I am struggling with the Choice of words
The best to use to develop my Researh Objectives
To determine
To assess
To examine
To establish
To explore
To develop
To distinguish
To highlight
To deduce
If you'd love to help...
please help me choose the best three
only need three to describe...

I went to church today
I don't know what I was trying to find
Hopes? Dreams? A figure to follow and some worthy morals?
I wanted advice, I wanted to feel alive

I left there with these words resonating in my head
"Homosexuality and suicide are abominable"
a short phrase that sums the fancy and elaborated speech of the preacher
Only the sinful suffer, and I guess that's why I am troubled.

I've thought of suicide jokingly and seductively
more times that I could possibly count
I have kissed girls and I am openly attracted to them
I am not afraid of saying it and with respect, showing it.

According to the bible;
Lesbians and gays was a punishment for not obeying God
Suicide is a way of controlling your faith
And the only one that has power over you is the Lord.

God gives you what he thinks you deserve
He knows you since before you where born
and because of that he is more responsible of yourself
than yourself itself.

Your brains are too small
how dare you to contradict the all powerful one with such disturbing thoughts?
He created all and everything, all and nothing
He knows what he is doing, and in no way you can try to question him

I felt more small and insignificant than ever,
How did a invisible figure matter more than my logical arguments?
Can't I decide what I want? Isn't it my body and my emotions the one in play?
There's other 8 billion people and you try to guilt trip me because I want to end it all?

Sinners will suffer only the prayer can save you, you can't save yourself, God will save you.
Isn't it better to try to put myself together? Wouldn't I be learning more with that experience?
Instead of repeating words of prayers, shouldn't It try to save myself or solve the problems?
How dare you to contradict the all powerful one with such disturbing thoughts!

If God chooses to give you what he believes is right
Then why am I the one in so much pain?
Why good things doesn't happen to good people and to the bad ones bad things?
Is it because the bad ones will always pray?

I went to church today
I tried to find support,
I wanted to confess
"Hey, I want to kill myself"

I thought that well...
If so many people could feel happy by worshiping
I didn't loose anything by trying
I instead ended up gaining: guilt, trouble, and a feeling that I will burn in hell

you made me so sick
you made me so sick i made myself sick
with the intention of ending up in the hospital
or better yet, dead
all in hopes that i could give you a taste
of your own medicine:
layers and layers and layers of pain.

but that was one long drawn out evil endeavour
and i'm glad i didn't succeed
because life shouldn't be spent with the intention
of trying to die
just to prove something to someone else
because no matter how much death
is glamorized in this goddamned society
there is nothing glamorous
about it
and in the end you will prove
nothing

there is nothing glamorous about
sticking your head in an oven
or drinking yourself into a stupor every single night
only to forget what you did or said or felt the next morning
there is nothing glamorous about
sticking your fingers down your throat
or carving poetic words into your inner thigh
just so you can feel or un-feel something

trying to die
does not make you
a tortured artist
it makes you
a miserable soul

yes, pain is useful
to create
without it i probably would not be writing this
but it does not define you
fuck them all
fuck society
stop trying to die to prove yourself to someone
dying proves nothing

take a hammer to the mirror
it's only a piece of glass
run into an open field and scream your lungs out
cry all of your fears out of your system like you did when you were five years old
stop being ashamed for feeling things
write down what kind of person you were this time last year
then next to it,
write down what kind of person you are right now
look at how far you've come
look at how far you've yet to go
be proud of yourself
think of the people who have left you
think of how good it will feel when you forgive them
think of someone who has left their footprint on your heart
now go tell them you love them
now leave your footprint on someone else's heart
make sure you tell them you love them

you matter
you matter
you matter
you matter
i swear to God i'm not joking
i don't fucking care if you don't believe me
and it isn't going to be easy
be terrified.
be brave.

you matter
you matter
you matter

you matter.

nothing sounds as final as the piercing words
that fall like bricks from your mouth,
nothing feels as final as your fingers
that slip easily out of my grip,
nothing smells as final as the perfume
that i know is certainly not mine,
nothing tastes as final as the last kiss
that lingers on my cracked lips,
and nothing at all looks as final as the end of your coat
that sways in rhythm with your footsteps
as you walk away.
...but you know what?
nothing is as satisfying as you finally out of my life.

Yes, I am your lover, but I won't ever be your friend.
We will never be more than we have ever been.
I've better writing down these words in repentance of my sins.
There's no need to be alarmed; this merely ends where it begins.

No, you're not my lover, but you'll always be my friend.
We will never be as much as we've already been.
You've forced on me this distance and I will break before I bend.
There is cause to be alarmed; you've severed ties that we can't mend.

Meet me in a dream, and sing to me as i sleep.
Wake me in the morning, to indented sheets.
Always keep the words, blurred and unpronounced.
Dangling in my head, tingling to come out.
I'm not the only one, that knows what you're about.
But I'm the only one who knows you now.

Sing me pretty words
I know you can

Sing me pretty words that close my eyes
Sing me pretty words that shut me up
Pretty words which stitch my cuts

I want to hear your easy voice
I want to feel the world fall asleep

Sing me pretty words

Sing of Saturdays slept away
Sing of patient ocean tides
Sing of... baby blue and lavender

Please, please, please

Sing about the little things
Sing me simple songs

Please, please, please

Just sing me pretty words

She was in Mexico visiting her father
whom she hadn't seen in eleven years.
I was at home,
falling in love with her
about three weeks after we had begun to know one another.
She called me before she left.
Scared.
Uncertain.
I could see her on the other end of the phone,
sitting on the corner of her bed
in her half-lit room,
pondering over an open suitcase.
I spoke to her every truth I knew,
every caring thought I could think,
as fast as they could be born.

By the time she got back,
I knew I was in love,
even if I couldn't quite find the words to explain it
to her.

We had spoken once about our obsession with birds
when we were younger.
So I prowled around the day before she got back,
in the woods behind my house,
through thickets, brambles,
up the sides of leant trees,
in the remnants of abandoned nests,
for a feather
or two.

She got back from her trip,
and we sat in my car,
before the modern saloon where
I told her I love you
She said wait,
I have something for you
And she pulled out a long, brown quill.
Her cheeks florid,
beneath the thin light of the street lamps
that leaked in through the window.

I laughed,
and she grew redder.
Then I too produced a feather
and I saw in those eyes
something I could not possibly explain.
And even if I could,
I'm not sure I'd want to.

There once was a girl pretty as can be and had a perfect family.
There once was a girl who was sweet her family in ruins never going to meet
At school she weep trying not to make a pep.
The pretty girl laughed along, Pointed and spitted, growled and snapped.
The pretty girl had a pretty long laugh.
The sweet girl all crumbled and ruined, begged and groveled for it to stop.
The sweet girl got hell she soon turned sour and ended up in different places.
White roses of forgiveness lay upon her grave as the sweet girl rotted away.
The pretty girl didn't know what to do but party and live her life like she was going to do.
They fill no regret and the sweet girl never got better.
No one spoke.
No one saw.
The sweet girl fall.
Her family back together to shed tears.
Someone stands up who they haven’t heard.
" I am the pretty girl" Said a voice “ I caused this girl to die and i sit here and sigh. I do not care I think it’s better without her plus she was ugly as can be and i glow of pretty. I am the one who needs the attention that's why i do such terrible things. The world should revolve around me."
The room fell silent as no one spoke.
A small little girl stood up. "I am the nerd. Smart as can be. I stand against you for everything you see. You tortured and hit you spat and you kicked but the guilt is still there. You killed a girl with only words. Don't you care?"
The rooms filled with rumors of such the brave girl.
Cant you see that all we need is someone like you Short, fat, skinny, tall, nerdy, freaky, different and all. to stand up.
to speak out.
Let no one stand out.
You could save someone just by a simple hello ask how there doing and let the friendship grow.