Evasive, foolish, time user
Sleepy, silent, giver of life
Nodding off, filling in
Soft, warm, puddle of moments
Dreaming, scheming, slowing
Opaque reality, necessary
Unwanted in a meeting
Liquid of vitality
Please, let me sleep!
Oct 12, 2018
Oct 12, 2018 at 8:41 AM UTC
Living with PTSD is like riding a horse, feeling the crisp breeze, the exhilaration of the gallop, the rhythm of the horse's hooves, and the synchronicity between the rider and horse. The goodness of life captured in the view over fields and valleys, the smell of grass and flowers, and the beauty of the sunset on the horizon.
And out of nowhere the trigger knocks me off of the horse. Just before I black out I see the bottom side of the horse, and his powerful hooves, right over my head. And then there I am, on my back, smelling dirt and manure, and not knowing at all where I am, or how it is that I came to be there. Panicking and alone, the sound of horses far away. This can be made more confusing when someone next to me blames me for falling, as if I have fallen on purpose. This is what it feels like.
My horse came back today, and I'm not astride yet, but he's standing here warming me, waiting for me to climb back up, nuzzling me with his warm, wet breath, and communicating that the view is great, the air is crisp, and the rhythm of the ride awaits.
Oct 1, 2018
Oct 1, 2018 at 10:17 AM UTC
A bow tied
With delicate precision
Made beautiful in the form
And held in tension
A promise believed
Fragile in humanity
Durible in hope
Generous, free
A conversation
Call
Response
Steadiness, connected
An opening
Vulnerability
Everything could be broken here
Resisting the urge to close
Because the goodness lies within
Terrifying and terrific
Friendship
Sep 21, 2018
Sep 21, 2018 at 11:36 PM UTC
I don't know--
If you know
That you've been systematically
Turning all my lights
Back on.
7 Aug 2018
Sep 16, 2018
Sep 16, 2018 at 10:41 PM UTC
The ability to take one step
Was all I could do
In the dark
When I felt alone
A mask over me
Hiding me and my truth
Taking one step
Choosing a direction
In the dark, cannot see
Trusting, hoping, believing
In the tiny speck of light
Barley visible, so small
Could be it isn't there at all
One step, then another
Speaking quietly
Unsure
Years.
Awakening one day in a new place
A good place
Hope
In something new
7 Aug 2018
Sep 16, 2018
Sep 16, 2018 at 10:37 PM UTC
People look away
it is easier to find fault in me
than to hold him accountable.
His position wins for him respect
despite his actions of disrespect.
He is assumed to be:
blameless, holy, good;
compassionate, caring, together;
but he is also human.
In his humanity is the capacity
to do harm, to hurt others.
And he has hurt me.
I do not blame him
though he is responsible.
I offer forgiveness instead,
because that's who I am.
Ironic: my virtue sets him free.
Mar 13, 2015
Mar 13, 2015 at 7:28 PM UTC
Pretend it didn't happen.
Act as if she is crazy
for remembering: for being hurt.
Then act like her hurt
has no basis in reality.
Call her crazy. Emotional.
Dismiss her humanity.
Dismiss her.
Then, treat her with disrespect.
When she objects,
remind her she is
too emotional, crazy,
that her memory is flawed.
She is less.
When you want something,
rescind all this,
remember tenderness and care.
Flip again if anyone notices.
Keep her questioning:
then she will stay silent.
Mar 13, 2015
Mar 13, 2015 at 6:59 PM UTC
I know who I am
what I remember
how I felt
I know who I am
There is this mantle
thrown over me
hiding my truth
for his benefit.
I keep throwing it off.
I am not that person.
He, most of all knows this,
yet his mask continues
to be painted on my face.
Even as he is away.
This is my biggest fear:
that I become the image
transposed on me
and not myself.
Mar 13, 2015
Mar 13, 2015 at 6:54 PM UTC
People don't know it,
but I'm subtly overthrowing the world.
I'm in the process of rewriting reality;
of changing global paradigms.
Maybe people don't realize it,
but the world changes every day,
and so do they.
I'm a catalyst of that change;
I'm commissioned with vision;
I choose to follow.
People don't know it,
but I'm subtly overthrowing the world
with love.
Feb 25, 2015
Feb 25, 2015 at 11:32 PM UTC
Sometimes I need to feel the pain --
Not as final judgement on the situation,
But as a way to move on to new life.
Because new life comes from death.
So, when I am sad, let me be sad.
When I'm in pain, let me hurt.
To disrupt this natural cycle is
to dishonor life.
Jesus' story teaches us --
death brings life transformed.
So then, as ironic as it seems,
honoring life means embracing death.
To live fully is to give one's life away.
Feb 25, 2015
Feb 25, 2015 at 11:25 PM UTC