You’re warm whiskey
On a summer day
I’ll drink you down
I’ll drink my life away

In my head are endless railroads,
covered in countless thoughts,
that carelessly crash into each other,
causing me to snap into a fit of anger.

I can't take the overwhelming feeling of the mess in my head,
and the frustrating feeling of not being capable to take control.

I made this observation on November 5th, 2013,
when i looked inside my head,
after punching through a wall,
In an enraging state of mind.

I explained this observation to a wise soul,
and they told me that the next time a collision happens,
to stop all of the trains in my head for a split second,
and find the railroad track of which it occurred.

Find which train caused the explosion.
Which thought set my hand flying toward concrete.
Find out the color of the train,
Are their people inside?
Are the seats red or blue?

Pinpoint and explore the details of what set you off,
And if in the split second before your decide to throw your hand against a wall,
You can do that,
Then your hand will stop,
and you have time to think about how to get the trains engine running again,
Without hurting yourself.

Washing
Widowed words
Left by
Persnickety poems
Off the back window
Of my car

They glide
Down the metal
Fall
Past tires
And
Silently splash
On the concrete

Escaping
Through the cracks
And staining
The driveway
Like a kiss
On a frail white paper
Next to where you
Sign your name
Sincerely

Disordered sentences
Cover the path
I cross
Everyday
To get to
-No better place than-
Home

Imagine you’re a fish
Your comfort zone is your tank
It will only let you grow so big
You’re not stuck
Stop saying you’re stuck
You’re comfortable
You don’t want to drop everything
And do what’s good for you
Because you’re scared

But when you put that fish in a lake
Sure, it might be scared to death
But **** does that fish get so much bigger
Than it ever thought it could

The potential lies within you
Your boundaries lie within you
And you must break them to grow, to learn, and to love.

We burst
Into microscopic glass prisms
The sun crosses our downward spiral
Sending multicolored beams
To skim everything surrounding us
Blinded we surely are
By our own love
Never realizing how powerful
It truly was
Until the beautiful mess of us
Shattered

I let down the creaky old wooden door
to the castle of my heart,
and let you in
You stayed for a while,
admiring the pictures i hung on the walls,
and the mess of the conference room,
where my heart and brain were always indecisive
You told me you would stay,
but it wasn't long until you left
You found an ex lovers photo
stashed in the wrong place
My heart was chaotic and i wasn't full organized
You got upset because you thought just because i had misplaced his picture,
that i still loved him
You clawed with an ax at everything contained inside my home of a heart
Breaking walls to feelings i didn't know existed
But then you stopped,
silently,
you walked out the same creaky old wooden door you walked in,
locking it on your way out
You ignited the bridge that crossed my veins,
The only way of reaching the castle door,
You destroyed
Leaving me locked inside
and everyone else locked out

I wish I could write a poem
That snuck into your skin
Or sunk into your pores
And touched the parts
Of you that you
Didn’t know existed

The doctor stood by her bedside
running his lanky fingers
over her dull brown hair
as she lay silently sleeping
wires monitoring her every breath

                                                                                                    "Poor girl,"
He whispered
                                                                                     "She's not psychotic,
                                                                                                She's broken"

Her fathers eyes pierced the doctor
puzzled with anger he almost screams

                                                                          "So what does that mean?!"

The doctor slowly looked up
her father cowered back
shrinking into his seat
as if he never moved

over the silent vibrations
and mechanical beeps
The doctor simply explained                                                                        

                                                              "The demons aren't destroying her,
                                                                                 she's destroying herself."

And sometimes
You'll abuse yourself
Because you feel like you deserve it
Everyone else abuses you
So you must deserve it right?
You'll feel relief in knowing
It's the one time you get to control the abuse
You're in control
Wrong
You're so wrong
You're so wrong if you think abusing your sweet self will make anyone love you any more or any less
You're so wrong if you think you're benefiting yourself
You're so wrong if you think it's the only way to get all those emotions out
I know the second your skin splits open
And you see the hurt fall onto the floor in the form of iron droplets
But the only thing you're doing
Is staining that bathroom rug that your mother bought you to match your shower curtain
And waisting bandaids that are used to heal you're brothers scraped knees
And leaving scars on your silk skin that will never leave your body or your mind
and
You're so wrong if you think that's right

Loving you
Is like laying at the bottom of a pool and looking up; It’s oh so beautiful
But dear,
I’m drowning

I always kept my love contained
My use under control
But then i met you
I shot up doses like it was nothing
My daily syringe of happiness
I needed my fix
I could feel my heart pulsing
Your name
Coursing through my veins
Was you, Everyday
I got addicted
I begged
More
Please
More
PLEASE
I needed something inside of me
I needed to feel
I needed YOU
But i forgot to appreciate
I was even given you in the first place

You couldn't help me anymore
There was no more happiness to give
You cut me off
But your name was still stuck
Ringing in my head
I needed my fix
I really needed my fix
Please
I'd beg
But no reply
And i sat
Left with
Empty veins and a shattered heart
Pieces so sharp fell from this fragile heart
Stabbing me in all the wrong places
Making parts of me hurt
That i didn't even know existed
Slowly convulsing aches and pains consumed my being
Filled with withdrawals from you
It was only

Replays
And
Replays
Of the way you would hold my hand lightly
Run your fingers from the tips of mine
Down to my palm
Over and over
Until i grabbed your hand and squeezed as tight as i could
With our fingers interlocked
You'd look me in my eyes and squeeze back
A grip filled with my
Dosage of love

Replays
And
Replays
Of the way you'd say certain words
Because i always loved to listen to you talk
But even when you didn't
Staring at you in silence was perfect, because i knew you made me speechless
So i'd ramble in my head about how beautiful you were and how amazing you made me feel
I was so caught up in my mind chatter about you
I never made conversation to you

Broken,
I had no more silent looks to give
No more hand to squeeze
No more lips to taste
No more happiness
I was left empty

But you see kid,
Now I've learned my lesson,
Love is not a game you play
Love is a drug you hope never gets taken away
An addiction that consumes your being
And if you don't be careful, it can consumer you until it leaves you out cold
Moderation and appreciation
But no matter what happens,
Just remember to say thank you,
For letting me experience the drug,
That is you.

The demons manifest inside my stomach
And sit on the bones of my ribcage
Stirring up trouble
With their piercing point tip ears
And crystal red eyes
They rip their long black
Razor sharp claws
Against my flesh
Trying to cause a ruccus not only inside
But now on the outside

They double in size every month
They get older and gain strength
They learn my weaknesses
And start making holes under my walls
I've built to keep them restrained

I won't know how to stop them
When they are stronger than me
And rip me to shreds
Only to eat my weary flesh

My mind
Is a personal museum
That I wish I had the guts to show you

But you always told me I left everything unfinished
And showing you would only prove you right

You wouldn’t care about the potential I had
You would shame me for never carrying out the ideas

My mind is filled with Half-finished canvases
Paint splattered memories
Clay sculpture feelings
And Mona Lisa thoughts
Waiting for the world to see

You will never believe in me

You’re a world yet to be discovered
By the hands of love

You’ll meet someone
Someday
Who will make you feel
Like you’ve never been touched

I told you
Every time i look up at the stars
It will remind me of the last time we touched

Do you remember?
The night you held me crying
I looked up
With dizzy eyes
Begging god that you would stay
It  was a clear sky
With a full moon
The last time you kissed me


Jan 1.
I went stargazing last night with him,
It was the first time he told me he loved me,
But all i could think of was you,
And the last time i saw you.

I want to fall asleep with you
tangled legs
and close enough
to only breathe each other

I want to wake up with you
sheets kicked
to the bottom of the bed
and nuzzling your heart

Sun speckled skin
Sits next to me
Passenger seat kisses
And subtle glances
At every red light

Love hangs between us
Like dice on the mirror

I wish my poetry
Was half as good
As the way you write novels
Down my spine with your
fingertips

Let me tell you                                        /Let me tell you
Love                                                         ­ /Heartbreak
Makes for good poems                          /Makes for good poems
I'll sit and write                                      /I'll sit and write
About your smile                                  /About my pain
The way you touch me                         /The way i wake up
And my stomach flips                          /In the middle of the night
As i bite my lip                                     /Crying your name
Anticipating your kiss                         /My heart violently convulsing
The way your fingers                           /For you
Intertwine perfectly                             /The way my stomach is full
With mine                            /Even though i haven't ate in days
How the most comfortable                 /How i find a way
Place to lay my head                           /To make every little thing
Is on your shoulder                             /Remind me of you
Because you,                                         /Because you,
You are home                                        /You were home
Keeping me safe                                   /Now, home is no longer
But there's only so much                     /But there's only so much
I can write                                              / I can write
About how beautiful                            /About how losing you
You makes me feel                                /Made me feel

Love
Could be standing on your front step
But you're so use to
Solicitors handing you pamphlets
Full of false words and hope
That you never answer the door
Anymore

You use to sit and wait
For every knock
But now you peak through the blinds
Just to sit back down
And ignore the shuffle of shoes
Walking away

Even though
You don't know
Which shoes
Are being stepped in
By your soul mate

The morning after
A collection of sunrises
Sit on my collarbones
Heavy with color
Traces of love that stained my soul
But are so strong they permeated my skin

The butterflies’ locomote about in my stomach
I try to calm them but they insist to see you

They get so overwhelmed at the sound of your name
I tell them to hush
But they never comply


If you listen closely
When my heart skips
You can hear them flutter

They crave your presence in order to contain composure
When you’re holding me they are tranquil
But make any sudden movements and you might awake them
For some reason you’re the only person that can kindle them


I’ve never actually seen them
But I know they are there

They yearn for you

They make me a little nauseous sometimes
But it’s a wonderful thing
And I hope they never leave


Because as long as they stay
I know I’ll always love you

I want to fall asleep with you
Tangled legs
And close enough
To only breathe each other


I want to wake up with you
Sheets kicked
To the bottom of the bed
And nuzzling your heart

Your words are
A delectable fishhook
A chase
For the necessity
Of feeding
The heart
A punctured hole
In my cheek

You grab me
I can't squirm free

You tug the hook
From my mouth

And throw it back
For someone else

I'm just the catch of the day
Left with an everlasting scar
I swim away

And i sat
Swinging on our bench
Painted the color of the words i never said
Your lies have crawled up the wooden support
And wrapped around the creaky hinges
Tired and flowerless
You've made it harder to swing

I begged you to stay
But you kissed me as you left
Leaving me sitting alone
On our bench

Your whispered goodbye repeats in my head
Shaking the ground beneath my feet
Like a 9.8 earthquake
The bench beneath me collapses

You told me you can't take the lies
What lies?
I was engulfed by the vines of your distant words
And never even noticed

And i,
I'm the one who lies?
They are your lies
Your lies that aged and broke
The bench that held our love

You believed everyone but me
I believed only you
And that's where i went wrong
Thoughtlessly swinging with you
I went wrong

You watched me cry
You saw love fill my eyes
and fall to the soil covered ground
My heart broke

You told me your heart was mine for the taking
So i got up and ran
Leaving our broken bench behind
I ran
But little did i know
You were hidden behind the tree
That was forever carved with our initials
Your foot stuck out in front of me
-You were always a step ahead of me-

The entire time
You had every intention
Of watching me fall
First on the broken bench
And then in front of you

And i did
Face in the dirt
I dropped your heart
But it didn't break,
It bounced

You picked it up,
And walked away
Never looking back
Leaving me broken
I realized why you stopped meeting me at our bench
Why you waited in the woods
And why every kiss felt like the last

I told you I don’t write poems for people
But that was a lie
The truth is
I couldn’t find the right words
To tell you everything I don’t understand
About the way you make me feel
All the right words
They swim through my mind
But when I try to tell you how i feel
I start sinking in sentences
Anchored to the floor
I’m unable to pull myself together
And easy-handed give you the thoughts
That are tethered to my heart

I crumble
Into insignificantly small pieces
And spill
Through the cracks of insanity
Insuppressible
Falling so slowly
It feels almost as if i'm floating
Dispersing
Once i reach the callous bottom

I was once surrounded
By brightness
Never acknowledging
The precedence it didn't receive
The light was always a given
A requirement for life
It was never anything
Extraordinary

Captured by crazy
I lay still in the dark
Watching beams of light
Flicker
Through the very cracks
That made everything
Vanish
After i fortuitously invaded

From this angle
They look almost like
A possibility of hope
A way to reclaim life
Infiltrating
The dark that suffocates me
The rays sweep over
Just long enough
For me to inhale

Every glimmer
Now imperative

Take me on a date
To the poetry club
So we can dance all night
To the words
The creative minds spill from their mouths
Slipping through the holes in the microphone
Only to come out as music

Take me on a date
To the poetry club
So we can drunk the silent thoughts
Of the listening souls seeking for inspiration
And get drunk to the music
That slips through the holes in the microphone

Take me on a date
To the poetry club
So i can admire the way your head tilts
Slightly left when you observe
The standing body embracing
The empty stage
Speaking words filling you to the brim
With love

Love for the poetry club

I want to run my fingers
along the indentations
your favorite pants
left pressed on your hipbones
after a long day

Love
Could be standing on your front step
But you’re so use to
Solicitors handing you pamphlets
Full of false words and hope
That you never answer the door anymore


You use to sit and wait
For every knock
But now you peak through the blinds
Just to sit back down
And ignore the shuffle of shoes
Walking away


Even though You don’t know
Which shoes
Are being stepped in
By your soul mate

I hope your toes only curl for the perfect person
And you stop driving up a storm within yourself
Every time you hear to word love

I hope you look up at the clouds
And see everything I know you wanted me to say
But I couldn’t bring myself to tell you

I hope you never forget
The way I smiled when I was with you
And the way you smiled when you were with me

I hope you still walk so that your feet
Kiss the ground with every step you take
And you still giggle
Every time you’re blinded by the sun

I fell in love with his eyes
He turned around and fell in love with hers

6/21/13

I'm stuck at the bottom
Of a wishing well
Sitting criss-cross
I stare at the sky
looking forward
To the sun greeting me
Each morning
And the moon kissing me
Goodnight

People occasionally come by
Dropping loose change down the well
Never noticing my silent screams
Yet i hear all their deepest desires

Some pray for
Lost lovers
Wellness
Wealth

I wish i could plant the coins
Until they grew enough happiness
That no one would have to wish anymore
They would finally be satisfied

But since i can't
I've been thinking
Maybe
If i can collect enough coins

I can stack them
End over end
And climb to the top

I'll take as many as i can carry with me
In hope
I'll have enough to buy your heart





5/2/13

I wished you would fall in love with me
But instead i fell down the wishing well

I want to sit criss-cross
On the floor of your mind
And quietly observe the trains
That derail in your head
Throughout the day

I want to browse
The walls of your mind
Because i know that's where
You hand your favorite paintings

I want to follow
The path your mind wanders down
That leads to the grave yard
Of never carried out ideas

I want to explore and search
Your beautifully tattered mind
Until i find what left you
Broken and without inspiration