My mother always called me the devil child
Because I was loud, destructive and wild
I found out years later I was born with ADHD
No one wanted ever to spend any time with me
Parents didn’t know of ADHD or why I was different
They didn’t understand and they were very intolerant
Parents told older sister I was bad and she didn’t have to be around or play with me
So much of the time alone was really no fun, however for some help I did make a plea
I heard my mother double dog dare my father to hit me
Mother would refer to me as a turd in front of the family
All my cousins were smart, while I was failing all my classes in school
Got in to many fights with bullies and teachers who were always cruel
My family would all make fun of me, call names bully and teased
I was the loser that anyone could do or say what they pleased
None of my cousins was I ever allowed with to play
Was always much of the time alone every and all day
I lived in a strange way my dad was very to the T religious
And my mother was always drunk and of course blameless
She’d drink when home from work, on the weekends or holidays
And could always hide it from all her friends and the relatives
No one believed me when I told them that she had been drinking
They acted like I was crazy by then I knew what they were thinking
My mother took me out on Friday nights to eat and buy whatever I wanted, after work
Her last stop was always the liquor store for drink and smoke, I was left in car like a jerk
Bought games that took two or more to play, but she nor did dad never have any intension
Of spending time with me, I was in there way. I was a bad child that needed intervention
Wasn’t the perfect child I admit; I ran off when I was 16 did things I regret parents put me
Away, they came for counseling I complained about moms drinking, and she felt angry
She said her drinking wasn’t my problem, she’d be back to see me when I could face the truth
Never could mother admit her or dad doing wrong, everything was because I was a youth
Came home from school one day mom was passed out on the living room floor dead drunk
Called ambulance for her Dr blamed me and said no visit, and he called me a worthless punk
My dad would come home and find she was throwing up while passed out always in her bed
I’d watch him take bowls put them near her mouth to catch it, was something I would dread
He’d walk to the bathroom, empty the bowl and go back to get the next one to do the very same
And replace the unfilled one repeat the process. I was told by her doctor that I was the blame
Sometimes mom would run down the hall to the toilet bowl throw up then my heart would race
Because I always knew mom would do this and then she’d come to room to scare rant and pace
Since I was a bad spoiled child who had parents with money, nice house cars and good jobs
And I was not willing to help out or be responsible, was told I made the family look like slobs
My sister let her boyfriend talk her into letting him take me to dentist, instead he molested me
No one believed me because in the past I had lied about things, and the truth no one would see
I was different all the cousins, my aunts and uncle could blame me when things went missing
Or went wrong I was then and still am now the perfect scapegoat yes about it I’m still babbling
My father ran out the back door, when he heard me wake up and come out of my room
So he didn't have to bother with me, and I wanted to spend time with him he’d assume
Somehow I managed to graduate from high school and I then would move
To a different city I felt I might have better luck and my life would improve
Married two very bad guys both who daily beat, threatened me and verbally abused
Divorced them both had one child and how I’d raise this child alone I was confused
Tried to work and go to school never was competent enough to follow through
Each time I would start either I did not have the ability of completing anything new
Am not proud of this but I had 30 jobs that I lost in 10 years and even tried going to college
Unable to remember how and when to do things, my head from years of abuse was in a fog
Filed for SSI and Social Security, got on section 8, food stamps WIC and other government aid
I needed a home for myself and my daughter so I had to depend on things like this to get paid
My daughter grew up, became ill with a repeating debilitating disease
I dedicated myself to getting her well, and nothing about it was a breeze
Had to take her in pain for Doctor visits many times she’d cry and wished she were dead
This broke my heart with no family help, just her and I to face things in the years ahead
Unable to attend school for years, the Doctor signed permission to stay home
School system assigned a teacher who was mean nothing about her was tome
School Social workers interfered
And my name they smeared
She finally one day went into remission
And now the nephrotic kidney condition
Seems for now to have forever gone for good away
For years it’s been don’t want others to downplay
For a while I homeschooled her and the first semester back in the public school
She was on the honor roll things seemed to be looking up and I felt exception to the rule
Then one day she lost interest in classes, homework and attending
And the principal of the high school was calling and threatening
Pulled her out of school and placed her in to get her GED
Soon she graduated quite quickly within month of three
A year before she was supposed to graduate
I knew by then that I was doing things right
Enrolled me and her in community college we made the Dean’s list and no student loan debt
Last May she and I graduated have a new life now I don’t feel things in my life are a threat
But alone I’ve raised a good child, self-published a book and kept things together
I’ve published some poetry and stories in magazines that will be on web pages forever
Even though my parents have helped me out once in a while financially
I feel lack of respect since they helped family who treated me crummy
I’m still feeling and have most of the hopeless thoughts when I was young
But I still try to steer my daughter to be different from me and hold my tongue
Those cousins with the high degree
Don’t seem to have too much on me
Both lost their jobs within a year out of college from being snobs and dishonest
But the parents just think that it was because others were being so glibbest
Both stuck alone in life working in their old age
That just mostly pays a low minimum wage
Sister divorced husband for molesting her children still won't speak told her kids I was bad
She lives in my town and over 20 years she’s never visited so by her I've been for life had
Most of all I think it's because my parents never would face reality or admit
To any wrong doing of years of abuse and neglect, something I couldn't forget
Why am I talking about this after all these years still?
Because I think that it may just possibly help me to heal
All Rights Reserved
나는 한국 사람입니다,
I am Korean,
그러나 나는 미국 사람처럼 생각.
But think like American.
나는 한국인처럼 보이,
I look like another korean,
그러나 미국사람 마음
But my heart is set on America.
미국에서 28년 살았,
Lived in America for 28 years,
어떻게 (how) did 나는 (I) change?
Am I 잊혀진 (lost) Korean?
Have I become a Twinkie?
Or have I truly found myself,
And only becoming more aware of who I am.
Connotation, and my skin no longer matter,
Because I am an American.
Regardless of label,
I am ever expanding and developing.
Not a single word can describe who I am and what I think,
Because I know definition is a limit.
To truly know who I am,
You have to have lived my life.
Note: In Korean your family name comes first, then your first name, then your middle name comes last.
Frustration Is driving me insane
Sometimes I just want to step in front of a crane but
that would be to easy these days seem so much the same
Patience is a virtue yet
I'm frustrated and may hurt you
only to feel bad because the human in me hurts too
My quest for happiness
is becoming a trek to find the end of a rainbow
I've lost my light and my path I don't know which way to go.
Seems a lot of people would like to see me fail and
well I've done just that since my boat has set sail
It's a wonder I'm still afloat seems it's not my time to die
I can't even control emotion at random moments I cry
Abused, abandoned, I wouldn't pay my own ransom
I'm damaged, unrepairable, yet somewhat handsome
Life threw me a fastball and I struck out every time
my days consist of nothing No wonder I learned to rhyme
trying to climb my way out of my hole hoping this may be my gold
I haven't accomplished anything at 24 years old
Yea I've wrote a bunch of non sense
but to my name I have not one cents
I'm actually in debt for sharing my two cents.
My life is a comedy even I laugh at me
even beat myself up I am my worst enemy.
I drank a lot and smoke hoping to ease the stress
as I feel the rope tighten around my neck
You guys are my only hope the reason I log on
if you didn't give me strength no way I could on.
Thank you to everyone for your support and love
it goes along way.
Years of bingeing, purging,
Thinking about dying,
Yield more than sorrow:
They teach many important lessons.
You never wear mascara
Or eye liner
Because it shows the black pain
Flowing out of your mind
That you'd rather bottle up.
Turn the shower on
Before you purge;
No one wants to hear
Your half-digested meal
Splatter into the toilet bowl.
And they will never understand
No matter what pictures you draw,
Words you write,
Or science you explain.
No one will be there with you
When you decline your favorite meal
Or at 2 am when the knives are calling your name.
Yet, at the same time,
I want to be there for everyone else
Because I get it,
Because misery likes company,
But I couldn't tell you how to stop.
Because I know how it is.
I don't want to stop.
I cant quit.
To bed I took, in habitual slumber,
cursive prayers die at my cynical tongue,
all pinned badges of the day cast-off
to the floor, only for my sorry soles to
impale upon, come morn. ‘Come morn!
I called, to the chasted walls;
‘come morn!’ I sang,
hoping to fill the thinned curtains
with a filter of light.
In oil paints, old dreams coloured themselves
in patient, kaleidoscopic hues. Though
withered of form, they delight in me,
promise to deliver in utero joys,
connection to the Great Mother;
all that was lost in the fall.
The fall of man,
so gravely reported, and so
limiting to humankind.
I fell. I fell to sleep as Romans did peace.
With grudge, with dissonance; mind-silence apparent
only upon the death of the day.
With stubborn regard, my ears tarried in vigil,
I awoke to each pine of the hallway,
each tremor of heart, pulse of thought,
and Lord of sound.
‘Come death!’ I sighed,
to my life’s rushing blackness,
‘come death!’ I cried, to my stars.
In cannabis, I attune, only to calm;
to bask in the light of some meadow-less dawn,
and in pains, I pray only for dullen thoughts,
to poison my days in some indolent mess.
And of Ávila, Teresa
shelters my mind. She comes to me
in sorry demise.
‘My child,’ she calls, voice echoed since,
‘fellow child,’ she pines, entrusted sphinx.
Spawn of Thebes, she riddles through centuries,
all panicked pores, all sickening spirals,
forgotten in the present, all-eternal.
A shepherd am I, amongst my thoughts,
she calls thus that I am not my mind,
rather, a chosen observer,
to be confused not upon the
idiocratics, more, ‘what is.’
A lowing at my window, she calls unto me
in reverberated tongue, nutritious tone,
a cyclone of holistic power.
Bright glimmer of light, she calls once more, ‘my child!’,
she cries, ‘my fellow child of the Lord!
Please, rain unto me your sorry state,
lack of appetite,
cooling plate. Oh, you that live so solemnly,
you who knows not of the arbour of life.’
I call not in terror and I call not in my fright,
upon the window, that ghostly glimmer,
she heals the walls in half-light, swimming
in opal reflections of ripples and chimes.
And, she is calling for beauty,
she is singing unto me,
‘come morn!’ she weeps,
‘come morn, and with it, the tidings,
of your blessed life to be!’
Stumbling, I trip over the apparition’s words,
she speaks not in life’s shadows and sinister plot,
but only in those that speak like a God.
In the awful haze of light-polluted skies,
auspicious streets and government plot,
her prophecies fair, but yet
‘Come now!’ I say, in no hope, ‘come
now,’ I say, an adult.
‘There’s no space for me here in this lifetime,
there’s no soil for my roots to embed,
in painful years past, I’ve been in sorrow,
and I’ll be expecting them in all the years, hence.
So what, if I’ll join the army,
or some other capricious,
All tributaries lead to the river,
as all humans to their torturement.’
Teresa, she radiated with colours,
and Amy, who lived within my chest,
they called out as one in my silence,
as a union, a conquest of the childhood mind,
to abolish the present tense.
As one, they sang upon to me,
They sang, ‘be born,’
under the moonlit streets, ‘be born
to all that you are, and ever you could be.’
And from this dream I came out in denial.
From this dream, I appeared to awake. I awoke
to the song of the starlings, and to
the precious pleasure of life’s augment.
With this groggy thought I’ll admit that,
in separation I fell apart,
I call, ‘come out!
‘come out and greet me,
old Eden, my eternal womb.
The union of mankind and nature,
and the union of our pasts combined.’
Days turn to weeks,
and months into years;
Our calendar filled,
With days that bring tears.
No longer with cheer,
There’s a birthday we keep;
A life sown in hardship,
Is now reaping grief.
His anniversary of leaving,
A dark smear on that day;
Its nothing to celebrate,
But it won't wash away.
Those days that we’re honored,
As his mother and father;
Special cards that he made us,
We receive them no longer.
A day for memorials,
Then picnics and parades,
The summer he loved,
A special hike on Labor Day.
The season to give thanks,
Forces us to remember,
All the years that we did have,
All those happy Novembers.
Finally Christmas comes round,
Full of time spent together;
All our family traditions,
Where he's missed more than ever.
Each day a reminder,
Every memory so dear,
Yet silence speaks loudly,
When laughter disappears.
Then it's time to repeat,
Time to turn a new page,
Time for new resolutions,
Time to hope for some change.
Maybe this is the year,
That the calendar’s our friend,
When peace is returned,
And we look forward again.
this was written in late December 2012, just a year ago as part of my struggle to come to terms with life’s curves. i post this tonight, not so much for me, though my struggle is hardly over... this is more for a dear soul; an HP friend who like me, is still struggling with loss. some days are just harder than others; then there are whole seasons that will never again be the same. tonight, i raise a glass of Merlot for her, not in toast, but in wishing her comfort, peace and rest!
Two Drinks for Derek
A high five, a cheer
I thought you'd make it
Guess I won't see you this time next year
You seemed so great
Here's two for you
A drink to celebrate
Life and everything else
Ever lasting friendship
To great times and shooting shit
I don't know what happened to you
Good memories and bad times were few
And far between
But I Guess
You can't tell what lies beyond the seem
Your happy go lucky smile
Your sparkling eyes betrayed us all
We know what happened to your Dad 4 years before
We just didn't think that you'd also be found lying on the floor
Brains blown out
Gun on the side
Not a whisper or shout
Not a single letter or note
To say how you really felt inside
Two Drinks for Derek
For everything you do
I'll see you in Heaven or Hell
I just wanna say
I hope your day and life went all according to plan
I won't be at your funeral
Two Drinks for Derek
I Wish you coulda made it
You'll actually be able to say
Here's to you Buddy
I'll see you later
Back to how it used to be
Enjoy the summer's eve
Have a drink on me
I guess I just wasn't ready to hear it,
I'd hoped that you'd stay the way you were long enough
to give me a chance
but now there's a harsh reality
and facts left to be faced,
the main one clearly saying you and I will never be.
You always had him on your mind,
I knew it was always that way
but did not want to believe it.
I don't really know why I let you in,
I should have locked my heart away several times over
to avoid you straining it again.
Years ago it was that way,
with the same one it is with today.
You're over there and I'm over here,
you've got him and he's got you,
we could never, ever work out.
I repeat the last three lines over and over in my head,
trying to better relieve myself that you and me is at its end.
He makes you happy,
so do I,
but in a different perspective and a different light.
I'll have to cut the soul ties holding me to you,
they've gotten thicker and thicker the more my mind has drifted to you.
How could I have allowed you in like this?
To let you play the keys and the strings of my soul
in this sharp, broken melody?
But you love him,
and you love me,
but you've always loved him differently.
I've got to let you go,
let loose my grip on the rope,
and fall freely,
because you're holding me over the edge.
I've got plans I need to make,
thoughts I need to think,
and not one of them involves you anymore.
This isn't as much a poem as it is something I hope a certain someone will read.
My heart hurts
When i hear you name
When i think of you
The pain you inflicted
On me burns
On the inside of my skull
Little snippets of what you did
Fly in and out of my mind
I fear my memory coming back
And knowing everything that went on
All those years ago
It makes my stomach
Twist and turn
In painful knots
From long ago.
Did you enjoy my pain?
Was it fun to watch me fall?
You where the reason why I became this way
Everyday, my life is tormented by nightmares,
Nightmares that are my reality
Do you feel nothing for what you have done?
Have you ever thought how your actions might affect others?
While I trusted you, you plotted my demise
You told me you cared for me, but it was all a lie
I shouldn't have trusted your sweet lies
Was it your plan to destroy my soul?
What was your purpose for making me suffer?
I feel helpless in this dark abyss that you have created
As the years past by, it grows bigger
Being nurtured by my growing sorrow..
Today I look at my life and wonder.
Is life worth all this pain I have been through?
My whole being has been twisted by your selfishness
My understanding of life is so mush different than others..
What i see as torment, they see as pleasure....
I use to wish for my salvation
But now I only wish to feel my own suffering
For I have grown to love the feeling of torment
I love to see the scars on my skin
And feel the scars on my soul
If only you knew the real me
You would cry and pity me...
But I wish you never to know.........