I thought,
getting rid of
everything with you in it
and not having to see it
would make it
easier to forget you

but it didn’t
it made it harder
I need to talk to you,
ask you questions,
apologize,
but I can’t
because my phone
has no memory of
You.
But I do.

I thought I knew
your phone number by heart
and maybe your social media name,
was engraved below your number

but it isn’t
because my mind
did everything it could
to erase you

I thought I could forget you,
but I can’t.

What does heartbreak feel like,
you ask

Well,
it feels like some is ripping you heart,
out of your chest
it feels like dying,
from the inside out

Darkness,
becomes your best friend
and nobody else can make you feel better.

you say you love me yet you make me cry. you say you want to make me feel safe and welcomed at your house yet you dont do anyting to make a change. you say you want to spend time with me yet you dont make plans. you say that me and my sister come before everything else yet you would rather work or be with your girlfriend.

love your heartbroken daughter

4/26/21
Dear Mike,

Do you still love me? Because when you said you wouldn't have enough time for a relationship, and that it was unfair to me, I believed you. It was difficult as first, but I started to move on, and get better. I was happy and felt as if I could handle a relationship. But then I found out that you had a new girlfriend. And it broke me. I was upset, confused, and sad. I didn't understand how you could make time for her but not for me. I thought to myself, "Why am I not good enough? How and why is she better than me?" And then I found out that she wrote a book, and that hurt even more, because you know that I write.

And the more I think about it, the more I realize that the breakup was one-sided. You broke up with me, and I convinced myself that it was mutual. So now I'm sitting here thinkng, was she one of the reasons we broke up? Did you not want to be with me anymore? And Mike, did you ever try to reach out to me? Because I don't think you did. At least, it doesn't feel like you did. And what hurts even more is that I still love you. And if you asked me to be your girlfriend, I would say yes without any hesitation. I didn't get any closure, and so far, all it's done is hurt me. I still keep the polaroids in a box under my bed, along with everthing else that I wrote for/about you, and the matching anklet. Do you still wear yours? Or did you throw it away when you started dating her? Do you still keep out the painting that I made for you? Do you wish deep down that you still had a picture of us together?

Or do you regret dating me? Do you regret loving me? When did you move on? Was it easy? Or did you cry yourself to sleep most nights? Is she a rebound, or do you really love her? Did you talk about your future together like you did with me? What about the wedding, or baby names, or where you two would live? Did you talk about college with her, and how you would stick together through it all? Because I know that we talked about all of those things. I remember all of those conversations. I remember when I got a panic attack and we went on a walk in the middle of the night and played with lego figurines and ate goldfish and slept on your trampoline. I remember when I would start crying and you would just hold me. I remember how deeply in love we were. Do you?

I'm thinking about publishing my poetry, by the way.

Love, Em

I'm drowning,
in my own tears
but you,
are walking on them.

It’s Christmas Eve,
and I’m ignoring my family
because it doesn’t feel right
to be out there
nothing feels right

I brush my fingers
through my hair,
trying to think
of what to write

Because right now,
I would rather be
with my friends for Christmas
but that’s just me

And this poem
may be bad,
but that’s just because,
there’s no inspiration
in my head
and I want
to go to bed;

So goodnight to all,
and to all a good night.