Espressopatronums - Hello Poetry

I think I’m losing my poetry. Not in some bleak, calamitous way, Just – I don’t know how to start anymore. Is that the problem? That I’m caught up in my once-upon-a-times And my dark-and-stormy-nights? Maybe. Or. I’m trapped in my metaphors. Even – I’m tangled in my analogies. Trying to tap the trees of every experience I’ve ever had and Bleed them for all their meaning. Picking up each imperfect seed of memory and desperately Injecting their cores with GMO/Pesticide/Make this Matter/Juice. This cyclical little life of mine is whirling too quickly, My tail is tying knots in my intestines. I can see the nape of my neck approaching in the distance, Time taps her toes on my scaled sloping back and tsk-tsks not long now. I keep on asking her what the countdown is for. She checks her watch and smiles.

0

Nov 15, 2023

Nov 15, 2023 at 3:16 PM UTC

countdowns

I think I’m losing my poetry. Not in some bleak, calamitous way, Just – I don’t know how to start anymore. Is that the problem? That I’m caught up in my once-upon-a-times And my dark-and-stormy-nights? Maybe. Or. I’m trapped in my metaphors. Even – I’m tangled in my analogies. Trying to tap the trees of every experience I’ve ever had and Bleed them for all their meaning. Picking up each imperfect seed of memory and desperately Injecting their cores with GMO/Pesticide/Make this Matter/Juice. This cyclical little life of mine is whirling too quickly, My tail is tying knots in my intestines. I can see the nape of my neck approaching in the distance, Time taps her toes on my scaled sloping back and tsk-tsks not long now. I keep on asking her what the countdown is for. She checks her watch and smiles.

19

Even now, no matter how meandering the path may be, all my poetry stumbles back to you.

0

Apr 11, 2023

Apr 11, 2023 at 5:23 PM UTC

my muse and I dont speak anymore, but they are more a part of me than I am

Even now, no matter how meandering the path may be, all my poetry stumbles back to you.

6

This place still exists, it turns out. I didn't mean to find it, I just wanted to use this website for a project, and it redirected me here. I guess that's fate being herself once again, because this always was the place for deep secrets and darker thoughts. You won't ever find this, I'm almost sure of it. 1. I said I wouldn't write about you anymore, I hope this doesn't break that rule. 2. I'm so happy you've moved on, I'm so grateful to the universe for giving you back love. 3. I've moved on too. It's been... slow... I feel like there's always something new to unpack, something else to remember, something more to forgive or repent. I'm not in a relationship in any kind of traditional sense, but I'm learning to love in a way that heals rather than hurts, and that's pretty immense. 4. sometimes I wish you sent me that email on valentines, sometimes I wonder what it would say and what it could have changed. 5. most of the time, I'm glad you didn't, and you found a love that seems so full of Good in the glimpses I've tangentially seen. 6. A lot of the time, I think about whether you read my email. I wonder if it helped or hurt, I wonder if you think of me at all. 7. Always, I hope for a future where we talk, catch up as friends, you let me cheer for you on the sidelines of your life as you grow into this amazing person you've always had the capacity to become. 8. Eternally, I'll love you. In the way of dog-eared books and well-loved movies. A finished kind of love, a sweet kind of loss. 9. whatever I am to you these days, be it villain or side character, or nothing at all, I hope I at least remain a lesson, to never accept anything less than the love you deserve ever again, no matter the reason 10. Thanks for saving my life

0

Mar 2, 2023

Mar 2, 2023 at 7:51 PM UTC

yellow and blue and green green green

This place still exists, it turns out. I didn't mean to find it, I just wanted to use this website for a project, and it redirected me here. I guess that's fate being herself once again, because this always was the place for deep secrets and darker thoughts. You won't ever find this, I'm almost sure of it. 1. I said I wouldn't write about you anymore, I hope this doesn't break that rule. 2. I'm so happy you've moved on, I'm so grateful to the universe for giving you back love. 3. I've moved on too. It's been... slow... I feel like there's always something new to unpack, something else to remember, something more to forgive or repent. I'm not in a relationship in any kind of traditional sense, but I'm learning to love in a way that heals rather than hurts, and that's pretty immense. 4. sometimes I wish you sent me that email on valentines, sometimes I wonder what it would say and what it could have changed. 5. most of the time, I'm glad you didn't, and you found a love that seems so full of Good in the glimpses I've tangentially seen. 6. A lot of the time, I think about whether you read my email. I wonder if it helped or hurt, I wonder if you think of me at all. 7. Always, I hope for a future where we talk, catch up as friends, you let me cheer for you on the sidelines of your life as you grow into this amazing person you've always had the capacity to become. 8. Eternally, I'll love you. In the way of dog-eared books and well-loved movies. A finished kind of love, a sweet kind of loss. 9. whatever I am to you these days, be it villain or side character, or nothing at all, I hope I at least remain a lesson, to never accept anything less than the love you deserve ever again, no matter the reason 10. Thanks for saving my life

12

I’ll always be left wondering if first love is just slang for a practice run

0

May 2, 2022

May 2, 2022 at 6:23 PM UTC

Out

I’ll always be left wondering if first love is just slang for a practice run

1

How many holes have I plugged with Sorry, Where a Thank You would have cemented the cracks?

0

Feb 13, 2022

Feb 13, 2022 at 1:42 PM UTC

foundations

How many holes have I plugged with Sorry, Where a Thank You would have cemented the cracks?

2

how do you come to terms with the best part of the worst part of your life I don't regret it. but it hurts just the same

0

Jan 31, 2022

Jan 31, 2022 at 1:11 PM UTC

Untitled

how do you come to terms with the best part of the worst part of your life I don't regret it. but it hurts just the same

2

brainless shuffle c r a w l i n g nerveless fog lifts. tingling fingers gut drop (you have one of those now) look up, knife to chest the seasons passed without you. and just like that you can mourn the end of love.

0

Jan 30, 2022

Jan 30, 2022 at 11:51 AM UTC

on the brain starved

brainless shuffle c r a w l i n g nerveless fog lifts. tingling fingers gut drop (you have one of those now) look up, knife to chest the seasons passed without you. and just like that you can mourn the end of love.

10

I started a new kind of therapy yesterday. EMDR, Trauma therapy. I didn't even realise I had PTSD until I read the emergency referral form. and when the therapist asked me to tell her about my safe place - real or imagined - how could I say it was within the arms of a girl I chose to say goodbye to?

0

Feb 18, 2021

Feb 18, 2021 at 6:14 PM UTC

The truth feels a lot like lying.

I started a new kind of therapy yesterday. EMDR, Trauma therapy. I didn't even realise I had PTSD until I read the emergency referral form. and when the therapist asked me to tell her about my safe place - real or imagined - how could I say it was within the arms of a girl I chose to say goodbye to?

5

why do i only feel alive when im toeing the line of death

0

Feb 14, 2021

Feb 14, 2021 at 10:51 AM UTC

Untitled

why do i only feel alive when im toeing the line of death

1

when the anxiety of being around someone becomes so strong that your stutter blocks your words like it did when you were 7, its time to let go. when a texting screen makes you run to the bathroom and spit out bile because every word that you want to type is wrong somehow; its time to let go. when you realise that being with her has become a reason to welcome the hunger that's killing you (and when you have convinced yourself that that's the version of you she wants, despite having no evidence to back it up); its time to let go. when the notes page on your phone has more drafted breakup messages than it does shopping lists; its time to let go. when you've lost your poetry because every line inside of you has frozen in fear of no longer being a lyric of love; its time to let go. when every thought of letting go is fuelled by external anxieties, its not the right time, it must be done in person, it will hurt her and that will be your fault, deal with the pain. deal with the fear. putting yourself first makes you abusive. makes you no better than the ones that hurt you; I'm sorry, but its time to let go. it will hurt. it will teach you every intricacy of torture. you will know how it feels to be stabbed in the sternum and there will be no culprit to blame. but its time to let go.

0

Jan 4, 2021

Jan 4, 2021 at 3:53 PM UTC

Hey kid,

when the anxiety of being around someone becomes so strong that your stutter blocks your words like it did when you were 7, its time to let go. when a texting screen makes you run to the bathroom and spit out bile because every word that you want to type is wrong somehow; its time to let go. when you realise that being with her has become a reason to welcome the hunger that's killing you (and when you have convinced yourself that that's the version of you she wants, despite having no evidence to back it up); its time to let go. when the notes page on your phone has more drafted breakup messages than it does shopping lists; its time to let go. when you've lost your poetry because every line inside of you has frozen in fear of no longer being a lyric of love; its time to let go. when every thought of letting go is fuelled by external anxieties, its not the right time, it must be done in person, it will hurt her and that will be your fault, deal with the pain. deal with the fear. putting yourself first makes you abusive. makes you no better than the ones that hurt you; I'm sorry, but its time to let go. it will hurt. it will teach you every intricacy of torture. you will know how it feels to be stabbed in the sternum and there will be no culprit to blame. but its time to let go.

7