Why are you crying? You demand, hatred spurting from your eyeballs
stop being so ridiculous
You know what?
Im crying because every damn drop of saltwater is every word I cannot say
I sob when I finally get to my room,
curled up on the bathroom floor because leaking out of my eyeballs is every goddamn sentence I held inside while we were fighting-
All I keep iron lipped locked up lest I destroy everything with the pure gas fire explosions of all these secrets bouncing around the inside of my concrete skin.
And just for a moment,
I don't want to apologize to anyone about
what chemical reactions are firing off in my twisted brain.
I don't want to "work things out" or "talk it through"
or yell or scream or vent to people because no one knows what to say or do except hugging
but I'm all alone in this dark room, dehydrating myself and curling into a ball small enough to fit in your black Chanel purse,
And I don't want you to wrap your stiff arms around me.
That's when I don't want anything more than just to collapse,
to slide into pieces and fold them all on top of each other until I can absorb into something simpler,
something that doesn't have heavy feet sentencing her to a lifetime of traveling these warped roads-
or maybe someone who can deal with the world without turning all of it into a poem?
Some beautiful, skinny girl who doesn't have to fake forgiveness for rides to practice and isn't forced to worry about crossing lines and homework or turn signals or disappointing adults and landing standing tucks and being sharp at football games or homecoming dates and not pissing off my stupid "friends"-
Along with all the other everyday irrelevance that won't mean anything in 25 years.
What do I even care, anyway?
Does anyone actually care?
Isn't it all just bullshit?
But as my phone rings and rings unanswered and my doorbell stays silent
I must come to the conclusion that I am just another human being having the same damn emotions as everyone else and that, in fact,
My friends don't want to hear once again about that fight my mom and I have been waging on and off for about 3 years and how it literally drains my will to live and worms holes in my mental health.
I must not be that girl who pities herself-
the one who lets her watery-gray sadness spill over the sides and splash into other people's laps, bringing down lighthearted conversations on the quad about homecoming dresses
For God's sake, Gabrielle
keep your shit to yourself.
Splash your face with water, spray a little febreze, fetch your plastic bags and fake smiles.
No one likes a bad smell.
First thing you said when you saw my name
First thing I thought of was a field of daises
Us runningtowards each other in slow motion
Lullaby tunes whispering on the winds
As petals dance to the rhythm
I guess I have a weird perspective
I never expected that you'd be the one
To make me think love was a funny thing
I never expected that someone miles away
Could stop the demon from rising
I'm glad I'm back
Back to basking in the light of your smile
Watching you glow with the thought of our love
It's not everyday I'm given something perfect to protect
But with you I'm not just the guardian
I'm the creator of the perfect twinkle in your star gazing eyes
Wonder how long it will be till I can kiss you
I hope it's not much longer
Because I'm actually going crazy
With the thought of you at my side
Heaven and Hell wreaking havoc
On the true definition of love
I missed you was the first thing I saw you say
I love you will be the first thing I hear you say
So I better get to running towards you
In this world of daisies
Wilting away as long as I'm not close to you
Gaining life as come closer to touching
The chest that holds two hearts
Hearing the orchestra of love
Play the music that will save my soul
I missed you too
I love you even more
I should have never let you go in the first place
So I'll make it right
When I hold you tight in my arms
your energy competes with mine,
a battle just to feel alive.
i know that i can't beat you,
so i only live to please you.
you cast away my sorrows
you numb all of my pain
they say i have everything to lose
but there is nothing for me to gain
you're my only support,
yet they say you tear me down.
i've been told to look forward,
but i like this view from the ground.
i seek you in the shadows,
constant struggle, endless fight.
and every time i find you,
they rush to turn on the light.
i smile at the thought of you
dancing in my veins,
my body is just a vessel,
you are my soul, my heart, my brains.
you let me be myself
though i don't know who that is.
i've lost track of who is using who--
but that is half the bliss.
i lean my head back,
let the world drip, and melt, and shatter.
i can't remember-- what is reality?
i suppose it doesn't matter.
you made me trust that you would join me
in the depths of my despair.
but lately it seems like you dragged me,
like i wasn't already there.
boy, you will think smoking makes a pearl in your gut. there will be three doctors like writing shacks constructed from memory. to each you will deny the existence of a one-way baseball. prognosis is a curse. when you are curled by infancy I will toss objects through a tire swing. by the way I am your father no one likes. pain is not the last room the world has. to be fair, pain is the last room
with a toothbrush. knowledge is a sick woman. she takes out her breast in a snowstorm.
I speak to you of love
and you speak back to me,
With abject apathy
and a lack of drive,
about the ease
a thing to romanticise.
You are purer than I,
A special sort of specimen
Untouched by any human,
Safe like this with only friends
To confide in.
None of the aggravation
No women, certainly no men.
Oh dear lets not pretend
That you are just
(as of yet un-penned)
'The girl who could not love,
That's it, go home
Your dead appetite
I see is simply a disguise.
Each night you gorge
on gorgeous lies.
Quite the oxymoron,
Twixt joy and pain you cry,
Into the lines of another book
( Is it lovelier than I ?)
The lines blur,
the words are lost,
The world has passed you by.
Meeting you was like an assassination
The moment you spoke
I felt the recoil
Point blank shot between the eyes
In one instant I was alone
Plenty sufficient at self-mutilation
I was content
To wander alone in my own thoughts
My personality cold
Chilled by the ice of the desolation
Of unreleased sorrow
One minute I am still
Meandering hopelessly in my world
Then there was you
Your first word was a slug
Dressed in copper it sank in
Sending shockwaves through the gray matter
I took the hit
My skull accepting the whiplash and allowing me
Some semblance of strength to move
I had no chance to heal before I was hit again
Your touch was electric
A million volts multiplied by the fluid
That is your glowing stare
The sound of my name on your tongue
Becomes a garrote
Taking my breath from my lungs
I can’t speak in your presence
All that I was because to die away
The lonely man who sought shelter
In the desert of loneliness
Bleeding out in the back of my mind
All who I thought I was
In the blink of a muzzle flash
Meeting you was like an assassination
The man I was
Some other man sauntered off that day
Someone I don’t know yet
But am striving to figure out
this is my last day
my last day seeing the people I care about
my last day in my safe place.
my last day with a life.
after today I will basically become a depressed nobody with no contact with the outside world.
so im here saying goodbye....................
The world disappeared around her as she cried tears of color, dripping from her brush, lost in the music and the sententious of deep purple.
the car seemed to be gliding on glass
the last inconvenient instant before impudent impact
the mangled mass of metal and his black crisp body
a spectacle for the masses, all 4 of them
2 volunteer fire fighters and 2 EMTs
later, his father, blind now in one eye
from America’s diabetes, had Ramona
drive him to the spot, to the dead oak
as big around as an oil barrel
dead long before Paul’s 1996 Ford Escort
decided to take a go at it
daddy had to see the place
that infinite space between
yesterday and the tomorrow
that would never come, even though
he had already seen, through his one good eye
his boy’s charred carcass at the county morgue
resting on a silver slab, the clean and cold bed
where he would spend his last night
before the fiery furnace,
Ramona and he could keep his ashes
no need for a big service, no money for one either
but Dub, “Paul's boss down to the auto parts store,”
opened his wallet as wide as it would go
for the cremation and a nice urn
Paul would be missed, by Daddy and Dub
and once in a great while, in the fast and furious world
of the flat gray town where he lived and died
someone would ask, whatever happened to
that old boy at the auto parts store
the one who limped a bit as he walked,
the one who rarely talked but always
smiled through his yellow teeth
when he placed the goods carefully
on the counter
love is a lie
love is what eats your thoughts up at 2am
love is what makes you curl up in your bed with tears smeared on your pillows and blanket
love is what makes you do things you've promised yourself you'll never do
love is what you build yourself around with and when it's gone it makes you want to disappear too
love is what you throw up after a night full of alcohol and hazy memories
love is what leaves you when you already feel so alone
love is what makes your heart beat fast and knees weak
love is what keeps you from loving yourself more
love is what tears you apart just from listening to that song that once meant the world to you
love is what you make out of it
love is what makes you human
and we are liars