Slowly
Trembling hands
And coffee cups of wine
Lovely
With a full heart and a gentle mind
Carol Jeane
Did you have to go?
I know its been so so
Carol Jeane
Did you know
I've been dreaming of you
The memories
Are slowly and subtly
Disappearing
Can you hear me?
Nov 30, 2017
Nov 30, 2017 at 2:15 PM UTC
No room for me
The little creatures that lurk in my head,
They say there is no room for me
I don't posses the required amount of instability
It takes to be me
So they will do it instead
They will rewire me and fix me
These little hollow things will fill me
Then I shall be hallow too
Nov 26, 2016
Nov 26, 2016 at 1:34 PM UTC
I want to help you
But I don't want my steps in your sand
If you wish to keep your beach clean
I'll keep by my tides
But slowly
You have become a person I care about
Like a friend
A niece
A sister
And though you let others
Pour their black tar of intentions
Into your pure mind
Don't let it infest your veins
Don't let it block your heart
Spit out the spite
And let it dry up on the concrete
Under the warm sun
Forget the ones who forgot you
They worry no longer
You should too
Nov 26, 2016
Nov 26, 2016 at 1:21 PM UTC
I wanna get the high I'm used to
Light headed
Bed ridden
Weak heart
Hospital admitted
It's the best, right?
A party every night
Till you say goodbye to your mom
Boarding that flight
To Philly
I remember the emotions that would fill me
All those songs on repeat
Flashing back
Gripping the counter as I fell down
All my dreams denounced
I gave up my ambition
Handed it over for a bottle
My last two dollars
Were spent full throttle
On the dope
Or a hit of my roommate ****
Thinking that that's just what I need
Take a shot
Then smoke
While the ******* is dripping down my throat
It's not pretty
When your favorite shirt
Is ruined from a nose bleed
Then everyone looks at you strange
Best friend saying that you've changed
You're no fun
You're to serious
Then they stop calling
Ain't that mysterious?
It's time to let go
Put down the bottle
Stop scrounging for a roach
You put out a week ago
Paranoia is no small price to pay
You should be paranoid when you can die any day
From your own hands
From your own brain
God,
Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
Nov 22, 2016
Nov 22, 2016 at 12:52 AM UTC
My abilities are stronger than I see
I mean, we can get along
But I won't attach so easily
The parasitic tendencies
That reside in my skull
Slither like a snake through my body
Touching every heart
And infecting your soul
Though I do not wish to linger
I fear I have overstayed my welcome
I have dreams of us together
But I should shelve them
For my grappling grip on your lungs
Has left you weary and blue
Nov 17, 2016
Nov 17, 2016 at 3:34 PM UTC
You will never please everyone
The brutal truth you refuse to face
Each morning in the mirror
You are bound to fail
And chase your own tail
We are only humans
And fall at the fault
Of our own grounds
Expectations are an
Ill disease developed in faith
And is sent through the veins
By the army of love
We are all victims
Sep 27, 2016
Sep 27, 2016 at 12:38 AM UTC
Just tell me where you have to go
Baby, I will follow you home
You can grip the wheel
Do your own thing
Baby, I will follow you home
Bass heavy
Let the vibes flow
You've been drinking
I know
I can follow you home
You don't have to let me inside
I just gotta be sure you're alright
Keep away from the blue lights
Playing it cool so we don't fight
I can keep my distance
Let you think this through
Finish your drink, I'll pay
I just want you to fall asleep okay
Don't you stress the deep talks
I wont bring it up now
Fingers in your tangled locks
I know you're not proud
I can follow you home
Sep 23, 2016
Sep 23, 2016 at 8:09 PM UTC
"This town is dead," he said. We sat on the old stone bridge, with our feet dangling over the steady creek. "Where's Kacey?" I asked, hitting my cigarette, then passing it to see if he wanted some. He took a puff and looked off into the distance. "Probably still back at the house. Ya know, it sure is some ******** man. We fight, and she takes his ******* side." He hands me the cigarette. I gesture to him to keep it. "Thanks," he sighs in a slight relief. He seems stressed enough. I can always buy a new pack.
I take out my current one and pop a new cancer stick in my mouth. I shuffle around in my pocket to find a lighter, and spark it up. The nicotine on a cold, grey winter day like this has the perfect bite. I inhale, lick my chapped lips, and exhale. "Dude, it's just because he is younger. Remember how annoying we were when we were seventeen?" I pull his beanie over his face, hoping to at least get a smile. He lets a slight grin escape his aggravated demeanor, and slaps my hand away. "Yeah, you're still that **** annoying." We laugh for a brief moment, then the calm settles in again.
I look to my left: brown grass, dead trees, and playground that has been neglected for months. Then, to my right: Eric, flicking the cigarette, the old auto parts plant, more dead grass, and the road. Everything has a grey and pale blue tint. This is what winter brings. Eric scoots back and stands up. He brushes gravel off his pants, "I gotta head out. Ally has to go to work, she needs me to drive her. You want to come?" "Sure, I don't have **** to do anyways."
We hop in the car and drive off. I lean out and look at the stores in the town square as we cruise through: Barber, antiques, diner after diner. He's right: this place is dead. "Hey," Eric slaps my chest. Impact is reduced thanks to my puffy jacket, "Do you think Ally is just slutty enough to settle for a guy like me?" He smiles and looks in the mirror. Peeling off his beanie, he exposes his blonde, messy hair. To be honest, he wasn't that bad looking when he tried. Maybe if he would just shave that creepy soul patch. "You know her better than I do, man," I say, "I mean, she asked you for a ride to work. I wouldn't look too far into it."
The thing is, I don't want him to get his hopes up. This past summer, she and I slept together a few times. Instead of cuddling afterwards, she'd roll over, do a line of coke, then say she has to go somewhere. Easy to say, we were just **** buddies. The part that is ******** though: anyone I know who has messed around with Ally, gets trapped in this abyss of feelings. She makes you fall in love with her. But it's so hard to love her, too, because she's so strung out and scattered. These days you can't even tell if she's high or not. It has just become her.
We finally get to her apartment and wait outside. I see her starting to come down from the third floor. Black and white Converse High-Tops with black stockings. They have a few runs and holes in them from our wild nights. She wore them the night we first had *** Then a pair of frayed, high waisted, black shorts. She always knew exactly what to wear to show off her thin body. And finally, a simple black tank top. Her hair was in a messy, blue bun. Tattoos disbanded all over her body. Small simple ones, because she could never save up enough money to buy an actual normal one.
"Hey, ******* She says as she crawls into the backseat, pushing empty cigarette packs and fast food bags to the other side. "What's up Ally?" Eric says, looking her up and down with a giant grin on his face. "Oh, ya know," she sighs as she digs through her purse. "Do you mind running by the gas station before you take me to Moonie's? I need some aspirin and a pack of Marlboros." "Moonie's? I thought I was taking you to work, not the bar! God ****** Ally, if you want to drink I'll just buy us a bottle. It's much cheaper, and you can get as ****** as you want." Eric had no subtlety to the fact he wanted to get her wasted. "No, **** face. I work there."
Eric and I just look at one another.
"When the hell were you going to tell me you work there?" He says, overjoyed. "I didn't want you dragging a sweetheart like Syd down there to be a little pervert," she says jokingly. It's not like I haven't seen it all anyways. "Besides, I'm not on the stage....yet. I'm just bartending"
We made it to the gas station. Ally starts scrambling through her purse, pulling together wadded up bills. The sound of medicine bottles fills the car. Midol, migraine medication, and various other pills (and, honestly, I wouldnt be surprised if they weren't originally hers) "Okay," she said with a deep breath of relief,"I'll be right back." She hops out of the car and dances a small, hungover sway, one foot over the other. Eric and I watch as she heads in. I observe her tendencies, motions, and body language. Such a broken soul intrigues me. How is she okay with this? I feel protective of her, but desire a release. How does one care for such a soulless being? She finds her peace in stranger's arms. I was a stranger when we got together. Once we got close, she started at it again with the mystery men. Eric, he doesnt watch her, really. He stares. The guy might as well be drooling, standing on all fours like a dog. He doesnt observe her, notice the little things. He lusts for her body, much like all the others. She has that air about her. She could make the Pope sin, for God's sake. It's almost pure evil in that skin, but I know there is something fighting. She couldn't have always been like this.
I must have spaced out, we're already pulling away from the parking lot. "Here," she says in a spunky and proud tone, as she tosses a pack of Newports up to Eric. "God bless!!" He shouts, closing his eyes in rejoice, "I've been out all day, bumming off of Syd, here, the past couple hours." He reaches over and pats me on the cheek. I shoo him away and turn up the radio. Arctic Monkeys, a black and white dream flows into my head. Saving her, but nothing could. I could grab her head and push it up against the wall, hold the needles, pipes, and pills infront of her, beg her to stop, and all I'd get is a smirk. I know it. No ***** given.
We arrive at Moonie's. Blacked out windows, purple and red paint, black velvet door. It's the only strip club for miles around and tends to stay busy. Who would think I's spend my days here as a young adult, when I went to church right up the road when I was kid.
We walk in and sit at the bar. The only place i can drink at besides friend's houses. Moonie's son runs the joint now. His dad opened the place forever ago, long before any of us were even considered, or unwanted for a select few. Moonie, apparently, was like a small town Hugh Hefner, had his pick of the ladies. Messed around with his top dancer and had this son-of-a-bitch, Todd. "How's it hangin'?" Todd asks Eric and I as I reach for the ashtray. It's ******* weird, no doubt. Todd looks like a middle school teacher who would spend his time writing in a coffee shop, not running a strip club or holding an impressive amount of assault charges. Curly brown hair, like Corey Matthews from Boy Meets World, skinny and tall. Button down flannel, fitted blue jeans, and the beard to top it off. Looks like a young dad, acts like it too. He looks after the "troubled youth" in this place. He provides love, *** and drugs for those without. I've crashed a few times on his couch. He's charming, which would make sense to him being Ally's current weakness. I catch the glances they share as Todd awaits for either Eric or I to finish a drag on our cigarettes to answer. Now I understand how she got the job.
"Uh," I say, exhaling smoke, "It's good man. Eric here shut down into "Little ***** mode with his mom again." Todd and I laugh as Eric slumps down. His eyes fidget for a moment, as he searches for a comeback. "Dude," he says, as he places his hand down calmly on the bar. He closes his eyes, and slowly whispers,"I swear to God, **** her." Eric sounds breathy and comedic, yet you can hear the truth in it. He and his mother never got along. He always idolized his dad, who left a long time ago. He says a lot that he wishes his dad took him along, and got him out of this town. He really hates it here. "I've seen your mom," Todd smiles and shakes his head as he breaks out three shot glasses, "and I would most definitely **** her. You can call me 'Daddy Mother Fucker'." "Absolutely not, you **** head," Eric says, choked from trying not to laugh, "Touch my mother, and you die. Last thing I want is another little ******* sibling, let alone, one related to you." he says, now laughing at his own joke. I must have no sense of humor, because none of this is funny. My parents raised me to respect women. I've seen Eric and Todd, both lay hands on Ally. She would get too drunk and start yelling and ******** Granted, she antagonized them, but they know her. She's too ******* little to REALLY fight. Luckily, it's never gotten past a few slaps and slams.
Sep 23, 2016
Sep 23, 2016 at 7:38 PM UTC
And this is what I do
What a child am I
The moment a social gathering is mentioned
Or I meet another with similar
Creative interests
I become crippled and inferior
Shaking in my boots
My voice shrinks
My mind is domed by a hovering cloud
Dark and Endless
My eyes become dry
No ,they don't soak
With salty tears
They stare
Off into the sad abyss
That is my reflection
My eyes are paralyzed
By silent thoughts
That have no voice
But the most physical effect
A caved in chest
Heavy breathing
Every bit of my strength
Refusing to scratch out my eyes
And pull out my hair
Because that
Would just add on to the migraine
I have been dragging on and on
Much like the cigarettes
People are so confused on why I smoke
Don't you see?
I am terribly self destructive
My world opens up
And I shut down
Sep 6, 2016
Sep 6, 2016 at 1:20 AM UTC
She lights up with innocence
But is tempted by a rebellious bone
Small and sweet
But has had only one love
An aching heart pain
It sends shockwaves to the brain
That puts her in lockdown
No way in
No way out
The poor thing
When good comes along
She dances and sings
But soon enough
She stops and thinks
Ponders the scary things
With no knowledge on how to jump
Leap from the cliff
Have faith that destiny will catch her
She sways and grooves along
Until she finds her song
Aug 30, 2016
Aug 30, 2016 at 4:00 PM UTC