Chosen - Hello Poetry

Tick, tick, tick away all the minutes go Waiting on calls Hoping for hellos Sneaking away Running errands, you say Later and later wishing you’d stay Holidays, birthdays, milestones pass by Wishing you were next to me Trying not to cry Head up Shoulders back for there is no one other than you Except for your wife, who isn’t number two

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Dec 29, 2021

Dec 29, 2021 at 4:27 AM UTC

Second

Tick, tick, tick away all the minutes go Waiting on calls Hoping for hellos Sneaking away Running errands, you say Later and later wishing you’d stay Holidays, birthdays, milestones pass by Wishing you were next to me Trying not to cry Head up Shoulders back for there is no one other than you Except for your wife, who isn’t number two

12

Widowed Alone Truly on my own Exhausted Worn down Older Colder Locked behind my door Reflecting Dissecting Longing for my sense of home Ultimately knowing we all die alone Still buried above Now buried below Struggling daily to finally let go Haunting my sleep Taking parts of my soul Leaving only enough to fail short of my goal Hang tight No fight Our ugliness binds my mind Your inflated ability not yet my behind I reach for the quiet The climb elusive and steep Craving sedation to help with my weak Compliant Sub to her Dom Allowing to be strung along Filling my hopes with all the right wrongs I seek out your shame Our familiar the same Still married Complacent Again used as your cane I love and support We connect and transcend You relent I bend Steeped so far within Farewells in cabs Orals in lots Always a place where you could never be caught A well earned tattoo Scarlet Letter of disgrace As I boldly and willingly encroach in her space My pain loves your company Our broken halves make a whole The hole our whole digs buries innocent souls Selfish and absorbed Unresolved and bold We deserve the worst of what society unfolds The branding Expanding The names and the hurts We deserve one another Until we too meet our dirt

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Dec 29, 2021

Dec 29, 2021 at 4:12 AM UTC

Dirt

Widowed Alone Truly on my own Exhausted Worn down Older Colder Locked behind my door Reflecting Dissecting Longing for my sense of home Ultimately knowing we all die alone Still buried above Now buried below Struggling daily to finally let go Haunting my sleep Taking parts of my soul Leaving only enough to fail short of my goal Hang tight No fight Our ugliness binds my mind Your inflated ability not yet my behind I reach for the quiet The climb elusive and steep Craving sedation to help with my weak Compliant Sub to her Dom Allowing to be strung along Filling my hopes with all the right wrongs I seek out your shame Our familiar the same Still married Complacent Again used as your cane I love and support We connect and transcend You relent I bend Steeped so far within Farewells in cabs Orals in lots Always a place where you could never be caught A well earned tattoo Scarlet Letter of disgrace As I boldly and willingly encroach in her space My pain loves your company Our broken halves make a whole The hole our whole digs buries innocent souls Selfish and absorbed Unresolved and bold We deserve the worst of what society unfolds The branding Expanding The names and the hurts We deserve one another Until we too meet our dirt

55

To the woman I am today What would I say to you Would you listen anyway I would say ... To never fear the failures Failures are lessons in disguise Look hard enough for the teachings that are meant to open your eyes I would say ... To give with all your heart What matters, dear self, is choosing to begin Choosing to take your start Find the courage from within I would say ... Breathe in life fully Breathe with confidence Breathe with peace Find your small place in the world To love fully and with ease I would say ... Use your words to elevate others Use your words to be kind Use your words gently with those willing to cross the line I would say ... Your children are watching They soak you in like a sponge Be the best you always Make your children your number one I would say ... Fear no man Fear no woman Fear no judgment of others And fear no pain For these evils are all around you And often call themselves lovers I would say ... Fear only the All Mighty For our souls he died Blessedly giving us a fresh start Always beside us when we cry I would say ... Be kind to yourself, dear older me Lead life by the example God meant you to be I would say ... Believe truly in yourself And trust that feeling with all your heart Commit your soul to God And He will never let you fall apart

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Dec 29, 2021

Dec 29, 2021 at 4:12 AM UTC

Dear Me,

To the woman I am today What would I say to you Would you listen anyway I would say ... To never fear the failures Failures are lessons in disguise Look hard enough for the teachings that are meant to open your eyes I would say ... To give with all your heart What matters, dear self, is choosing to begin Choosing to take your start Find the courage from within I would say ... Breathe in life fully Breathe with confidence Breathe with peace Find your small place in the world To love fully and with ease I would say ... Use your words to elevate others Use your words to be kind Use your words gently with those willing to cross the line I would say ... Your children are watching They soak you in like a sponge Be the best you always Make your children your number one I would say ... Fear no man Fear no woman Fear no judgment of others And fear no pain For these evils are all around you And often call themselves lovers I would say ... Fear only the All Mighty For our souls he died Blessedly giving us a fresh start Always beside us when we cry I would say ... Be kind to yourself, dear older me Lead life by the example God meant you to be I would say ... Believe truly in yourself And trust that feeling with all your heart Commit your soul to God And He will never let you fall apart

47

Line by line Hook by hook Every cast you threw out I fell for the look Yet you’re still tethered and netted to the fake appearance of “all” You would call me to cry But really, you only called me to stall Red lips High heels Paramour lingerie I did all the hot things your wife could never dare say I believed you would leave her We planned and you chattered If I listened much closer I would have heard ... “you truly don’t matter” On my own once again Steeped in deep sadness and despair Gasping and gasping I keep gasping for air

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Nov 22, 2021

Nov 22, 2021 at 12:27 AM UTC

Paramour

Line by line Hook by hook Every cast you threw out I fell for the look Yet you’re still tethered and netted to the fake appearance of “all” You would call me to cry But really, you only called me to stall Red lips High heels Paramour lingerie I did all the hot things your wife could never dare say I believed you would leave her We planned and you chattered If I listened much closer I would have heard ... “you truly don’t matter” On my own once again Steeped in deep sadness and despair Gasping and gasping I keep gasping for air

18

Tormented love is a ****** muse.

0

Nov 21, 2021

Nov 21, 2021 at 2:17 PM UTC

Muse

Tormented love is a ****** muse.

1

push and pull old and new his abuse almost killed me but it brought me to you unyielding demands served to kept me in line to kept me afraid consumed precious time quietly together we buried our past unwillingly yet willingly we completed our tasks shoulder to shoulder in front and behind we leaned on each other as we walked the same line now free and wide open gently cradling my neck slowly entering within me deliberate wet your beautiful eyes so gentle so kind you heal me through trust the trust that endures all of time as we slide and we slide slowly deep deep inside I relent in these moments with nowhere to hide the walls I held high kept him out for so long just seconds in our space all those walls were now gone exposed and afraid I cover my eyes gently cradling my neck you are quiet you are kind inside me beside me the dearest friend, I adore my lover my partner my forevermore

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Sep 24, 2021

Sep 24, 2021 at 11:58 PM UTC

Cradle

push and pull old and new his abuse almost killed me but it brought me to you unyielding demands served to kept me in line to kept me afraid consumed precious time quietly together we buried our past unwillingly yet willingly we completed our tasks shoulder to shoulder in front and behind we leaned on each other as we walked the same line now free and wide open gently cradling my neck slowly entering within me deliberate wet your beautiful eyes so gentle so kind you heal me through trust the trust that endures all of time as we slide and we slide slowly deep deep inside I relent in these moments with nowhere to hide the walls I held high kept him out for so long just seconds in our space all those walls were now gone exposed and afraid I cover my eyes gently cradling my neck you are quiet you are kind inside me beside me the dearest friend, I adore my lover my partner my forevermore

40

the fork in your tongue is old not young forged in venom and not by sun not of this plain pleasured by pain pleasured by blood caused by your stain you slither and slide seethe and hide propped up by your maker's nonsensical pride hatred injected by you in our sons following her footsteps of all that's become your cancer will **** you it's certain it's true your demise is cemented by the evil in you have you asked for forgiveness no, never not once I hope in your end you face God’s vengeful punch

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Mar 22, 2021

Mar 22, 2021 at 2:58 AM UTC

Forked Tongue

the fork in your tongue is old not young forged in venom and not by sun not of this plain pleasured by pain pleasured by blood caused by your stain you slither and slide seethe and hide propped up by your maker's nonsensical pride hatred injected by you in our sons following her footsteps of all that's become your cancer will **** you it's certain it's true your demise is cemented by the evil in you have you asked for forgiveness no, never not once I hope in your end you face God’s vengeful punch

23

Dishes piled high, but higher still is the laundry that sits just where it will I cannot fathom the thought of leaving my bed I cannot fathom moving until I am dead “She’s crazy” he says to my children each day She could if she wants … Will her depression away **** You!!!!” I scream inside the top of my head Wishing and hoping he would finally drop dead His cancer has taken over all our lives His “excuse to excuse” the abuse he would hide You can hide it no longer It’s not in my head You want to label me crazy and have me strapped to a bed It’s not me he argues to all who will hear It’s not me, “she’s crazy” Yet he beats me still Your pills are not working Your therapy is moot Check yourself into Cuckoo Land Try and stay in the loop I’ll strip all of you down Crazy piece after piece Until you have nothing Left to cry on your knees “I’m not crazy!!!”, I scream But you won’t go away You’re put here to torture me to the end of my days Your cancer is slow and my heart cannot beat I’d rather be dead then to become your repeat Ours sons sound like you Their words trigger me too I can’t will them away Like I still will away you You demon You dark one You false ******* Jew Place that gun in my hand Then walk away too The gun is so heavy So cold Yet so light The chamber at my face Eyes closed with deep spite Your triggers are what I’ve lived with so long the most hurtful emotions the most painful of wrongs Is this steel the last I must finally endure? It fits my hand perfectly Yes I am finally sure

0

Mar 22, 2021

Mar 22, 2021 at 2:56 AM UTC

Triggers

Dishes piled high, but higher still is the laundry that sits just where it will I cannot fathom the thought of leaving my bed I cannot fathom moving until I am dead “She’s crazy” he says to my children each day She could if she wants … Will her depression away **** You!!!!” I scream inside the top of my head Wishing and hoping he would finally drop dead His cancer has taken over all our lives His “excuse to excuse” the abuse he would hide You can hide it no longer It’s not in my head You want to label me crazy and have me strapped to a bed It’s not me he argues to all who will hear It’s not me, “she’s crazy” Yet he beats me still Your pills are not working Your therapy is moot Check yourself into Cuckoo Land Try and stay in the loop I’ll strip all of you down Crazy piece after piece Until you have nothing Left to cry on your knees “I’m not crazy!!!”, I scream But you won’t go away You’re put here to torture me to the end of my days Your cancer is slow and my heart cannot beat I’d rather be dead then to become your repeat Ours sons sound like you Their words trigger me too I can’t will them away Like I still will away you You demon You dark one You false ******* Jew Place that gun in my hand Then walk away too The gun is so heavy So cold Yet so light The chamber at my face Eyes closed with deep spite Your triggers are what I’ve lived with so long the most hurtful emotions the most painful of wrongs Is this steel the last I must finally endure? It fits my hand perfectly Yes I am finally sure

51

Try harder, so I do Still reaching for the fix My mind cannot bear another year of six It’s in his hands so what will I do He yells and yells louder I’m waiting I’m waiting I’m waiting on you Fix this and do that Can you ever just, STOP! Hours, minutes, seconds on your clock The label of duty of a wife on Shabbat Your intent was evil and always with plot Spread your legs! Shut your mouth! Let my birthright inside you Alone in my mind But I had to abide you I cried ‘till you finished Left burned and diminished Curled up Dead inside with nothing left to give Yet you demanded more if I wanted to live These unspoken vows How could I have known I wasn’t a Jew How could I be ****** You are nothing without me I will take as I please Your screams are useless as I enter with ease My distain was certain and I fought to withhold I could not bear your touch and prayed to die cold Your punishment loomed always You made me guess “when” I hid in our closets pulling my soul further in You were never worthy to be at my feet You serve as my slave and you are now mine to keep As I grew out my armor I hoped it could repel Your disgusting hands You inadequate male For your spirit was cold It was mean It was old You were born self-entitled Adorned self-proclaimed gold Even cancer can’t change you Not even a bit Still abusive as ever Still living to spit Your host is so evil The most rotten apple from her tree I wish her the deepest of pains for creating the abuser you'd be The sounds of her mouth All the stink of her too Inappropriate Loud A pick-and-choose Jew You’re chosen you say So, what, you don’t need to abide By the laws of, The Book Alas, The Book, has two sides You choose what you want and ignore all the rest Your go to MO You've both mastered it best Still dutifully married Our life torn apart wide Clenching me tightly Prancing around with your pride But as I grow older, I begin to whither and fade I still deal with my devil to whom I’m enslaved When will he go? I’ve asked and begged why I’ll ask for forgiveness when I can no longer cry Now finally I stand over you Lifeless and cold Your soul still infested with hatred and mold My last mitzvah of dirt I’ll gladly shovel with ease To finally breath that longed moment of peace Peace from your self-hatred Jealous of me ever more I sigh the deepest of breaths as dirt covers your door Cry one last time Impossible, for I have no more tears You stole them from me when you ***** me for years

0

Mar 22, 2021

Mar 22, 2021 at 2:53 AM UTC

Heavy

Try harder, so I do Still reaching for the fix My mind cannot bear another year of six It’s in his hands so what will I do He yells and yells louder I’m waiting I’m waiting I’m waiting on you Fix this and do that Can you ever just, STOP! Hours, minutes, seconds on your clock The label of duty of a wife on Shabbat Your intent was evil and always with plot Spread your legs! Shut your mouth! Let my birthright inside you Alone in my mind But I had to abide you I cried ‘till you finished Left burned and diminished Curled up Dead inside with nothing left to give Yet you demanded more if I wanted to live These unspoken vows How could I have known I wasn’t a Jew How could I be ****** You are nothing without me I will take as I please Your screams are useless as I enter with ease My distain was certain and I fought to withhold I could not bear your touch and prayed to die cold Your punishment loomed always You made me guess “when” I hid in our closets pulling my soul further in You were never worthy to be at my feet You serve as my slave and you are now mine to keep As I grew out my armor I hoped it could repel Your disgusting hands You inadequate male For your spirit was cold It was mean It was old You were born self-entitled Adorned self-proclaimed gold Even cancer can’t change you Not even a bit Still abusive as ever Still living to spit Your host is so evil The most rotten apple from her tree I wish her the deepest of pains for creating the abuser you'd be The sounds of her mouth All the stink of her too Inappropriate Loud A pick-and-choose Jew You’re chosen you say So, what, you don’t need to abide By the laws of, The Book Alas, The Book, has two sides You choose what you want and ignore all the rest Your go to MO You've both mastered it best Still dutifully married Our life torn apart wide Clenching me tightly Prancing around with your pride But as I grow older, I begin to whither and fade I still deal with my devil to whom I’m enslaved When will he go? I’ve asked and begged why I’ll ask for forgiveness when I can no longer cry Now finally I stand over you Lifeless and cold Your soul still infested with hatred and mold My last mitzvah of dirt I’ll gladly shovel with ease To finally breath that longed moment of peace Peace from your self-hatred Jealous of me ever more I sigh the deepest of breaths as dirt covers your door Cry one last time Impossible, for I have no more tears You stole them from me when you ***** me for years

86

Be seen and not heard for your voice does not matter Get back to your chores and stop all the chatter My list was so long My job was unjust Berating a child was never a must The silence was thick It covered the walls Affection was absent I reached for my dolls Pretend I would play for a happier home A mommy and daddy who never left me alone Latch key was badge I wore often with pride Pleasing became normal, but killed me inside You left me on Christmas How could I have known That all these years later, you would never come home By the window I’d look I grieved and I cried I call on the Army to find a way back inside Was the look worth the fight, for it didn’t seem so I asked you to stay, but you wanted to go Ran away from us all Fine But you forgot about me You left me to fight You left me no key Now back in our lives A better grandfather you are Seeing your kindness healed a few of my scars Daddy’s girl I remain Loving you evermore I only wish to forget When you walk out our door

0

Feb 23, 2021

Feb 23, 2021 at 11:40 AM UTC

Voiceless

Be seen and not heard for your voice does not matter Get back to your chores and stop all the chatter My list was so long My job was unjust Berating a child was never a must The silence was thick It covered the walls Affection was absent I reached for my dolls Pretend I would play for a happier home A mommy and daddy who never left me alone Latch key was badge I wore often with pride Pleasing became normal, but killed me inside You left me on Christmas How could I have known That all these years later, you would never come home By the window I’d look I grieved and I cried I call on the Army to find a way back inside Was the look worth the fight, for it didn’t seem so I asked you to stay, but you wanted to go Ran away from us all Fine But you forgot about me You left me to fight You left me no key Now back in our lives A better grandfather you are Seeing your kindness healed a few of my scars Daddy’s girl I remain Loving you evermore I only wish to forget When you walk out our door

33