I feel as though I cannot talk about my loss
It feels so taboo
But how am I supposed to spend this Christmas missing you
You wouldn’t be here yet but it feels your already forgotten
I still have nightmares about the day I found out I lost you
Sometimes I sit there minding my business and I feel the pain in my chest
I still have a habit of putting my hands on my tummy to let you know I’m still here
I yearn to continue to protect
I punish myself every day telling myself that it’s somehow my fault you died
Despite doing everything in my power
My body failed me and it lied
You were dead for weeks while i celebrated and was impatient
Watching my false bump grow
For the day id see you big on that screen with your daddy adjacent
Instead I’ve lost you both because the loss turned me into a monster
The grief turned me into someone I don’t even recognise and the mummy you know; I’ve lost her
All I wanted was to be a mother and a wife and it feels like it’ll never happen
The greif came along and killed her like an assassin
I want to find myself again, so daddy can someday love me once more
But my soul since I lost you both has been left so torn
I wish I had died that day I had to say goodbye
So I didn’t have to live this life without you both by my side
I never wanted it to end up like this and I wish I didn’t let me break my spirit
But now all I want is to join you up there with a visit
I miss a face I have never seen and a smile that will never beam
And a child I will only ever get to hold in my heart
I hope I make you proud and I’m sorry I lost your daddy
And I hope that while mummy cannot be there with you to keep you safe
That you are truly happy
I miss you my angel, more than you’ll ever know
While I’m not a religious person I look for you in the sky
I promise I’ll do my best to continue to grow
Until someday I get to call your special spot in heaven my home
I will never stop continuing to fight for me and your father to work out
So we can give you a sibling that can have a piece of you with them
And we can someday talk about you and shout
Until then I hold you in my memories
And keep you in my heart
And soon we will no longer be apart
Dec 11, 2024
Dec 11, 2024 at 2:49 PM UTC
I was raised
Surrounded by shouting
Fights and arguments
I was traumatised countless times
And i either can’t stop feeling
Or I desperately try to feel something
Never an inbetween
Just dragged from one side to the other
In the blink of an eye
Feeling everything to the extreme
Even my numbness
I can’t trust anyone
No matter how hard I try
I’ll always feel unloved
Because from a young age
I never knew what love was
I never experienced what everyone else did
I wouldn’t know a healthy family dynamic
If it slapped me in the face
The emotional abuse
All the pain I was made to feel
The nights staying awake
Sobbing
Too scared they’ll hear me and give me something to cry about
And now being an adult
Still under their roof
19 years later and still analysing the footsteps coming up the stairs
Scared to be a second late
Or to speak in the wrong tone
Because I knew what would happen
Eternally fearing I’ll upset someone
Pretending to sleep
Faking having work so I have an excuse to leave the house and escape the torment
I just want to leave
I want to be a proper adult and leave this hell
And find that peace I always dreamed of
Nov 6, 2023
Nov 6, 2023 at 9:08 PM UTC
to my lover
I fear I am drowning
And dragging you with me
Every time I feel as though i reach the surface
it’s as if I get but a gasp of breath
Before something drags me back down
But every time I slowly loose my sense of direction
I reach for ur ankles for solace
And drag you with me
As my lungs fill I don’t think how this may be affecting you
That you’re also struggling to breathe down here with me
I know sometimes we don’t go so deep
And we can see the light shimmering off the blue of the water
But I struggle to appreciate the beauty
When I’m down under
Fighting to survive
I’m not perfect and never will be
But I will spend every moment of my life trying not to pull you down
While I’m still learning to swim
The storms will soon past
And someday I won’t sink so low
But until then
Please don’t drown with me
My lover
Nov 6, 2023
Nov 6, 2023 at 8:35 PM UTC
One thing I’ve struggled with since I was young
Is the ability to hold my own tongue
Always struggled to keep my thoughts inside my head
The difficulties to feel beautiful in someone’s bed
When the mirror is giving me a distorted view
And my skin becomes a whiter hue
I realise I’m spiralling again
And it gives me a migraine
There were times I could control my emotions
And others I have cried an ocean
But with growing up in a world you don’t feel a part of
You struggle to handle the notion of self love
When your worst nightmare is no longer if you’re a winner
But instead a hall full of mirrors
You know something is wrong
And you never found a way to call your body home
You convinced yourself that you’re good enough
But those thoughts will always be more tough
You put up your walls so often
You’re going to end up in a coffin
Aug 3, 2023
Aug 3, 2023 at 7:35 AM UTC
The smell of a cigarette will always bring me comfort
And soon enough
That taste that entered my lips
Bought me comfort too
The melancholy feeling of inhaling that smoke
Exhaling it slowly
As if it’s an unhealthy breathing technique I need when I’m panicking
Breathe in, Breathe out
The sadistic flavour lingers in your mouth for hours
Reminding you of your relapse
Your mistakes
Reminding you that he will no longer love you if he smells the cancerous aroma on your breath
You ******* up
No matter how much it helps to inhale and exhale that smoke
Taste that bitter flavour of tobacco
Breathe in, Breathe out
You quit once before to improve your health
But here you are
Breathing it in and out
Until the guilt eats you alive
And that smell of cigarette
No longer reminds you of a simpler time
But rather that you’re forever going to disappoint those you love
The light on the cigarette goes out
Just like the light inside of you
You’re both dead
And soon
You’ll be discarded too.
Aug 3, 2023
Aug 3, 2023 at 6:55 AM UTC
Every time I think I’m getting better
I have those thoughts crawl up
And tear me apart
Reminding me of how horrible I could be
Because I feel as though my recovery isn’t good enough
And it’ll never be good enough
One slip up and I hate myself
And I feel as though I’ve failed myself
As well as those around me
Why is nothing ever forever
Can”t recovery last over time
Having slip ups isn’t fair at all on me
I just want to recover completely and be the person I’m striving to be already
They say time heals all wounds
But for me my time creates wounds
Because that time is spent bottling things up
Until my head explodes and I black out
And I ruin good things
And fail myself
I just wish to be healed
And better
Why do I self sabotage
And why do I never feel good enough
Will time heal me
Or will it destroy me
Like it did before
Jan 27, 2023
Jan 27, 2023 at 7:30 PM UTC
if only things were different
we didnt need to scream and cry in the streets to get our voices heard
we didnt need to argue basic human rights
we didnt need to march the streets to protect innocent lives
if only things were different
i wish we could be in a world where it wasnt full of hate
i wish we lived somewhere someone can exist safely
Aug 3, 2022
Aug 3, 2022 at 9:48 PM UTC
the hospital walls
begin closing in on me
i dont want to be here
please let me leave
im all alone here
hes waiting outside
but you wont let him in
until you asked
about my history
with mental health
and i told you all about
my suicidal thoughts
and you watched
as i ran to him outside
and i dropped to the floor
crying and shaking
unable to breathe
begging him to
take me home
because i didnt want
to be there anymore
until he walked me
right back inside
as i cried while everyone
surrounding me
decided to stare and watch
as i have my panic attack
unable to show empathy
Aug 3, 2022
Aug 3, 2022 at 9:48 PM UTC
Laying there under the light of a thousand stars
Next to one another, so close
Realising how insignificant we all are
As stars twinkle so far
Watching planes fly overhead
While our fingers interlock on the cold grass
Opening up like a flower in bloom at spring
Despite the cold winds making us shiver
Forcing us closer and closer together
Holding one another to fight the icy air
As tears roll down the side of my face
As I tell you things I haven't said in years
Staring at the dark night sky
As I lay here with you this night
Fighting everything I would usually fear
Like crying with someone
Or letting someone in so far in my mind
Where it's darker and scarier
Than this unlit field on a cold autumn night
Oct 1, 2021
Oct 1, 2021 at 3:17 AM UTC
counting down the days
until i will know
if the dreams that play
in my mind at night
will come true
or if they'll belong
to the night
while my voice
praying for you
is lost into the world
for no one to hear
like the ones before
in our history
Sep 27, 2021
Sep 27, 2021 at 12:38 PM UTC