The words left about 4 years ago.
Since then, some poems
a few unfinished outlines
half a song
A screenplay that took five years to
dispassionatey finish out of obligation.
And that's about it.
Nothing serious.
Nothing of particular merit.
All of it solipsistic.
Now I just grow roses.
How brief the era was when I created
When I created most every day.
When I created more than I consumed.
When I created at the expense of everything else.
When I created enough to call myself a writer.
It used to be that I would have died, readily,
if only to see my name on a shelf or a screen.
I would have died for it, I was willing.
For the success, for the acknowledgement.
For the audience, for the fame.
I would have done it all, done anything.
Anything.
If only to be good enough,
If only to have made it.
If only to have been important.
If only for a moment.
Now I just grow roses.
The words left a few years ago
and I've not even the words to wonder
how I lost them,
or where they might have gone off to.
Insincerely, I tell myself it's the brain fog.
Or the economic downturn.
Or the focus on healing my body
after a lifetime of disrepair.
Or the focus on healing my soul
after the back to back to back heartbreaks
and failures and humiliations.
But mostly I just grow roses.
I was not robbed of hope.
It did not die with a scream.
One day I awoke to realized it was gone,
and had been for quite some time.
I love without loving.
I think without thoughts.
I cry sometimes to myself and myself alone.
My daydreams remain ephemeral.
But on most days I remain mostly unbothered
by these losses
and all the others.
Now I grow roses.
May 24, 2025
May 24, 2025 at 5:10 AM UTC
you said you never smiled that much
but I know that much isn't true.
you used to be a happy person
I've got the pictures on my wall.
they tell a story of somebody
that I thought I used to know.
When I see you now I can't tell
if it's you or just a ghost.
and do you see me at all?
Mar 1, 2025
Mar 1, 2025 at 6:21 PM UTC
She said
the closest thing to joy that
she’s capable of feeling is
a fleeting acknowledgment that
things could be worse.
But in truth she used different words.
I said
that she of all people
deserved every ounce of joy
this world has to offer.
But in truth I said nothing.
Apr 19, 2024
Apr 19, 2024 at 2:32 PM UTC
At the post office
Waiting in line
A woman walks in
goes to the corner
Sets her trash bag down
and mumbles to herself for a while
As she leaves she opens
The door
And says ‘it’s okay sweetie, come on
come on now baby
let’s go’
And I can’t tell if she’s talking to an
invisible dog
or
an invisible child
I become aware of a profound, atavistic
sadness lingering in the air
that I can somehow sense
but cannot feel.
I drop off my package
And quietly resolve to not spend
too much time
trying to figure out why
all of this is
Feb 10, 2024
Feb 10, 2024 at 12:45 PM UTC
*** shoulder
*** leg
*** wrist
*** head
Torn knees
Broke teeth
Weak hips
Slipped discs
Limp forever
Ankle pain
Cry forever
Melts your brain
Slip and fall
Snap in half
Out of socket
Dirt bike crash
Barely living
Stuck in bed
Unforgiving
Filled with dread
*** shoulder
*** leg
*** life
*** dead
Jan 13, 2024
Jan 13, 2024 at 6:48 AM UTC
you will learn to shift your weight around
You will learn to lean against things
To always clutch handrails
You will learn to rate things from one to ten ten being the worst you’ve ever felt
You will learn loss
You will lose functionality
You will lose what you used to love doing
You will learn not to partake in barbecue games, bowling nights
You will learn to politely decline invitations
You will lose friends
Hobbies
Muscle memory
You will learn to accept it
You will learn that it is unacceptable
You will lose sympathy for others
You will lose track of things
You will learn that there is always something more to lose
You will learn to hold just a few things sacred
to cling only to that which you cannot lose
You will learn that those things too can be lost
You will learn to hate god
You will learn how unobservant most people are
You will learn not to disclose
You will learn what not to say to avoid their suggestions and advice
You will learn to be alone
You will learn the difference between NSAIDs and acetaminophen
between hydro and oxy
the difference between SSI and SSDI
between deductibles and out of pocket maximums
You will learn to cry in hospital parking garages
You will learn the limits of modern medicine for the working and middle classes
You will learn to lower your expectations
You will learn the definition of the word palliative
You will learn to live with it
You will learn to smile for pictures
You will learn to claim a seat early
You will learn to summarize
You will learn good days and bad days
You will learn sorry I know this is last minute but I have to cancel
You will learn to love deeply
You will learn to apologize profusely
You will learn how successful other people will become
You will learn what it means to be a body
You will learn so much
You will learn so so much
Dec 1, 2023
Dec 1, 2023 at 5:04 AM UTC
I think I bought
a bad
elf bar
It
has
a strange mouth feel
and tastes exactly
like
And I mean exactly
like
shaving cream
Aug 18, 2023
Aug 18, 2023 at 10:41 PM UTC
You do to me what winter does to garden geraniums.
Frost does not exist on purpose.
It does not intend to puncture cell walls.
It just does. It just is.
As do I. As are you.
You do to me what oxycontin does to the heart.
Oh, my zenith of euphoria, the absence of your pleasure
haunts me until nothing remains to be haunted.
You caress me raw with your fingertips.
Your warmth burns hot as ice on my soul.
You do to me what chefs do to onions.
What farmland does to streams.
What sunshine does to skin.
What wealth does to man.
What maggots do to rotting wounds.
What pictures do to moments.
You do to me what rats in glue traps do to themselves.
May 31, 2023
May 31, 2023 at 9:03 PM UTC
I wish you could have my body for a day
I wish you could borrow my brain
I don’t think that
you
Would think of me the same
if you could know my Pain
I wish you could have my
Dreams for one night
I wish you could know what
Night Terrors truly a felt like
The only reason that I’m still alive
Is because you’d be so *******
Sad
if I died.
The o my eeason
Apr 21, 2023
Apr 21, 2023 at 12:36 AM UTC
She had no mirrors in her house when I met her so
Ourselves we never could see.
But I knew that I loved her.
And she knew that she loved me.
Jan 25, 2023
Jan 25, 2023 at 8:31 PM UTC