Created in the ******
Of an depressive alcoholic.
Barren of capability.
Devoid of the natural
Mother's instinct.
To protect and nuture
To love me greater then herself,
Or atleast enough to protect me.
I grew up ashamed of where I came from.
Who I came from.
Humiliated by the smell
Of wafting cigarette smoke.
Dozens of beer cans piled in the corner.
Only adding the smell of
Days old stale beer to the air.
Demoralized by the sight of
Dozens of cigarette burns in the carpet.
Proof of just how close to
A deadly close call I was my whole life.
Conflicted by my self destructive anger,
And the love I still had for her.
The drive to protect her,
From herself as much as others.
And the shame in myself,
For loving her at all.
Raised by a mother who more times then not,
Destroyed my self esteem,
And guilted me into the corner.
Shrinking me into a nobody,
A nothing so meek,
I wished with all my strength I didn't exist.
Tortured myself,
Just so she wasn't the only one hurting me.
The only one with power.
And even still,
Nearly 30 years later.
Her inability to love me,
Or mother me hasn't changed the fact that,
I love her,
But have never liked her at all.
May 9, 2021
May 9, 2021 at 9:20 AM UTC
To many times
I’ve left work with ***** soaked shoes,
And a beaten morale.
Having spent 12 hours fighting for patients
Who only wanted to fight with me.
Taking 12 hours of mental degradation,
From families and patients about things
Far out of my control.
Apologizing for all the worlds wrong doings,
and Taking the heat for things the patient perceives everyone has done wrong.
Ensuring my patient that my college degree,
Is more reliable than the google search their niece did.
But still relaying the information to the physician so my patient feels heard.
Too often,
I’ve left work wondering why I even bother.
Having forgotten in those 12 long hours
Why I wanted to be nurse In the first place.
Why anyone would.
To infrequent,
Are the “Thank yous” or the “I appreciate its”
Even the “I know you’re doing your best” no longer exist.
Like once inside the walls of the hospital
Human decency has been forgotten,
Or is perceived to be unnecessary.
Patients have forgotten healthcare is
People caring for people.
We are not robots
Everything takes time and we can only move as fast
As the parts in front of us.
When you swear at us,
Kick, spit, hit, yell, an degrade us
We feel those things.
It’s so sad to say we are used to those things.
But,
They drain us just a little more each time.
Leaving us to wonder,
“Why am I doing this to myself?”
Apr 21, 2021
Apr 21, 2021 at 10:18 AM UTC
The children died first.
One after the other.
A nation so full of
Laughter and joy turned
To rubble and ash.
Where there once was
Happiness and the sound
Of memories being made.
There now lies an
Abyss of empty space.
That echos off the
Darkness that surrounds us.
Feb 19, 2021
Feb 19, 2021 at 10:01 PM UTC
It wasn't until I turned around,
And truly looked.
Did I realize how far I'd come.
When I looked back,
And was able to see every footprint,
Uphill battle,
Failing lose and triumphant win.
And every mile I'd traveled
Was I able to truly appreciate,
The woman I had become.
Really marvel at,
The woman I had fought to be.
Remembering every wrong turn,
Back track,
And devastating loss.
Tracing every miss step,
Right step,
And every step in between.
Until I laid my life out in front of me
Like a novel I was finally ready to read,
Did I realize the incirmountable excuses
I could have used to remain stationary.
To never take a single step,
In either direction.
My life was set up to fail,
With countless obstacles,
And unmeasurable devastation,
That it wouldn't have been a surprise to anyone,
Had I curled up in a ball and given up.
And yet,
Here I stand looking back at the hands I was dealt,
The good, the bad, and the horrible.
Knowing that no matter the circumstance,
I stood up to the challenge.
I fought hard.
Following in the words of Nightingale;
"I never took nor gave any excuses."
And I've got the miles of deep rooted foot prints behind me,
To prove just that.
Feb 19, 2021
Feb 19, 2021 at 9:39 PM UTC
I have felt exquisite wonder
And I have felt devastating lose.
I have been wrapped in the softest love.
And cut by the sharpest regret.
My life has been a lifetime movie gone wrong.
But also a Hallmark movie gone so right.
My skin has been blistered by abuse,
And it has been soothed by honeyed lips.
I have been overwhelmed with heartache,
But I've been overwhelmed with elation too.
I spent long periods of my adolescents and early 20s
Retreating to the dark,
Hopeless,
Desperate to disappear.
Believing I was Noone
Convinced I'd never be anyone.
I have been so beaten by despair,
Left battered, and bruised.
Untethered from my life,
Shrouded in worthlessness.
And I have felt so elevated with purpose,
Lifted battered and bruised back onto my feet.
With resolve so strong
I've felt it in my bones.
Illuminated with determination.
Every time I swore I couldn't get up again,
I did.
Every time I feared this was the one that did me in,
It wasn't.
Every dark corner I never thought I'd find my way out of,
I found my way to the light.
Everything meant to destroy me,
Also created me.
Each destruction a platform for my rebirth.
A place to rise from the ashes.
A stepping stone that said:
"I've been here. It's time to move on."
My life has been a constant Flux between
Horrendous and wonderous.
On a pendulum gage swinging back and forth.
And in the end,
I'm thankful for all I've learned from it,
And the strength I've achieved because of it.
Feb 19, 2021
Feb 19, 2021 at 9:30 PM UTC
I found love not when
I searched high and low for it.
I didn't find it when I begged or pleaded.
Love didn't come when I forced it,
Tried to squeeze it into a box it wasn't meant for.
Love found me when I wasn't looking.
When love was the last thing on my mind.
Amongst the rubble of my grief,
Love wrapped its arms around me.
Surrounding me in a peace,
I had been searching for,
For years.
I didn't find love behind doors,
I pried off the hinges.
I didn't aquire it from hearts,
I begged to love me.
Love didn't follow me around,
Hoping that I'd turn the right corner
And just find it.
Love found me with my head in my hands,
On my knees begging for peace.
It found me raw,
Just asking for a second to breath.
Love found me,
When I needed it,
Not when I wanted it,
Only when I was ready for it.
Unrequited love is not real.
Those times,
When you search for love in the wrong places.
From the wrong people.
Behind doors that don't want to open,
But you pry off the hinges.
The love in those places, is
That thing we call unrequited love.
When really,
That love was really never meant for you.
Feb 19, 2021
Feb 19, 2021 at 9:28 PM UTC
Nurses are sitting on the edge of a cliff
Not able to move.
Unable to take any steps forward,
Or back.
Strapped to the side,
Suspended over the precipice of,
What must get done, what must be left behind.
Just trying to catch all of the pieces,
That get thrown off the edge.
Of an overflowing healthcare system.
Filled to the breaking point,
With the sick and dying.
Burdened by chronic and acute illnesses.
Plaged by a pandemic that stretches
The walls and foundation of an already
Crushing patient load.
And we're struggle to make it work.
Grasping at any available leverage,
To keep our patients safe.
Our brains running on overdrive,
Nearly as fast as our feet are.
We're struggling to hold up our patients,
To keep everything from falling over the edge.
Strung together side by side,
An "invincible" wall,
That's is slowly crumbling.
As we get sick,
Burdened by our duty to be everything,
And yet never fully anything.
And as one falls,
We pick up the burden left in their wake.
Grab the hand of our fellow nurse
To keep the wall up for our patients.
Hoping and prayer there is an end.
That there is help coming,
Before our invincibility fails,
Crushed by a system to heavy to manage.
And we are all left shattered.
Feb 19, 2021
Feb 19, 2021 at 9:27 PM UTC
My mind's like a fishing net.
Capturing big important details.
But,
Letting the smaller day to day tasks
Slip between the holes in the cloth.
Some days,
The bad days I get angry.
I beat myself up,
And lose self confidence
And self assurance.
I lose the drive to be myself.
On other days.
The good days.
I laugh it off.
Forgive myself for my inadequacies.
And remember that I am only human.
All I can do is work to do better.
Improving my mind.
Adjusting my techniques to remember more.
To go from fishing net to,
Fish tank netting.
So fewer and fewer details fit between the holes.
But on all days,
Whether good or bad.
I try to remember,
Atleast at this point,
I have always remembered to put on my pants before leaving the house.
Nov 14, 2020
Nov 14, 2020 at 11:42 AM UTC
I grew up the daughter whose mother
Didn't want her.
The daughter of an alcoholic.
A melancholy teenager.
Whose mother told her daily,
Just how useless she was.
How much better she should be.
I grew up the daughter of the angry town drunk.
Whose words were like knives,
Directed at my jugular.
I grew up with the towns expectation,
I'd never go anywhere.
Doomed to follow in the haphazard footsteps of my mother.
I was raised to love the woman who told me,
I wasn't worth a ****
I grew up taking care of the woman who never wanted me.
Putting out lit cigarettes that had fallen from her
Passed out fingers.
I grew up the daughter of a mother,
who never should have had children.
On more nights then not the target for her drunken rage.
I grew up the daughter of a woman who hated herself so much,
She made sure I hated myself too.
I grew up the daughter of a pitiful woman,
Who despite it all I still love.
I grew up in a life so damaged so early on and for so long,
I never thought I'd make it out alive.
But,
I grew up,
To be nothing like the woman who made me.
Oct 12, 2020
Oct 12, 2020 at 10:41 PM UTC
You can't hate yourself into loving yourself.
But I sure give it a solid try.
Trying desperately,
To hate my body into submission.
To torture it into compliance.
Years, months,
A lifetime
Of attempting to hate,
My body, my mind,
Myself.
Into a box I feel it should fit.
Tormenting myself when once again,
The unrealistic box
I try to shove myself in,
Doesn't fit.
You can't hate yourself into loving yourself.
But I'm proof,
You can give a valliant effort.
Oct 12, 2020
Oct 12, 2020 at 10:41 PM UTC