We were in magic when our hands grazed,
Our finger interlocked as the carousel turned, and so did my heart.
I felt it.
I felt the shift in my feelings and the butterflies in my stomach.
But when they saw, you let go.
And you kept letting go.
You want to hide me and I wanted to find you.
One day you wanted me.
The next day you didn't.
My start was your end.
There was no mistletoe to be found.
My sweet boy went silent.
Oct 25, 2019
Oct 25, 2019 at 8:19 AM UTC
I was too ****** up to not push you away.
And I still am.
And I hurt you by being selfish and letting myself want you.
Because I do want you.
And somehow you have stuck around even though you’re with her.
I didn’t realize you’d stick around.
I’m so sorry.
I’m sorry I can’t give you what you need.
But they took what you need long ago.
But.
In a different world I could have been yours.
Oct 21, 2019
Oct 21, 2019 at 12:56 AM UTC
I missed me and I’m drowning
But I need to spit out the ocean
So I’m here.
Oct 18, 2019
Oct 18, 2019 at 12:14 PM UTC
Make my head stop spinning.
Make my heart stop aching.
Make it stop.
Feb 27, 2019
Feb 27, 2019 at 1:16 PM UTC
Not enough to say it.
Not enough to feel it.
Not enough to numb it.
Not enough.
Period.
Feb 18, 2019
Feb 18, 2019 at 5:18 PM UTC
My skin remained untarnished for 81 days.
But last night, it became too much.
5 cuts on my wrist;
One for every year I let you abuse me
Jan 31, 2019
Jan 31, 2019 at 8:54 PM UTC
I wish I didn’t have to get better.
I wish I didn’t have anything to get better from.
I wish I could want it all to end.
But I don’t.
I love and I feel and I scream and I sob,
And deep down I want all of that.
But right now it hurts so bad.
The deep dark sad has enveloped me like gasoline,
And I’m going to ******* burn everything that dares to get too close.
Jan 29, 2019
Jan 29, 2019 at 8:47 AM UTC
In the midst of our passion,
I tried to make you show your hand.
You were losing your poker face,
I thought your inhibitions were gone.
But when I said “tell me what you want”
You replied “for you to be happy and healthy”.
And that shattered the dam.
The wall that held back the sea splintered.
And I let you see me drown in my pain.
I told you how letting you gorge on me
Made me the kind of sad I could control.
It was a shallow kind of sad, one that could be fixed with scotch tape.
I ripped the adhesive off of the shallow sad
When the deep dark sad became too much.
I told you how letting you gorge on me
Made me feel useful, even if it validated everything he told me.
I don’t care that my body is nothing more than something to be ******
At least I’m doing my friend a favor.
So even if I can’t be happy and healthy right now,
And even if you know that,
At least we can see each other for what we are
As I let you feed his desires for me,
And you let me feed my desire for pain.
Jan 19, 2019
Jan 19, 2019 at 10:38 PM UTC
I have been feeling too much
So I can’t feel anything at all.
I’ve been so full,
But the pain became invisible.
I know it is there, but I can’t see it.
Sometimes I have to remind myself
That the reason I’m feeling light headed
Is because I haven’t taken a breath in almost 2 minutes.
Jan 19, 2019
Jan 19, 2019 at 10:12 PM UTC