This feeling...
Seems to be undying.
It consumes me
And never goes away.

I know only glimpses of happiness,
Yet microscopic compared to the pain.

When will it not hurt so bad?
When will the good
Finally outweigh the bad?
How much longer must I wait?
How much more must I bear?

I  just gotta keep hiding it.
And when I wake...
I put on the mask as I step onstage.
Awaiting reality...
I remind myself to keep it all locked away.

I wish for you to be okay
But I know I can’t make you okay.
Nothing can make it okay…
Only time.

We need emotion.
Not what we can pick and choose,
But all of them.
Not everything can be good times
And happiness.
We need to get lost
So that we can be found.
We need to be in the dark
So we can find the light.
We have to get our heart broken
To know we were loved.
We gotta bleed
To know we are alive.
We gotta live
To know we can die.
We gotta feel pain
So that we can know
What it’s like to feel okay.
We need to make mistakes
In order to grow.
We need to fall
So we can learn to get up.
We need to love
So we can conquer hate.
We need to feel
So we can know we are human.
That is why we need emotion.

Happiness

We used to know each other so well
But you had to move away
With your last farewell.

I miss your presence.
With time you will be yet again a stranger.

It’s been awhile
When you do indeed come back,
Don’t fear to dwell.

I thought we’d stay in touch
But I guess you are busy
With so many other people to greet.
Surviving without you remains my greatest feat.

Forget reality
Come and visit once in a while.
You’ll be proud of my hospitality.

Haven’t seen you in person
Since the 4th of July.
You went to the hospital
On the 26th of that month.
You couldn’t breathe.
You spent your 53rd birthday
In an induced coma, asleep and alone.

No one would’ve ever thought it would be that bad.
I wish it were me instead.
This torment is incessant.

Glimpses of happiness when I forget
Hell when I remember.
Most of the day I try to block it out
The only way to get through the day.

Oh, the amount of prayers
And oceans of tears
Yet the outcome is the same.

Why?
Why’d God take you so soon?
What did this prove?

There’s so much more we needed to do
That I wanted to do.

Reminders of you in everything.
Please come back
I need you.

All that time for granted
Thinking I had forever.
Not enough time before
And now am left with none.

I can’t see you
I can’t talk to you
I can’t give you a hug
Nor can I say I love you and goodbye.
All I can do is cry.
Cry and write.

Your life unfinished,
Here I stay wishing
That we could’ve traded places.

You didn’t deserve this dad.
I’m so sorry.
I miss you so much.
You were the best dad
That anyone ever have.

‘Til we meet again.
Don’t worry
I’ll be okay.
We will be together again soon.
With eternity after.

**** COVID-19
And mortality.
Now on, we shall be undying.

May you know only love and happiness
With unending light.
No more loss.
No more sadness.

You will live on through my memory.
Forever in my heart.
I know you will be looking down on me
And always guiding me.

I love you dad.

I just want to die.
I don’t want to feel anymore pain.
I’ve been hurt too many times
And cried too many tears.
Not enough happiness to make me stay.

Just let me go
No anchor to delay.
Too much loss
And the only gain; from weight.

My broken heart is irreparable.
The last blow turned it to sand
And the wind carried it away.

I am empty inside.
With no light
I remain in the dark.
Lost and alone.

You make my heart ache so.
I can no longer sleep at night.
It hurts to breathe,
Yet I can never close my eyes.
I see no light.
Tears unending,
Pain deserving.
May we start over in another life,
For now, this is goodnight.
Sleep well, my knight.