I don’t believe in god.
But sometimes I think of the universe, however vast it may be.
And I ask it for forgiveness.
Hoping that something will hear me.
Dec 2, 2019
Dec 2, 2019 at 3:31 PM UTC
I sit on the brown couch of a big room.
I am surrounded by bright yellow walls.
Yellow is the color of sunshine,
Yet I feel only black shadows looming over me.
Outside there are people walking the streets,
All dressed in orange, blue, and black.
Light and dark are constantly arguing.
I hear shouting, pounding on the pavement, the winter jacket material rubbing together as people walk.
I see the lights.
Red, White, Blue, Yellow.
All at once it stops.
The noise is gone.
The lights stop shining.
Everyone is gone,
Yet the air remains red with anger and fear.
The next morning, people ask how I can sense these shadows,
When there are people more afraid than me who cannot.
They wonder how someone with yellow walls could understand.
But white and black do not care.
They lighten and deepen at will.
Even the most vibrant cannot stay that way forever.
Nov 21, 2019
Nov 21, 2019 at 4:20 PM UTC
Once when I was younger I went to the lake with my family.
At one point I was on top of a cliff overlooking the water.
I stared into the dark blue hole below me.
I wondered how deep it would be.
Does it end? Are there rocks? What creatures lie below?
I considered jumping. It scared the hell out of me.
I am someone who really does not like the unknown.
But I love flying. Feeling weightless. Free.
Was this going to be worth it?
Tempting.
I jump.
For those few seconds I felt like a feather gliding through the air.
Although I awaited the crash.
The moment when I would hit the water and feel it.
Either I would feel pain or a slow of time.
It's funny though.
It was as if none of that even happened.
I just woke up.
I was suddenly looking at the sky.
I felt numb at first.
Next I felt the air knocked out of my body.
I felt like I was suffocating.
I floated to the shore.
As I began to feel okay again, I looked up at the cliff.
It doesn't look as far down as it felt in that moment.
I wonder if it was worth it.
Was the unknown worth the pain?
Was it worth the weightless feel?
Would I do it again?
Jun 1, 2019
Jun 1, 2019 at 7:25 PM UTC
It starts off as crying this time.
You think you’re just crying.
My chest feels heavy and my throat is tightening.
My mind is racing and I keep repeating:
“It’s too late. It’s too late. It’s too late.”
“You can’t stop it. You can’t stop it. You can’t stop it.”
All of a sudden I can’t breath.
I feel like someone is punching my head while they sit on my chest, choking me.
I didn’t know my eyes could leak this much.
It’s happening again.
I’m having a panic attack.
It’s as if all the people around me become invisible.
I can’t hear them anymore.
My head is pounding so hard it hurts.
I sit down.
I ride it out.
I try to slow my breathing.
I keep having little flare ups.
I eventually stop.
I feel numb.
My head hurts.
My face hurts.
My back and ribs hurt.
I feel dry.
My legs and arms won’t stop shaking.
I try to sleep.
I can’t.
It’s as if my body wants to rest but my mind won’t let it.
I finally fall asleep.
I wake up.
I still feel horrible.
I forget what happened for a moment before it all comes rushing back again.
I don’t want to move anymore.
I feel numb again.
I keep replaying it over and over and over.
This will eventually pass like the others.
But god I hate this.
Jul 22, 2018
Jul 22, 2018 at 8:46 PM UTC
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I didn't hug you more.
I'm sorry I didn't look you in the eyes and smile at you more.
I'm sorry I didn't pet you more.
I'm sorry your back legs stopped working.
I'm sorry when I asked you to please get out of the way.
I'm sorry I didn't appreciate you following me around more.
I'm sorry if you were in pain.
I'm sorry you didn't get to stay with us longer.
I'm sorry I cried so much.
I'm sorry you're gone now.
And I'm sorry for so much more.
I'm sorry.
I love you, and I promise I will see you again.
Jul 22, 2018
Jul 22, 2018 at 3:46 AM UTC
A few thank yous.
Thank you to my mom for always being there for me.
Thank you to my father for showing me what kind of a person I don't want to grow up to be.
Thank you to my brother for teaching me how to be a good liar when need be.
Thank you to my grandpa, for teaching me how to take care of someone when they can't take care of themselves, and patience.
Thank you to my great grandpa, for showing me kindness and compassion.
Thank you to my friends, for always pushing me to become a better version of myself, and picking me up when I was down.
Thank you to the friends who left me, for showing me that not everything is as concrete as you believe it to be.
Thank you to my bullies, for pushing me when I was down at my lowest low, and showing me that I still had the power to rise up again, better than before.
Thank you to my teachers, for showing me how the world works, both the good and the bad.
Thank you to my animals, for always being there for me, with unconditional love.
And thank you finally, to myself.
Thank you for sticking it out as long as you have.
Thank you for continuing to fight for yourself.
Thank you for still learning and growing.
Thank you for putting up with all that you have.
Thank you.
Oct 30, 2017
Oct 30, 2017 at 6:34 PM UTC
It's like I am a trash can,
That everyone dumps all of their emotional garbage into.
But I never get emptied.
Oct 8, 2017
Oct 8, 2017 at 11:21 PM UTC
I was strong.
I was strong when my preschool teacher told me that I was never going to be an artist because I wasn't talented enough.
I was strong when I told my first crush that I liked him and he told me he would never like someone like me because I was fat and ugly.
I was strong as I was bullied severely for 6 years in elementary school.
I was strong when a kid wrapped swing chains around my neck and tried to choke me.
I was strong when I was told by the school counselor that no one would ever want to be my friend in middle school.
I was strong when on the first day of junior high I was pushed off of the risers and onto the floor by fellow classmates.
I was strong when my parents got a divorce.
I was strong when I had my first panic attack.
I was strong after I attempted suicide.
I was strong when I was officially diagnosed with anxiety and depression.
I was strong when my father kicked me out.
I was strong when my brother beat me in my car.
I was strong when I had to act as hospice care for one of my grandfathers.
I was strong when my grandfathers died.
I was strong when my dad's wife tried to convince me that I was worthless and unworthy of love.
I was strong when my entire family abandoned me fight over only my brother in a custody battle.
I was strong when I failed my first class ever and almost lost all of my scholarships.
I was strong when my mom told me "whatever" when she was mad and I talked about killing myself.
I was strong when I wanted to drop out of college and relapse into my suicidal thoughts.
If I can be strong through all of that, I can be strong again.
I am strong.
Even if I don't always feel that way.
Sep 18, 2017
Sep 18, 2017 at 10:33 PM UTC
You're always so sad.
I tell you how wonderful you are and how everyone that you meet loves you.
I am met with harsh self-deprecating words flowing from your lips so freely. Like you really believe the words.
Tonight I put you down to bed after one too many pills graced your tongue.
You were speaking gibberish. Incoherent sentences that meant nothing.
I gave you water, i tucked you in, and made sure you were okay.
Just before closing the door and letting the last light dim in the room, you said, "I love you."
And after all that you have said to me. Everything you have called me. Telling me that I wasn't worth the space I occupy.
I said, "I love you too."
I forgive you every time, because I don't believe you mean what you've said to me.
I have to believe that you don't really mean it.
And I have to believe that you do mean it when you say that you love me.
I know it may be selective, but I have to believe in something good right now.
Because to be honest, I'm scared.
But I know you will awake in the morning, and it will all start again.
The pretending begins again every time...
Aug 15, 2017
Aug 15, 2017 at 7:20 AM UTC
The sky is dark, but I can see the stars.
I live somewhere where I'm lucky enough to be able to see all these stars every night.
I'm laying in a hammock, and the air is cold.
Not cold enough that I'm freezing, but just enough that I'm not comfortable.
I look down at the lit up screen in my hands.
I listen to the song playing.
It's a soulful song one of my friends wrote and recorded with a couple other friends of mine.
I open up my text messages.
I read the part where I said, "Goodnight. I love you."
And I sigh.
I listen to the crickets chirping. The frogs croaking. The dogs barking. The peacocks cooing.
You just said goodnight.
And I didn't tell you I love you because I'm romantically attracted to you.
I told you I love you because I love you as a friend and I feel so deeply for the people I love.
But here we are.
You fell asleep, and I'm here, wide awake.
I'm wondering when the universe will decide that I'm worthy of the gift of love.
Jun 28, 2017
Jun 28, 2017 at 2:24 AM UTC