The highest recognition of a female role model and mentor will never go to my mother because the things she was supposed to teach me were taught to me by another.
Another mother, yes but so much like the big sister I never had but always wanted. From simple conversations about how to be me to complex conversations about how to let go.
She helped me understand it all without being made to feel small. She helped me let go of the anger and resentment I held onto so dearly in hopes that you would eventually come around.
The jealousy speaks louder than my heartbeat in the midst of a severe anxiety attack when I feel as though my lungs are being crushed. This feeling of jealousy I know all too well because I remember it being taught by you.
Aug 26, 2022
Aug 26, 2022 at 12:21 AM UTC
I feel like I'm drowning and no one can save me
I feel like I am screaming but no one can hear me
I feel like I am falling but none is there to rescue me
do you feel what I feel or is it just me
Apr 13, 2021
Apr 13, 2021 at 10:28 PM UTC
no one understands
no one gets it
no one loves me
no one feels the way I feel
no one gets me
no one knows me
but sometimes you have to let someone in so they can get to know you
Apr 13, 2021
Apr 13, 2021 at 10:23 PM UTC
from the way I talk to the way I walk god made me for a reason and I am living the best I can and we all have a purpose one day and we all have a reason to stay
Apr 13, 2021
Apr 13, 2021 at 10:15 PM UTC
sometimes holding on hurts more than letting go
sometimes crying is better than laughing
sometimes someone not being around is better than them being around and hurting you
and sometimes life is hard but it's just a battle that leads to a victory
Apr 13, 2021
Apr 13, 2021 at 10:11 PM UTC
I gave you all had to lose
my soul my heart my finest Jul
I lowered my walls so you could break them
for what? for you to hurt me again
I thought you were better than the others
but I thought wrong
this what I get for thinking and not knowing I guess
you taught me not to trust people so easily
so now people have to gain my trust which I should have done in the first place.
so now that I think of it you taught me a life lesson so thanks
By Michayla
Apr 13, 2021
Apr 13, 2021 at 10:06 PM UTC
it's not always happy in my eyes
it's not always happy in my head
but I put a smile on and go through the day
fake it till you make it am I right
people always say they want a perfect life, a perfect love story
but I just want a life that is worth living for
you can take a picture of yourself and people will think you are the happiest person on the planet
when really its the opposite
you are crying behind closed doors
you can fule someone buy not saying one thing wrong
so when you think someone's life is perfect think about the things you don't see
Apr 13, 2021
Apr 13, 2021 at 9:37 PM UTC
+~~~~~~~+
I ran back to you because I missed you.
I ran back to because I didn't want you to be sad.
I ran back to you because I thought it was my job to protect you.
+~~~~~~~+
I couldn't keep my word that I would stay away because I was terrified to hurt you.
I couldn't stay away because I thought I was letting you down.
I couldn't stay away because I wanted to show you that I was trying to be perfect for you.
+~~~~~~~+
I learned that I was so much happier without you.
I learned that I didn't have to be perfect for you.
I learned that it wasn't my job to protect you.
+~~~~~~~+
I am happy without you.
I am me without you.
I am allowed to be without you.
+~~~~~~~+
Oct 20, 2020
Oct 20, 2020 at 1:17 AM UTC
I was taught by societal expectations that brothers are suppose to protect their little sisters.
I was taught to trust my brothers and to know that they would do anything to protect me.
My family was never normal though, so believing this made me look like an idiot.
I am the only daughter in a family with many boys.
I was so naive and stupid to believe the lies.
It's crazy that my brother who wasn't even around a lot is the one I trust the most.
I was five the first time anything ****** happened.
I had absolutely no clue what was happening and why I was being manipulated into doing.
And even crazier, the predator was only about 7.
What!
I still to this day haven't told a soul about that night, but I remember it like it was yesterday.
I let it slip out of my mind thinking that it was normal.
From then, he made me do things for him and watch stuff with him that I didn't want to watch.
Everyday, I thought about him hurting me more.
I was 11 the next time.
I had a little more knowledge of what he was doing, but I was still intimidated by everything.
I knew though, that it actually wasn't normal and really should not have been something I had to go through.
I was home alone with him, and I just wanted to be in my room alone.
He was around 13 years old.
That was the first time he had threatened me with the "I'll tell mom" card.
I learned to not even think about telling my parents about what happened.
Thankfully he stopped messing with me for a while because I had moved in with my grandma.
Thank God that she let me.
I ended up getting taken away from my parents, living in an emergency shelter, living in a children's home, losing my dad, and getting moved in with a potential adoptive family before he hurt me again.
I was 15 when he sexually assaulted me in my adoptive family's home.
He had gotten kicked out of placements and came to visit to see if he could be adopted with us.
I didn't say anything because I knew that no one would believe me.
I ended up telling my adoptive parents because I was in so much physical pain.
They claimed that they believed me, but I knew they didn't.
They put all these restrictions on me after he had left and an investigation started.
I was questioned more that I thought I would need to be and I had two of the police investigators tell me that I made it all up.
I felt like I was just a burden to everyone at that point and no one knew all the details.
I wasn't given the chance to tell my story.
Years later, my whole family came up with reasons to justify what he did to me.
They said that he just wanted me to be prepared.
My brother that assaulted me wasn't the only one that was messed up.
My twin brother played a big part in everything too.
He knew that my attacker was going to do what he did to me.
Not only did he know, he told me he wanted to watch.
To this day, almost 5 years later, I have never been able to look at either of them the same way.
My mother still doesn't believe me, but she stopped caring about me years ago.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear mom,
I believed you. Why couldn't you believe me?
Dear R,
What did I do to you for you to take advantage of my body? Why did you hate me so much that you could do that?
Dear C,
Why did you want to see him hurt me? Why weren't you supportive?
Dears R & C,
Why didn't y'all protect y'alls little sister? I'm the only one you have!
Dear Me,
None of that was your fault! You didn't do anything wrong! Don't ever be afraid to ask for help when you are in danger. I'm here for you!
Love yourself!
Oct 8, 2020
Oct 8, 2020 at 11:04 PM UTC
My mind can't even be defined as my mind anymore
Wormholes exist
Sometimes it gets so dark
Just dark...
Jul 9, 2020
Jul 9, 2020 at 10:21 PM UTC