and then there are those days
when one minute your smiling
enjoying the gleeful moments,
wishing the day could never end
and then the next minute
you become a gloomy stew of sadness and pain
crying out for someone to hear you,
someone to relate to.
you begin to break down,
piece by piece
you remember the flaws
the nightmares
the torment
and you want it all to end
you dont want to do it
but its the only thing you know to do
though no one knows your internal sadness
they soon wont be able to fix whats been done
their words
their actions
they all come together
as a deadly force
that can and will take my life
and they call this
society
Pains written on your face
but you say it's okay
Fears creepin' in
but you say it's nothing
why you try to hide all of this inside
don't you know there's more to life?
I'm here for you I understand
just give me your hand
i wont let go
come to me cuz i believe in you
no matter what they say
Fighting to go on
I know it gets hard
and it gets long
why do you deny
all of this inside
Caution, please, to the Next Adventure repressed
South from the Spangles to have your Bow healed
As Cross-Marked you are from this Faith depressed
Sweep Slathered Leys your Locked Ego concealed
Twice-good-thanks-Merry Five Placards perform
Each with their Tassels a-wait Colours pull
So Train you're wont; Keep those Stances reform
And tie those Charibels sate your Guts full
A Category indeed strips by the Bell
Where Two Sworn Sisters pad your Forces spock
Energise now! Let all Seasons be well
Then Drink-cool-be-Merry lift by the Brock.
There are those who sell Substances beware
The Dark Man's Game knows your Tempting Guns there.
i am wearing a kimono,
this sheer, garish, floral shred of fabric that wafts about my frame.
the cafe people snip at it with their eyes full of sharp edges.
ive been here all day
the view is terrible,
the music
is like the sound of a snail in seasalt.
little
crackles
of wet flesh hot and retreating, no, burning.
but i am so tired I cant move.
maybe it isn't so bad,
maybe I am just being difficult...
everything,
even the kiss colored leaves that
toss themselves down the boulevard,
seem shrill to me.
all i can
think about
is what you said to me last night
"a pretty face is a loaded gun"
tearing holes into me with your angry eyes.
you know
the line itself is crap,
a splinter in this thigh,
it is snapping, that line, under all the meaning
i gave it in my drunken storm.
i walk along that line,
as though it is stretched between sky scrapers,
high above like a tightrope.
today all the great buildings that surround, give me perspective on my size,
and they hiss
as great, hollow objects seem to do sometimes.
now that iam awake
i see that it doesn't make sense
when you said it
you were swimming in a gin bath and
playing the poet with a shredded heart
but iam trying to give you credit
and find something other then an image
-image of my body
with a heavy, black barrel protruding from my throat
and a tantalizing trigger, curling like a tongue taunting you
to pull it
and blow your fucking skull apart-
you were just trying to offend me thats what i see.
dont blame this face, you are just angry.
goddamm the music here sounds like nails!
that man over there with the sloppylips looks like he might disintegrate
in worse shape then me I think,
I hope.
anyways i was saying dont blame this face
thats right i say iam beautiful,
you said it first though.
though you only said it, in search of the trigger.
christ,
we all need to get up and go,
this place is like a horse's mouth
lets all get up and walk out together in a thread of gorgeous bodies who just
wont take it anymore. lets go.
forget it. wait
what was i saying?
Summer comes and the crazy creeps in
driving me out
to the streets-
roads and alleys,
To madness and the barefoot listlessness
I wont keep longer than a week
I wont stay longer than a day.
My man, to survive
a second summer,
in question.
Sip. Drink. Swallow. Stare On.
At this point I'm alone
thinking maybe maybe maybe maybe.
I cool, the leaves unfurl
from the buds they were- only
weeks ago-
I was sane.
And moving forward.
time.
thats what they say will make me better.
that i just need to wait it out,
but what if i cant make it...
what if i am already crumbling
then how does time fix whats already broken?
time.
thats what it took to end up here.
that is what i used to destroy myself,
what i used as an ali....
partners in crime
stealing my sanity, innocence, life.
and time.
that thing people say will solve all and any problem.
the essence of my demise.
time betrayed me
time wont save me.
Sometimes
When I am sad
I think of you
And the broken English you used
When your alcohol level
Betrayed your defenses
And allowed my memory to slip through
When you told me how you felt
As I lay in that darkened room
And you were just an unruly shadow
But I still flew with you.
I was too young then
To know how it would end
So I believed in you
As children are often wont to do
Until another text
Different in intent
Showed me why
A beautiful lie
Is preferable to
An eloquent truth.
Sometimes
When I am sad
I think of you
And the shirt you wore
That night, and the way your sweater
Hung off your shoulders
And how you never looked better
Out of a uniform;
And I remember your smell
And the clash of sterile linoleum
With your musky aftershave
And it makes me sadder to know
You were the only man
Known by my nose
And the only one
Never to let it go.
Sometimes
When I am sad
I think of me
Then, with my red coat
And jeans, flashing a smile
Because your eyes agree
That I look pretty
And that was the first time
A man had ever spoken to me
Wordlessly, with a language I could
Understand, although now I can’t
Remember the words
To the conversation.
And at night I try to remember
Was it February or November?
But all I know is
By December
The language I knew was dead.
And when I am sad
I cannot get
The words you said
Out of my head.
I thought we were going
to be together.
life a breathing fairytale
almost coming to reality.
my hopes so high.
until I saw it.
you told another girl
something you've once told me.
I always held it close to me.
those words came
like poison bullets.
Striking me deep.
I can feel it pierce through.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!
WHY WOULDYOU LET ME BELIEVE THIS LIE!
WHAT WILL YOU GAIN!
DOES THIS SATISFY YOU!
those words rip through my heart.
each time I replay it.
I can feel myself growing
weaker & angrier.
your words like poison bullets.
My Misery
it has no limits
level. after. level.
it wont stop.
doesn't stop.
cant stop.
your words will always be like
Poison bullets.
I hope you notice.
I hope your guilty conscience
eats you from the inside out.
slowly taking you away.
Poison bullets.
one day ill torture you
with poison bullets.
until then,
SUFFER.
Me: Kelly likes you
Him: I wont date her because i like someone else.
Me: Whhhhooooooo
Him: a person in our class
Me: Well if it's not Kelly * unless you like men * hmmmmm Mariah?
Him: no.
Me: Me?
Him: yup
Me: I convinced myself that people cannot like me
Him: you lied to yourself
you cant defeat me
you wont
Ill cooperate
Ill act scattered
Ill be unfocused
Ill be motivated to motivate this terrible distraction in my mind
The answer is simple
School and AdHd dont mix
they collide
my brain is a dj playing dubstep
24 hours a day
non stop full volume
crank it up
because there is no stoping.
