i was wondering slowly along
when i bumped into you
it was awkward at first
and we tried to quickly get away
but as we untangled ourselves
i noticed all the little details of you
i also saw you look closer at me
we then began to focus
become in-tune with the other
it grew more potent, tangible
i began to wonder if i could escape
then realized i didn’t want to
we pulled away, began glancing around
our eyes had that perfect meeting
it felt like we stared at each other forever
though it would have lasted seconds

29th of February, that’s my birth date

Personally, I’ve always found it great

“Really, your born on a Leap Year”

Some people practically cheer

Instead of 43, I’m actually ten and 3 bits

People’s over-excitement at this can sometimes be the pits

I’m wondering when I’m at deaths door

Do you think they’ll multiply by four?

I was almost happy once. I was on the edge of a bridge, fingertips grasping to the side when I smiled.
I smiled at the possibility of being free from the pain but then as I slid closer to the end I saw my family and felt their pain and I opened my eyes and I pulled myself up. I was almost happy once.
I looked in the mirror and told myself that it wasn't for me it was for their sake I stay because if it was for me i'd be long gone in that deep bay but for them I stay strong and I hold up my head and I pull down my sleeves. I was almost happy once. They tell you it gets better so you look to the sky and you think of the future and you kiss it goodbye not thinking of the ones who are here on the ground who are crying and wondering how they had never found all the cuts on your thighs or the drugs that you hide. I was almost happy once. I clung to that railing with tears on my cheeks as the wind whipped at my hair and took my will to speak when a person who knew me not grasped at my hand and told me "Don't you dare let go of me now, none of this is worth it come with me and you'll see." I looked in their eyes and found that the key wasn't to find the happiness in me. I was almost happy once.

So you're saying you're proud and
Grateful to have so much freedom, opportunity, wealth
Well, I'm not.
Sociocentrism is an ugly, unnatural state
Everything we have takes away from someone else
We try to pretend there's no connection, that the plight of others is cause by their own failing
That we are deserving
Convinced that this is all here for us
We take and take and take
But every terror we inflict on anything "else" is a terror upon the self
We protect our so called civil liberties with wage slavery, chemical abuse, and ecological terrorism
Profit baby, profit über ales
Well congratulations to us
This is nationalism at its finest
No, I'm not fucking proud of it
If you want to take credit, be my guest
Just ask India about policies of profit over regulations, about denim and dye and death
Ask Mexico about farming, their take on the "Fair Trade Act"
Ask the rainforest if it remembers what it was like to have trees
Try to find an Arawak to ask anything
Ask 63 countries what it feels like to have a US military base keeping watch
And what would happen if another country tried to build a base on this soil
Or maybe ask why you never learned shit about any other country
Much less about your own
Back in History class
Survival of the fittest, you say?
A dog eat dog world?
Alright, let's play
This country is overrun by dogs, that's true
But honey, we're not eating any other dogs
We're eating poison and calling it food
While our leaders give Monsanto handjobs under the table
We are "the world's leading nation" and we're dropping like flies
No, not dead
Just into hospital beds and prison cells
Our country is filled with poverty, racism, violence, and terror
Not to mention obesity heart disease depression anxiety and PTSD
We're over-medicated malnourished and spiritually starved
We're pissed off at a whole lot of bullshit
That means nothing in the scheme of anything
Fully engaged in the myth of a two-party system
Even though most of what we see and hear is merely distraction
Thank you, media, all 6 of you big beautiful monoliths
I'm so lucky I have the opportunity to be informed!
We're a nation divided by details
While our leaders run in circles pouting fat fingers at each other
Engrossed in this thing we call "politics"
Highly effective
I'm really glad you're proud
They say ignorance is bliss
But I think it's more like a shiny polyester suit
Holding together a parasite infested mess
Sitting in a recliner after a hard days work of trying to stay afloat on a mountain of debt in a drowning economy
Bottles of medication on the table, GMOs in the fridge
Quietly doing what they're told
Never wondering why
Falling asleep to the glow of the TV whispering fear and terror, us and them, buy and buy and buy
The sweet purr of "freedom"

Not a whore nor a snake,
temptation just runs thru my veins.

The male flesh makes me weak,
Their touch makes me weaker,
Their scent fills me with pleasure.

I may have one, I may have two.
Knowing that they genuinely care
And knowing that I am growing weary of one
But love him deeply.

To give in to the fling, or to return to the one I love.

I play them both like a fiddle.
A game that tortures me as well.

Knowing I’m doing wrong.
Not knowing how to reverse my mistakes.

I sit here idly.
Wondering where I went.

I don't know how to damage this one just yet.
I almost want to keep it clean.
temptation controls me like a controller.
Grabbing the pencil so lightly, afraid that its going to break.
Grasping it tightly.
I look at the clean pages.
There feel, touch, smell so innocent from the pencils led.
My hands shaking I put the led to the blank page.
Waiting, watching, hoping to see the page full of nonsense letters and word that mean nothing.
The journal was was already damaged when I touched it.
My head exploded with ideas not letting my thoughts come peacefully.
There charging, racing, stomping to get free.
When the pencil touches the paper all the thoughts run with fear.
Now am left with nothing but an empty page with so many ideas at the tip of the pencil.
With nothing I stare blank at the page hoping, waiting, wondering whats to come next.
In the damage journal nothing will come but useless letters and words.

She wrote her feelings out for you.
She wanted you to know how she felt at every minute of every day.
She needed you to see the pictures she painted of life so you'd never be left wondering
No matter where you or she went
Her poems would remain
Her art never revealed names
But you knew because the words always spoke to your soul
Whispering memories you tried to escape
She wanted to be able to leave this earth with no what ifs or doubts
She tattooed her feelings in a notepad and published them to the world.
Even the naked eye could see her heart on every page.
But only you knew where her heart was, only you knew the pictures she painted because you experienced the picture with her.
If she left this earth today, she'd be at peace knowing a piece of her lies on this earth still
The piece that was written for you.

For a month a part of me was missing.
At least I thought.
So when I found it again, I was overjoyed.
Life made sense again because a void was filled.
But everything that glitters isn't gold.

You can't miss a part of you that was never there.
There's not a word for it either.
I tried to conquer the lexiconical gap.
So I watched as the petals grew crisp
And his words lost tenderness.
I relived the feelings of before that were  the reason I left.
I questioned why I ever came back.

I watched myself and my movements.
Wondering why I did everything with him in mind.
Just wanting to be seen as imperfectly perfect,
Be any and everything.
To others I was everything and more,
To myself I tried to be more, to be that part he never could seem to find in me.
But yet again the lexiconical gap stopped.
I couldn't miss the part of me I never had
Especially because I never knew what it was.

Summer came and went.
Our summer was the sweetest.
I miss what I actually did have then.
Those constant conversations, that eagerness and anxiety we'd get when too many hours passed without seeing or hearing from each other.
We did have that.
Now summer comes again and I'm faced with the
everlasting gaps that are me waiting to hear from you.
That denial I have when I finally do.

A gap, the lexiconical gap that may never be filled.
Not even Lexi can fill it, not even Lexi can keep you.

The sway and pull of this madness
a dance too vibrantly bade
I pause in the still framed freeze
to remake thy own steps in a dream.

My voice grows soft as I call you
Wondering. Was it all a waste?
the lantern was lit and I cannot quit
I've journeyed too far ahead.

Why do I want to cry for you?
Why do I feel like I've lost?
The most precious gift that has guided you
is derailed and left at the cross.


All I can say as I pray
the most gentle of whispers in day
I've never wanted you more.
We are parted here after, evermore.

Isn't it crazy how things just change in a flash?
Kinda like when you wake up in a hospital,
finding out you were hit by a drunk driver in a car crash.
You begin to break down, little by litte.

You start to question things,
feeling like you don't know who you are,
going through random flings,
wondering how the fuck did everything get so bizarre.

But then life picks up and you begin to look up,
finding yourself and loving yourself over the negatives.
excited that everything is going right side up,
like you're life is suddenly a prerogative.

That is what makes healing so appealing.
Feeling yourself grow stronger.
Standing up tall, no longer kneeling.
That is what makes you live longer.