I ended the only relationship I've ever had.
Seven days shy of four years I told him I didn't want to get married.
"So you want to get married but just not to me?"
I revisit that day in my sleep every night. The day that I took the plane to do it right. Boston behind me.
"You have completely broken my heart."
My brother by my side at the departure and arrival. The sumner tunnel under construction and $300 in jet fuel later.
"I want you to be gone when I come out of the bathroom."
A few months prior he told me that dating me was "bliss". I knew it hadn't been that for me.
"Is this it? Are you done with me just like that?"
I told him that he was taking me for granted and I couldn't talk to him when I needed him most. Hiding my mental illness should he think I'm broken.
"Just because I don't ask how your day is does mean I don't care."
He flew to Boston not 12 hours later. Even during his grand gesture he couldn't help but criticize me.
"Stand up straight."
He told me he thought suicide was selfish. How was I to tell him I had considered parking my car on the highway bridge over the Merrimack river and jumping off? A women did that the first week I lived here, so I knew it would work.
"I thought about putting a gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger."
My best friend told me he asked her for her name. I'd been dating him for three years. Pop quiz: Who is your girlfriend's best friend and roommate? Did he even listen to me speak at all? Did he even care about my life at all?
"Whats your name again?"
Three months later, I only see you when I sleep. I'm haunted by this memory. I never dream we are still together and I wonder what that means. I've broken up with you a hundred times but it doesn't get any easier.
"Tell me everything you don't like about me. Give me a list."
Jan 20, 2024
Jan 20, 2024 at 8:22 PM UTC
He says
We can’t have *** until I love him
So when he says
I wish we could have ***
He means
I wish you loved me
Jan 7, 2020
Jan 7, 2020 at 9:37 PM UTC
Are you okay? She asks me.
I nod yes but look down
She knows I am not
My past still haunts me
when night circles in
darkness never fleeting
In class I sit with my psychology professor's voice
somewhere in the distance
"What does anxiety feel like?"
Anxiety is the cheese steak
I threw in the garbage the fateful night
my friends in college told me they hated me
It is newly 14 year old Erin
looking over the side of Narragansett Pier
on her birthday thinking what if her head hit those rocks
The fear that no one will love me
I will continue in this world the way I came and will go,
alone.
I don't know how long these memories
will haunt me
my soul forever altered
Jan 22, 2019
Jan 22, 2019 at 11:02 AM UTC
I told my mom today that my best friend was experiencing depression.
She is studying abroad
and wakes up everyday feeling like she wants to be dead
So I said to my mother
Liz is miserable and wants to come home
She said to me
"Its home sickness she should stick it out"
Sep 24, 2018
Sep 24, 2018 at 9:45 PM UTC
Sometimes I still miss you
Sometimes is a lot of the time.
I don't know why
but I see you in my dreams
Sometimes you say that you want me
and I say me too
but in other dreams you say her name
and I wake up in sadness
My heart aches
for someone to love me
I don't know why it is so hard to be loved
no, actually, so hard for someone to love me
Sep 24, 2018
Sep 24, 2018 at 8:58 PM UTC
I don't want to read any romance poetry
I will think of you
and that makes me angry and cry
I miss you and I shouldn't
I want you to reach out to me
but I know it won't happen
this I'm sure
I need to get over you
but I don't want to
I never did
I wanted to be with you
but you wanted her
Aug 19, 2018
Aug 19, 2018 at 11:33 PM UTC
It has been a while since I've written poetry here
and thats because I loved a boy
Who didn't love me
He was selfish
but I was selfless in loving him
and he took advantage of that
even if he wasn't really trying to
He made me a playlist of songs
romantic connotations and all
to speak his mind from what he's scared to say
But he didn't actually say the words
so I couldn't claim he had
Sometimes I wonder if it was all in my mind
or in my heart
was it even real for him at all?
I told him I didn't want to be a second choice
He said I wasn't
But then why are you still wanting the other girl that dumped you 6 months ago when you've been seeing me for 5?
Even now I am still writing poetry about him
and I don't know if he even thinks about me now
It has been 12 weeks since we've talked
But I've seen him in my dreams
I wish they were real
and my heartbreak was not
Aug 19, 2018
Aug 19, 2018 at 11:24 PM UTC
I always have high expectations for summer
Not sure why I allow myself to do this every year
Maybe it’s because I’m trying to leave the school year on campus
And escape the people who make me unhappy
But then I’m let down each summer by the people who are supposed to make me happy
This summer it was a boy who told me I wasn’t a second choice but then still wanted someone else
Last summer it was the high school friends who told me it would be forever but then still had a list of complaints on me
My birthday comes around in July and I’m reminded of when I was suicidal at 14
Because everyone forgot my birthday so clearly I shouldn’t have been born.
I wanted to quietly step off a pier and die on the rocks but my brother sitting beside me kept me grounded
The summer is coming to an end now and I’m terrified for school
I don’t want any high expectations and be let down
A perpetual cycle of being excited and let down over and over
And when I see the girls who pushed me to the side I hope that do not cower in fear
A new school year is dawning and the unknown is in front of me
Aug 19, 2018
Aug 19, 2018 at 11:16 PM UTC
This is what anxiety is like:
My stomach is in knots
My heart is beating fast but when I put my hand over my heart I can't feel it at all
I might throw up, I'm not sure
My brain can't focus on one subject, one thought
I feel like there is nothing to do nothing to say I give up
Too many thoughts and yet none at all
Tight chest and curdling stomach, which will get me first?
And this all happens... for no reason at all.
May 17, 2018
May 17, 2018 at 8:39 PM UTC
I think that I am needy
There I said it
I don't have what everyone else has
a boy that loves them and wants them
and I think I'm needy
because I want that
I want the Pam and Jim love story
the Me before You story
the Meredith and Derek story
Is that so much to ask for?
It must be.
I say that there is someone for everyone
but when am I going to start believing it?
It seems so easy for everyone else,
to love and be loved, so quickly finding someone
but here I am chasing a boy who may not want me
and I convince myself he does
What if he doesn't?
Have I wasted my time?
When did I start measuring my worth
upon how far I have gone with a man?
And when someone else
who is much ____(er) than me
gets with a guy,
I feel like there must be something really wrong with me.
When did women become each other's competition?
When did I start being so harsh to myself?
I know what I want, truly, from a man
and I think I'm needy because I have standards and expectations
I want to be desired and loved and wanted
I needy for it and I hate myself for it
May 9, 2018
May 9, 2018 at 1:02 AM UTC