Damn, this could take a while. To put it bluntly,
I'm a 31 year-old woman with the libido of
a 16 year-old boy. A few of my fetishes are too
perverse to indulge outside the realms of fantasy.
The more tame ones are sub/dom interactions, both
inside and outside the bedroom. I like to be bound.
I enjoy being watched, but watching others also gets
me going. I usually get dressed and undressed in front
of my window each day, which almost takes up
the entire wall. Someone drank my urine once, while
another came simply from tickling my feet. I enjoyed that.
I like getting pissed on, choking, being bitten, and of course
biting back. Long hair, trains, The Chesapeake Bay Bridge,
tentacles, incest role play, horns and antlers, fat men,
Victorian women, spankings, flagellation, vampirism, eating
very ripe fruit, kidnapping. Corsets. I tight lace in the fall and
winter, when it's not too hot to wear a corset all day. That feeling
of being constricted, bound, and reformed is agonizing and
heavenly all at once. I would rather give head than receive. I would
rather obey than command. I like to be told what to wear
and how to act in public. Everyone would see what I'm doing and
what I'm wearing but only I (and he/she) would know why.
A secret hidden in plain sight. That right there gets me off
more than anything. Well, almost anything. Rim jobs and putting
my fingers in a guy is fine, but I have tried anal and didn't like it.

OK, your turn!







from Dizzied By Chance: Poems of a Fringe Existence (2013)

Why is it that once we age we find ourselves defined by our bodies? Something that we have simply become a bystander in has become all of our identity.

Why is it that what grows around my soul is all anyone sees?

Why is it that I am judged for every mark or hair that I didn’t put on my body
But I refuse to remove

Why is it that I am taken by the arm and told how to act
How to be someone that does not sleep alone

Why am I so out of control for thinking of my body as a temple and not a place of warfare, not a conquest to be had
Why am I the crazy one in a room full of addicts?
Addicted to the place they’re in when they skip a meal, or get rid of the one they just had to indulge in
Addicted to society telling them that for every bone they can see, that they did well
They wear their bones like gold stars
Making sure they are vulnerable enough to be wanted
Making sure they are wanted, period

Constantly wishing to be less
Hoping to have lost more, every morning while looking in the mirror
Taking time, lunch breaks, to get rid of more
To purge what is rightfully theirs

Until it’s finally gone

in sixth grade at the
end of the year
boy transferred into the
"smart class".

he sat next to girl
in science and social studies.

later, when girl looked back on
her and boy's first meetings,
she would recall a moment that,
at the time,
seemed passable.

study skills on the first day
of sixth grade,
middle school,
girl was looking around at her
new classmates.

boy was sitting at a desk.
bracelets lined up and down his arms.
girl read them from her seat.

one of them said
'i a band with brit-related stuff for her love of the u.k.
>a skinny black one from boy because he "doesn't like green day."
(but girl sometimes wonders why he would have it if that were so)
>a legit green day one with the uno!dos!tre! logo
>deathly hallows from her friend GaHoolian girl
>KISS hello kitty cross-over
>pink that is inscribed with "flirt" even though girl isn't
>pink that is inscribed with "wipe-out" which is more fitting
>blue from the orthodontist
>string of plastic pearls from a bff
>black leather with a pentagram painted on, made by girl

boy is becoming a different person through his own
bracelets,
he doesn't wear the "i <3 boobies" anymore,
and girl recalls that day in science when another boy cut all of his
"sex-bands" off his skinny wrist,
and she smiles to herself when she also remembers
another girl coming up and offering
the broken bands to her.
"but they're boy's" is her line,
and girl and boy are both blushing.

girl likes seeing how boy has changed
through bracelets,
his now almost bare wrists pale and white,
rivery veins snaking up his arms,
veins that he has
tortured girl with many times.
he no longer has sex-bands or
"rebel" or soda can tops tied together.

just a black one
saying "bite me"
and a watch.

girl doubts anyone else has realised
he even started wearing a watch.

but girl is just a very observant
hopeless romantic,
who wears her heart on her sleeve
and shows her love through
phrases carved into rubber.

How do eyes
hide lies
How do eyes
paint the disguise
You wear so seamlessly
You  whisper words of
forever so dreamlessly
But naive
I
will
buy
it all
and fall
and fall

Deeper into this
picture perfect wonderland
I will have this
overrated brand
Of what it is to be
in heart racing
Butterfly inducing
Stu-stuh-stutterr causing lo-luh-lust
Because everyone knows
that wide eyed girl
Lost
in
her curiosity
Who wandered astray
and came upon
your animosity.

I don’t think I love you anymore.
I give up on trying
I can’t bring myself down enough for you
I am already nothing

My heart is a piece of paper, crumpled again and again
There are only so many times you can look passed the wear and tear
The water stains from the words you say
The small rips, with no intentions of destroying me completely..
but doing it ever so slowly..

What was once written upon it is no longer legible
No longer easily seen
Maybe the words have already faded
Maybe I can’t get them back

And I have already forgotten what was once written there

There
is
a
sky
outside
   that some will
   never

               see
          beauty
                  in

in the
   factories
          they are
           trained
how to
           smile

  and
wear
it
    like
new
    shoes

Oh, sweet, sweet friend
How may I describe you?
The beauty of our friendship
Is of much more value
Than a baboon's ass.
This, I'm telling you,
Is that a baboon's ass
Isn't of much value.
You're like
Something I'd walk on the streets of New York
where many feet trample on the pavements
where spit hits hard on the ground
and dirt rubs and snug itself tight.

You're like
The sound of beautiful woman
Inviting me to a nice, fancy dinner
in her huge mansion
With her gorgeous husband
And laughs along to his lame jokes
and gives me a toast
under the lights
of the golden chandelier
as her precious goods bounce around
in that low-cut dress
so absolutely sweet you are,
how much I adore the love in your voice,
the gentle one that kisses me goodbye
If only it was real
and not as fake
as the eyes you bear
when you tell me
I'm amazing.

You're like
a sweet wrapper
I'd happily look at
feeling damn guilty inside
nevertheless.
That crunching sound it makes
As it opens to a beautiful sweet
Chocolate! I chew you up and
swallow you down.
I'd never think something
so delicious and innocent
would hurt me so bad, and give me
Black teeth. Or potentially diabetes.
Nothing so tasty would kill me
slowly inside
forget the temporary pleasure I had.

You're like
Fresh, long hair
and a pretty little face
which bears ugly lips
that shoot out ugly words
and claw people around their necks
and suffocate their freedom of speech
or their opinion
and snubs out their rainbow
like a cigarette
My dear, you’re a monster!
Have you no taste for uniqueness
and creativity, a knack
in weirdness, the love
of awkward hellos,
and a shy but determined being
in the making?
You press down the people you think you can kill.
You, with your sharp words
and condescending eyes,
scrutinize my every move
and throw snide remarks
behind my back,
Honey, don’t you realise
You’re not perfect?

So I've said, you're a sweet, sweet friend.
You are!
As sweet as the poison that kills me
before it reaches my heart.
It has already killed my ability
to lead, to be empowered,
to be free.

So, my sweet, sweet friend
feel free to lace up the shoe
and wear it if it fits.
One day, I'll step on you.

It’s past time to get up and out
From underneath the warmth

But the splashing water droplets …
Are so soothing

I don’t care to wear under
Where did I leave it this time?

Shaky eyes regaining focus
Is a visual realization

But the thump, thump
Thump thing is missing here

Can we just lose the words?
Can we please?

Rectifying energy
Will be the main squeeze

It’s always in my dreams
And then it leaves

Wearing down the layers
Lay down the wear and tear

The door is open
Can’t you see?

I’ll hold the top lid
You hold the bottom

And on the count of three
We both will leap

It’s not so terrible
I swear it isn’t so

Dripping flesh
Fused as one

The white light
Heating only to extremes

And if I told you
I told you just to breathe

Would you see?
What it could be

The stains won’t come out
But I’m good at dying

Once the ties are removed
You’ll see the beauty

It’s in the veins
Of different shades

Come bask in the heat
Of a moment frozen

Hold my hand
And then release

You’ll soon understand
What was meant by the pressure

Gauge me carefully
With intuitive clarity

Once the poison dries
Look in my eyes

Extract the fibers
From my iris

And look through the woven pattern
Our fingers created

For it all will be
Soon to unfold

You can sit and watch grass grow,
Drop seeds and reap what you sow,
Get dirt on your hands, you know?

Wait and see what mystery winged things
                                                             bring,
Observe their dance, how they see to clean
                                                             wings,
Absorb the flight and the strut and the peck and
                                                      the song it sings.

You can walk the dog a good long ways,
Run with ear buds for the endurance phase,
Remember either way get out and go play.

Listen carefully, take care of you, only you know how,
No one else really can, not even your lover or friend, wow,
Free yourself, find peace, seek as much blue and green, Allow:

A Time for Love;
To Express Joy;
A Life in Peace;
Doctoring your Patience;
Delivery of all with Kindness;
Self-discover Goodness;
Unearth Faithfulness,
In the realm of Gentleness;
Wear a Patch for Self-Control;

but -

Start with time to watch birds

I saw a picture of you today
You were wearing the shirt you wore
When you kissed me
I know shirts can be washed
And worn again
But you were also wearing the same smile
And that left me to wonder
Can you wear the same smile twice
Did you forget to ever take it off
Can you wash it
Hang it up to dry
Be careful
It’s delicate
Or can you wear that smile
For another
Was there someone else
To help you hand-wash it
In the sink
Carefully placing it over the clothes line
In the backyard
Then gently
Help you put it back on
You,
Carelessly flaunting
Such a beautiful thing