Fifteen years since I was safe.
Six years since I had a peace of mind.
One year, six months since our first kiss.
One year since we last kissed.
Ten months since I last felt your touch.
Eight months since we had a conversation.
Seven months, five days since were were together.
Two months since it rained.
Two weeks since I last cried.
Three seconds since I last thought of you.
My memory is my greatest enemy.
The line...bold red with 7's clearly marked in a line down the lane
The stark contrast of white walls, a large open cavern, and white linoleum
To the brightly blaring colorful targets lined up near and far like stains
Upon the vast emptiness of the soul as it steps up to the line again.
Right foot forward towards the wall and with no difficulty, up
The recurve is smoothly aligned with knuckles flat and simple breaths
Like the sleek feathers upon arrow tail so finely defined, preparing to erupt
In pointed ambition towards the nearer bulls-eye littered with hits, depth
Arrows protrude in clumpings as the process is methodically established
And the goal oriented approach is gently woven within each stance, release,
Success of the hard tip embedding within the soft layers and to be honed
Over time and years of effort, each scar a story unto itself of lives
Lived fully without fear of adventure and embracing the passion of heart
That fires the senses and emboldens the soul upon a quest of mastery.
Not a mastery of others or from others, but consolidated within the darts
Of progress in all arenas of life and through out all ages, life's mysteries.
Three fingers curl gently beneath the arrow tail as finger and thumb
Kiss in a relaxed grazing upon tender cheek as eyes adjust the softly held
Recurve extended in determined focus upon its path with the target numb
Just an area to aim for but no destination within aimed for, skilled
To just aim true and let them fly, the arrows; 4 clumped between
Bulls-eye and the outer skirt, definitive successes for a first-time shooter
The fifth's feathers are an artistic flair like a cake top from center seen
As with one more draw back and liquid release, it strikes again, center.
I said 3 weeks would be short
If we were dying at the end of them.
And you laughed
[rendering a nearby streetlight useless, inadequate and dull]
And said, "We're not dying."
I wanted to reply
We are all dying.
The point is how terribly... temporary
All this is.
3 weeks or 3 years or 3 decades or a whole century,
It's not enough!
It's never enough.
And we don't know.
(We never know)
We could have
Do you think I kissed you
Even when I was scared to?
Because, there's just not
And if I were to die
I'd be much more afraid
Of what I didn't do
Than of what I did.
I thought all of that, but...
You were smiling at me,
Playing the disagreement like a game,
And I love it when you push
And I love it when you win,
And I love it when you smile,
If I only did have 3 minutes just then
I'd have wanted to be laughing with you
Because I love that you really do think
We have time.
Halt our shallow breaths--
staccato fogs at the stoplights
Cling precarious in cold
like the frost on the stop signs.
The street lights keep on winking
Winter's early and it's sinking
and clutching wool to swollen throats
I swore I'd never stand here again
at December's fucking doorstep
knocking every weekend
(I) always circle back every year
I take the same old punches
and shiver through same regrets
Halt my raising glass
and analyze my afflictions:
28, alone and broke
Fucking cop to addictions.
These late years keep on stalking
Old friends have started balking
at my shit
that shoe fits
vices acquit, but they'll convict.
I know that I will stand here again
at December's fucking deathbed
sleeping in every weekend
(I) always spring right back every March
I await the same old punches
and defrost my losing bets.
Fuck I hope it stays.
The snow outside looks like the white noise I hear in my dreams.
It's like holy whispers too powerful.
Thousands of tiny frozen pieces of wind and water that stick to the sidewalk.
It's been seven years since it stayed this long.
Little eight year old Alex says, "It's supposed to storm."
Great old siren
standing empty on the corner
with cracked pane milky cataracts,
dusty silk gown of cobwebs
flaking paint shadows on the dead lawn
breathing out of gaping eyes
the breath of years,
a widow with pendulous chandeliers
to tell the time whispers,
always singing with the changing weather,
expanding in the heat,
or frigid metal bones creaking
inside a wooden box.
I told him
I would love him forever
for by nature love is kind
the warmth of lips don't grow and lose easily
bodies die but the soul remains
I would love you as much as I can
Knowing that even thousand/s of years would past
our love for each other
will never fade
as we promise not to leave each other
and together we will smile on the things that
will try to bring us down
And one day our souls will meet
and have their own language to speak
and who knows
in that light
holding each other hands
In unquietness and stillness
In darkness or in lightness
I would love you forever
For I can only live and die once
my heart feels comfortable
that once in my life you touched the place
and show to me
that love never dies
We know we will die in the end
Forget everything happened in physical
but the emotions and love that we give to each other
will remain in this world
And in our new life
up in the sky
we shall find our souls
and continue the love and life we
will be leaving in the earth.
There are a lot of things I ought to feel guilty for,
but being happy isn't one of them.
So why is it that after four years of hating myself
I feel bad for having the slightest bit of self-esteem?
Maybe it's because the people I used to suffer with
are still suffering.
Things aren't getting any better for them,
and there is nothing I can do to fix it.
Or maybe it's because I did nothing to earn this bliss.
All I did was move to a new city,
surround myself with new people,
and turn into a brutally honest bitch.
I never meant to become so cold.
I guess I was just sick of being told
that I was too god damn passive.
I hated being passive,
being nice to people who I secretly loathed,
being the girl with the bright hair but the dull personality.
Yes, I have changed,
but I have transformed into a person that I kind of like.
So why do I feel so guilty?
I ask myself, alone: How can I describe love now?
The span of seas linking lands of mammoth mountains to sleek sands.
Can I compare it to the sun, the route so many tend to go?
The sun’s soul eternal, yet retiring at its set, bewilders me, though.
So close to the surface, I cannot kiss its face.
Its descent allows moonlight’s murky conquest –
For which I have no comment on or trace.
I do know that it is something to be held,
I can describe love, I have held her close.
I have held it as the green grass grows
Greener with each rainy embrace.
I have held it as summer’s sun sinks deep,
I have held the pillow resting on my wife’s sleep space.
A smiling sun frowns through nighttime’s lengthy leap,
But this I hold through world’s timely maze.
Once I dreamed of a future heaven
Where all the angels since creation
Joined together and offered each spirit
One wish upon the podium of the mightiest kingdom
And I chose to focus the great spotlight
Across the massive audience of faces
I shined my light over many turning heads
Until I found her there shy and selfless
This gentlest and most wonderful of servants I could imagine
We hugged for long moments and I took her to the front of God's witnesses
This angel who made my life something of worth
Who never forsook me through all my years on earth
Making sacrifices for me every breath of her life
The bicycle she got for me for Christmas in a Depression
The other countless and countless expressions of love.....
When we finally arrived back at the podium I bent my knees
To the most unassuming woman my soul could have asked for
I respectfully shouted to God far up and behind the podium
Please bless this dear most kindest spirit that clay ever wore
The only one who would have given her life for me
Because she did.....oh yes she did....she did....she did.....she did
This Mother did!!!!! UNFINISHED!