When I feel emotion
I feel it with all my heart.
When I am happy,
I feel so ecstatic that my heart could explode.
But this comes with a price.
For when I am sad
Which is most of the time,
It cuts me to my core.
I see the way he looks at her.
The way I want him to look at me.
The awestruck look
Of someone filled with wonder
Of how a person could be so beautiful
Why can't he look at me like that?
Why does it have to be this way?
Why do I always have to be the one longing
It actually feels like shards of glass are in my ribs
And every breath, it stabs me in the heart
Until my blood lets out.
And I am blue.
As blue as the ocean that I wish would engulf me.
Because this feeling is more than I can handle.
Got some bad news for this one
Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?
How will my story ever be told now?
Make me feel like somebody
Like somebody else now
I wonder if I'll live to grow old now
Getting high 'cause I feel so low down
Ain't no love in the heart of the city
Ain't no love in the heart of town
Did you enjoy my pain?
Was it fun to watch me fall?
You where the reason why I became this way
Everyday, my life is tormented by nightmares,
Nightmares that are my reality
Do you feel nothing for what you have done?
Have you ever thought how your actions might affect others?
While I trusted you, you plotted my demise
You told me you cared for me, but it was all a lie
I shouldn't have trusted your sweet lies
Was it your plan to destroy my soul?
What was your purpose for making me suffer?
I feel helpless in this dark abyss that you have created
As the years past by, it grows bigger
Being nurtured by my growing sorrow..
Today I look at my life and wonder.
Is life worth all this pain I have been through?
My whole being has been twisted by your selfishness
My understanding of life is so mush different than others..
What i see as torment, they see as pleasure....
I use to wish for my salvation
But now I only wish to feel my own suffering
For I have grown to love the feeling of torment
I love to see the scars on my skin
And feel the scars on my soul
If only you knew the real me
You would cry and pity me...
But I wish you never to know.........
When the sky's grey I look up and pray
That it isn't actually filled with smoke.
Without the sun the clouds have nowhere to run
And I wonder if they realize in the heat they'll choke.
The wind will blow but only those who can feel will know
Of its attempt to skitter away what was never meant to be.
The invisible malicious flurry is constantly in a hurry
To knock over your ego and aid in escape what wants to flee.
I am a human but don't go assuming
That just because I wasnt born with wings that I can't fly.
We are all staring and we are all comparing
But nothing can hold us down if we reach for the sky.
Timothy Yan, that was his name
I miss him, still, 71 years later
I don't know if he's alive now
Nor, really did I know then in 1942
We were kids, he was 11 and now
would be 82 or 83
I don't know if he'd remember me
But, I remember him
and will forever
He was Canadian
He was my best friend
His family was Japanese
We'd come from Ontario, Burlington
Work brought dad west
So, we settled in a suburb of Vancouver
Tim's family had been here for a few years
There weren't a lot of Japanese in Canada
He was the first one I saw
We didn't have any in Burlington
So as I know
We lived on the same street
Went to the same school
He was Canadian
We played baseball, road hockey
football, we were brothers
blood brothers, we were a team
We moved west in 1938
I met him that fall in school
We were instant friends
The day I saw that St. Louis Cardinal hat
stuck in his pocket, all rolled up
He'd be Stan The Man, I'd be Red Russer
He was Syl Apps, I was Sam LoPresti
I was Turk Broda, he was anyone he wanted to be
We were both Joe Di Maggio
We were brothers
I remember the noise first
Great big Army trucks,
All up the street
Not just at the Yan place
The Yokishuris, Wans, and Timmy's Aunt too
Soldiers, loading the trucks
We weren't allowed out to see
Notices had been posted though the door
We could only watch and wonder
They were being moved
They scared the powers that be
Little Japanese families
Many born here
Scared the powers of King in Ottawa
And they had to be moved
Inland, to the Okanagan Valley
To Camps, in Canada, their country, Camps
Canada was at war
With it's own people
With 11 year old Timothy Yan
Ever since Pearl Harbour
Ottawa got scared
Japanese fishermen in the west
Japanese fighter planes from the east
There had to be spies in British Columbia
Tim Yan was apparently one of them
They were told their property was safe
All their goods in storage
They were lied to
A month after they left
The auctioneers came in
Everything was sold
I hope he kept that hat
Dad bought what he could
So did other neighbours
I still have the boxes
Waiting for the Yans,
I miss Joe DiMaggio
I didn't understand it then
And I don't now
My teachers couldn't explain it
My minister said it was the best
That didn' t help either
Who decided what was best?
Best for who?
It wasn't best for me, or Tim
Nobody asked us
He was just gone
I spent years looking for him
He never came back after the war
They were moved further east
They were sent to Japan
He was from Canada
Why would they send him to Japan
He was gonna be the first Japanese big leaguer
I hope he made it
I grew up and became a lawyer
A citizenship lawyer
This was not going to happen on my watch
To anyone again
Not while I was around
I miss him
He went to war
And never fired a shot
He went to war
And never knew why...
Did she touch my head
Did she smile
Was I drunk and wrong instead
Did I imagine what was said?
Did she touch my hand
Did she look with strong desire
Was there something in her eyes
I am uncertain with goodbyes
As she left I question
Was it kindness was it care
was it gentle friendship
That was there?
Was it sex was it lust
Was it baseless short desire
That plays me to the fire?
Was it movement without meaning
Was it apathetic leaning
Absentminded action that was lacking in all feeling?
I don't know
I don't know
But I wonder while I wander
Through my memories and ponder
Did she? Was she? Will she?
Be someone I should pursue?
I don't know,
I had a dream about us falling
Those three words rolled off your tongue
easily and it made me wonder if this was
I don't call you mine anymore and
you don't bother talking to me.
I guess it's true,
some dreams show the exact
Opposite of Reality.
i wonder if you know that the same route
to your house in the daylight is different at
night. the road turns to currents and the
buildings are coral blooming in their lawns,
the sand gardens. the headlights of cars
are tiny fish catching the edges of mirrors
in the water’s light, bleeding white and gold
that fogs the windshield, an ethereal tide of
loss and shadow and muffled music.
i wonder if you know the second time i went
to see you i couldn’t swim fast enough. you
make me feel lightheaded, you turn my lung
over in your palm until it becomes a windpipe,
you smother my piccolo heart until it pierces a
hole through the sky with its sound. i’m spinning
out through my ears for you, rushing to a beat
with drunken feet, wide eyed and slick bird winged
with a panicked pulse. it was still warm and i guess
the weather tricked me into thinking it was a
temperature my kind could survive in, for you.
i wonder if you know when i saw you in the
doorway you looked more brilliant than all
the shimmering roadsigns from my best
unmapped memory, uncharted like your
wildflower stem wrists. i’d like to get lost
in your underwater mind, wade in the
swampy sadness with my fingers
twisted in algae. we’re not that different,
i wish you knew. you are more magnificent
than every hello and goodbye carved
from any mouth, soft or difficult, shy or
unabashed. when you saw me take my
steps your smile curved like a castle
letting down it’s drawbridge. how did
i convince myself that was a good thing?
i knew you were waiting for something.
i knew you were waiting for someone, but
i never would have guessed all you waited
for from me was for me to pass you by,
to get out of your sight so you could watch
the street roll and pull rain from the overhead
lights into ripples that reminded you of a
different time, a better time, a time before me
when you were happy. but the past isn’t always
as good as we remember it, i hope you know
that. i never would’ve said that to your face
because it was too beautiful to deface with
such a tar-slung sentence.
i wish i was a writer.
i wish i could sing.
i wish i could have done something, anything
to be the ribbon sent across the sky flying
like a star stained lighthouse beacon,
one you couldn’t forget, wrapping you
up on the glassy surface, keeping you
afloat in the present, banishing dark
underneath, sweeping away sharp
rocks, shark teeth.
Here I will wonder
And there I will wander,
And everywhere ponder
What life is about.
I wonder about you every day.
Any little thing.
Do you miss my voice?
I miss your voice.
Did you cry today?
Did you smile?
I miss your smile.
How is school?
What have you forgotten?
Where? Who? Why? When?
Am I the first you think of when you wake up?
Does every little and big thing remind you of me?
Do you crave my lips like I do yours?
Does a song remind you of us?
Do you gaze over at your passenger seat and long for me to be there?
When you close your eyes can you feel me?
Does your body ache for my touch?
My soul wants to leave this body to find your soul.
Am I the last thing on your mind as you drift off?
Have you dreamed of me?
Have you cried yourself to sleep?
Will you forget me and all that we have?
Do you still love me and want me in your life?