Hey
You
Yes you
Do you feel that?
The weight in your chest
The inability to breath
The air trapped in the back of your throat
The fear hiding in your chest
The angst in your jaw
The grief in your eyes
And the loss in your belly
The ache in your hips
Knees
Ankles
Everywhere
Are you going to continue the fight?
Are you going to keep pursuing the joy?
Are you going to wade back to the numb safety?
Are you going to claw up and out and up the ladder one step at a time?
Are you going to keep fighting for the air your lungs need?
To push through the water drowning you?
The reach for the hand outstretched?
To ask for a hand?
Please
Breathe
In
And out
Slowly and all at once
And get your ice pack
The sauna
The bed
The soup
The chocolate
The friend
The dogs
The sun
The earth
The music
The books
The laughter
Because you can reach it again
For every time you have fallen
You have risen
Dec 9, 2025
Dec 9, 2025 at 10:01 PM UTC
After loosing so many friends to suicide
I thought I was done loosing them
I thought I was treading carefully with the few I had and could maintain
Until the one I lived with
Turned into a nightmare
Until I lost one to delirium
To an alternate reality she made
To cope
To survive
So it is okay
I can be the villain
And I will not engage
I will not follow and reach out
I will choose peace
And be proud that I tried to balance
The grief of those lost to the abyss
And the vulnerability of those new
I will feel the loss of a friend to choice
And remain steadfast in my heart
With an open hand to those I may love in the future
And a small reminder in my head, to trust my gut
And act
When someone shows you who they are- you listen
You do not keep trying
You do not keep pursuing the illusion
And that is okay
Dec 9, 2025
Dec 9, 2025 at 9:53 PM UTC
I did not realize that if I kept showing up
I would be drained
From someone claiming to love me
To be my best friend
From someone who gave up long ago
That I kept trying for
Who I helped through her 20 hours of labor
Who’s dogs I walked every week
Who I made nutritious food for
Who I took to prenatal yoga and did it myself
As someone with no desire to conceive ever
Who I did a hospital tour with
Who I drove to the hospital for her birth
And somehow
I am blocked three weeks later
Somehow
I am not enough
And it is here I remain
Ending 2025 thankful that I will not spend another year being there for someone who does not deserve it
Ending 2025 with the pride that I did in fact try but that I didn’t give everything
Entering 2026 content that I was an amazing friend, and content that I can continue to be myself without carrying the guilt that was never mine
Dec 9, 2025
Dec 9, 2025 at 9:46 PM UTC
I have written so many poems
Where the darkness creeps in
And I have taken so many oaths
Written across my skin
To continue the battle
But every day becomes harder to take a step
And every breath weighs heavily upon my lungs
And the smile that crosses my face is no longer one of ease
Dec 6, 2024
Dec 6, 2024 at 3:15 PM UTC
In the midst of joy
All I can hear and see
Is the loss of you
Dec 6, 2024
Dec 6, 2024 at 1:46 PM UTC
Everyone says to check up on your friends
To check up on the ones that seem okay
And you do
You check up on everyone
You check up on everyone except for the person that you didn’t reach in time
Apr 15, 2024
Apr 15, 2024 at 2:41 PM UTC
I used to like the cadence of “the Army goes rolling along”…
Until I was in it
And on a Sunday morning we found out our friend had shot himself
Four days after getting home and redeploying early.
And on Monday, we had all of our meetings, we had every due out, and only a few out of place “how are you’s”?
And so I keep asking myself how this happened
How no one knew of any signs
How we could not save him
Of all of the future plans he had and the laughs that will never be shared
I sigh and I cry and I hug and my heart still aches
And I think of David and Tony and the people suicide and depression have already stolen from me
And of all the people I could not save
And now in an organization as large as the Army, how is there no change?
Of all the “Soldier first” and “golden triangle” phone calls and “MQ Leadership” how are we still here?
How is the reality I am living even happening?
There is a better way, one that I know we need, but one I have yet to find or create
So the story of the American soldier goes on,
While Iran attacks Israel and our guns are up, we will be “ready”
Despite an aching heart
And a broken person or key leader or two
Because you were never graced with even enough time to breathe
And you return to the same organization your friend hated
The same organization that drained, and exhausted, and took from your friend
And you think to yourself, what if he had loved it?
What if his battalion commander had uplifted him?
What if his leadership had fought for him?
What if the people receiving him in the rear actually took care of him?
But most of all what if we could have saved him?
And so with a rather lack of poetic flow,
I will carry him with me in life, like I do the others. I will keep trying. But a life of trying this hard is draining the sunlight from me, as so many people said to keep it.
So maybe we will come together, and find a solution. A better way to help our people. A way to keep us alive.
Or as they say, the army will keep rolling along.
Apr 15, 2024
Apr 15, 2024 at 2:38 PM UTC
With another I was always unsure of if he was the one or not,
Always questioning and never sure,
And I fell in love with another so easily.
And I lost him.
I could not save him.
And I have had my tears, time, and peace.
And now I have found love again.
One that is so full and healthy and abundant that I am sure;
I am so sure.
His presence brings me peace,
and part of me whispers concern,
of so many what ifs,
and part of me worries,
that I will want to run and adventure,
but I think I am realizing that what I am more afraid of
is if I marry,
and have a family,
and live the dream,
and loose it,
or break it,
or become sad again,
or disappoint them.
Instead of being unsure of the man, I am afraid of something I cannot even name.
Mar 3, 2024
Mar 3, 2024 at 10:41 AM UTC
I will love you until the water falls off of the planet and gravity fails to keep us grounded to the soil
Until the sky turns purple and the grass is blue
Until the sun and moon kiss again
Until the flowers grow from roots above
I will love you until space falls into our laps and aliens become our neighbors
And friends
And enemies
Until cats bark and dogs meow
Until our energy turns into something else
And only then I can hope
That I will be graced with your presence once more
Whether it be as a ladybug on my flower
Or as a human by another name and another face
Until our physical forms are anew
Until our energy is all that pulls us together
And forever can not begin to sum it up
So I will love you until my spirit leaves my body
And I will find you after
In a new life
And if you shall leave me first I will bring you with me
Into every day
I will see you in the beauty of the sunlight
In the calmness of a moment
In the frigid exhale of air in a western New York winter
In the delight of a newlywed couple
In the taste of my favorite homemade brownies
In the joy of a beautiful autumn day
In the comfort of our couch
And bed
And home
In the deapth of my soul
Because I am with you
Until the earth becomes flat and the water falls off the edges
Jan 25, 2024
Jan 25, 2024 at 2:36 PM UTC
I want to be lost in the sea of people
And stick to the membranes inside your skull
Jan 20, 2024
Jan 20, 2024 at 12:00 PM UTC