I've tailored so many suits,
Switching out mismatched buttons for shining brass,
And restoring fabric worn thin over years of well-loved use.
But I cannot tailor this traitorous skin to fit me right.
In some placed it's too lose,
In others too tight…
I cannot switch out the pieces of me I'd rather live without
For new pieces shining with pride.
There is no way to restore a body to what it should have been,
Or even to the simple majesty of what it once was.
Young and ignorant of its uneven seams.
I've hemmed ladies' skirts to the perfect lengths
So they no longer need to worry about tripping over the excess.
Hemmed them to show just the right amount of ankle
Or perhaps none at all..
But I cannot hem myself..
This excess emotion staining my voice denoted me as "she."
And I trip over my own voice that no longer fits in my mouth..
While gorgeous girls in gowns show off thin strips of themselves,
I am left trying to hide every piece of my skin.
This is why I have risked sunstroke in the dead of summer
Wearing a hoodie and jeans to keep me safe.
This is why swimming pools are often synonymous with nightmare.
I no longer know how to wear this body with pride.
So when they ask me when I knew I wasn't a girl…
I have to restrain my urge to laugh and cry all at once.
Because when do we know that something is not as perfect as we once thought..
Only once it has been shown to us and we've been told to fix it.
I wish I could go back to being ignorant of my uneven seams.
These uneven seams that I cannot rip out unless I want to bleed out.
These uneven seams that I will never be able to fix to perfection.
But maybe…
Slowly,
Ever so slowly,
We might be able to stretch the seams of this world.
So that no child has to learn to hate or fear
Their jagged edges
Their unhemmable spaces…
…
…
…
…
But I cannot be one of those children..
So I will use chemicals to hem my voice..
Readjust my buttons…
Stretch my seams…
I will find a seamster more experienced then I
To rip out these traitorous strings
And rearrange the fabric to a more seemly drape.
I will use new fabric to cover up the patterns I am no longer proud of…
The patterns that cloud my days…
I will mend my ways
Learning to live in a patchwork maze
Until my spirit can return to where it truly belongs
In a beautiful blaze.
- EPL 11/6/2017
Nov 6, 2017
Nov 6, 2017 at 10:41 PM UTC
Now that you are asleep dear I can think clearly about us.
The two people that we were, we are, and that we are becoming;
And while sometimes it terrifies me right now it merely brings a small smile to my face.
Because we are still here. Together. After nearly a two years and a half. The longest I have stayed by someone's side like this.
Bridging the gap between friends and lovers, and I think I could stay like this for years to come if only the stars will smile upon us.
But just like the stars I will wander, and because of that I worry when you call me your world. I have never wanted to be someone's world - especially not after seeing what can happen to someone who builds their universe around another whom they might eventually come to lose.
I do not want to be your galaxy, or your world, or your everything because…
Darling, my darling, my dear..
Your world is not a single people or even three.. Your world is everything you make it to be. It is everything you have ever done. Everything you will do. It is every song you sing. Every game you play. Every word you speak. And every life you touch and change.
I am just a small - though I'd like to believe important - piece to that vast and still growing space.
And, dear one. Though I know you would stand against this, I know that in the end I am just as replaceable as everyone on this Earth within your life. And though you may not understand that makes what we have all the sweeter for me. Because I don't long for forever anymore. Just for now and however long now can last.. If it's the rest of our lives then I'll rejoice, but if not I'm glad to have l retaught you what it means like to fall fast. To fall fast into love.
I hope I never have to teach you what it means to fall out of love like a thunderstorm beating it's refrain against our hearts.. but if I ever do just remember that just as I filled parts of a void left in your life by another special someone, another sweet human will come along to remind you what it means to smile again.
But they will not pick up your shards because my darling you are not glass. You are a will and soul of iron. You may be dented and bent sometimes, but you will never be broken. That next person will warm your soul.. They will fill up a place which you thought was lost to someone of the past. Perhaps me. Perhaps another. Regardless they will fill it just as you will fill something in them, and the warmth will let you change again. In the end they will welcome you into the forge of their hearts and you will either come out dented again yet stronger for it or stronger still than that with a bit more of your old shape now sharpened into a steel of comfort. Either way you will grow..
Just keep growing. With me by your side. Lets grown together for now because we still have so much farther to go. Do not think of yourself as old. You are merely aging. No time has been wasted because we are all aging; and sometimes a 10 year old can be older than a 50 year old. Age is a number it is the experiences we have lived which give us our growth, and right now we are still in a stage where we can be so very naive like babes yet in the swaddling cloth. How else would we have thought about forever in regards to two souls.
Despite this though. I wish to stand by you till the end of whatever we are. Until we can no longer shield, and guide, and care for one another. You have helped teach me to go from a place where I thought my body was all I could give as a token of care for another person to a place where I know my worth is more than what is written in my flesh.
So, my wolf... My Irish Lycanthrope.. Do not call me or make me your moon or your world.. Just allow me to be another treasured piece of the life you are building knowing that though you can live on without me.. You don't want to for now.
Just let me stand by your side, and that will be enough for however long the fates have appointed to us.
Apr 29, 2017
Apr 29, 2017 at 3:28 AM UTC
We are not shattered glass for you to attempt to piece back together only to cut yourself using that shed blood as an excuse for us owing you.. We are not shattered glass. We are iron.. Dented by the toils of this world, and the fires of your abuse are tempering us into steel..
... We will steal ourselves away from you time and time again until our hearts learn to understand the difference between love and abuse. Until our hearts learn the meaning of the word "No."... And until yours. do. too.
- EPL (EtherealOmega)
Apr 17, 2017
Apr 17, 2017 at 11:17 PM UTC
We've been taught to hide behind prose
So that no matter what the words say nobody truly knows
What's going through our heads
Ever hour until we finally turn in to our beds.
So for me it all started as a game of hide and seek
Seen as childish by older men
Who couldn't see past the flowery words
To the core of the issues I wanted to scream
But instead played off as a simple dream.
Somehow the simple game turned nightmare, and
These words became my walls.
The cold walls of a prison I had build for myself
Splattered with the bright colors of better times;
Times I didn't see crying out for help as one of my biggest crimes.
Days passed on, and I thought my personal winter was coming.
Yet time seemed to stop when his calloused hands touched the walls.
They were neither harsh nor gentle..
Many of those before him treated these walls as a rental,
But he came to scrape the color away and remind me of where I was.
His lips spilled the secret of how some could see.
They could see past the beauty to my heartfelt, tender plea.
These were the ones my words could speak to beyond a shadow of a doubt
And these lines could be their inner heart's water in a life long drought.
This journey of poetry has had as many paths for me as the stars
And each have coincided with my own private scars.
Words have become my olive branch,
My sword,
My soul's ward against demons that can't be ignored.
A life without prose is not what I chose,
And so forever shall I walk on the path of the wild rose.
May 25, 2016
May 25, 2016 at 1:36 PM UTC
If you asked me the one thing I couldn't live without
I wouldn't be able to answer immediately because I'd be too wrapped up
in the images my mind conjures.
The song that would play through my mind would shut my eyes
Because it brings back the memories of when I asked him to be mine..
even though it could be his demise.
I would be able to see vividly that smile that is contagious even when I've
been crying.
I would be able to hear that sound of rolling thunder in his laugh..
I would be able to feel his body against mine as well laid in the summer
night beneath the stars,
And I might just begin to cry as I remember him kissing each of my scars.
That safe feeling he brings to me is addicting
In this world where I've learned that almost no one can be trusted,
And I find that I just want to lose myself in those stormy eyes
The eyes which show all his pain and his love and make it impossible for
him to lie.
But if you ask me again about the one thing I couldn't live without I
would smile,
And I would not say his name.
Instead I would say "My journal" still smiling all the while
Because it is the one thing that can not abandon me
And the one thing that can't give me away to you or let you see.
So please.. Don't ask me what I can't live without because I can not choose
Between the sacred truth and the safety of lies
Because I fear losing trust
But I've also been taught that that hiding the dangerous truth is a must.
So I will lie through my teeth
Saying that love can't touch me and there's no one that can make me
smile.
I will say that the thing I trust and could ever want is the pages of a
journal,
And I will turn away to make sure you can't see the struggle internal.
So when I am exiled to solitude it will not be him they let me take with
me,
Because I can't bring myself to separate him from those he loves and those
who need him
And even more so because for the longest time the lines pages of a book
were my perfect escape
From the world made my heart in need of binding tape,
And when it is between his life and mine I will gladly run back to my
old and only escape.
Apr 7, 2016
Apr 7, 2016 at 7:48 PM UTC
Today is better than last night for now the delicate cords held within my throat do not refuse air its passage through them for anything more than the oxygen it carries even though all I was wanting to do was scream.
Today is better than last night for now my sight is clear - free of the tears which could not fall due to the dam I built too high and too well who's retribution was to refract my guiding lights into nonsensical shapes which could offer no comfort.
Today is better than last night for now the sharp daggers of keratin are not biting at my skin frantically trying to purify me of this rotting flesh which coats my bones, and my mind is past not being able to wrap its tendrils about the idea of people possibly loving this wretched creature I have become... Or perhaps it did wrap around that fragile concept but instead of absorbing it those vines of the rose garden of my mind stayed true to form and grew thorns to pierce and tear at the idea like my nails once did to this alabaster canvas while holding as tightly as doubt sometimes holds my lungs keeping me from breathing, but this concept is more breakable then my lungs... And so it was crushed into stardust. The same stardust that comprises or bodies because every element of our bodies is created within our guiding lights we wish upon. And I see that sparkle of stardust every day in each of your eyes. I see it in everyone's eyes.. except my own... And it makes me wonder if maybe dad was right and some people are just made of a different type of dust. A dust comprised from the ashes of hell itself which will forever smolder but never more catch aflame... The ashes filed with the agonies of those souls which lost themselves in the madness and feel into the eternal night.
Feb 28, 2016
Feb 28, 2016 at 6:17 PM UTC
Day after day
I find myself wasting away.
I never wanted to be back here..
Here. Living in constant fear
Of the blade that draws blood
And the steaming water that sears.
I promised to leave them behind,
But sometimes it just seems the more kind.
Because at least that way I stay silent
At least this way I don't become violent
And hurt those I love..
It's time to begin praying again for the stars to fall into alignment.
It's time to start praying to a god that doesn't exist
That I will stop finding a blade pressed to my wrist.
I miss the days where everything wasn't wrong.
I miss the days where I was actually strong.
Those days were a salve to all the open wounds
But now those days are once again gone and all I can do is lose myself in a song...
So please if you're somewhere that is full of light.
Never let that place go even if you have to fight.
I lost sight of my haven a long time ago..
And found myself lost in this dark place of woe.
And every day I keep fighting not to sink into that dim place,
But more times then not I find myself just wanting to let go.
Feb 4, 2016
Feb 4, 2016 at 1:54 PM UTC
Time for loneliness to settle in,
Hope to the gods I never give in.
The pain spreads like flowers,
Hoping that this wont be my final hour.
As I sit here lost in my thoughts,
I know that it was not all for naught.
I'm stuck here only to watch so far away,
through this painful window miles away.
I clutch at this pendent of mine,
To remind myself of the better times.
A smile always seems to cross my face,
Setting my mood with a new pace.
I hold onto these things,
These things called dreams.
In hope for a better time to be.
- 50RR0W
Dec 9, 2015
Dec 9, 2015 at 10:45 AM UTC
I can still remember
The way things were so sweet and simple
Just two kids happy to be friends and share every moment
I can still remember
Us sharing our first kiss on my bed
Just the simplest kiss of two curious kids
I can still remember
The kisses the came after more and more frequent
And how every time my lips met hers they tingled
I can still remember
Falling for my best friend slowly
Her laugh and smile all I could ever want
I can still remember
All the nights spent in the basement
Curled close under covers stealing secret kisses as a movie played
...I can still remember…
When it all started to change
How the sweet and simple faded replaced with something worse
...I can still remember…
The needy kisses the parted my lips
And how her own felt like fire upon my skin
...I can still remember…
How my best friend slowly became my mistress
How my first love slowly became a sin
...I can still remember…
All the nights spent in the basement
That I came out of with rope burns on my wrists and a fear of restraint
...I can still remember…
Her fangs sinking into the skin at my shoulder
That place still stings and burns sometimes at night
...I can still remember…
Her time and time again leaving for a real boy
Only to come back crying saying I was the only one for her
...I can still remember…
The way my heart shredded itself with every parting
But still found a way to offer itself with every return
...I can still remember…
The first time I didn’t answer her call
The way my heart hurt because it wanted to hear her
...I can still remember…
Both the bad moments and the good with equal fervor
And so I still keep her picture on my wall as a reminder
Sometimes I still think about calling her again
Just to see how she’s doing
...But again I can still remember….
How my heart took her back time and time again no matter how broken
And how I used to convince myself I felt nothing at all
And now I know I can’t risk it
No matter how much I miss every single thing about her
Even the bad nights spend in the basement
...Because I can still remember...
How I would find myself tied back into the cycle
The cycle that almost took my life
Dec 1, 2015
Dec 1, 2015 at 5:40 PM UTC
A healer with broken wings
Stands staring down at his hands
They are covered in crimson blood
As clear tears run down his cheeks like a flood
The memories..
They are all coming back to him now
Terrible things which he wishes he had never done
Things he wishes he could go back and change somehow
He lost his gift trying to free her
His love to him the greatest spurr
Yet still it was not him that broke the chains
Yet still it was not him that took away her pains
He lost his wings when he was cast from the order
His gift used up and his mind now in complete disorder
The ones above him saw him more as a threat
That it would be better to just cast out and forget
He lost any last shred of humanity when that creature came
When it tried to make him and it one and the same
For that life it took from him his sight
But ever more it had cast upon him a terrible blight
Now he is losing his sanity
As he stands in the rain contemplating life’s profanity
Everything is swirling around him in a cloud of dark abyss
Everything within him has gone terribly amiss
The simpleness is gone
And so is the light
Now his mind is falling into…..
o
h A s
C
.
Nov 30, 2015
Nov 30, 2015 at 1:04 AM UTC