Antcevans - Hello Poetry

It’s been so long. So so long. I thought I was doing good I thought I did all that I could I hoped life would look up I hoped I wouldn’t have another blowup Well I was wrong. I hit a new rock bottom I just want to be forgotten I try so hard to die Why can’t I just lie I can’t do this anymore. This is my cry for help I’m done.

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Apr 29, 2021

Apr 29, 2021 at 10:55 PM UTC

Untitled

It’s been so long. So so long. I thought I was doing good I thought I did all that I could I hoped life would look up I hoped I wouldn’t have another blowup Well I was wrong. I hit a new rock bottom I just want to be forgotten I try so hard to die Why can’t I just lie I can’t do this anymore. This is my cry for help I’m done.

13

I know it’s been too long since I’ve wrote, But I know the words are finally free of my throat, it feels like it’s been years since I’ve put pen to paper and it shows! My arms are cut up again new burns on my nose, I swear it feels like I’m comatose. I lost feeling again and i do things I don’t mean. But I finally feel like it’s time to come clean. Yes I pop pills no it’s not for thrills, no one ever thought it was to take away my mind because the voices get louder, that way maybe I can stop using the white powder. I say I’m sorry to everyone because I feel like a failure. I swear I apologize for my moods for my behavior. This is all **** I need to get off my chest before I go crazy and unleash the bottle. I had a gun in my mouth last night and nobody knows. its finally time im the last wilted rose. I sleep with a bottle I take my pills every day nothing helps. All I have to do is put on my mask and pretend to be ok but inside I’m withered away. I’m just waiting for the day I overdose and take too much. I have a spouse but I can’t even feel their touch. I’m going insane help me please. Maybe my life will just freeze. No one will care. I’m going off the wall

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Sep 5, 2020

Sep 5, 2020 at 11:01 AM UTC

Off the wall

I know it’s been too long since I’ve wrote, But I know the words are finally free of my throat, it feels like it’s been years since I’ve put pen to paper and it shows! My arms are cut up again new burns on my nose, I swear it feels like I’m comatose. I lost feeling again and i do things I don’t mean. But I finally feel like it’s time to come clean. Yes I pop pills no it’s not for thrills, no one ever thought it was to take away my mind because the voices get louder, that way maybe I can stop using the white powder. I say I’m sorry to everyone because I feel like a failure. I swear I apologize for my moods for my behavior. This is all **** I need to get off my chest before I go crazy and unleash the bottle. I had a gun in my mouth last night and nobody knows. its finally time im the last wilted rose. I sleep with a bottle I take my pills every day nothing helps. All I have to do is put on my mask and pretend to be ok but inside I’m withered away. I’m just waiting for the day I overdose and take too much. I have a spouse but I can’t even feel their touch. I’m going insane help me please. Maybe my life will just freeze. No one will care. I’m going off the wall

5

I can’t feel anymore. Normally I’m in pain or usually I’m sore. But not recent. No recently I am not happy or joyful. But I’m also not sad or depressed. This is new. I can’t explain. It’s like a never ending never breaking emptiness. Something good happens and I’m lucky to crack a slight grin. Maybe this is a good thing. No more sadness no more depression. Maybe I’m just an empty shell. I’ve watched my friends go one by one and I stay here. Sometimes it feels like I’m on another planet. Or maybe I’m living in a dream. I’m more in a notebook than I am outside. I’m more inside my head but honestly nothing is there. This is more than dead inside this is something else. I feel like a zombie off medication I feel like I am in a different world unexistant to everyone else. Like I’m trapped inside a box unable to find the lid like I’m behind a mirror staring at the real me. This is what I live with on a daily basis unable to talk or feel. I’m no one.

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Feb 6, 2020

Feb 6, 2020 at 7:19 PM UTC

Empty

I can’t feel anymore. Normally I’m in pain or usually I’m sore. But not recent. No recently I am not happy or joyful. But I’m also not sad or depressed. This is new. I can’t explain. It’s like a never ending never breaking emptiness. Something good happens and I’m lucky to crack a slight grin. Maybe this is a good thing. No more sadness no more depression. Maybe I’m just an empty shell. I’ve watched my friends go one by one and I stay here. Sometimes it feels like I’m on another planet. Or maybe I’m living in a dream. I’m more in a notebook than I am outside. I’m more inside my head but honestly nothing is there. This is more than dead inside this is something else. I feel like a zombie off medication I feel like I am in a different world unexistant to everyone else. Like I’m trapped inside a box unable to find the lid like I’m behind a mirror staring at the real me. This is what I live with on a daily basis unable to talk or feel. I’m no one.

7

I can't seem to do anything right. I can't be good I can't win this fight. I am always the one at fault. I always mess up. It's my fault I'm me. It's my fault I keep getting cheated on. It's my fault im sad. Everything in this world is my fault. I've been told this my whole life. It's my fault

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Jan 25, 2019

Jan 25, 2019 at 8:16 PM UTC

My fault

I can't seem to do anything right. I can't be good I can't win this fight. I am always the one at fault. I always mess up. It's my fault I'm me. It's my fault I keep getting cheated on. It's my fault im sad. Everything in this world is my fault. I've been told this my whole life. It's my fault

7

Have you ever felt angry enough to **** sad enough that you can literally feel your own heart break, helpless to the point you feel you can't even control a bit of your own life let alone anything else. I do on a daily basis. And I make myself go through it constantly. Because I can't bring myself to end it. I'm scared I'll loose you. I am not gonna send this text. But I will have wrote it. I think about you every day. Yet you probably don't even care. I say I love you with meaning. I know you say it so I'll leave you alone for a bit. You don't love me. You don't know. I'd give you the world and you wouldn't even give me a text back. I'm afraid of being alone I know. You call me obsessed and clingy. Do you even know I've been cheated on 15 times out of 15 relationships. You wonder why I'm always asking what you are doing. I'm scared. I can't live with another heartbreak but I think it's to late. I'm sorry.

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Jan 12, 2019

Jan 12, 2019 at 8:56 PM UTC

Broken Picker

Have you ever felt angry enough to **** sad enough that you can literally feel your own heart break, helpless to the point you feel you can't even control a bit of your own life let alone anything else. I do on a daily basis. And I make myself go through it constantly. Because I can't bring myself to end it. I'm scared I'll loose you. I am not gonna send this text. But I will have wrote it. I think about you every day. Yet you probably don't even care. I say I love you with meaning. I know you say it so I'll leave you alone for a bit. You don't love me. You don't know. I'd give you the world and you wouldn't even give me a text back. I'm afraid of being alone I know. You call me obsessed and clingy. Do you even know I've been cheated on 15 times out of 15 relationships. You wonder why I'm always asking what you are doing. I'm scared. I can't live with another heartbreak but I think it's to late. I'm sorry.

1

This silence is deafening while alone, No one to talk to No one to pick up the phone.Music isn't reaching my ears, the only this here is my deepest fears. Does anyone even read what I write? Is this even worth the fight? Silence is unbearable I can't take It, I don't feel like it's even worth it. No one cares anymore, living feels just like a chore. I dont belong on this earth, carey me away on this hearse. Im done with life, If I don't post That's because this was my final strife.

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Dec 1, 2018

Dec 1, 2018 at 11:20 PM UTC

Silence

This silence is deafening while alone, No one to talk to No one to pick up the phone.Music isn't reaching my ears, the only this here is my deepest fears. Does anyone even read what I write? Is this even worth the fight? Silence is unbearable I can't take It, I don't feel like it's even worth it. No one cares anymore, living feels just like a chore. I dont belong on this earth, carey me away on this hearse. Im done with life, If I don't post That's because this was my final strife.

3

I did it again. That gun went to my head again. My arms are bleeding again. I'm crying again Is there a point where tears dry up? I haven't found it. I did it again I wrote my suicide note again I took medicine again I wish for death again Why can't I do anything right? I can't even die properly I did it again I pulled the trigger again Nothing happened again I say I'm sorry again Maybe I'll die this time. Or maybe I won't again.

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Dec 1, 2018

Dec 1, 2018 at 9:51 PM UTC

Again

I did it again. That gun went to my head again. My arms are bleeding again. I'm crying again Is there a point where tears dry up? I haven't found it. I did it again I wrote my suicide note again I took medicine again I wish for death again Why can't I do anything right? I can't even die properly I did it again I pulled the trigger again Nothing happened again I say I'm sorry again Maybe I'll die this time. Or maybe I won't again.

18

What is pain to me. Is it the ability to be trapped in my head unfree? Is it the way I stutter and sound? Is it the way my world turns around? I feel I deserve my pain. I deserve to feel such a strain I deserve all of these scars I deserve to feel behind bars I deserve to feel trapped Like my head is in an infinate wrap I am this pain. It will never go away or get better It will be here forever. I need this pain.

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Dec 1, 2018

Dec 1, 2018 at 6:38 PM UTC

Pain

What is pain to me. Is it the ability to be trapped in my head unfree? Is it the way I stutter and sound? Is it the way my world turns around? I feel I deserve my pain. I deserve to feel such a strain I deserve all of these scars I deserve to feel behind bars I deserve to feel trapped Like my head is in an infinate wrap I am this pain. It will never go away or get better It will be here forever. I need this pain.

14

I didn't speak today. Maybe it's just one of those days but deep down I know It isn't. I didn't speak yesterday. Many don't know what it's like to forget your own voice. I do know. I didn't speak last week. It's hard to get words out of my mouth. Many don't know what it's like to be the person who doesn't speak. I didn't speak last month. I may not talk but inside I have a voice to share. People don't hear it but they can read it. Inside I talk without a stutter. Inside I can yell and scream. My voice doesn't show my emotion my eyes do. I didn't speak last year. I've been called mute. That isn't true. I can speak. They just don't want to hear what I have to say. When I try to speak I always get cast away. I spoke today. And nobody listened.

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Nov 30, 2018

Nov 30, 2018 at 6:59 PM UTC

My voice

I didn't speak today. Maybe it's just one of those days but deep down I know It isn't. I didn't speak yesterday. Many don't know what it's like to forget your own voice. I do know. I didn't speak last week. It's hard to get words out of my mouth. Many don't know what it's like to be the person who doesn't speak. I didn't speak last month. I may not talk but inside I have a voice to share. People don't hear it but they can read it. Inside I talk without a stutter. Inside I can yell and scream. My voice doesn't show my emotion my eyes do. I didn't speak last year. I've been called mute. That isn't true. I can speak. They just don't want to hear what I have to say. When I try to speak I always get cast away. I spoke today. And nobody listened.

12

I am at war. I am at war with myself. Sometimes the good wins sometimes the bad and it shows itself on my face, on my arms and my legs. This is a battle where no matter the outcome. I loose. This war inside of me. It hurts. Like I'm being ripped in half. I hate that I feel like this but at the same time I crave it. I belong in misery. I don't deserve happiness or normalness. I deserve this war. Because in the end. I am This war.

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Nov 25, 2018

Nov 25, 2018 at 6:51 PM UTC

War

I am at war. I am at war with myself. Sometimes the good wins sometimes the bad and it shows itself on my face, on my arms and my legs. This is a battle where no matter the outcome. I loose. This war inside of me. It hurts. Like I'm being ripped in half. I hate that I feel like this but at the same time I crave it. I belong in misery. I don't deserve happiness or normalness. I deserve this war. Because in the end. I am This war.

9