You were always told that the answers you sought were inside you... residing in your body. But you never quite knew how to get them out. You resorted to cutting yourself open, you searched the scarlet letters that poured out but none of them spelled any words. It was like you were looking at a can of alphabet soup that had spilled it's contents onto the floor. And much like that can, after you spilled your contents, you too were empty. You cleaned up the mess but the inside was hollow and you still didn't have your answers.
May 29, 2016
May 29, 2016 at 3:11 AM UTC
I don't know how many times I've told you that I'm fine with it. And I think part of the reason I've reassured you so much is because I'm also reassuring myself. Thing is, I'm lying through my teeth. And, God, it hurts. I am so tired of feeling like I'm second best. I'm tired of broken promises and I'm tired of never coming first. I'm tired of salty streaks running down my cheeks and I'm tired of being so god **** confused. I'm not fine with it. I'm not fine with it. I'm not fine.
Jan 1, 2016
Jan 1, 2016 at 1:46 AM UTC
Night is hard
When the darkness settles in
And there's no light to distract me
From all of my sin
The quiet nights aren't too serene
When it's just me and my doubts
My self hatred, my uneven breath
A little voice tells me I'll never get out
My happiness leaves with the sun
And I spiral further into the abyss
I reach for the warm white light
But I'm met by night's cold kiss
My eyes snap shut
The inky black fills my veins
My body lies limp
And I'm filled with the pain
The weight of the world on my shoulders
Atlas was mighty, yet I'm too weak
The darkness and pain causes me to crumble
I'm too broken to speak
The night brings on
My most terrifying desires
I'm balancing on a tightrope
Made of the thinnest wires
If I slip and plummet
I'll be gone for good
Yet I hear whispers that say
"Maybe you should"
But I try my best
To balance til dawn
So I can feel the warmth
And my pain will be gone
Mar 20, 2015
Mar 20, 2015 at 12:15 AM UTC
I suppose this is the end
I guess this is goodbye
I thought you'd at least stay a friend
But I promise you, I won't cry
Not for your sake my sweet
Oh, heavens no
This isn't defeat
It doesn't hurt to watch you go
If you think I won't survive
You're quite mislead
I'm well and alive
Not filled with any dread
So goodbye my darling
Have no fear
My heart still sings
Without you here
Jan 28, 2015
Jan 28, 2015 at 11:02 PM UTC
Dear High School Me,
Freshman -
It's not you. It's not your fault. You are who you are and don't let anyone make you feel bad about that. Don't change yourself to please them, it won't work. You'll be accepted, but still held at bay. You'll never truly be accepted by them, and that's okay. You don't need their acceptance. You are human, and so are they. They aren't better than you, and you aren't lesser than them.
Sophomore -
You've accepted yourself, congratulations! Focus on that during the rocky times. This year will be the hardest one of your life. You'll try to end your life before it can begin. The present is painful, but the future is beautiful... Focus on that. The "weird" behaviors you have right now are coping mechanisms, don't be too hard on yourself. Your body is trying to protect you. Let it. When they follow you into the bathroom and you feel like you're in danger, listen to that feeling. Don't start blaming yourself, none of this is your fault. When they stalk you, and tell you that they're broken and utterly in love with you even though they've never met you before, that is a sign of psychosis, not a sign that you need to fix them. Don't let them guilt you into doing things you don't want to. This year will end, things will start to look up.
Junior - Don't let her guilt you into befriending your stalker. Use your backbone, you have one for a reason. You're allowed to dislike people. Especially people who stalked you. (seriously self, *** were you thinking?) Sing. Sing loudly and sing proudly. Don't be scared. This is what you love. Keep looking up. You will get out of this town this year. You'll go to a place where people accept you. You'll find your passions. You'll find yourself again.
Senior - This is your year of recovery. Use it wisely, but don't be scared when it comes to an end. You can't put off life forever.
Dear Present Me, you're a performer. You adore theatre. You have goals and passions and you're in college perusing them. You're singing, and learning, and loving, and laughing, and being you. And I am so, so, proud of you.
Jan 15, 2015
Jan 15, 2015 at 11:01 PM UTC
My heart continues beating
My mind continues wandering
My lips continue to sing
My lungs continue breathing
I am without you
But I continue to live
You told me I couldn't
And I believed you
My thoughts told me I'd die
If you weren't here
And I believed them
But here I am
On my own
And still living
Nov 9, 2014
Nov 9, 2014 at 6:05 PM UTC
It's not that I don't trust you
It's just memories of the past
Warn me not to
Nov 7, 2014
Nov 7, 2014 at 9:42 PM UTC
I'm doused in pink
And people think
That I'm weak
If my palette was bleak
Would you think me strong?
You'd think wrong
I'm made of steel
And quick to heal
I may be covered in bows
But heaven knows
This princess is tough
My edges might not be rough
I may look like a fragile flower
But I hold so much power
My femininity doesn't make me
Some weak little daisy
Beautiful yet tough, like diamonds & pearls
Just like the girls with ribbons and curls
Nov 4, 2014
Nov 4, 2014 at 12:46 AM UTC
I'm done with you
Completely through
Calling me when you feel alone
But I'm too busy to answer the phone
It's final, your turn is up
You blew it, buttercup
Don't come crying to me
My love's not free
Sorry babe, you shot your chance
No time for one last dance
I'm walking out the door
Love doesn't live here anymore
Oct 29, 2014
Oct 29, 2014 at 9:26 PM UTC
Love is a two way street
And I won't walk down it
If you're not in the middle to meet
I won't put in all the effort anymore
I won't feel any remorse
When I look in your eyes & slam the door
So go ahead & take two hours to reply
I won't bother responding at all
Nor will I be around to watch you cry
You'll wake up every morning with a cup of regret
And I'll walk happily along my way
And you, I'll so easily forget
Oct 28, 2014
Oct 28, 2014 at 1:31 AM UTC