I’m rocking back and forth against the hull of my loneliness,
Stuck in knowing it’s goodbye
But not being able to say I love you
or I’m sorry.
I’m crying with joy and longing as I lie in the love and conversation around me,
Wishing it were my own.
I’ve been high so long my heart rate stopped going down with the sun.
Going over it all all over and over all the time.
I feel like a child again, terrified by the world, the dark, the wind.
I’m breaking down in the line at the gas station.
Looking out the glass wall at a Lovecraftian highway,
Flickering florescent lights like the ones from The Exorcist.
On my way to a cavernous husk of a family dinner,
Most of them gone now.
Just me, my mother, and my widowed, bereaved, great aunt.
There’s a stupid old cardboard cutout of a mascot next to me grinning too widely, holding up its product.
I scream and tear it’s head off it’s body
In my mind.
I have work on Monday.
This is life.
I watch the world and it leaves static on my eyes.
I start to panic when the future’s realised.
I really wish that I could read your mind.
I’m like a child.
We are too small and powerless to make any promises.
We are blinded by diamonds and heavenly goddesses.
Id rather imagine I’m in an endless kiss,
Than let my eyes adjust,
to how dark it is.
It’s cold outside.
So cold outside.
Let me lie in your bed so I can rest my mind,
And tell me a story not true but kind,
Though I’d rather know your every lie,
Give me a dream to hide inside.
Nice things people have said about me
Good long stories
I want impossible things.
I just want to make you believe.
But I’m hardly even here.
And day will always break.
And pay checks don’t make themselves.
And I hate how much I love people
That humble my tiny fears.
I’ve rattled the gates at the top of your driveway in the cold of night,
Waiting for you to open,
Too many times.
I say I get taller by breaking down,
But quietly I wish we both believed in the same religion.
So we could stop arguing about it.
So you could think I was a genius.
So you could bask in it all like I did.
But I digress,
I learn to say.
I’ll learn to pray
We don’t need to make vows,
To be held and to hold.
To be young and be old.
My gut tells me fate’s star crossed.
My heart tells me to die on the cross.
My head is ready,
For the eventual loss.
I am born in the blood,
Of a sacrificed youth.
Wouldn’t this all be easier,
If we could just tell the truth?
But that heavenly hum,
Against my ear,
With my head on your chest,
I couldn’t care.
Suspended like crossed stars in the sky.
For a moment be here.
For the night be mine.
Im the small child in the bathtub,
Who cannot yet swim and is sinking.
I gather myself-
I pull out the plug,
Cause I know that there’s nobody coming.
I’m not on their mind.
All my stumbling to their entertainment,
At my bedside they’ll throw forth their flowers.
I’m glad there’s a stage wall between us
It’s been a few weeks since I’ve showered
And I know they’d mind.
But never mind.
I’m burden tied.
To a pulling tide.
To a dock I cannot see that sits 5000 miles away.
And mom I’m tired,
My arms are tired,
I dont think I’ll learn to float and I don’t have the words to pray,
don’t think that I can stay to try to change-
Can’t try to change your ways-
Can’t change your mind
I know you
You are my kind
So never mind.