can i run away
from my own thoughts
from the memories
from everything
i have lost 5 souls within the past 6 months
i shouldn't be this familar with death
yet i great it each time with open arms
who's next?
nobody stays for good
grimm always gets to them first
before me
anyone who's ever meant anything to me
always meets death
i'm scared to let anyone in
because death will great them before i can
this year has been **** you know
i miss all 5 of you with all my heart
can i give my heart soul and mind
just to have 2 minutes with each one of you?
just one hug
one laugh
one smile
just one more time
please
Mar 3
Mar 3, 2026 at 8:35 PM UTC
who am i
without being *****
at the age of 7
who am i
without it going on
until i was 11
who am i
without keeping it a secret
for years and years
who am i
until it all
came bursting out
i am 29 years old
living in london
moved abroad
changed my life completey
i feel safe for the first time
ever in my life
what i thought i wanted
is not where i want to stop
suddenly i am reaching for more
i am grasping for more
i am doing more
i am applying myself more
suddenly i am applying
to medical school
suddenly i see myself
beyond all the darkness
that has almost consumed me
not so suddenly
i am getting to know
just erin
and i actually really like her
shes quite smart
i think 7 year old me
would think 29 year old me
is really cool
is really brave
is really smart
is really kind
is really well,
real
suddenly and not so suddenly
i am healing
Mar 2
Mar 2, 2026 at 8:31 PM UTC
i try to have
some good memories
to go back to
to remind myself
i have felt happiness
in times of dissociation
the first memory
is me with my brother
in the ocean
him teaching me to surf
pushing me into waves
i remember the sun on my back
as i laid on my pink and blue hearts surfboard
and how good in that moment
it felt to be alive
i told myself in that moment
to remember this
and i have held it for years and years
my next memory i go to
is you
i opened my apartment door
for the first time
it was a cold night in March
here in London
the moon shining above us
and you were wearing
your long black north face jacket
you just smiled at me with a huge smile
and said a simple
"hi!"
you were so happy
it made me feel so happy seeing you smile
it felt so comfortable and sweet
that simple happy hi took me
right out of dissociation
you have been my best friend since
these two memories keep me alive
in the month of March
they remind me i can feel happiness
they remind me that i am alive
even after the darkest of times
i am alive
i am alive and i can feel happiness
Mar 2
Mar 2, 2026 at 7:59 PM UTC
my 7 year old self
is fighting me
she is begging
for help
she is screaming
for help
she is stuck in trauma
i am trying
at 29 years of life
to understand her pain
her frustation
her hurt
her coldness
her fear
when i think
about it all
it makes me cry for her
i wish i could have saved her
but i know i cannot go back in time
no matter how badly i wish i could
i cannot change what has happened
i can only change me today
that is what i tell her
in hopes one day
she is at peace
Mar 2
Mar 2, 2026 at 7:18 PM UTC
i am looking
at my reflection
in the mirror
at 29 years old
but
it is my 7 year old self
looking back
begging for help
screaming for help
bleeding for help
shaking for help
starving for help
for the first time
since i was 11
i understand
i cannot jump
into the mirror
i cannot crack
the mirror
i cannot escape
she is hurting
she is scared for life
every bone in her body
is shaking with fear
but she is safe now
and i understand that
for the first time
in 18 years
Mar 2
Mar 2, 2026 at 7:06 PM UTC
a year ago
i lie awake
unexpectedly pregnant
crying because
what i knew was right for me
was not conventionally right
what some women dream of
was my worst nightmare
what i dreamed of at one time
felt so disgusting wrong
the guilt eats me away sometimes now
it creeps up
in the night
in the darkness
in the cold
i hope one day i get that chance again
when everything is right
when the enviorment is right
when the timing is right
i hope one day i get that chance again
Jan 31
Jan 31, 2026 at 9:15 PM UTC
i am lost
these are words
that the world has
heard me scream
at the top of my lungs
i am lost
not in the life
or
death kind of way
i am lost
in the this version
of me feels the most me
i have ever felt
i am lost
in the way that
i am naviagting
a room that is
pitch black
and all i hear
are screams of my past
begging me to find my way
i am lost
but in a transitional way
i am lost
but in a way that my future
actually scares me
i am lost
but in a way that i want more for myself
than just this
Jan 31
Jan 31, 2026 at 9:07 PM UTC
i met you almost
two years ago
i hurt you
while scrambling
through my own pain
trying to find my way
through a dark maze
with a haze of ache
you got caught
in my rage of
a crossfire
i realized
i actually liked someone
trusted them so easily
i was angry
someone actually
made me laugh
made me smile
the hurricane
was a category five
you took shelter
far away from me
my tears dripping
from the sky
two years after
the hurricane
we are just recovering
there is life again
there is growth
there is laughter
there is happiness
there is light
there is a second chance
Jun 22, 2025
Jun 22, 2025 at 5:50 PM UTC
i am 28 years old
still trying to figure out
the meaning to all of this
confused on human emotion
confused on life
but
i know this familiar feeling
the feeling of being lost
of not knowing
what way is up
what way is down
what way is left
what way is π³πͺπ¨π©π΅
this time though
my self soothing is not working
not like how it use to atleast
i am not panicking
i am not jumping ship
i am not escaping
all like i normally would
in my past
no
this time is different
this time is π³πͺπ¨π©π΅
Mar 10, 2025
Mar 10, 2025 at 5:48 PM UTC
it took me 313 days
to realise it was you
it took me 313 days
to process that my soul
wanted nothing more
than to be loved by you
the rest of our lives
it took me 313 days
in the purest
most raw
form
to realize
you were the sound
of birds chirping
in the morning light
it took me 313 days
to realize that i would choose you
time and time and time again
jolting me like the clock once it strikes twelve
awakening my soul
from the deepest slumber
i hope you know
that i love you
since the moment i stepped foot
into that pub
since the moment our eyes met
since the moment our souls intertwined
i love you
Mar 10, 2025
Mar 10, 2025 at 5:37 PM UTC