I give myself to the world
in the hopes that I could change it.
Remake it from these lost souls,
dissolve this culture of hate.
But the further I dive, the harder it is to breathe
surrounded by all this suffering
it's exhausting
to be idealistic.

Should I just surrender?
Say goodbye, and give in
to the weight of the impossible?
To think this dream could turn plausible
is a fading vision as I wake.

But I get up everyday, still .
I say, "You have so much to be grateful for,"
and it makes me fucking hate it more
because it will always be too much.
I give and I give
and I'm
WEAK
with life
WEAK
with love
and I can't stop taking.

But somehow,
this weakness makes me stronger
connected to all those others
who hold the world each day,
are brave enough to whisper,
"I'll go on with you."

Why must they beg, make me want to kill them?
Down on their knees, and I am the villian?
They are weak, scum, shit beneath my boot.
A .45 from my backside, I point. Shoot.

My inner demon cackles, her eery whisper no more.
And I cry out, dropping to the blood covered floor.
Eyes wide, twinkling with wetness, I look at what I have done.
Did I... did I really just have fun?

I want to scoop the poor girl up, go outside and run.
I want save your life, but it was my gun.
I still have yet to move a muscle, my mind is reeling.
Tell me what is real, what the fuck am I feeling?

Someone else is in control as I pick myself up,
Is that you? yup.
I'm tripping over my own feet
As I run like I've been beat.

Fucking never ending hallway
I scream for my NIGHTMARE  TO  GO  AWAY
But she has me in her arms, alive or not
I remove my .45, point it at my brain..
                                                             ­              take  one  last  shot.

Just looking at you
barefoot in my tiled kitchen
floor, makes me so weak.

And when you step out
of the shower after bath
oh, makes me secrete.

You, pointing your toes
when you put on your stockings
makes me lick my lips.

Oh, I love your feet.
And I love your legs too and
Oh, I love your feet.

As I woke up this morning with the dark cloud forming in my mind.
Telling me you’re a pain and useless,
Worthless, Nothing you ever do will be good enough for me or
Anyone else the pain, the rejection, the feeling of hopelessness, the misery,
How the dark cloud turns to dark mist in my mind and the feelings and thoughts of rejection and not being accept by my peers. How theses feelings and thoughts turn to pain and agonise in my weak and dark mind and how I wish this would stop and everyday is the same for me.

i just want some sort of sign from you
that you want me to still love you
in two years.

i will sit here and wait for you to come home to me,
i will.

i will wait two long fucking years.


if you wanted me to.


i swear i would;
if you could only swear that you would forgive me

for the hearts that i will have broken while you were away


and i would kiss you
                                             r
                                                    mind and your
                         heart

for being so understanding


it's funny
my hair has stopped falling out

and it feels thicker

                   i want to shave it all off in the bathroom

(with the same razor i used to drag across this wrist)
and put it in a wooden box, and send it to you.

it would just be yours to keep

(sometimes, when i am feeling insane
i take a box cutter at work
and cut my fingertips, just a little bit.
or i take the blood that naturally flows from between my legs
and smear it on the walls of the shower
and on my legs and arms

i lay down under the stream of water
in the same shower where you once made love to me
i let it cover me
and i cry
i cry out for you)




and then maybe months later, i would buy a plane ticket to see you


and it would make you so angry

(because you told me to leave you alone.
you told me to leave you alone
and then you kissed me
and you told me you loved me.
you just don't want to talk to me anymore.
i'm trying so hard to figure out where your words and your actions match up.)

you would of course just send me home
and the plane might  crash down
and in death i would be happy
that you might finally care about me



i wish i could explain to you,
how much i love you.

and how fucked up i am without you here.

and how strong i am without you.

but how weak i feel

and how i want to scream until you hear my voice, miles and miles away

and i cough up blood

and lose my voice

you hear it
and you get in your car,
and you drive into the sunset
and you see the city skyline

just a few minutes from my house

but don't even bother to call

you sit on the side of the road
staring at the cars driving by

concentrating on this decision
then, turn around and drive the two hours back home

didn't even bother to tell me you were here


and i can't even think about our home
the bed we slept in together

because in that little town
in that little room
you were the only thing that made any fucking sense,

and i am a mess now


and so is this p
o
e
m

Pushed up hard against the glass,
wish you had time to react, it just happened all too fast,
getting hurt left and right,
you feel weak because you can't stand up and fight

too afraid to seek some help,
because you are afraid that the word will get out,
now show them punks what you are all about,
and this time- you won't be afraid to shout

stand up for who you are,
because in life that will get you far,
don't back down and lose that fight,
know that I will be by your side until I know that everything will be alright