i fantasize about being warm
i know, pitiful
but there's something so special about getting out of a warm bath or running out of the ocean water so your mom can wrap you up in a towel and carry you while you fall asleep
everything feels a little bit brighter
id set all the fires i could if it meant feeling that warmth again
Mar 19, 2021
Mar 19, 2021 at 11:30 AM UTC
im overcome with the need to reinvent myself and confess everything to everyone, to become so open that im bleeding out every secret ive ever had to keep all over the linoleum floor, but second thoughts stitch me back together with needles made of words meant to cut, whittled down thin enough to fit just underneath the skin, pulling gashes in my skin together with online threads about checking up on your friends that everyone reads and nobody listens to, performative pieces that people regurgitate to make you think they care but they dont, because we're too busy worrying about ourselves to think of anybody else. we're conceited by nature, reverse narcissists kneeling by a river, scrutinizing our reflections, searching, aching for imperfections so we can say "look at how horribly ugly i am and pity me". we're too proud to be pitiful and too pitiful to have any pride, paradoxical advertisements of lonely people too scared to ask for love.
my hands are shaking and my mind is buzzing and if this makes any semblance of sense to you then I am so terribly sorry.
Oct 23, 2020
Oct 23, 2020 at 12:57 PM UTC
im soft right now
and part of me wonders
will you love me when im no longer soft
when my muscles shift and my hips get bony
will you tell me to put on a few pounds
put some meat on my bones
when im no longer a soprano or even an alto
will you tell me my voice is too loud and booming
that i should speak softly
when hair blankets my body like moss on a stone
will you tell me my kisses hurt you
that if i dont shave every day its too itchy to bear
will my body be the end of us
i hope not
because under enough blankets my hips wont poke you
and after enough lullabies everything feels quiet
and with enough beard oil anything is soft enough to kiss
Oct 12, 2020
Oct 12, 2020 at 11:23 PM UTC
-2:16 a.m-
emilenn is online
hey, are you up?
nvm
doesn't matter
there's so much I need to tell you
and at this point it doesn't matter if you're here to listen or not
so i'll start off with the heaviest thing
i love you
and right now im not quite sure what that means
but i needed to say it because i don't say it nearly enough
next thing on the list is that i miss you so much right now
and i dont know if it's the isolation getting to me or what
but i miss everything about you
your hands
and how i was always too nervous to ask if i could hold them
because i didnt know where we stood
and for some reason
something deep inside me
thought asking would make you hate me
your eyes
and the little tears of laughter that would ***** up in them
whenever i would do that impression of my old chemistry teacher
because your laugh was golden to me
and id do anything to hear it again
your smile
and how you refused to show your teeth cos you hated your braces
and how i so badly wanted to pry your lips open with mine
because your braces are so **** cute
your voice
and that raspiness it gets when you laugh too hard for too long
and how for some reason
i wanted to hug you every time your voice got like that
or maybe im just being melodramatic
and this is all too much for a conversation at 2 am
with a person whos not even here
but i need you to know how loved you are
because i haven't been told in a long time
whether or not people actually care about me
and not to **** on your family
but i figured it was the same for you
so i love you
whatever that means
emilenn has left
Jul 23, 2020
Jul 23, 2020 at 1:09 AM UTC