know I wanted to write
Maybe I’ll do some journaling, or my favorite, letter-writing
Even if I know you’ll never see the words I want to tell you
Menthol Plus.
Unlike the reds, I smoke this to remember you.
The reds were bad, and it’s a bad habit whenever I pick up a stick — but hey, look on the brighter side,
I stopped thinking of him every time I picked up a red.
I noticed it with a friend at a bar. I did not even have one thought about you.
But Menthol Plus?
I am a Menthol Extra user.
The plus has always been too harsh
But why do I find myself enjoying it more nowadays
I never willingly bought it before, only a replacement for the X to get through the day
But recently, I’ve been seeking plus out.
Maybe I miss you
And the way you kiss my lips
But as I operate, avoidance is the best coping
I somehow seem to forget everything.
Am I blocking my memory on purpose to avoid the thoughts of you?
Or have I really moved on?
Is that really all you meant to me?
But I’d like to think not.
I seek out menthol plus because I know it’s your favorite flavor
You don’t talk to me anymore, and again, because of my coping, I hardly remember a time wherein you did
Sure, literally the day before we fought the fight to bring the beginning of the end,
We were talking like “normal”
But what is normal when you weren’t even a constant figure in my life?
We talked everyday, yes, that’s a fact
But It didn’t feel like we were talking
It felt like days without a meaningful conversation
I don’t know
Maybe it’s just me being delusional or me thinking the worst and only focusing on the negatives
But no, I had been feeling this feeling of disconnection for a while.
We’d see each other, it would get better, but then the cycle would repeat.
I guess I’ve been searching for you for months now,
But now I can only find you in your favorite flavor.
If you won’t touch my lips any longer,
At least this pod will.
At least the memory of your taste will hit my lips again, even if it’s just a copy.
Because I guess this is better than nothing.
And honest to god, I miss the way you kiss me.
But we won’t get into that right now.
I’ve been missing you for months
A ghost of a person who wasn’t there
I miss my boyfriend — a sentence repeated over and over to my friends
And yes, again, we talked every day,
But I missed the person who I started dating.
I miss my boyfriend from when he became my boyfriend
I don’t understand why he got complacent or why he was always so annoyed at me,
But again, avoidance.
I’ve decided that it doesn’t matter anymore.
It was perfectly reasonable all the things I asked for
And here again I’m missing you
Inhaling the the toxin into my lungs
Letting it touch my lips
Hoping to taste you again
But this will merely function as a substitute until I can taste you again
— probably never
But for now, this will have to do.
Jul 11, 2023
Jul 11, 2023 at 8:38 AM UTC
You know, I started smoking because of you.
The availability of the cigarettes you had on hand when I saw you
To be fair, when I was with you, you’d try your best to not smoke as I’d get dizzy
But somehow I always gave in
I asked for one while knowing this
You’re just an analogy to cigarettes
I know how bad you are for me
Yet when I see you I can’t but help to dive in again
Do it over and over again because as good as it feels it is so unhealthy for me
I do it over and over again and I know it’s unhealthy but it just feels so good
It’s toxic through and through
The smoke etched on my lungs
And I drown in you
Now every time I’m offered a cigarette I can’t help but think of you
I smoke them knowing they’re bad for me
But somehow it gives me a connection to you
Somehow smoking one makes me miss you
It makes me feel you again
And I hate it
Oh how I hate it
I know how bad it is for me — how toxic it is
But somehow I can’t stop
You’re just as bad for me as the cigarettes you once looked at me shocked by me asking for some
Smoke fills my lungs and you fill my heart
But as you keep coming back
As I will keep getting cigarette after cigarette
This feeling of self destruction is unfortunately never ending
And truly, how does one find a conclusion to something everlasting?
This pattern is circular. I stop and when I see you it starts again. I probably won’t ever cut you off. This pattern of self destruction will consume me, just as cigarettes take their victim
(12/24/22; 12:45 am)
Jul 11, 2023
Jul 11, 2023 at 8:35 AM UTC
I’m addicted to you
The very act of talking to you sends toxins through my brain
Some may call them oxytocin,
I call to poison
They say that talking to you sends an oxytocin rush to the brain,
The happy hormone
And with that I’m addicted.
Stuck with thoughts of you
A lasting memory coursing through my veins where you one ran through
Blood replaced by you
You sustain me
I don’t want to stop this addiction
It’s the only thing that keeps me living
It’s the finest act of self destruction
Choosing to get addicted to you
Knowing that I am and yet doing nothing to stop it
Breathing in the sweet toxins I’ve grown to love
You’ll be the death of me
As addiction takes its victim
So will you too
Jul 11, 2023
Jul 11, 2023 at 8:31 AM UTC
You tell me you miss me, yet you do nothing
You tell me you like me, yet you do nothing
You wanna kiss me, you wanna hug me, you wanna **** me
But the truth of the matter is that you left me
Remember I wasn’t the one who decided to go
You left us
You left me
**** you and the way that I hate myself
For the feelings that I felt when you left me
Honestly, **** you and the way that I'm mad at you
For all the reasons and the ******** and the lies you told me
I know, I know.
It's not your fault that you have **** going on
It’s my fault that I'm mad,
Trying to look for a reason to not hate you as much as I do.
Trying to combat the feelings of missing you
And you tell me sweet nothings whispered into my ear
For you to only turn your back when I'm not there
And you tell me these lies like sweet honey pie
Cavities fill my teeth from the sweet, sweet words
But I know you don't care that you hurt me
But really. It's myself that I hate
For feeling these things
You and I are okay,
but still, I'm hurting every single day.
Your reason is valid,
and for that, I'm sorry that I feel this way.
Mar 2, 2022
Mar 2, 2022 at 10:01 AM UTC