Some days, I almost believe I am doing fine, as if I can just forget the world and the pain that comes with it.
Some days, the smiles feel less like a lie.
But those days are far and a few between now.
Those days when I just can't stop smiling.
Those days where I am glad to be here.
Glad to be alive.
Those days where it doesn't feel painful to just breathe.
But nowadays, it's hard to even remember that feeling.
Laughter spills from the other room,
So welcoming,
I sit here, unable to reach it,
Like invisible bars between us.
The world is blank, lifeless, and without color.
My breathing is labored.
Thoughts slip before I can hold on to them.
My world blurs into something I no longer recognize
I can't do anything properly anymore.
A broken vase cannot hold water; it is slipping through my hands without control.
I am a cracked vase on the edge of a table.
It slips through—impossible for me to grasp,
Pooling at my feet, no matter how tightly I try to hold myself together.
Why do I keep on trying?
Why do I keep on thinking as though there is a solution to this pain?
Why haven't I given up entirely?
I have shattered into a million pieces. And no duct tape or glue could ever fix me.
My chest is now hollow when I breathe.
And no matter how carefully I attempt to hold the glass shards together,
I still end up empty.
Mar 20
Mar 20, 2026 at 12:28 AM UTC
If I had a conversation with my younger self, what would I say?
Would I have to explain
Why ther are scars along our thighs,
Would she be horrified with what we have become?
She never imagined we would try to erase ourselves
Would she ask about the circles under our eyes,
The way our voice sounds tired
even when we say we’re fine?
Would she ask what happened
To our childhood friend,
Why some friendships fade
And others break without warning?
Would I have to sit her down slowly
and tell her about the people we would lose,
And the ones who would choose to leave?
Would she hate me
for the things we did when we were struggling?
Would she understand
how close we came to giving up,
how heavy everything feels,
how death sometimes seem easier than staying?
Or would she just look at me
with wide eyes
And ask how we got here?
I wouldn’t know what to tell her.
I still don’t fully understand it myself.
I don’t know exactly when the light dimmed,
Or when surviving started to feel
like the only goal.
But somehow it happened.
Or I wonder
If that little girl would even recognize who I have become
Feb 20
Feb 20, 2026 at 6:20 PM UTC
Help
Please
I can’t breathe
The hands around my throat is getting tighter
Please let go
I'm begging you, let me go
Please stop
Stop
Please
I can't do this anymore
Everything hurts
Let me go
Please help
No
Nobody can help me
I have to do this alone
I have to fight off this on my own
Nobody can help me
I have to do it
I don't even know how to ask for help anymore
I don't know what anybody would even do
Not that I'm deserving of it
Everything hurts
But I have to feel this pain on my own
Without anybody else
Feb 11
Feb 11, 2026 at 10:25 AM UTC
Sometimes when we call
I’ll catch myself just looking at you,
And I get that quiet understanding—
that I’d be lost without you.
all those days
of wandering,
Long walks without a destination,
Not knowing what I meant,
If somebody even cared—
Then i found you.
And something settled
Like finally recognizing my own name
and i realized who I was
I was a lover,
You didn't give me meaning
You help me remember what it was from the start
I was meant to be by your side,
And I was made to love you.
You gave me meaning
When I felt so lost.
And now I have found my purpose
And it is with you
Feb 5
Feb 5, 2026 at 5:36 PM UTC
I had a dream
A dream that you were real
A dream that you were here again
A dream that I had not lost you
Now you're gone
And it's all my fault
Feb 5
Feb 5, 2026 at 11:47 AM UTC
I draw a butterfly on my hand.
I name it after someone I love.
I do not scrub it away.
I let time take it, slowly,
until it’s faded.
For now, I take care of the butterfly.
I must not let it be hurt.
Soon it fades,
and I draw another in its place.
I must not give in,
or the butterfly will die.
Nothing else matters
but keeping it safe.
When the urge returns,
I draw another butterfly.
Then another.
Then another.
But one day, I fail.
The butterfly is gone.
My fault.
I should not have listened.
I should have protected it.
I deserved it.
The butterfly is dead.
So why not listen to the urge?
So I do
I deserve it, don't I?
After I am done, I draw another butterfly.
Feb 4
Feb 4, 2026 at 11:13 AM UTC
Was it worth it?
I listened to you, read your books, and went to church. You told me I was the problem—that my love and I were sin. That there was a demon in me.
You said I wasn’t worthy, but God always has a plan.
You said to listen to you, only then would I be saved.”
I killed myself slowly, painfully, trying to be perfect for you.
You made me lose my love.
Was it worth it?
Now I know who the real demon is, staring back at me.
You killed me inside, now I’m a husk, a shell of who I was.
There’s no going back now. If only I’d known sooner, maybe I could have stopped it.
Maybe she’d still be with me. Maybe I wouldn’t have lost my love,
the one thing keeping me alive.
And I ask again, was it worth it?
Now I’m dead, and my love is lost to me, I never stopped loving her.
I’m in heaven now, where you can’t reach me anymore.
I wasn’t an object, I was a kid.
And all of this is because of you.
Was it worth it to you?
Please,
Tell me it was worth it.
Tell me you didn’t do all this just to amount to nothing.
Please?
Feb 4
Feb 4, 2026 at 11:10 AM UTC
I can't breathe
Please
I can't breathe
Don't touch me
Please don't touch me
I crave your touch yet I am terrified of it.
I can't breathe
Please help
Please stay away
Please come close
Do something
Show me you care
Show me somebody cares
I don't believe you
Nobody cares
and that's fine
I can do it on my own
It's fine
I'm fine
Everything is fine
So I'm going to put on a smile
And walk outside
And show you that everything is fine
Completely
Utterly
Totally
Fine
And you won't worry
Because I hate it when you worry
Even though I know you're still going to
At least you won't worry as much as if you knew the truth
I can't breathe
I'm suffocating
But nobody is going to know
Not until I'm at my very last breath
Feb 4
Feb 4, 2026 at 11:02 AM UTC
Tick tick tick
I hear it every day
Tick tick tick
Like a clock counting down the seconds
Tick tick tick
And again
Tick tick tick
Going back to the same pattern
Tick tick tick
Over and over again
Tick tick tick
Routine is killing me.
Tick tick tick
And I can't escape it
Feb 4
Feb 4, 2026 at 10:59 AM UTC
Why come closer to me?
Haven't you listened to what I've told you?
Don't you know I'm a monster?
The world changed me too much. I was not who I was at the beginning of my story—
Not even mine
The story was never mine
Who wrote me to be like that?
Find the author of my life
Stab a pen through her heart
I am just a woeful character in your story
Simply there to continue the plot
A blot to be scrubbed from your white clothes
I have been fighting for so long to stay in your story
Till my hands and eyes were bleeding
Oh, if only you knew what she put me through
Would you still hold my hand?
My mind is falling through the cracks
I don't want to fight to be in your story anymore
Oh, how ready I am to give up the story
To give this burden into someone else
To another character
Another character to be erased just like me
Oh how I want to surrender to that
To the final lines of my story
To allow this sick author continue with her story
Maybe for a mere moment
I could be someone to love
Could I be enough?
Under the touch of your fingertips?
Why would you stay by my side;
Even if you saw the monster that I am?
Feb 4
Feb 4, 2026 at 10:57 AM UTC