I've always wondered why.
When your hands first touched places
I wasn't ready for,
When fingers reached
And my body tried its best to shield me.
Why was my first thought not
What will this do to me?
But fear froze my voice in my throat,
and my hands at my sides
As I panicked over what this would do to you.
Dec 9, 2025
Dec 9, 2025 at 1:37 AM UTC
There was pain,
And it would come.
And I would run.
I would run to a bottle
And hope there was enough
To make it stop,
To maybe, make me stop.
I ran into arms,
I hoped I could give it away.
Thinking maybe if I mixed it
With pleasure it would go down easier.
But I loved too many people
To take the permanent fix.
I loved them more than my vices would allow.
I chose them
I chose me
So there is pain now.
It comes.
And I feel.
And somehow, I am still okay.
Oct 28, 2025
Oct 28, 2025 at 6:11 AM UTC
I cannot judge a man who sold bread
On streets as a child, so his mother could eat,
For struggling. With anger, with money,
With me.
It is his first time being a father.
It is his first time loving something so small
I scream at myself, I say it over and over.
It does not make it hurt less.
He is learning, he is changing,
But I am a collection of his trials and errors.
He cannot bear to be reminded of his mistakes
And so he cannot know who I am.
I am just a silly, lucky girl.
I have no worries.
I am hurt, I am understanding,
I am tired, yet I sacrifice,
I do not ask, yet I ask for too much.
I am his first daughter.
I am still, somehow, ungrateful.
I am sorry that I need you, Father,
I am sorry that I am.
I am sorry.
Jul 20, 2024
Jul 20, 2024 at 5:36 AM UTC
The weight of her head on my chest
As we lounge in a state of half-sleep,
Humming our favourite song.
The weight of his arms on my shoulders
While we stroll through busy streets,
Looking for the next bar.
The weight of their laughter,
Laughter that I caused,
Ringing through a full, warm house.
The weight of a child in your hands;
A gummy grin and a high-pitched squeal.
"Aunty" or "mummy or ***** "don't drop me!"
The weight I carry is not bearable,
It is, in fact, too much.
And while I have tried to flee from it,
What the mind forgets, the body remembers.
So here I lie, missing this.
The weight of her head on my chest,
Of his arms on my shoulders,
Of their laugh ringing in my mind,
Of little hands gripping my fingers.
I beg to carry that weight for a moment longer.
The weight of love.
This unbearably beautiful weight.
For a moment more.
Jul 20, 2024
Jul 20, 2024 at 5:13 AM UTC
It is done
And we lay in each other's arms.
Catching breaths, sighing deeply.
He will kiss a path up my spine,
Lay one more on my shoulder and hold me.
And for a moment we are more.
Then he comes back to himself,
Remembers who he is, who I am,
And what we are not.
We will do that awkward dance,
A laugh, a silence that lasts a beat too long.
Depending on how the night started,
I will either roll over to my temporary side of the bed
Or slip on denim and wish him a good night.
On the way home I will think
Of who he is, who I am
And all that we are not.
Jul 20, 2024
Jul 20, 2024 at 4:54 AM UTC
Love hunts.
You will sit, unsuspecting, pretty prey,
Feeling a steel gaze upon you.
Lurking in the shadows, always watching.
Waiting for a chance to swoop in
And then you are caught.
But you enjoy capture.
Love sinks its teeth deep.
Takes purchase in warm, beating flesh,
And though you are bleeding out
You will weep when they try to un-pry
It’s fangs from you.
Love is killing me softly,
But I will allow it to.
It drinks from the well of my life
And leaves me painfully thirsty.
But I will never stop it, not till it’s satisfied.
I am no soldier waiting for my blaze of glory,
No coward hiding from the fight.
But love?
Love will take me without struggle,
Without mercy,
And truly, what a way to go.
Jul 13, 2023
Jul 13, 2023 at 1:26 PM UTC
I love you and I am sorry
How can I be good enough when I don’t know what that means?
I’ll do better
Even if it kills me, I will
I am so grateful for everything you do
You could have left me to starve, you didn’t, well done
I know the others do well too I just…
I hate them, I hate them, I hate them
Yes I want to be successful when I’m older
Do I really want to live long enough to be older?
It’s just hard right now with everything…
Everything feels impossible
I’m sorry, I’m sorry
I don’t even know what for sometimes,
All I know is that I’m wrong and I’m sorry
I love you
That's why this hurts so much
Alright good night
I hope I don’t wake up tomorrow
...
Yes I’m fine
What else am I allowed to be?**
Jul 13, 2023
Jul 13, 2023 at 7:15 AM UTC
I am 16 and I am excited.
My birthday is coming up soon,
I will be 17 and everything
Will finally be different.
I will almost be an adult.
And my voice will be heard (I think).
I am on the cusp of it,
At the brink of defining my lifetime
(I am picking universities),
Things will be different.
I am 17 and I have makeup on.
(It isn’t great, but my eyelids sparkle)
And I'm wearing a pretty dress.
(A little too big but it sits fine)
My friends say I'm beautiful
And for the first time I believe it.
Things are already different.
I am 17 and I come home.
I am buzzed from dinner,
(They let me have a single glass of wine)
I am high on life,
I feel like I’m infinite, like I’m not so small,
At least not anymore.
Then she sees my dress
And she is disappointed.
She says I look like a “painted *****
Not pretty, not more,
Not magical, not different.
And suddenly I don't feel 17.
I mean I am 17, but I don't feel it.
I am 17 and things have changed,
I have changed.
But nothing is different.
Jun 24, 2023
Jun 24, 2023 at 8:16 PM UTC
It is a terrible thing, this urge.
This hunger that rears its ugly head.
A simple smile or kind word,
A gentle hand, a sweet glance
And I am instantly lost.
I am unbuttoning a blouse
And pressing hands against me.
Lips snarling desperately,
Belly aching to be full of kindness,
Of sweetness and praise.
Of more than this echoing empty.
It sickens me most times.
The way I bare my neck
And roll over.
Another ***** in heat;
Open, wet and wanting,
All just for a little something.
I know my body is worth more
Than their passing kindness.
But it has been so starved
That even the tiniest morsel means too much.
It doesn't know when we will eat again.
When next will someone hold me?
When next will someone touch me?
When next will someone kiss me
Like I mean something?
I don't know when I will eat again.
Jun 24, 2023
Jun 24, 2023 at 8:07 PM UTC
Failing is like falling.
Like falling right off the edge of a cliff.
And there's nothing to hold on to
And there are no harnesses or ropes
And you're too far away to land on a ledge.
I guess I'm constantly falling.
My stomach tight,
Body tensing up
As gravity pulls me to the inevitable.
Failing is worse than falling, actually.
Because at least if I fall
I can see the ground coming.
And then I hit it.
And then it's over.
With failure, there is no telling
Just how far down you'll end up.
Or how much damage you'll take
When you eventually hit the floor.
Or worse...
What if there is no floor? What if you never stop?
Maybe this is it for me.
Doomed to this never-ending cycle.
Always failing.
Always falling.
Jun 24, 2023
Jun 24, 2023 at 6:25 PM UTC