I have so much to do,
but I wont do any of it.
I'll keep the words to myself.
Forgive all and
fade into nightmares.
Don't be afraid.
The end has ended.
"tell him how he hurt you, he needs to understand"
i close my eyes and swallow hard,
starring at my hands.
You made me feel not good enough
and i swear it broke my heart..
the way that you just dropped that bomb
tore my world apart.
"I'm sorry that i cheated, i know that it was wrong"
if you knew that it would break me
why'd you carry on so long?
you acted like we were normal,
fuck..i didn't have a clue..
for 7 straight months you lied to me
and i never even knew.
"Look at him so he can see
the pain thats in your eyes"
..i can't even look at him,
its like he is disguised.
"Tell him how he hurt you, he needs to understand"
…unless this pain is done to you …you wont.
I wish you were here...right beside me...so we can watch Michael dance in concert on the tv.
remember the time I showed u the bitchen dance that he does.....when I watch him I see myself like the cartoon when theyre in love and you see the little hearts popping all around their heads.....that's what I feel like. But I don't care.....I love Michael Jackson and if I had my choice id have his pics up everywhere. I liked that I showed you that and you watched it and seemed to enjoy....but that was before I knew you would be the one who would cause my pain and steal all of my joy. Only because u wont ever be beside me again and that cant bring out smiles filled from the utmost desire that I can get from no other boy.
I wish we could go back to over 3 or 4 yrs ago.....the beginning of summer....right after Michael Jackson died. The year was 2010. I was going to go to the art gallery in Beverly Hills that was displaying Michael jacksons personal items. I was on facebook watching all these Hoax videos and was becoming one to think maybe, just maybe he did fake his death. Then I saw in one of the videos that was showing the names of prescriptions that Michael Jackson would use over the years to obtain his meds. SOOOOOO I went on face book and was looking up the names.....(like mj is really going to use one of those if he did infact fake his death and start talking to me..) One of the names was Soule Shawn. I typed it in and a photo of Michael Jackson popped up but it wasn't the normal photo...it was a dark pic with a figure and you could tell it was Mj cus u could see the curl hanging down from the tip of the fedora. I clicked on the name and it said it was a private acct and u had to request the person to see if they wanted to let you on to their page and basically into their life. I clicked it and didn't think anything of it. A day or two later I went to go see what was going on with my buds and co workers and it said my friend request was accepted. I was all excited. The person wasn't on right then and I was so hoping it would be Mj....I left a message saying that I was grateful that he accepted it.....and did what I was on there to do and left. The next day I was on and it said I had a message. I clicked on it and it was from the person...I was all excited. all it said was a response to my message...it said and I wont ever forget it......."my pleasure". I was typing a response to his and was also saying that my friend and I were going to see mjs stuff on display and I made the comment of how I wish I had lots of money cus id want to buy some of his personal stuff......just then an instant thing popped up(I didn't even know u could talk like that to people that way on there) and it said "hello, how are u?" I got so nervous but answered.. "im fine and you?" We exchanged words for like an hour until he said he had to go. I was really interested in talking to him and seeing if he was infact Mj. He told me that I shouldn't waste my money on buying things of mjs cus I cant take it with me when I 'go' and I should cherish the memories I made and make and not be into materialistic artifacts. SO I didn't go see the display of things. Because the person was right , and I knew if I went I would blow all my money on a matchbook for like $400.00 or something really stupid. I couldn't wait until the next time we'd have a chance to talk cus I was bored and it was summer and I like to talk so I was really intrigued by my newly found friend. (more later)
Why is the first one gone
always the last to forget?
When the memories abound,
But the presence still lacks.
The weight of the world,
It seemed so intimidating.
But the truth of it all,
I've just stopped caring.
My vision is shaky,
My judgment is rotten,
I don't even remember
The good I've forgotten.
Senses are dulled,
Repeat all the stories
Until they become fables.
The tensions will mount,
Like mercury rising.
We'll deal and cope,
Find something to put the lies in.
Move on, forget,
Roll with the punches,
As long as you live.
But sometimes... Sometimes they wont.
Somedays I feel free of you.
Going almost full weeks without thinking of you.
Somedays I know I'm better off.
That you weren't who I thought you were.
Somedays I feel angry at memories of you.
Hating what I went through.
Somedays I almost convince myself that I hate you.
You entered my life out of nowhere and disappeared just as effortlessly.
Somedays I'm bitter because you never really cared.
Wounded over the fact that you didn't seem to want me back.
Somedays I feel sick thinking about how I was so easily broken by you.
I don't remember ever hurting like that any other time in my life.
But there are days like today.
Days I regret because they show how crippled I still am by you.
Days like today when I almost burst into tears because I miss you.
At least this insane idea of you and how I used to feel.
But everyday I think of you,
I remind myself that I shouldn't care at all, you didn't.
Everyday its the people like you from my past,
That make me refuse to settle for those that don't give a damn.
And I wont waste more than I need to, especially on people like you,
I have to be worth more than that.
At least I hope I deserve more.
I must live on Hellopoetry
I must live on the net
I must not let anyone trash talk me
If you tell me I live on hellopeotry
I go nutzoid and post and wont stop
I take breaks so my fat ass can get up
to get some candy or cookies to stuff my face.
Lord have mercy I should not eat cookies
but I can't help myself
Lard ass me has got to eat
Hey I trash talked me so I must be punished
Spank me, Spank me eat my doggies dick
I ride rover when I can't find a man
I must have more cookies please
getting tired been on too damned long
I don't want anyone thinking I'm nuts
but I am
but I am fucking nutzoids.
hahaha hahaha hahahha ; )
Making up my distraction as I go along, I say that im ok, but I think we all know that im wrong. Im raging inside my own mind, trying so hard to leave a fucked up road behind. Still desperately wanting to rev it up and drive in reverse all over again. "No!", "no!" I scream back into the shadows; I will not be a slave to YOUR ways. I wont crumble and fall to the feet of anyone that says they care, I wont get fucked up just to feel better, I wont cry over the stupid shit, I wont worry like hell on something I know I cant change. I promise! But...ive broken that promise so many times ive lost track, and that road of the damned I wander aimlessly, begging and trying so hard to fight my way out. Im so sick of the games, of the hangovers, bad memory and shame. All I ever wanted...was not to end up, insane. But I am...and I will be...and nothing will ever change.
He said he loved me
But never got a chance to prove
She proved she loved me
But never got a chance to say it
He left and then came back
But when he did he always ask me about me
She was always by my side
But she never really asked me about me
We are a family and sometimes it's hard to decide
I love both of them
But its hard to decide
One of them left
the last time I saw him
But he never came back
There is one man
He was the most special man of all
He was always there
He never left even when I pushed him away
He proved it and never stop saying it
When the sun came out
He told be "Here is your gift"
It was a new day
When the sun came down
He told me "Here is your peace"
And I rested all night long
My father left
But Jesus came
My mother never asked
But Jesus already knew
I cant judge him for what he did
Because I'm not perfect
I love them both and I wont choose
But I will do s pray
Equally for both
Not so that they ask for forgiveness
But so that they forgive themselves
So that they understand that he died
On a Cross
What do you expect?
What did I get?
Nothing but empty dreams.
I blame it on fate. She did no mistake nor did I
For falling into a sin like this.
What will be next?
Sadly I know the answer.
She will get married to another.
And I will do the same.
Pretend. pretend and pretend
That’s it is normal and it is okay
But eventually its not.
Eventually its not.
Before we fall we had boundaries.
But lets blame it on the desire
Stronger than saints.
I miss her now because I cant have her tomorrow
I will miss her tomorrow because she wont be mine
In her heart im always hers and shes always mine.
A tear wont stop falling when this thought cross my mind
My soul shrinks. Desperate it is.
Desperate it will be.