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Mallory 3d
Doe eyed
deers in headlights
always get
hit.
Hard.
I’m telling you to sprint.
Don’t get caught up
in the way the the light
illuminates the life
within you.
If you look directly,
for a moment too long
it will unearth your eyes,
and hold you hostage
through your blindness.
Intentions know so little
about the ways in which life lives and lashes out on us.
And so often,
are we ill advised
by hope.
And desire.
I’m telling you to run.
The sky and the stars are brighter
the further away from the road you go.
These lights were not meant for you.
They were made to guide
wanderers along asphalt.
And you have wandered these forests
enough to know
doe eyed
deers in headlights
always get hit.
Hard.
Apr 5 · 64
Human Interact
Mallory Apr 5
I hate how erratic you make me.
You want me so right just to leave me waiting.
The tenderness I once had for you is eroding.
I feel it crumbling at my fingertips
every time you disappoint me.
What we are to each other is just dissonance now.
I don’t know how
you do it so well
to me still.
I guess this is just living
and evolving.
Sometimes
it feels more like longing,
for something
that will never really be here.
A love I never got enough of
in my younger years.
Mar 9 · 143
Ascent
Mallory Mar 9
I want to be soft,
I want to be light.
Delicate enough
that heart
is no longer synonymous
with heavy.
Fill me
with helium
and cut the string.
Hollow out my bones.
Wring my brain of its density.
Ink me onto paper
And feather every page
between fingers and thumb.
Touch until touch is numb.
Breathe in until body is floating.
Then let go.
This is knowing.
This is living.
Right?
Jan 30 · 273
Now
Mallory Jan 30
Now
I’ve known this place before. Hair line fractures on happiness are pathways to purgatory, and when I say I’ve stumbled across love and watched it leave before, it’s not to say that this is any easier. I just came more prepared. More content sitting down in the night with the dark things, and asking about the places they’ve been. I’ve lost myself again, the way my mother keeps losing words. She misplaces them in my chest and I rip my heart out in attempt to give her my memories. Our memories.

Some days you are a reflection of all the things we’ve witnessed once before. I wonder if you ever think about her anymore, or how history has an atrocious way of repeating itself (up close). You keep trying to string things together to make sense of the unraveling world around you, but your hands don’t know the way around a needle and thread anymore. I wear thimbles like armor, and stitch together the things you say you remember, but don’t. Arrows drawn on the remote; symbols and language you weren’t prepared to have stolen from you. We hold our breath not in hope, but in anticipation, waiting for a shimmer, a glimpse, counting every glow of you left. We catch them in laughter, but we know this only grows exponentially the older we get. I know there was a time when you were more than this, but it’s so human of us to forget. Every time you rearrange words, and names, and moments, I pick them apart trying to find you there, but you are somewhere stuck between the ellipsis. You are caught on the semi colon. How do I hold you up and look you in the eyes as you ghost into everything I can not grasp?

Life is sifting your mind until there is
nothing
left
but dust.
Maybe more of a journal entry than a poem?
Dec 2018 · 864
21
Mallory Dec 2018
21
It is no coincidence that I was born on the lightest day of the year; Summer solstice. With me, you will be always brightest here. I chew glass. Like cotton candy my love will melt you from the mouth, inside out. I linger like smoke mixed with summer midnight air. I glow like summer morning sunrise. Erasing every forged signature, you’ll feel me breathing down your spine. I’ll surface like a bruise you want pressure on. A sunburn you feel peeling. I sting and heal like salt: seawater on cuts. I am the hottest days, grabbing, clinging, giving meaning to body. Wet. Sweat trickling down back. I am rooted in the grass outside all of the flower beds, like morning glory, I will choke you out if it means I am still growing. I am dandelions, and daisies. I am melted buttercups dripping lazily, under chin. It is no coincidence, that I was born on the brightest day of the year; I am a flame in darkness. With me you will always burn brightest here.
Nov 2018 · 222
Lluvia
Mallory Nov 2018
Listen to them individually,
Hear them beat
Against black pavement.
They fall hard, helplessly.
And softly. Drops of pure god touch skin, relentlessly.

Wet and uninviting.
Fluidity in surviving.  
Crystal clear
And so inciting,
Ecstasy for the ear.

Smothers, and screams.
A necessary, tenderness.
Tenaciously
bleeding open hearts.
Time stops.
Release is here.

A validity for sadness
It’s okay to come clean.
To hold still, in your brokenness
To know this darkness
And accept that it is dark, and dreary, and deafening.
To bask in your defeats.

You have not realized
How dry;
how thirsty you have been.
You wait and wait and wait and remember why
you needed this again.
Nov 2018 · 795
Reflect & Revise
Mallory Nov 2018
I’m doe eyed,
A deer in headlights for you.

You explain your nothingness to me and I swear it’s like looking into a mirror. Pressing ear to cup to hear clearer, through the worlds concrete walls.

She is so beautiful; so staining.
and maybe it never comes clean,
But I promise, it will fade.
I promise that with age,
and with time, this nothingness will change.

You are so careful of wanting me too closely, as if you’d been here before. As if it would be a reminder of her.

I feel you trying not to weigh on me.
Your heart is so heavy,
like a soaked sweater hanging off body,
after the rain.
You don’t have to worry about pouring it out on me.
Spilling your dark on me. I will sit with you until it’s dry. 
I will stay with you through the night.

I’m still doe eyed,
a deer in headlights,
for you.
Oct 2018 · 631
ǝɔuǝᴉlᴉsǝɹ
Mallory Oct 2018
I forget what love feels like
pure, genuine, innocent,
untouched by demons
kind of love. To not be unhealthily consumed by unreciprocated feelings, to not question my efforts in affection, to want and to feel freely. I forget, now I just get high and have conversations with myself about all my loves that I’ve left, and that left me. And how love can feel so good and so evil simultaneously. I wanna be sixteen again, to feel love without conditions or consequence. Back to the very beginning, to feel a love so simple, so free. To write my premature poetry. To have this one, good, untainted experience of love solely. Looking back to when self care, and optimism seemed so easy. Slow self destruction keeps me in purgatory. My heart is tired, fragile, and tender. When will I get to remember?
Aug 2018 · 387
Ado Lot
Mallory Aug 2018
Songs up loud,
ears bleed, to drown
out the sound
of you.
The last time we ******
it was rough...
cause you know I like it that way?
No. You were just trying to **** her off your mind.
Couldn’t drink her away.
You kept the lights on,
didn’t want to see her face.
I’m gonna feel you the next day and the next day.
I’m gonna see you spread out
on my neck,
to chest,
to heart.
You melted me down,
just to harden me up.
I know you love her,
but don’t look back,
you’ll turn to salt.

Pen in hand,

I turn to salt.
May 2018 · 188
Reification
Mallory May 2018
It's the way I drink my coffee now.
Not watered down, with cream and sugar,
but cut back,  
raw,
and strong.
I don't think it's wrong
to deny myself of this sweetness,
It only weighs me down anyway.
I'm used to it like this
now, anyway.

It's the way drinking translates
a moment to a dream state.
Every interaction flows
then fades,
like grade
school memories.
Existing outside the realm
of reality.

It pulls away, like it doesn't belong to me.
Like it needs room to breathe.
It sleeps,
and sleep talks,
and sleep walks,
then it wakes me up
and doesn't rest for days.

It sits, and waits,
until it's earned its place again.
It learns patience,
from a lot of practice, stretching itself thin.

It is stubborn,
and broken,
but it knows it.
And persists anyway.
This is not resilience
It is the weeds in my garden,
but it is beautiful anyway.
It only knows exisiting like this now, anyway.
Sep 2017 · 277
Flux
Mallory Sep 2017
I want to cultivate my being so bad,
Exponentially expand.
I want to maintain this cultivation,
And refrain from all the circumstances that make me sad.
I want to stand taller than anyone else thinks I can.
My resilience is infinite,
A uniqueness,
Like the swirls in your fingerprints and all the grains of sand.
My sadness is a part of me,
I don't owe an explanation,
When I need to be.
And when they don't understand,
I will know no one can, like I can.
No one will embrace my heart,
With tender hands, Like I can.
I am my own, standing loud,
barely breathing a word.
I am my own, and any defeat I face
is not my death; but my birth.
Aug 2017 · 635
Energy in, energy out
Mallory Aug 2017
My patience has been stretched inordinately thin,
My back bone has started to spear through my skin
and I will not snap it back in place
to make
you more comfortable.
I see through you
and your slimy, translucent, fins.
I promise I notice
every bit of effort you do not put in.
It sinks my heart into my stomach,
And every truth Ive been swallowing will be regurgitated and spit out before I am sick again.
My back feels like it's going to break from bending over all the cracks in your concrete,
While you step on mine,
Thinking you are somehow above me this way, but dear,
we all ***** the same.
Just in different places, and at different paces.
And I have been running down only one ways
lately.
But these roads don't lead me any closer to you, they drive you away, and if you think i can run forever,
While you stay the same,
You are grievously  
wrong.
I can only give so much.
And at the end of the day,
I will love the people who reciprocate that love back, and meet me halfway.
I will love you always,
but for a love that hurts more than it heals, I can not wait, and I will not stay.
Jun 2017 · 672
Fucking and love making
Mallory Jun 2017
You fornicate,
Like you're making love,
I know you don't have feelings for me
Obviously,
So **** me harder,
like you mean it, instead.
Like you understand the difference between *******, and intimacy.
Don't be soft towards me,
I know it doesn't mean anything.
I'm begging you to make me beg,
you can't even **** me off the bed.
Or **** me on the bed.
Grow up and make me sweat.
Do anything but pretend that this is more than just an animal thing.
A basic human instinct.
don't lie to me,
I'm already undressed under your sheets, I can feel you lying through your teeth,
Don't make it hard for me when I have to leave.
Don't suggest that you have feelings, Show me your dominance, and **** me properly.
Jun 2017 · 555
Morning's mirror
Mallory Jun 2017
Dirt under my nails
From trying to bail
out on reality
The night before.
Shakes, spins, sweats,
and I can't wrap my head
around the kind of self sabotage this is. If it's not helping me, it's hurting me.
If you're ignoring me,
don't think I won't leave
because I will.
My footsteps are heavy
and slow;
steady
I know.
but I have come a long way
plenty of suns before.
there is no way to go
that is too far.
no companion
that tries too hard
And nothing that grounds me more,
Than love.
Jun 2017 · 369
Drunk girl
Mallory Jun 2017
Drunk girl cries a lot because sober girl can't. Sober girl knows how to play her cards and twist her tongue so drunk girl seems more fun. So drunk girl seems under control.  So drunk girl doesn't get written off as lush. Doesn't get written off as addict. Doesn't get put into a frame of condescending looks lined with disdain, but not enough empathy to remember that drunk girl is still a girl. Still has feelings. Still knows that her answers aren't at the bottom of any bottle; She stopped asking questions a long time ago. Sober girl thinks maybe drunk girl can handle her liquor this time, because her tolerance is higher than all her friends. She's always higher than all her friends. But drunk girl hasn't been around in a while. Drunk girl can still drink you under the table. Drinking habits die hard. Drunk girl goes hard. Pushes her limits. Drinks herself sick. Drinks herself full. Sober girl tries to fill herself but turns inside out and empty. Sober girl knows people patronize drunk girl. They pity drunk girl. They taste sour in their mouth when they spit drunk girl. Their eyes burn memories into their brains, drunk girl forgets the night but drunk girl remembers the way people put themselves up on a pedestal so high they can't look into her eyes anymore to feel her heart beating. Despite the nails sticking into it. Because they aren't drunk girl. But they're still "blank" girl. They're still "whatever" girl. They're still "insert adjective here" girl. But drunk girl still needs love. The way anyone else does. Drunk girl is still girl who paints. Girl who sings. Girl who writes. Girl who thinks outside the box that everyone puts her in. Still doesn't judge anyone else for their release, or their "sins". Sober girl likes to stay in focus but sober girl doesn't feel love the way that drunk girl can. Doesn't feel loved the way drunk girl can pretend. People like to talk about how drunk, drunk girl's been, but still like going out drinking with drunk girl. They're careful of how much time they spend with sober drunk girl. Do not forget that drunk isn't all drunk girl is. Peel back the label you've plastered all over drunk girl, because reducing her down to drunk girl says less about her, than it does about you.
I wrote this from a bit of an ironic perspective, not sure how to feel about it yet
Jun 2017 · 599
12:34
Mallory Jun 2017
I bet you're wondering if I miss you or if I'm only just lonely.
I bet you it's neither one nor the other, It's both, honestly.

How do you describe an emptiness
That swallows you whole?
What does it feel like to be full?
What is the word for lack of emotional intimacy? Undeveloped feelings of affection and illiteracy
in the language of love?

How do you release in healthy ways?
How do you close your eyes,
At the end of the day
Without self eroding highs
And shaking hands that feel like standing still in an earthquake?

How do you believe in something
enough that you become it?

I bet you think I'm only just lonely or that I miss you a lot
I'd bet the opposite of both, but maybe I'm better off not.
May 2017 · 630
Haircut
Mallory May 2017
I have always hated
Cutting my hair
Any shorter than too long,
But this spring I
Left my locks behind,
And I started to become.
May 2017 · 335
Do's and do nots
Mallory May 2017
Do not look for him, Do not hope for him. When you remember that his name is concreted into every brick building, forget the language that you shared by any means necessary. Drink about it, smoke about it, write about it. Then heal about it. Every curve of every sidewalk Is an involuntary chance to see him so shove the feelings so far down your throat you can barely breathe, and then don't breathe. Let it choke you until you've killed this sick compulsion inside of you to be something someone will fall in love with. Don't breathe until he is dead to you, but don't let it **** you first. **** it. Along with your need to be heard and to be seen by people who don't give a **** about you. Hold your stomach down when you see him or hear his name in other people's mouths, don't let it do somersaults, ***** open your ribs and reach inside with your bare hands to hold it calm, If you have to. Become better from this, take your bitterness and let it turn you compunctious of being bitter. Be stronger. Do not let your knees buckle under the weight of him. Do not pretend it doesn't sting, because it stings like salt on wounds,
But remember who you are
and what you want. Do not self destruct, do not collapse everything holding you together because a man could not cradle your mind in his hands, or feel your heart against his.
May 2017 · 119
Thinking bout you
Mallory May 2017
Tension built for
Quite some time
Maybe I liked the way you smiled
Or you liked mine
Something about tall dark and handsome
Looks good on you
Something about your attitude
Turns me on
But my need to be validated by you
Turns me off.
Turns me sour,
Turns me soft,
for love.
You talking,
to tasting me,
tasted so sweet.
You felt like familiar company,
courage, and contentment.
Enough for me to feel like
falling in love again.
You melted a part of me
That I kept frozen ever since I met you.
Kept hidden, ever since I knew. I can still smell your
shampooed
hair, your estrangement to emotional attachment lingering
in the air; the way *** does.
Or maybe that was my inability to reciprocate the right
emotions in the right moments.
I wish you had kept me around,
long enough for your window to defog, or long enough for me to keep up with the life you live; that I long.
I wish you weren't just
Another person that I have to move on from, now.
Love *** life regret movingon feelings heartbreak,
Feb 2017 · 341
Beats
Mallory Feb 2017
I just wanna listen to music
and ****,
leave my heart out of the equation
don't put it all on the table,
feel the electric beat pumping through,
feeling you
feeling me.
I don't long for you anymore
But I wonder where you are,
Where are you?
Somewhere far away from our place,
but I'm over it, I ate my cake
and I still have it too
I still see, I still hear, but I'm far removed from you.
If we come together through the beat,
I won't have to love you emotionally
I won't have to leave
It up to fate.
Take my hand and spin me around
back and forth, give and take
like two machines, like a new age, or a new era,
I'm feeling fresh
and I want what he has,
yeah I want what he has,
want to run around and have some fun with his hands having fun with my hands,
I just wanna be
everything
I've ever wanted to be,
I just wanna be
the music and ****,
I just wanna have some fun
dancing with my feet
put some on my tongue
and feel the beat in me.
Oct 2016 · 315
Tell me where it hurts
Mallory Oct 2016
I'm sick, I couldn't point to where it hurts on my body, but it feels like...the stomach flu, the kind that ends up killing you.
It feels like every fever that you can't sweat out, when you wake up covered in blankets trying so hard to be warm, but your body can only manage to perspire ice. Its all the cracked mirrors, all the broken pieces, the taste of blood and lungs exhausted from trying to cough whatever is trapped inside, out. Lungs running on empty trying to sprint, but too heavy, like shaking hands that only liquor can steady, like dancing until your feet are swollen because you need to feel something again. If you asked me if I was okay, I'd want to tell you that I can't articulate what I really want to say, something reaches up from inside me and claws the words from my throat, steals them like I am rich, and feeds self loathing back to me like I am poor. I can't point to where it hurts on my body, because it hurts everywhere. It's like trying to pull out all the rusted nails, that you spent so long building with. It's waking up in the middle of the night from a bad dream and your heart is beating faster than you can comprehend reality. It's kneeling over the toilet waiting for the darkness to leave, waiting to feel empty, because feeling hollow is better than being full of lies. and grief, and forgotten memories. Its like loving someone halfway, who never meets you halfway. My body can no longer tell the difference between the good and the bad, it annihilates everything in its path, exponentially regresses, reducing to nothing. I'm sick, and I can't show you how to help me, because I can't point to where it hurts on my body.
Oct 2016 · 782
Nothing
Mallory Oct 2016
I am nothing. I feel nothing, lay down and become anything else but everything existing. I become the blankets and the pillows; still, and always inanimate, but soft, feathery, floating. I exist in my head, in your pipe, in my memories, burning away to nothing. I'm not real, right and wrong have no definitive lines and I am wrong all the time, nothing and wrong and right and tired. I sleep and become my dreams, all I want to do is sleep because I don't exist in this life. I don't exist by any means, If there is no evil, only absence of good, then I am empty; hollow. Someone cut me opened and scooped all the real and good things out, carved me like a pumpkin, and smashed me when the candle burnt out. Smashed me because I burned too loud, or not loud enough. Love slips through me the way sand slips through your hands even when you hold tightly. It would take me infinity to reciprocate any affection given to me, so it's easier to leave than to wait. I'm bruised with good intentions that keep spreading across my body and anytime something good touches me, it hurts. Anytime I feel anything, it hurts. So I became nothing. I am always nothing.
Sep 2016 · 236
Absent
Mallory Sep 2016
Through his scent of smoke and my perfume, I'm thinking of how this reminds me of you. Smokey rooms and root beer floats, he invites me in and takes off my coat. He couldn't hold a candle to you, but at least he was holding me. He wants to kiss me, my mind and my body are hesitant at first, being with anyone but you ******* hurts. but i can't be alone tonight and he feels better than putting up a fight again, with myself about loving you. It keeps spilling out of me like someone's gutted me, ripped me apart, and he can't put me back together again, can't fix me like you can, but he holds my hand until it gets dark. Holds my hands that are covered in my own blood from trying to keep myself together. I don't have the guts to look him in the eyes, I turn my face to the side, and watch the shadows on the wall. I didn't rest my head on his chest to hear his heart beating, because it doesn't mean anything, to me. I didn't intertwine my legs with his, because my heart is intertwined with someone else's lips, someone else's hands, someone else's heart. But it doesn't matter anyway, you don't want to me yesterday, tomorrow, or today. I'm thinking about how everyone reminds me of you, thinking about all of their bedrooms. Wondering if you remember the smell of my perfume, because no matter how hard I try to scrub myself clean, no matter how many people I let see me, who dont se me, I can't get rid of you.
Mallory Aug 2016
I'm in love with all the things you do, the way you move. I'm in love with us dancing your body on me and my body on you, I'm in love with every memory, I'm in love with every tune. In love with your melody, I think you're my muse. I don't love you but I'm in love with my **** for you, in love in the dark for you, but you're scared of the dark and I'm in love with you. You are the dark, and I'm in love with you, I'm in love with your hands writing lines on my hands, in love with the feeling of feeling used, I don't love you, but I'm in love with this place that I went with you, And I can't go back to that place because you don't want too. I'm in love with the way you remind me of my family, I'm in love with the way your family was to me, I'm in love with your house I'm in love with your couch, and laying in love with you. I'm in love with the way I was innocent to you, in love with the way I got drunk with you, got undressed with you. I'm in love with 4ams with you, in love with your room in love with how you love the rain, I learned to love rain too. I don't love you, but I'm in love with laughing with you and talking with you. I'm in love with laying under the stars with you, laying close to you, with my hand on your heart and our legs tangled vines, I've fallen in love with all of you. In love with the music, in love with how you were new, in love with a boy I thought I knew, I don't love you. I'm in love with the idea that you'll come back someday, because you did once before, Even though your intentions weren't pure, I fell in love with you that night, in love with the way you gave me your t-shirt, in love with your stories, in love with you wanting to hold me. In love with the way I always get hurt. in love with the sound of every song, every line, everything you've done wrong is why I'm still in love with being sad and in love with you, because you left, And being in love with you is all I have left of you.
This poem is a little bit too much
Mallory Aug 2016
It's every time i hear "baby" spilling off lips that aren't his, every time i kiss someone, and it tastes like talking in tongues, because it isn't him. Every time it rains, every window sill, it's delicate, every cigarette, every time I think I see his face, every place, that he loved me. It's every song by catfish and the bottlemen, every metal cover band, every drive, every minivan. It's every beach we never went to, every time the sunset feels warmer in my heart than on my skin. Every time their hands slide down my waist they don't waste their time like he did. Every sip of liquor on my lips, every drug every daze. Every May June July August, every haze. Every word, every bird that sounds like waking up in the morning with him. Every street we made ours at night, every firefly. Every time I pretend spilling ink on a page spelling love as his name will help me bleed him out. Every time I bleed myself dry. Every time I should let go but I don't even try, to. Every time before he left; before I loved him. Every cloudy, overcast seven AM. Everything that reminds me of ****, and love and *** and sin,
Everything that reminds me of him.
Aug 2016 · 1.0k
the strokes
Mallory Aug 2016
If you cut me open and turned me inside out you would find his name tangled up in my veins, and my heart would beat to the rhythms of his favorite band. I think that would be an accurate way to describe love...if my name was the oxygen in his blood, But his heart doesn't beat to the sound of me, so a more accurate thing to call it would be poison or toxicity. I don't want to love someone that lives universes away, lives forever in 17, and only touches me in 18. That person does not exist in this world, in this here and this now, he does not exist. He left me in an insane asylum and blocked all the exits. I want to stop this virus that has sprouted within me, **** myself, stop breathing, because my air is polluted with his smoke and my heart can barely hold its own. He's so different now, the way life is, but he doesn't even see me, doesn't breath near me, doesn't need me the way I need him. And I'm different now, and I wanna show him how maybe he could love this me. Maybe he'd fall in love with this me cause I want him with me, want him in my car when I listen to the bands he told me about and I wanna play him all the bands that I know now, cause he'd love them. And then maybe he would look at me again. Maybe I could tell him about a book I read, but I haven't read one since he left. The sun has gone in a full rotation around this earth and no matter how many times I've swallowed the stars and soaked up the sun, if you cut me open today his breath would still be creeping off my tongue, his favorite books would still be written inside my hands, and my heart...
would still beat to the rhythms of his favorite band.
Aug 2016 · 215
Baby again
Mallory Aug 2016
I wanna be your baby again
Want you to hold me again,
Make me feel like a ******* flower,
Protect me like your crown.
I want you to drown,
me again,
In your affection.
I want you to miss me so bad.
Won't you call me darling and kiss me in the morning again?
Give me your t-shirt to stay, pretend we can be friends.
And...
tell me you're sorry.
Why can't who you were with me be the way that you are completely.
Why the
****
Did you Love me like that,
just to leave me.
I wanna see you scared
of losing me.
I ******* hate you but I wanna ****
you again.
Feel you close again,
Make you beg,
beneath me.
Everything about you makes me so ******* angry.
I want to walk with you,
And talk with you,
I want to be quiet in the world with you.
Ive been looking for you in every man I meet, I don't want a glimpse to be all we share between,
Us.
It's a ******* knife in my side,
dull
like everyone else I've ******
to forget how it feels to touch someone who broke my ******* heart.
I wanna be your baby again.
Want you to want me again.
I want you to feel sorry for forgetting me, but you're not enough of a man.
And I'd still let you break me again,
Just to be your baby again.
Aug 2016 · 264
Perceptions
Mallory Aug 2016
I do not believe I have the courage to change, I can't see past the summer anyway, through a hazy, hot, long drought, it somehow feels like the end. My thoughts have turned against me, perceiving people in ways where they hurt me, dissonance in disconnecting my relationships with everyone around me.

I am changing? Twisting and turning Down dark corners turning into dull corners, never seeing the same things
But never seeing anything different.
Although, the sunshine at the end, feels so warm.  

like the way his voice sounded waking up In the morning.

or the way it feels to lay on the beach, with the sun beating down on your back, and the sand between your feet, like waking up to hear the birds chirping while the sun is waiting to make its grand arrival. The last stars are twinkling, and the air is breathing baby's breath, and forget me nots. My birds are this moment, and my sun is breaking through the horizon, The world is quiet, and soft, and the only human interactions are insanity. There is no one, that can take a step back with me, change their perception of me, shatter their reality. No one can love me or love like me, or is broken like me, nobody's pieces let me in, and nobody's pieces can see into me.

I didn't break right.

But there is no right way to be broken.
There is no right way to be healed.
You always lose either way that your heart feels. And I know to change is worth it, more than anything in this world, but I can not find the strength to turn myself inside out. Can not find the strength to change, I think I'll be here forever, stuck In the summer, in this dizzy, sweltering haze.
Jul 2016 · 213
I want to leave
Mallory Jul 2016
I'm so irreparably broken, like the way your voice sounds when you're swallowing spoonfuls of sadness, force feeding yourself "don't cry" and "keep it together." I want to leave, all the trees by my house are starting to look the same, I've smudged the whole summer together with drugs, and the make up of my anatomy does not have enough sober love, to keep my heart beat steady. This whole year has been a long day that I can't separate, events spiraling up and down, crescendoing in the worst and best ways. The higher I fly the lower I fall, and I've been flying pretty ******* high lately, pretty while I cry lately. And I cant figure out how to live with myself lately. I want to shed this skin that has been stained by everyone that's left me. Peel it back so someone will see me bleeding. Their hands are closing around my throat and clawing at my face dropping weights on my body, crushing me beneath the surface, into the ground, further and further, I want to leave, and I can feel their venom spread through my body the way the tide creeps in, except this tide doesn't just roll back out. It destroys everything in its path. Like a tsunami getting ready to do the real damage; this is only the calm before the storm. Evolving hurts, transition hurts, maybe Its just growing pains. But If this is my chrysalis, then someone please cut me open and let me die because being whole is not worth these growing pains. I'm tired of loving people more than they love me. Number one isn't a synonym for my name in any of my lovers, friends or family's vocabulary.
I want my love back, cause you can't make something from nothing and I am always nothing to you. Or not enough something to matter, not enough anything for anyone to require my heart. Please let me leave, let me drive into the sun until my sins feel like the fire that keeps me going. Until the dead winter inside of me melts into my lungs and I no longer need to breathe. This earth is so ******* beautiful,
but I want to leave.
Jul 2016 · 230
to you
Mallory Jul 2016
I'm sitting alone in my room
Listening to a band you introduced me to, The way the sun is setting reminds me of laying next to you, In your dark blue sheets, you're body spilling over me. And the way I rested my head, I could feel your heartbeat. And I keep thinking about how much I don't want to listen to these songs with anyone else but you. And i keep thinking about how I lost everything to you, around this time last year. How I miss the drives to your house, and how your hands felt under my blouse. And I miss the way you looked at me like I was something brand new. I miss seeing your hands tapping on the steering wheel listening to the songs I introduced to you. I miss your bed, and I miss the way you'd kiss me when we were so drunk that we were stumbling back to your place, and we couldn't quite see straight. I miss being lost with you. I miss your laugh and the way your arms wrapped around my body, and the way you made me feel like not just anybody, to you,
I miss your house, and your brother and your sister. I miss falling without considering the landing, because it felt a lot more like flying. I miss your smile, and you singing along to your favorite songs when driving me home wasn't something you hated to do.
I'm sitting alone in my room,
Listening to new songs from a band you introduced me to,
And it breaks my heart that I'm not listening to them with you.
Jul 2016 · 183
Stuck
Mallory Jul 2016
Will I always be like this? Will I always be stuck mourning moments And memories, that lie like Mirrors? And hurt like mornings when facing the world is worse than the words you've sewn into my sides. Worse than leaving me like nothing, After staying the night? Will You always taste like a sour candy that I can't quite swallow? you'd have to **** certain parts of me to stop trying.  Will I always find you on specific days, When the sun is shining or setting on the sand? spring showers surely bring me back to loving you, or you loving me, and spring comes with new beginnings, But all beginnings end, and cutting ties hasnt changed that my heart can not make amends with being whole. Will my sadness always peel itself back, paving perfect paths to missing the parts of you that didn't hurt me? Picking me apart and Separating me, as if you are a god and I am the sea? Will I always be stuck knowing which one it is when you Look at me with love or **** but never letting you go enough to erase every feeling of ecstasy you ever gave me?
Will I ever move on from the reconstructed memories that are always under construction, So I never have to admit how agonizing it is to have a part of me waiting for a wrongly remembered, worthless, withering excuse of a human being, who has no guilt, no shame, no eyes that can ever really see me, Can ever really see, my heart. You were my favorite melody, melting me so mercilessly, molding me so delicately, dancing with me until the drums switched beats, until the beat of my heart wasn't strong enough to hold myself together, until you got tired of the way the tune sounded, until you tore me up and tacked your name to my throat, So now anytime I try to sing, Im stuck screaming the sounds that you never intended to sing along with me.
Mallory Jun 2016
Time does not heal all wounds,
It softens the blow
That hit you so many years ago.

And you think its supposed to hurt less, But it doesn't.
It just hurts less often.

Because life gets in the way,
And even though your feet are nailed in all the places that he held you,
You have to move forward.

And you tell yourself over and over again
That it never meant anything to him,

And you know he never loved you
But *******, you wish he could have.

And you can't think about it too often or for too long, because you've spent all this time trying to forget that your heart breaks every time you remember how you are infinitely...

nothing to him.

That you do not cross his mind like you crossed your fingers
when you told yourself you didn't love him.

And maybe you didn't love him,
But *******, you could have.

And after all this time, you think you're supposed to feel whole again,
You think moving on is supposed to be different,

You think maybe it means something, cause you've been stuck for so long,
But you ignore that your hands are bleeding
from holding on.

Because you tell yourself that, time will heal these wounds.
Mallory Jun 2016
I want to love my body the way I thought I loved you, because I am a piece of art that you do not get to understand, And no ones hands, can touch me with love the way that I can,
I can't help it if not ******* you makes me selfish, It's just that you don't understand me like I do. When my thoughts come out all Jumbled, and my heart can't love right because it's bruised, nobody gets it like I do. And I don't want hands that can't understand my humility, all over my body, I don't want kisses from lips that don't speak the same language that I think. And I don't want the way you smell to linger with me, when I'm trying to remember how it felt to love myself. Which I have always had trouble with. Somewhere between the bathroom floor with my fingers down my own throat, and wanting to slice open my skin and jump off a bridge, I've realized that only I'm worth my time. I'm trying to remind myself that the freckles on my face are the glow in the dark stars that kept me safe at night, and that the rolls on my stomach are waves tiding the earth. But it's hard when you're lonely
to be with somebody,
When all you really want is to be with somebody. And I could love the way you talk about your best friend, or the way you think silence is always awkward, or the way you laugh, or the way you do this or that, But you wouldn't love a **** thing about me, So i won't let you get under my sheets, The way you got under my skin,
You don't get to touch me again,
And you don't get to love me,
The way you wish somebody loved you. And I don't want anyone to have me, If they don't understand.

And they don't ever really understand.
the structure of this poem is ****** af #sorrynotsorry
May 2016 · 272
Smudged
Mallory May 2016
I want to clean you out of my memory,
Take your hands off my body
And untangle myself from your legs, so tightly wrapped around me.
I want to erase you from life,
And I don't want you on my mind,
I pray that I leave you behind,
when I leave this house.
And if I burn my sheets
Then maybe I won't feel you
haunting me, and
touching me
in my dreams.
I want to take my body back
And make it only mine
I want to turn the hands on the clock, go back in time, to when no one was worthy enough to love me this way.
Because I don't love me this way.
I want to take your hands and peel them off my body,
Because I don't need somebody to **** me, I need someone to love me,
And it's not you.
And Your smell lingers in the air
After nights when I thought this is what I wanted,
But waking up to your unfamiliar scent
And an empty bed,
Leaves me feeling off, and uneasy.
"Beautiful" from you has never made me feel pretty,
You don't even ******* know me.
You can ****** my hair and call me baby, but hearing these things from a
strangers mouth
Makes me want to stick my fingers down my throat and empty myself
of everything that reminds me of
You, and him, and everyone that's ever left me broken.
There is no passion here
No love here,
And I feel mostly empty these days,
Mostly Empty space, just like matter.
But it never seems to matter.
I keep telling myself that I've grown metal bars over my heart, Because I need to protect what has become delicate, torn and tattered.
But if there are bars over my heart why
Am I so ******* sad all the time? Why does my heart feel so irreparably broken?
I have tried to erase everyone and everything that has ever hurt me out of
my life, but no matter what I do I always lose. I can't let go of anyone long enough to Clean myself of this darkness. I look to find pieces of me in everyone else, And I do find pieces of me in everyone else, But people always leave, And it's like there are chains constantly tugging at my heart when I lose these parts of me.
Mar 2016 · 308
Do you miss it?
Mallory Mar 2016
Don't you miss it? Before we had our first kisses, When staying up till 4am Was beds made out of Blankets on the floor, When parties were something unfamiliar, And all we were sure of was each other. Don't you miss waking up When your mom was just a few steps outside your bedroom door, There's nothing that makes me feel quite this way anymore. Don't you miss, The innocence, Before we let strangers touch our bodies, Before we let Devils rest in our souls, Remember when laughter was louder than our own heartbeats, Before the rhythm of the drum outside the doors was pumping through our veins, Before we poisoned our bodies with things we swore we'd never do, Before we let boys hold guns
And swallowed the bullets thinking they couldn't hurt us this way. Don't you miss your first crush, How the butterflies flew towards the sun and took us with them. No one gives me butterflies like that anymore. Don't you miss your backyard, Running around until it was dark, Swinging under the stars, When comfort was home cooked meals and apple pie, And your pillowcase held all your dreams, secrets and tears, And your biggest fears were the monsters in your closet. When 5 o clock was 6 places set around the table, And no one was sad. And no one was broken. Don't you miss when Sunday's were for family and Not for pounding headaches, And kneeling over toilet seats, From the night before. Before you realized your parents hands shake just as much as yours when they're terrified. When you didn't think anyone could break your heart so bad that your body would hurt. Don't you miss when your best friend lived down the street from you, And this small town was all you needed And all you knew. When your whole world Was your 4 block neighborhood And only bad people did bad things. When love was holding hands, And walking home, Before it was about *** and drugs and rock and roll. Before we realized we were empty Before we had to search for our souls, Before we needed someone else to make us feel like home. Don't you miss dancing in the living room, singing until your lungs couldn't take it anymore, Before we filled our lungs with other things, When we didn't need anything but a couple of friends to reach our highest highs, And we would jump back higher from our lowest lows. Don't you wish you could take back your innocence that the world stole away, Don't you miss it?
Dec 2015 · 424
515
Mallory Dec 2015
515
I wish I could string all our memories together in a straight line, so I could pick apart the times
And remember that I never loved you.
Nostalgia is a liar, and if I could read our memories from front to back like a book, it'd be easier to remember all the times you let me down,
it'd be easier to put you on a shelf.
I remember the good memories like poetry; over romanticized. Like the first time you really kissed me.
The light of the tv, casting shadows. Hiding the dark parts of who we were, how you placed your hand on my jaw and tilted my head up so delicately like I was a china doll
that you didn't want to break,
like I was sunshine you wanted to taste,
But were hesitant because you loved the rain.
Like the time in spring, we laid under the stars in the backyard,
And you seemed so happy,
To finally have me.
Or the time I played my music in your car, and you fell in love with every song.
I’m only distorting the memories  because you were never really what I wanted 
and this way,
 I can remember you the way I wanted you.
I wish I could go back, and make time stand still, like how the snow makes everything quiet at night, and time just seems to stop, and everything is calm, Its like the line in that song "I wish that we could go nowhere, one last time."
But I was cheap wine and you were havana, and I tasted good until we both got sick.
I drank enough to blur the lines between **** and love,
Because I wanted you to be enough.
And you kept up to blur the lines between commitment and fun. And distractions, and love.
And you smoked enough cigarettes
To pretend that you were tough.
I'm sorry for the times you had to be tough. I'm sorry for all the times your dad beat you up.
Even after everything, I still believe you have a good heart.
And Sometimes I wish you would hold me again, and kiss me again, and trace circles on my hand, and let me rest my head on your chest, but sometimes I wish for the simple things, sometimes I wish we could just talk, but we can't. Because I'd tell you how you're a scared little boy, and you would tell me how I'm ****** up and that I'm a *****, And I know that I was icy and that my hands turned to fists, but please see that I was hurting. Please understand that I was trying.
Desperately to stay alive.
missing you has become a part of me.
It comes so naturally
To look for you in every passing car
And at every party.
I try to be loud enough for you to hear me, But my loudest screams are barely a whisper to your ears.
And I can't listen to certain songs anymore cause they feel too much like you.
And I can't kiss anyone else because they don't feel enough like you.
And I like to think that you cut yourself on my sharp edges, but I only did that to myself. you never got close enough for me to even make a mark.
And now all I have left of you are these scars.
I'm just another one on the list of girls you never loved, another one on the list of girls you ******.
And I want to hate you so much.
And I do hate you so much,
But I miss you more.
Oct 2015 · 750
To be in limbo
Mallory Oct 2015
I'm drowning and I reach my hand out, wanting to grasp yours, but all I grasp is air / I've always been good at swimming, but you've tied my hands behind my back and chained my feet together / And I've always been good at being happy, but sadness is addictive / And it's easier to give in, eaiser to be angry, easier to be vindictive / As I continue my departure from the life above me, memories of you flood over me, like the water flooding my lungs / Like the songs sung, so loud in your car Like the thump thump thumping of your cruel, hollow heart And I only feel alive when I'm on the verge of dying, I've subconsciously learned to disconnect / And I've gotten good at pretending, that my emotions and body are separate / Im really good at silence, I don't even have to bite my tongue, I stay silent, because every thought I have is more ****** up than the last one / The light is fading, and the water, is getting darker now, but I don't mind, because it reminds me of the night sky / and the stars,
And it doesn't look like your eyes / anymore / I've tried scraping you off the walls of  my heart, But you stick to me like tar /  You suffocate me, and I have to breath deeper with every beat/ Just to survive you / I've tried numbing you out of my head
With liquor, always more than the time before / with a few more parties, strangers leading strangers through strangers doors / Even through the dark, the blurry, and the numb / your name exists so loudly and I'm starting to come undone / I've tried to swallow the fire, but it reminds me of your cigarettes / and that leads to lips that I won't ever taste again /
And this is where I reside, in between you, in between me, infinitely floating through gray skies of our memories
a bunch of drafts thrown together to make a *******, unfinished poem. It's supposed to end abruptly, to feel unfinished.
Oct 2015 · 785
Memory like a sieve
Mallory Oct 2015
Remember that you did not love him.

remember that you never loved him,
and that he never loved you.
Remember that you were angry, exhausted, terrified, and fighting for someone to love you, and he did not love you.
Remember that his best was not good enough.
Remember the words he said, and remember no matter how many times he looked at you, he did not see you.
He never saw you.
Remember that you are strong.
Remember who you were before him, before you were angry, exhausted, terrified and crazy.
Remember how he only moved mountains for you to adjust his own view.
Remember what they told you, and how it came true.
Remember the way you felt when you were angry, exhausted, terrified and needy, and how you only felt that way with him.
Remember all the sunrises and sunsets before him, and remember that there will be an infinite amount of sunrises and sunsets after him.
Remember that it’s okay to miss him.
Remember that he does not miss you.
Remember that you will find someone again, who makes you laugh the way he did, and remember that you will find someone who does not keep you waiting, remember that you will find someone who does not keep you guessing, who does not keep you angry.
Remember you will find someone who makes you happy.
Remember you can be happy without him, without anyone.
When you are lonely, and tired, and wanting the familiar touch of his arms, the taste of his lips, his hand on your back, his music playing as you drive, when you want to laugh with him, not one last time, but all the time, remember that you did not love him.

And he did not love you.
Sep 2015 · 326
packing your things
Mallory Sep 2015
cigarette smoke,
hands,
almost watching on the stands,
star wars,
baseball
snowflakes fall,
hands,
lines on hands,
lines in books.
lying under the stars,
lying.
4 am, tangled sheets,
4 months ago you wanted me.
drinking,
laughter,
drunken ever afters.
holding hands,
holding you,
holding me,
bands,
metal bands
metal heart.
a simple start,
kissing in the dark,
talking in the dark,
Darkness all around me.
early mornings,
driving,
red lights.
Early nights,
walking,
fights.
Fireflies,
fire,
moonlight.
Speeding,
heart beating,
Coming around the bend,
laying on your chest,  
Coming to end.
running out of time.
singing songs,
ticking,
Timing,
Leaving,
Gone.
Aug 2015 · 625
Sick
Mallory Aug 2015
I see it in his eyes, glazed over, like
Something died inside
And it did, "to be sick is a sin"

I hear it in her voice
She seldom talks anymore
"It is what it is"
I see it slowly seeping in,

To the open cuts across their hearts
And it burns all the tears away,
They leave town every now and then just to escape
But they left me here, to face the days

On my own.

They can't live in the moment because it hurts too much,
And I understand because it's a broken love

But they forgot to love me.

And I understand, because he's a broken man, Illness seeping out every inch of his body
But they forgot, that I once carried
a heavy weight that left scars upon me

And lately the scars are hurting.
Actually they never stopped
For a second, they just felt numb
And even with him gone,

I'm still forgotten.

But that's just how it goes
When someone gets sick,
When darkness invades your home,

It centers, and spirals the host it manifests itself in
And anyone else that is sick
Goes unnoticed
And that's the real sin
May 2015 · 4.8k
Fuck you
Mallory May 2015
*******
for pretending I betrayed you
when you were never in love with me

you were in love with some
made up, fabricated idea of me
I stopped being who you wanted when I stopped being happy

and ******* for expecting me to stay the same
******* for not understanding people change
******* cause all you did was talk, you never did anything you said you would, and you kinda ******* ****.

******* for making me feel guilty when you were depressed
and ******* for the time I said no and you still brought me to your bed

******* for when you didn't understand
that I lost my brother, I see demons in the form of him everyday,
******* for having nothing good to ever say

******* for flirting with everyone else and ******* for being mad that I finally chose myself

******* for your empty promises
you were never someone I could trust
and ******* for making me feel like I was never enough

******* and your ****** up mind,
I hope you realize I'm so much better off now
so ******* for wasting my time
May 2015 · 769
games
Mallory May 2015
Its all about the chase.

we are pieces
in our very own game
both burning, yet tending to the flame
we’re so hot, that our hearts will never touch
but we let our hands wander
we let ourselves ****

and you touch me
so softly
and you trace my skin
mindlessly
and I can hear
your heartbeat
and beside you
is where I wanna be

but not too close.

and our legs, are intertwined
lips pressed against necks
your hand
in mine.
pushed close, so fast
like we’re running out of time

no one really talking
but the silence is just what we need
mind over matter
never works for me

I crave exactly this.

and we’re just pieces
in this made up game
and we’re bending the rules
and going insane

staying out late
searching for other people
that curve into us just right
Searching for something that makes playing worth it
and for a moment we get lost in time
and for a moment we feel like more than just pieces
in this game
for a moment we feel alive
this poem is kinda all over the place
May 2015 · 889
fantasies
Mallory May 2015
I am lost in my dreams
infatuated with everyone I meet
and I want to be your dream
endlessly obsessed with people wanting me

I want to break your heart
and make you fall at my feet
make you beg for mercy
make you beg for me

I'll turn everyone I touch
and everything you love
into stardust
and I'm when done
you'll be in love

with me.
and when I leave
you'll only ever hear from me in your dreams

cause love doesn't exist you see
its a made up game,
a fantasy
Apr 2015 · 551
shots
Mallory Apr 2015
pour me another shot, cause I'm feeling a little shy
its been far too long, since together we died

pour me another shot cause I need to feel its warmth before I can feel yours,  I forget what its like to love,  because now I'm only just a corpse

pour me another shot so I can kiss you without shaking
pour me another shot, so I can pretend its love we’re making
this is old but I liked it it so hey whats up hello here it is
Feb 2015 · 317
Untitled
Mallory Feb 2015
I'd rather *******,
Than say I love you, Again,
Cause we're lovers
not friends

And if it's ride or die, I'd rather be dead
Just like my insides,
Or the thoughts in my head

No more sacrifices
**** that
No more being small
No ******* way I'm going back

I'm ******* sick
But at least I'm alone
I'm ******* crazy
But I can hold my own

And I'd rather be independent
Than ****** at all
And I'd rather be ****** in the head
Than be waiting for your call

But you're just what I need
The poison I breath
you're sinking sand
The ground beneath my feet

But i'd rather love myself
Than be ******* you
And loving someone else

And I'd rather be your lover
Than your friend
Cause all love stories come to an end
Jan 2015 · 701
Home
Mallory Jan 2015
Sometimes I find pieces of you
lodged in my heart, like shards of glass that shattered that night,
And one second I want you
and the next I don't,
I think I know what I feel, it's you
It's an airport
It's your basement
It's your lips
Your touch
The beat of your heart
and nothing has ever been this hard before,
And I keep wishing my heart would match my head
But all my secrets end up spilling out instead
And I love you
But to what do I compare?
no other lips have touched mine
No other hand has held mine
So how do I know I want you?
If you're all I've ever known?
I want you,
Because you're all I know,
You're all I've touched,
And I so desperately want that to be enough
And I hope when I see you that my heart drops to the floor
And I'll know for sure you're what I want
And I can finally come home
Jan 2015 · 190
idk
Mallory Jan 2015
idk
I'm more confused than I've ever been
and my heart's a broken mess
and when I try to to clean up the pieces, I just break more instead

I don't think I can ever let you go, because you're still
etched into my skin
like a tattoo that I've tried to remove
and even though you're gone, you've still left scars
all over my body

I keep replaying all our memories
and I keep thinking about how familiar you are
and how well we fit in each others arms

but then I think about how I cant be with you
because I have to figure my **** out
and I have to be on my own
so I've been trying to keep busy but I always end up alone

and I keep trying to find something
In a bottle, In a cigarette
In someone else's touch

but everything I touch seems to get ****** up
so I don't know what I feel
and I dont know what I want
Dec 2014 · 322
61
Mallory Dec 2014
61
the summer feels like a dream, that I want to dream again, so I fall asleep, but only to wake up burning in all the places you've ever touched me,
because I haven't seen you months,
and the only relief,
is your ice cold hands, that are as cold as your heart

and you've said sorry about a million times
but sorry will not make me stop feeling like I'm lying in an open battle field with my chest ripped open as your words fly into me like bullets

that taste so sweet, just like your lips,
and I wish you didn't hurt me,
so I could love you freely
without a cage closing around my heart
every time it beats

and the days are long when I'm not busy, but everyday I want to feel you pull me close
and I just want to collapse into your arms, because I know its a safe place to fall

and I'm falling

and I know you'll catch me, from a thousand miles away
but right before I crash into your lips, I wake up, and remember you are gone and its hurts, but I still crave you more than words can explain

and if I'm being honest, your hands were never icy, nor was your heart,
It was the distance that tore me apart
and I just want to feel your warmth
because then all the hurt will fade away,
and I guess what I'm trying to say
is:

i miss you
Dec 2014 · 675
Empty house
Mallory Dec 2014
In this empty house very little sun seeps in,
and in this empty house there is darkness where light should have been

In this empty house shards of glass lay all around
And in this empty house I don't dare make a sound

In this dark hallway picture frames hang crooked on the walls
and in this dark hallway I am careful not to fall

on the nails that stick up from the floor
or the wreckage left from when it stormed

In this empty stairway, ghosts of all of us play
and in this eerie stairway everything has changed

In this empty house are reminders of what you did
and in this empty house are figments of what should have been

In this misconceived house of dreams
I see an **** riddled house where my ghost likes to roam
and in this empty house, all I really want
is to go home
Dec 2014 · 3.3k
Secrets
Mallory Dec 2014
You better keep your mouth shut
or everyone will know
you better keep your guard up
don’t tell a soul

because if you tell, or if you show
then everyone will know

Internalize it, because you cant trust anyone
these days
Even if they seem sincere,
remember not to cave

When you think your tongue might give
you away
remember that later on,
you’ll have to pay

**** them all,
they don’t need to know
**** it all,
shut your mouth and go

get out of this town,
before you ******* drown
In all the ******* everyone’s
talking about

Just keep your secrets locked away
sew your mouth shut and take them to the grave
posted this a while ago but then I deleted my account so here it is again

— The End —