I need to scream.
I need to inhale and
then exhale
loudly
forcefully
and audibly,
But this requires that I
first
know how to breathe.
I need to breathe.
But Can’t.
That requires me to
shut out the noise in
my mind
And focus on
Inhaling
And then exhaling.
Again and again.
But this task is
impossible
For someone who’s mind
Is ON
ALL OF
THE TIME.
So
How does one shut out
the noise
when all you can do is
listen
and hear
what no one else can?
I need to scream.
I need to bleed,
And ****
And fight.
But all I can do
Is sit here
And Need.
Oct 18, 2024
Oct 18, 2024 at 8:19 PM UTC
You were a warm, weighted blanket,
You comforted me when I was alone.
You made me feel safe and well,
You quickly became my home.
Your embrace was warm and welcoming,
But soon became too hot.
I tried to kick you off of me,
I fought with all I’ve got.
Your hold was now too tight,
Sometimes I couldn’t breathe.
I swore I’d never touch you again,
But I’m truth, I couldn’t leave.
You were all I never wanted,
This thing, sewn to my bed,
But I couldn’t ask a soul for help,
So I clung to you instead.
People soon began to worry,
If I was doing alright.
I missed work, events, and meals,
Just to sleep with you at night.
I thought that I could manage you,
That I could pick and choose…
“An evening here, an evening there”
But it’s a game that I would lose.
One night you suffocated me,
Made me sleep for “one last time”.
But someone cut you off of me,
And brought me back to life.
I really thought I loved you,
But I should have known better.
I should have known you’d almost **** me…
I should have bought a sweater.
Mar 12, 2022
Mar 12, 2022 at 8:55 PM UTC
I'm running.
I'm running out of patience
I'm running out of time
I'm running from myself
And All I do is cry.
I'm running on empty
I'm on autopilot now
Breathing has become a labor
And I just don't know how.
This pressure is so suffocating
I can't seem to smile
I just want to run
To Get away for a while.
But these chains, they bind me here
I can't let them down
But I can't save myself
I need you now.
This emptiness is killing me
I don't know where to turn
And so I'll run into the sun
And Away my soul will burn.
Feb 26, 2022
Feb 26, 2022 at 4:40 PM UTC
My heart’s been pulled out of my chest. And I’m the one who pulled it. All of my decisions have led to this point and now I have to deal with the consequences. I am a murderer. I am my own judge and jury and I am going away for a LONG time...
Feb 3, 2021
Feb 3, 2021 at 1:33 PM UTC
When my body and soul want to die,
Your glittering image strikes my eye,
Flowers befall me,
The pain melts away,
When my mind says “go!”
My heart wants to stay.
The devil can’t catch me,
I’m safe in your arms,
You won’t let the voices,
Do me much harm.
You kiss away tears,
You hold me so close,
You make me smile
when I’m hurting the most.
So when I call you my angel,
I just want to say,
When the demons surround me,
I say NOT TODAY.
Feb 3, 2021
Feb 3, 2021 at 1:26 PM UTC
The hum of your song, sings me to sleep
It’s the only thing that makes me comfortable
Your voice it pulls me in so deep
Into the light, out of the miserable
Sing to me my angel,
Free me from this prison.
I walk among the living dead,
I walk without a mission.
The silk reverberates across your tongue
Tell me that I’m special
Tell me I’m the only one.
I’ll make you my queen when you are done.
You are my song,
the one that plays so beautifully
You are my song,
the one that plays so magically
You’re my magical girl,
with that life saving gaze
You are the one for who I’ll change all my ways.
You are my song.
My beautiful song.
So sing to me.
Mar 15, 2020
Mar 15, 2020 at 8:51 PM UTC
Shall I compare thee to the butterfly,
Thou hast more beauty, more strength, and more grace.
Rough winds do blow paper wings toward the sky,
And an icy chill doest berate h’r face.
The weight of h’r first original form:
But a caterpillar, she did abhor,
Brings onto h’r face a look so forlorn
Alas! One day she proclaimed she would soar!
With wings so frail, she emerged from her sleep,
With a new body, h’r soul couldst keepeth
To findeth a love so quaint and so deep,
Upon my gaze, thee did take hence mine breath.
I hath’t such adoration for thy soul,
For t’ is mine weak heart, yond hath’t quickly stole.
Feb 13, 2020
Feb 13, 2020 at 10:22 PM UTC
Why do I matter? Why should I stay?
Because where you leave your pain and suffering, many people who are still here will pick it up... Yes, you may feel like no one cares or they wouldn’t notice if you left, but you are wrong. You're worth much more than you realize. Every persons life is important and meaningful because of how we are all connected. Look around... how many people are in your world? How many people have you come in contact with? Even if they never met you in person, even if they've never said a word to you; your death would affect their life.
One of my brother’s best friends died when we were in high school. Geoff was never a huge part in my life, but he was in my world. He was always over my house because my brother and his were best friends and they were swim/water polo teammates. His death was caused by meningitis, not suicide, but even so, it impacted so many people and took everyone by surprise. When they announced his name over the loud speaker that day at school, I felt a part of my heart break... Because I knew that right then, his parents, sister and his older brother were in so much pain... Because I knew all of his friends, my brother included, were crying, mourning and thinking of all of the times they had had with him. Even to this day, almost 10 years later, people still post things about him on Facebook. Every year on his birthday, I see people sharing photos and memories. I see his brothers posts on the anniversary of his death and my heart breaks over and over. I watched his brother collapse and scream — crying over the loss of his brother. I'll never forget that sound. I can never forget that image. His parents had a complete mental break down. His mom was actually institutionalized afterwards because she was a danger to herself. His father became an alcoholic very soon after Geoffs death. No one could comprehend what life was going to be like without Geoff. Even people like me, someone who only knew him in passing, were affected by his death. You may think that you are worthless, that no one will miss you, that this pain will never end, but you aren’t, they will, and it will. Trust me love. I’ve gone through 27 years of fighting mental illness, loss, and suicide attempts. I know exactly what you’re going through, but committing suicide would destroy a lot of people. This is a part of the reason I hold on. So, Please don't give up. It gets better.
Feb 12, 2020
Feb 12, 2020 at 1:55 PM UTC
Can you hear her screaming?
Can you hear her questions?
Did you even feel bad?
Did you learn your lesson?
Can you see her?
Can you see her pain?
Can you even see her?
Can you even say her name?
You ask for love,
you ask for her heart,
But she’s not prepared to give that part.
She shares her love with many,
Many have seen her bare her soul.
But you don’t want that,
you just want control.
She asks “Can you hear me screaming now?
Can you hear my plea?
Will you let go of my throat?
Will you ever let go of me?”
She just wants to give up,
End it all — call it quits,
But that will never please you,
She’s entertainment and you have tickets.
Feb 11, 2020
Feb 11, 2020 at 10:38 AM UTC
Lies, Lies, it’s all a bunch of lies,
Everything that comes out of this hole of mine,
Lies, Lies, why are you surprised?
You’ve caught me before — time after time.
So many lies got me confusing myself,
So give me the liquor off the highest shelf.
Except I don’t drink, I don’t kiss, I don’t tell,
Ive created a paradise in my own private hell.
It’s built up completely of my perfect little lies,
I’ve become the person that I most despise,
All I do is cheat and look you dead in the eyes,
Tell you what you want to hear and listen to your cries.
No remorse, not a care, not a single **** given,
My truthful story, it must stay hidden,
Cause you see all these things are wrong and forbidden.
You threaten to leave me, and I know you’re not kidding.
So I must keep up this clever disguise,
I must keep lying to your beautiful eyes.
So I ask you now, why even try?
Do yourself a favor, and just say goodbye.
Feb 7, 2020
Feb 7, 2020 at 11:38 AM UTC