i have come to terms with the fact that in order for me to go on every single day of my life
i have to feel
i mean not feel-feel
but you know
feel as in act like there is something burning inside of me aside from numbness, apathy, and i dont know ... resenting the existence of feelings?
so i will tell you all about my feelings
hey, listen
so i am mad at you
mad at you for not bothering to check up on me
today i saw you on my way home
talking to people that i do not know anymore
as you saw me and i saw you
i raise my hand like this*, give a little wave and was very determined to not have an eye contact with you for more than three seconds
because according to the books entitled "How to Look Like You Don't Care That Much About Them Anymore", i am supposed to look ahead, keep walking, and basically act like i didn't want to go towards you because i desperately wanted a hug from a person who claims to be my friend
who told me she admired me
and she treats be as a "bestfriend" and calling another that same title
(i mean sure
maybe you can indeed have two bestfriends
and the rule on superlative degree should adjust)
so i walked ahead and shut that thought
that there is a possibility that i can really get that hug
because in this universe
you will never initiate something
anything
for me
let's face it
you don't care
and you are the best teacher ever
there
this is not a poem
this is a thank you note
in the interest of all that is supeficial (see also our friendship)
i.
sincerely.
thank.
you.
you do not know how the shards you have made of me were the ones i used to cut myself
if you know
i remember i am supposed to have feelings
darling, thanks for maiming me
Jan 28, 2020
Jan 28, 2020 at 5:26 AM UTC
you were crying so much that day
tears and sweat marred
your face
when you heard my footsteps
you
look up
and ask
'do you love me?'
boy, i can't tell you
how much
those drops of ache
felt like a thousand beatings
to the
heart that have
always loved you
more
than anyone else [even you]
there is nothing to do
but hold you
framing your beauty
in my trembling palms
i kissed your eyelids
hoping against all hope
that
that contact
would be enough
i spent a great
deal of
my life
convincing you
that you matter
i look at you
as if
you are beyond this universe
every waking moment
was dedicated
into never making
you feel
less than your
true worth
so it came
as no surprise
that when i ask if you love me
you just smiled
and said
'thank you'
Apr 16, 2019
Apr 16, 2019 at 5:31 AM UTC
and i envy those who have been freed
those who were able to bleed
they had that chance to let their deaths seep into a surface other than their bodies
their ashes had been swallowed by the ever-present storm
what say they
to the people
who are still struggling
shamingly desperate
to find a puncture
a hole
any point of escape in their skin
just to get the void out
----mind you, they're decaying
Feb 4, 2019
Feb 4, 2019 at 7:23 AM UTC
and i ask the nothingness
is it okay that i am relieved that you're hurting too
that i eat those silent screams
wanna hear more of those stifled sobs
and holds those shards as if
you are them
darling
will you tell my heart to rest
Sep 11, 2018
Sep 11, 2018 at 3:37 PM UTC
you have been permanent in my life the second i told myself that ready or not, i will love you with all of myself and everything i have and didn't
and often
i wonder if your permanence have been finally stamped on by us leaving each other
like a box sealed tight with packing tape, ready to be delivered somewhere with destination
or a gift ribboned to be given to the one who actually should have it in the first place
on days i see you happy with the people you've been with after me and still with until now
i feel that deep love for you again
and no, it doesn't hurt as much as before
but it's still there, merging with a lot of feelings you didn't even know are possible to exist simultaneously
—of pain
the kind of pain you get when you badly miss something—someone—and you know that things have gone the way they should be and you learned a lot from it and you understand it now
but somehow, this
this is both a lesson and a heartbreak in one
there are still days that i let myself think that we could have done it, we could have gotten through it, and then 'only if' crawls its way behind that phantasm
i have accepted, really accepted, the fact that friendships come and go
that every fall out leads you to stumble into something that gives you more possibilities than before
that every pain is there to remind you that you got this and that you're going to get better, maybe not exactly on the time you want to be but soon, when every part of your being can breathe again without getting too much or too less oxygen but either way still leaves you gasping for breath
—of loneliness
the one that can only be felt when you laid everything to that person and felt like you've never been braver before and now, you don't know if you have enough left to be that fierce person again, to have that fire in you that both that person and you adore
loneliness always comes knocking at my door, most especially at times when the night is so silent and my head can't help but mirror my heart's content—filled with everything about that person
i understand that with surrendering my whole being comes with giving everything i have at my arsenal, that love will always come both ways: strength and weakness; happiness and sadness; determination and loss of will; courage and fear; love and pain
i get it
the twists and turns, the crooks and corners of everything where love and myself and that person is involved
but
i have been meaning to ask all those who have their heart broken the first time . . .
will i always carry this dull ache in my heart?
Apr 2, 2018
Apr 2, 2018 at 9:10 AM UTC
i never learn how to say the truth to my friends, unless they're good things
i'm not big on sugarcoating, but neither on being brutally and truthfully honest
most especially to you
i can never describe the fear and the anxiety of disappointing you
of just spitting the words i really wanted to say but always always too afraid or stricken to speak because you might just not get it and i might just end up hurting you instead of simply laying down my opinions
opinions
i have tons of them inside my head and they just stay there, waiting to be used on the day i'll finally find the courage to say that you're too much and the pain is sometimes unbearable and can you please stop or just pause because
because my heart is too heavy from all your accusations
my lungs too tight from this choked up feeling, for always letting you win without batting an eyelash and just opening your lips to let your own harsh words out
my soul, dear friend, is bruised too much
i can hardly recognized it because of the many stitches i sew on it every night so that it'll look like it's ready yet again for another war with you
you see
my mind is not that strong to block all your scary glares and your always present annoyed voice everytime i attempt to say what i want you to hear
i can't seem to dodge your blows as i try to turn my back on you because that will only give you more reason to think that here i am again, leaving you after all the time you picked me up and stayed with me
how can you not see that i am so. **** tired.
of putting up with your *****
of your careless throwing of disguised-as-honest-but-really-are-just-hurtful words?
how?
this is the reason i left you before
and only by a circumstance i first thought was a blessing but is really just another opportunity for you to break me way worse than before
did we meet
and if there's something i learned from that
it's that i won't let you do that to me ever again
i'm one of them
as Cassie would say
the bent, but the unbroken
Mar 2, 2018
Mar 2, 2018 at 1:43 AM UTC
i never learn how to say the truth to my friends, unless they're good things
i'm not big on sugarcoating, but neither on being brutally and truthfully honest
most especially to you
i can never describe the fear and the anxiety of disappointing you
of just spitting the words i really wanted to say but always always too afraid or stricken to speak because you might just not get it and i might just end up hurting you instead of simply laying down my opinions
opinions
i have tons of them inside my head and they just stay there, waiting to be used on the day i'll finally find the courage to say that you're too much and the pain is sometimes unbearable and can you please stop or just pause because
because my heart is too heavy from all your accusations
my lungs too tight from this choked up feeling, for always letting you win without batting an eyelash and just opening your lips to let your own harsh words out
my soul, dear friend, is bruised too much
i can hardly recognized it because of the many stitches i sew on it every night so that it'll look like it's ready yet again for another war with you
you see
my mind is not that strong to block all your scary glares and your always present annoyed voice everytime i attempt to say what i want you to hear
i can't seem to dodge your blows as i try to turn my back on you because that will only give you more reason to think that here i am again, leaving you after all the time you picked me up and stayed with me
how can you not see that i am so. **** tired.
of putting up with your *****
of your careless throwing of disguised-as-honest-but-really-are-just-hurtful words?
how?
this is the reason i left you before
and only by a circumstance i first thought was a blessing but is really just another opportunity for you to break me way worse than before
did we meet
and if there's something i learned from that
it's that i won't let you do that to me ever again
i'm one of them
as Cassie would say
the bent, but the unbroken
Mar 2, 2018
Mar 2, 2018 at 1:40 AM UTC
I wish someone taught you how to channel your anger
How to express your feelings
I wish someone was there to understand you when even you can't understand yourself.
I wish you were taught how not to hurt other people just so you can keep yourself from the pain.
I wish you learned all that . . . just so I was saved from you.
Jan 24, 2018
Jan 24, 2018 at 10:58 PM UTC
i have this constant ache and hollowness inside my chest
sometimes, it would wrap around my heart and squeeze it until it becomes painful
during those times, i might be talking to a friend and we're asking ourselves where we are that exact time next year, when college life hits us and everything is new--school, teachers, friends, goals and maybe, just maybe, when we finally know what freedom actually feel, if we will ever feel it
other times, we might just be talking over plateful of fries and coke and someone will ask me what university i'll be going to and just like usual, i will say whatever univ will give me a scholarship when i really want to say is that whenever you guys will go because **** it, i am sure that i might not be happy at first because it would make me feel pathetic for chasing people instead of my dreams but the thing is they're my people and aren't they dreams personified and i am also sure that after a while i will then feel safe and happy because although people wants to achieve things in order to be happy, i in contrast only want an assurance that they will be with me along the way and i don't care how long it will take for me to reach my goals (yes not dreams because they're that already) as long as they're still at least in my peripheral vision while i'm looking towards the finish line
you see, my greatest dilemma is how to tell people who ask you what you want that you only wish for them to always be with you without them feeling scared of you because you want them so much too much all the time especially when you thought that you'll never want nor need anything else as long as you have them
tell me how you tell people that you've never been certain of anything until they came and gently knock on your walls telling you that you won't need them anymore for they, your friends, are there to support and protect you and without knowing it you've already lowered down the walls that served as your haven during unforgiving times and for a long long while you've been so used to them being your post and for once you finally felt how it feels like to have those hollow parts covered by resilient structures such as them but unlike your haven which you left, they will be the one who will do the leaving but it would be okay for you because you know that stability is rare and you would be willing to wait even longer than usual just to feel secured again because those walls don't quite fit you anymore and new spaces are created by those who left you only for a while they say and promise to come back
come
the
****
back
will you be so kind as to tell me how certain people just seem to have the ability to catch your whole being and carve themselves in your ears arms tongue throat thighs legs head feet and make a dent in your soul as if their mere existence is not enough for you to make sure that yes they are real and they entered your life and surely wreak a havoc before leaving
it's as if they want to make a point : your soul, i touched it, was able to create a whole new universe, destroy something no one would be able to rebuild and you. know. it.
now, now
tell me how to forget
Jan 24, 2018
Jan 24, 2018 at 10:44 PM UTC