What can I do?
I want to hold you and sooth you
I see the way your soul is vibrating
Shaking with fear
With terror.
I want to let you know that you are not alone
That I have been there too.
Stood in the same place, been in the same shoes.
But I can’t
I am scared it will only look as though
I am undermining your struggles.
My issues are different than yours,
But the feelings are so very close.
You are breathing in the same knives
I have suckled on my entire life.
I could describe to you the exact taste of red in 3 different languages.
But if I did.. would you hate me?
Would you take me for an insensitive *****
A ****
who always makes it about themself?
I want you to know:
I understand.
I want you to know you are not alone with your feelings
But I am lacking, in every sense
My vocabular just does not seem inclusive enough
And even if it was, I have no skill
Verbalizing my thoughts seems impossible.
And I know exactly how it is
when you share your feelings
And yet you still feel like nobody heard you.
I don’t want this for you.
So please just let me know what you need
I do not want to leave you by yourself.
I don’t want you to be alone any longer,
Believe me, it won’t make you stronger
Suffering in silence, should not be your only option.
I am sorry, that nothing I say will be adequate
But at least let me listen.
May 15, 2020
May 15, 2020 at 8:05 AM UTC
It feels like only yesterday that I stared up at you
Just dim enough to not turn me blind
Just bright enough to be seen
The stars below
Sadly though
Were too strong to make out the ones above
I am certain they twinkled magnificently.
Back then I shared my darkest secrets with you
But oh, my sweet darling
You just couldn’t keep them to yourself
Could you?
Do not fret
I am not mad
I still appreciate the silence you provided for me
And even now
-Though I have branded you a telltale-
I still seek comfort in your bright darkness.
May 15, 2020
May 15, 2020 at 7:44 AM UTC
I love when you ignore what I say
When you twist my words
till they are beyond recognition.
When you hug me,
even if I say no.
But what does no mean
coming from my mouth?
As I have no worth;
As my words
do not hold any weight.
At least not to you,
who has charmed everyone
with his arrogance
and ignorance.
Who's words are so dear
and sweet
and full of hope.
But I taste only bitterness
as I breath in your religion;
Your morals.
When you tell me
I am like you
My stomach turns.
It's as though
you are calling me
a snake,
just because we share blood.
But I have been taught better.
As the blood in my veins
turned cold;
As it spilled on the tiled floor;
I learned
that blood has no meaning.
Not to me.
Like my words
have no meaning,
to you.
Oct 27, 2019
Oct 27, 2019 at 6:55 PM UTC
She always smelt of rain;
Her hair clinging to glistening skin.
Fingers wet and blue from cold,
but never was she shaken by the heavens icy cast.
Her limbs only ever trembled with excitement;
With happiness and mirth
as she twirled from one puddle to the next.
Humming and laughing along side the pitter pattern of rain.
It was only when water fell
her eyes began to shine.
It always washed the shadows off her face;
Leaving her bare and vulnerable to the world's embrace.
And she bathed in it.
Oct 27, 2019
Oct 27, 2019 at 6:24 PM UTC
Why can't I do anything right?
I can feel the rope around my neck getting tight.
I am not sure if I am having an anxiety attack,
but my vision is fading to black.
I should shut up!
Seriously
I don't know why I keep talking,
but my breathing is getting balking.
My heart is going the speed that my fingers are flying over the keyboard
and I can feel cramps starting to erupt,
and I am trying to hold them tight,
trying to press everything right.
But with shaking hands it's not so light!
All I did was drink
2 glasses to be precise
and the next thing I know
is that I wake up to apologize
to a girl that I love
which I called a **** for fun
And that's where the drama begun.
She asked if a was already down the drain
And even with a clouded brain
I saw the mistake in her spelling
and thought it would be fun to be the one telling:
“Are you grammatically incorrect?”
And all I hear this morning is the loud voice that yells at me
“You are rekt”
And she is right, I am.
I hurt the one most precious to me
Just by saying something that I thought was funny.
Running my mouth is like running a train.
An unstoppable force
until it rolls of the rails.
But from now on I'll keep quiet,
I swear to you, my dearest one,
because I can't see you being gone.
Mar 18, 2018
Mar 18, 2018 at 8:08 AM UTC
Ah, my old friend,
my dearest foe,
the man shrouded in mystery
No one knows who you are.
What's behind that wicked smile of yours.
But I know a thing for certain
My love,
You are the only one who does not tell me any lies.
So let me stay awake a little longer.
Let me listen to your voice that is oh so sweet.
Which sounds like pouring warm honey
in the glistening sun of a July sunset.
How did I got so attached to you?
I hated you
didn't I?
How did you turn out to be one I was longing for?
You forced yourself into my life
the moment I started walking in your light.
How careless it was of me
to let my guard down like that
even though I have been warned.
“Do not trust him” they said.
But what they didn't tell me,
was that he was hypnotizing,
captivating
WAITING
for his prey to come to him.
And I fell hard for him.
So don't let me wait any longer, my love.
I have starred into the dark abyss already.
I have sang songs of you,
like you told me to.
So Sandman do not make my eyelids heavy yet.
Do not make me miss my only chance to see him.
Because if you do,
I might forget how to wake up again.
Dec 31, 2017
Dec 31, 2017 at 4:44 PM UTC
I try to drown myself in music.
Forget all my sorrows.
Choke down my tears.
Keep my chin up and face my fears.
The posture of a Queen.
But my head is so heavy,
It keeps falling down, starring at the soil beneath my feet.
My hair hides the tears dropping on the unblossomed dandelions on my last walk.
I don't want this to be a farewell,
So I turn up the music til my ears bleed.
But at least I can't hear my own thoughts.
At least I cannot hear the voices in my head, telling me,
I am a disgrace to my family.
That I am not worthy of living
And I can't do anything but be the songless bird in a golden cage.
Yet I do want to scream and yell and curse at the world I was born in.
But instead I put my earphones in
and listen to tunes,
Trying to drown everything in a melody that once had me swoon.
I am trying.
I am trying.
I am trying to walk through fire.
But I still feel it;
How it's biting my skin,
Leaving me bruised.
I am trying to inhale shards of glass;
Yet I can still feel them cutting my throat,
Making me choke
on my own blood.
But all of this goes unnoticed
after the words
"I am okay, just tired"
I am tired!
Wouldn't you be as well?
But don't worry, I am not going to sleep yet.
Maybe later.
Maybe not.
This is not a farewell.
This is my excuse why we can't meet in the evening.
It's because I will be sitting
in a field of Lilies drowning my head in the tunes of once upon a time.
Dec 27, 2017
Dec 27, 2017 at 12:44 PM UTC