I've read all the books I can
And done all the things I could do
But my mind refuses to forget about you
My sunshine
My sorrow
The sun smiles upon me and I can feel the crisp wind on my face as we walked together hand in hand
I can feel your presence next to mine, warm and inviting
I can feel the happiness that you spread to me
So contagious
There's a million things I would've done differently now
I can see that
But I also wouldn't change a second of it
Because I got to be with you
Jul 7, 2018
Jul 7, 2018 at 12:53 AM UTC
why do you torment me
when I'm feeling the most satisfactory
I'm feeling like i can touch the sky with my hands
that i am creating this rainbow of potential with massive colors floating through the air to match my soul
you show up and shatter everything
the rainbow that I created isn't an actual rainbow
it isn't all the flurries in the sky like i imagined
but it is a picture
a very very fragile picture that you can shatter so easily
all it takes is a glimpse of your face
a note of your voice
your breathe near me
all it takes is a thought of you and my rainbow shatters
it shatters into pieces that become so small that you can never gather all of them
so when i repaint my rainbow in the sky
my massive colors flowing, abounding with potential
there are always pieces missing
and each time you shatter it there are more pieces missing
maybe i need to stop making rainbows
maybe i need to create something else
i need to take all the pieces that i keep having to recollect after every single time you shatter them
the tiny itty bitty pieces that represent who i am and who i want to be
who i was
i must create a new picture
i must create something new and exciting and bold that recaptures who i am
maybe i should make a glittering sea
i should take my pieces and mold them together like mounds of clay
pushing pushing pulling
pushing pushing pulling
molding
creating
an ocean
i want to create an ocean
glittering bright
it will be made so you can see the rushing waters
it is so real that the picture seems to be moving
up, down
the waves so smooth
but when you get closer they become harsher
they become more frantic
more chaotic
but it is a beautiful chaotic
that is who i am
i am beautifully chaotic
i can transform in the blink of an eye
from that nice girl who's a good friend who you can trust completely
into something more
something more than the nice girl
something more than who i was
because i will no longer be the nice girl
i will no longer be deemed as someone who's just a good friend
someone who's just nice just pretty
just there
standing in the background
I will have my own spotlight
that's right
I will become selfish
i will become maniacal
i will become manipulative
but i will do anything it takes to protect my picture
May 3, 2018
May 3, 2018 at 7:07 PM UTC
You never look back
It's the first thing I noticed about you
Your past, your pain, your failures
You never look back
But I always do.
When I walk away, I look back to see if you're watching
You're not
You are focused
You are direct
You are confident in who you are, where you are
You are you
But I am me
Me, who is looking up at you, marveling to see what you will accomplish next
Me, noticing every movement you make, every sound, every hesitation
Me, noticing when your smile isn't real
So I give you mine to use
And it fits you perfectly
You fit into it and my smile becomes yours
And mine is plastic again
The mold I use to create my smiles so I can give them away to those who need them
You, whose movements are fluid as water
You, who is always trying new things
You, who excels
You are an asset to humanity
A unifier
A guide to the light within the darkness
And I watch your work
Mar 3, 2018
Mar 3, 2018 at 6:29 PM UTC
I am afraid of letting go
And losing control
I am afraid of being happy
Of waking up wanting to start the day
Of accepting myself for who I am
Of losing the motivation for my art because I’m no longer so sad and alone
Of losing the bubble I created for writing since I have no one to turn to
no one to talk to
no one to belong to
I am afraid of being
I am afraid of the potential I possess
I don’t mean to sound arrogant or proud
Because I’m not
I am just me
Mikayla
I walk around the halls sheltered and afraid
Afraid of the people I see around me
Every one of these individuals has a hidden talent,
A secret,
A love, A vice,
And what do I have?
Just me.
Mikayla DeAnn.
If I am not walking with a false bravado
Shining plastered smiles to hide my fear
I am invisible
I am shoved
Pushed
Tossed
Turned
Unrecognizable
Mikayla DeAnn Kay
I am afraid of letting go
If I let go, I am letting go of the control I possess,
My only vice
I am letting go of the years of “you’re not good enough”
The years of “you’re not pretty enough”
The years of “you’re not skinny enough”
The years of “you’re not worthy”
The years of “you do not belong”
Mikayla DeAnn
I want to shine
I want to smile
I want to make others happy without losing pieces of myself
I want to be confident in what I like
What I wear
What I desire
I want to feel whole
I want to be seen
I want to become… no
I am
Mikayla
Mar 2, 2018
Mar 2, 2018 at 4:40 PM UTC
I've looked bad but felt good
I've looked good but felt bad
I've looked bad and felt bad
I've looked good and felt good
I've failed so many times I can't count
I've learned so much I can't find individual moments
I have gradually increased
But I am finding myself
I am finding the confidence to strut out of my dorms like I'm walking on the runway
I have found myself so sad my body has become immobile
I am growing stronger
Physically. Mentally. Spiritually.
I am finding God in the most random moments, but when I do it is glorious
I find myself alone too often
I find myself feeling alone too often
I find myself hiding too often
I'm ready to let my potential loose
And become the lion I am meant to be
Mar 1, 2018
Mar 1, 2018 at 9:09 PM UTC
His hands were in my hair one moment and around my neck the next
He is the epitome of complexity
He is the man I love the most in this world
He is...
Our relationship is complicated
He loves me and I know it
When I am sad, he will comfort me
When I cry, he wraps me in his arms and holds me tight, telling me everything is going to be okay
When I succeed, he cheers on the sidelines, his face filled with pride
But I have become accustomed to being a doll
A trophy
When he is not right, he is right anyways
When he is angry, there is always someone else on the receiving end
There is always another to be blamed
Until now, I never knew I could be right
I didn’t know the freedom I could have
I didn’t know that there were guys who could be patient, would let me have an opinion, would let me be me instead of a trophy
I didn't know I was a person
My own entity
Feb 27, 2018
Feb 27, 2018 at 8:10 PM UTC
What am I supposed to do
when you won't let me in?
What am I supposed to do
when you reject me again and again
And again and again and again and again and again
Don't you see, this is what love is?
Love is the tiny micro-kindnesses
Love is waiting at the door, waiting to be let in finally
Love is being afraid of rejection but always going back
Love is being broken, but always having room for you
Don't you see, this is what my love is?
You can call me a stalker at your lowest times
You can spurn me, hate me, despise me
But I won't leave you when you're sad
Because I'm afraid of losing you to yourself
Feb 26, 2018
Feb 26, 2018 at 3:03 AM UTC
I am stained
Stained by the past
Stained by my desires
Stained by my failures
Stained by my broken dreams
Stained by what could have been
Stained by "what if"
The tears that fall down my face are black ink
The trail of tears stain my cheeks
Sharp, painful, visible
Yet I am invisible
No one else can see my stains
My pains
My sins
But I see them everyday, every second
The mirrors curse my visage
I am stained
Feb 20, 2018
Feb 20, 2018 at 7:39 PM UTC
Dear Me from 2013,
It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to stop smiling and being “the good child” or “the perfect student”. Your parents’ problems are not your responsibility, are not your fault, are not your priority, and you cannot fix it. Mostly because it won’t matter, and it won’t change. Take it from me. Your friends are by your side. They do care about how your feeling and will take time to listen to you. You are not a burden. You are not an empty conch shell.
Do not blindly trust. Do not let HIM into your heart, not all the way. He is a serpent disguised as a beam of sunlight. He makes you feel good now, but he will become the only person in the world who understands you, or even sees you. But as soon as he is done with you, he will desert you. You will be alone, with a void in your heart that is still empty even now, a void that causes you to cry late into the night and feel empty in the day. He is NOT WORTH IT.
Please, please, PLEASE eat food. Ask for it, beg for it, but do not listen to your mom. You are 120 lbs but that is not criminal, you’re in high school. Do not go on those protein shake cleanses for weeks to months at a time. You are not fat.
And most importantly, you are beautiful. You are kind, intelligent, courageous, uplifting, way too selfless for your own good, and you love. Just because you are sad, it does not mean you are not these things. Your seemingly negative emotions do not define who you are. Reach out to others and stop pulling yourself inward and away from people, because people can take you out of your fear of yourself. People will make you laugh, will make you smile, will make you forget, even if for a little while.
Remember PINK. Always remember PINK. It is who you are, and through it you will always find your way back to your core.
Me
P.S. Binging Black Butler and Markiplier is completely acceptable, too. Never be ashamed <3
P.P.S. don’t take all those AP classes. Your highest score will be a 3, and you’re going to go to art school anyways.
Feb 18, 2018
Feb 18, 2018 at 3:45 PM UTC
my hearing goes in and out between words and ringing
my sight has become hazy
my hands are shaky
my body cannot stop moving
my brain switches running at a million miles an hour and then nothingness
my sense of touch is going haywire
i am numb
Feb 14, 2018
Feb 14, 2018 at 7:58 PM UTC