some break the door down
others knock tentatively
others throw the door open dramatically and unashamedly
others lock the door and keep it locked
some of us had to pull ourselves out, kicking and screaming and fighting the whole way
some of us still have one foot in the door
some of us still visit it, sometimes
we all know what it's like behind the door
it's where we learn to hurt
it's where we learn to hide
it's where we learn to love
it's where we learn anger, and fire, and fight
it's home and it's not
it's scary and it's dark but it's there where we learn
to make our own light
to be our own light
that we can shine and we can glow no matter what the world beyond the door may say
"love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love, cannot be killed or swept aside"
happy national coming out day to all of us, everywhere
Oct 11, 2016
Oct 11, 2016 at 4:04 PM UTC
If I had my way, you would want for nothing.
I would stop the whole earth from spinning if you asked.
When you touch me, I am the universe experiencing itself.
I have so many strange words tucked away in my vocabulary but still, none of them will ever be able to do you justice.
You deserve a whole dictionary full of new words just to describe the space where your shoulder meets your neck.
Aug 20, 2016
Aug 20, 2016 at 3:53 AM UTC
A candle or a flashlight?
Do you sleep with the door closed?
What songs did your mother sing when you couldn't sleep?
Did you have an imaginary friend?
Describe them to me.
How many past lovers?
Do you still think about them?
Miss them, even?
Do you like puzzles?
I'm very hard to put back together.
When you hold someone's hand,
do you like your thumb on the inside or outside?
Big spoon or little spoon?
If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life,
What would it be?
Who hurt you?
How many skeletons are in your closet?
How many bodies have you buried?
How would you define love?
What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word "break"?
Does is still hurt to say her name?
How many hearts have you broken?
Is it better to ask for permission or to beg for forgiveness?
Do you believe in God?
What about astrology?
Have you ever looked in the mirror and not known who was staring back?
Could you ever love again,
The way you loved her?
Could you love me that way?
Jul 29, 2016
Jul 29, 2016 at 3:29 PM UTC
My mother asks me how I'm doing and I tell her "fine."
I do not tell about the new anti-psychotic I was prescribed this week,
or about the anxiety attacks that land me in the hospital.
This is how I lie to my mother to save her.
My mother is not like other moths,
she is all "party at Summer's house" and no "party at Chuck E Cheese"
She is all neglect and no nurture.
When my dad left, I was the only one still here to prop her up.
I held her while she cried,
I rubbed her back while she threw up,
I cleaned the house,
did the laundry.
I raised myself when she couldn't even get out of bed.
The only time she was there was when I told I was leaving,
then she would blow dry my hair and let me sleep in her bed.
I kept pushing her,
and pushing her,
and pushing her,
just wanting her to react in someway,
even if it wasn't good.
The last time I told her I was leaving,
she packed my bags for me and I haven't known what home is since.
I've gotten my heart broken before,
I've been through plenty of break-ups;
but none of that could have ever prepared me for breaking up with my mother.
Leaving what I called home with a box of my things,
I'd never felt more grown up in my whole life.
I've been carrying my mother since I was nine,
but when I finally dropped her,
I shattered.
This is how I break my own heart
to save myself.
Jul 29, 2016
Jul 29, 2016 at 3:24 PM UTC
Mama, here it comes.
I know you can't see through eyes so glassy,
but please try.
Just once.
For me.
Mama,
will you hold me tight?
Protect me from what's to come.
Shield me,
wrap me up with your love.
Brush my hair 100 times,
come on, I'll count with you.
Just like we used to
before the world turned upside down.
It might be gone before we even reach 99.
Mama,
I know you can't hear through ears so deaf,
but please listen to me anyway.
It's here now, mama, do you hear me?
It's here and it isn't leaving.
Mama,
I know you can't love with a heart so guarded,
so broken,
but please try to love me
just one more time.
I need it more than ever now.
Mama,
it's gone now.
I fought it off with my own two hands,
scratched it ****** with my nails
(bitten short just like yours.)
Mama,
aren't you proud of your girl?
This thing you have created?
This manifestation of 9 painful months,
9 clean months,
9 months untouchable by the monster.
Okay, mama,
I have to go now.
I am leaving.
I know you can't speak through a throat so clogged up with apologies you just never got a chance to say,
so I'll say goodbye for the both of us.
Jul 21, 2016
Jul 21, 2016 at 4:24 AM UTC
"Get me out of here alive" I scream,
because only you can.
Only you hold the key, the secret, the missing piece -
of me.
That's what you are.
I knew it the moment we met,
I think,
but my heart hid it away until it was time.
I held my love for you tight inside my chest
until the world was ready for it.
Lay your head on my chest.
Place your ear over my heart.
There.
Do you heart that?
That's you.
That's where I keep you.
I know,
I know I will still exist long after your love has left.
I know there is still a Me without You.
But I don't want to know her.
I don't want to be that girl.
Jul 21, 2016
Jul 21, 2016 at 4:18 AM UTC
but you went anyway.
you went to the ends of the earth.
far away from
broken homes
and
****** dish towels
and
leaky faucets
and
the one person who could forgive you.
you took love with you when you left,
replaced it with something vile.
something that resembled love
but not enough
to keep me.
all those mornings spent together
and not once did we ever watch the sun rise.
i was always alone.
May 4, 2016
May 4, 2016 at 2:55 AM UTC
She is the first, first love.
The one that I loved before I learned what love really is.
She is the hurt that I don’t talk about.
She had a name like a car
that she drove straight through the side
of everything I thought I had built.
I loved her with training wheels on,
I loved her in secret,
I loved her so much it felt like I was on fire with it.
I took me three years to fall out of love with her
and another to finally call it “love”.
I wanted to lay down and die for her.
I would have given up anything for her.
When people bring her up I laugh and say, “I thought I loved her once”.
She is the name I don’t say.
If there is a past, I have already forgotten it.
If she asks, tell her it’s okay.
May 4, 2016
May 4, 2016 at 2:53 AM UTC
The night we danced on your grandparents’ roof while the sun went down
I thought to myself, “could it ever get any better than this?”
We loved each other as much as any fifteen year olds could,
Painting each other’s toenails sunflower yellow in the middle of June.
I said “forever” for the first time that night and meant it.
I lost myself in an endless summer,
Drinking the rest of your dad’s Cabo in the pantry with the lights off
and giggling like he’d never find out.
We walked around with our chests puffed out
and talked like we knew something nobody else did.
You referred to me as your “beloved” and everybody laughed.
My sweaty hand never left yours
and, even just for a little while,
We owned the night.
You lit a fire in me and I tamed one in you.
Sometimes my heart still aches for the person I thought you were.
But,
You are not God, and this room is not burning.
You wanted love in shackles and I gave it to you,
Willingly (or not.)
For four years, you were everything.
And even though life is long,
I still wish I spent less of mine with you.
May 4, 2016
May 4, 2016 at 2:45 AM UTC
he liked my hair long so I cut it all off. i don't regret this. i've thrown out all of the clothes i used to wear, the ones that lived on his bedroom floor. i don't regret this. sometimes you have to burn yourself to the ground to forget someone ever touched you, sometimes you have to become nothing before you can be something again. that's okay. i've ruined every place he's ever been before his memory could ruin it first. i shed the skin he touched but it took months for new skin to form, i was raw and i was sensitive and it wasn't pretty. it needed to happen, though. i needed to be raw. and sensitive. and most of all: untouched. i want to forget it but i don't, i want to remember. i want to stay angry. i want to hold onto my anger forever, i want to start a revolution with it. i burned myself to the ground and now it's his turn. i shouldn't have had to deal with this as long as i have, i have been punished enough for a crime i did not commit; a crime i did not deserve. i need to teach myself to believe that: i did not deserve this. this is not my fault. it's hard to stomach that someone you used to love is a monster but it's harder to stomach a lie. even now, a year later, i'm still protecting him. subconsciously. it's a natural reflex for me, but i don't need to do that anymore. he doesn't deserve my protection, i am strong and i am powerful but not for him. never again. i don't want to be afraid anymore. i am strong, i can do this. i'm going to tell everyone what he did, because i don't need to feel ashamed of it anymore. i never did.
Dec 8, 2015
Dec 8, 2015 at 3:49 AM UTC