My balcony looks into the building next door
Which was at one time an architectural wonder
Home to a family, maybe
Or a solitary man
With too much money to buy happiness
Now its roof caves inward
And the neglect it has felt through the years is apparent in the
Ivy crawling up its walls
Only the moon and the cool breeze keep me company
It's the time of night when
The crowd of young people
Who drink away their troubles many a mundane night
Have been tucked away in their final destinations
And the city sleeps
Silence
Fills my ears
And serenity
Fills my mind
I close my eyes
Breathe in the salty air floating
Past me on its way from the sea
It's on quiet nights like these
I know
I am utterly
Insignificant
Fuck these nights.
Fuck them.
Fuck these feelings of anger, abandonment, fear, and jealousy--
but mostly anger.
Fuck the way I know I'm not going to like what I find
but keep looking anyway.
Fuck these memories that follow me around to this day
and keep finding ways to reinvent themselves.
Fuck the way I torture myself like this
over and over again.
Fuck that fluttering in my heart that could be mistaken for love
if I weren't so sure it's hatred.
Fuck you for making me so fucking weak
by giving me the world and then taking it away, little by little.
Fuck you for making me so fucking dependent
that I can't even go to sleep without a perfect goodnight.
Yeah, fuck you.
Most of the time daddy 'ain't there
Momma don't seem to care
Your friends just wanna bash
You wanna run away but you're outta cash
Baby, don't collapse
Your almost there, don't crash
I know it's all happening real fast
Search for God's hand to clasp
Find a better way to cope
Stop smokin' all that dope
Find a reality that's easier to grasp
The moon's pale face regards the nighttime skies
As the stars pass by on their ancient quest.
Silent shadows glide 'cross the ground
From clouds that move and make no sound.
Nighttime is when her spirit will rise
To ever wander and never know rest.
Eileen was the name of the red-haired girl
Who lived in the castle near the sea.
It was the only home she'd ever known,
This ancestral fortress made of stone.
It was a simple and tranquil world,
The only place she wanted to be.
The castle was home for ages long past
For her father, his father, and beyond.
Their memory lived within the grey-stoned walls,
Their deeds were remembered in each of the halls.
The castle was safe; its walls held fast.
Yet its fate lay within a wizard's wand.
Galyn was a wizard of dark renown,
Winding his way from times of ancient yore.
Great was the power at his command;
Deep was the knowledge he kept at hand.
Few were the secrets he had not found,
As he labored at his art behind a locked door.
Standing on a tower's balcony on a grey, windy day
Eileen could feel the sea's breath on her skin.
Galyn would watch her standing there,
The wind playing and dancing with her hair.
Though for ages he walked a solitary way
The sight caused a stirring deep within.
From ancient ages he searched in shadows dark
Seeking answers in places unseen and unknown.
Yet this power was one never felt before,
Twisting his emotions and piercing him to his core.
It ignited within him a powerful spark,
A burning desire to make her his own.
Eileen never e'en thought, not once in her life
That she could hold sway over a wizard's heart.
Her youthful innocence knew naught of such a thing.
She dreamt of knights slaying dragons, or even of marrying a king.
She could not fathom Galyn wanting her for a wife
Be it through trickery, treachery, guile, or blackest art.
This is a work in progress.
Strange, they call me
Strange I stay
Strangeness from which I don't stray
Until strange is my norm each day
True love's loving me this way
Day's a bore?
Well there's no need
Come along, be strange with me!
Give laughter in times of crying
To the world, let this be my offering
Strange, they call me
That's just fine
Just means there's depth within my mind
Amongst the spares, I'm a rare find
Strangeness being one of a kind
Strange, they say
It's plain to see
Strange people litter history
We've been, we are, and probably will be
Why not come be strange with me
One: never listen to Bon Iver
when making important decisions
Two: appreciate sleepy grey cities
and their buttery suburbs because
you will miss them like hell
once you have to leave for good
Three: when in a car on the first
snowy night in December with that
boy you like, kiss him hard on the mouth
even though your mother's watching
Four: regret can make you ill
Five: indulge several minutes each day
to patch yourself up--rub your heels,
clean your fingernails, squeeze
the fat on your hips tenderly
Six: you'll find your way back home
somehow, but in the meantime
continue to press on
I can still feel your memories crawling,
like ants,
up and over the creases in my skin,
collecting my scars like leaves—
I think they found a way to burrow through my pores.
Sometimes I can feel them gnawing away at that soft grey thing we call a brain,
until I can't remember the strange order of those letters we call our names.
So you see,
it wan't my fault—
when you asked me the time I told you I loved you.
I was never any good at writing love poems, darling—
in the same way I was never any good at loving the right things.
Like a kid with 26 cavities loves candy,
each time you bit my neck I fell in love with the bruises.
Sometimes I still press my fingers against my collarbones
trying to re-create your violet imprints.
Say my name one more time.
It always sounded scarlet on your tongue.
Cast your fishhook words at my shins—
until I can feel the syllables sinking through my skin—
until I can feel myself limping forward again.
These days—
they call me unstable,
like a half-brokes table.
And I keep trying to slip things under the broken leg
but nothing seems to hold me up.
It's been 7 months and I still shake each times someone tries to lean on me—
I used to be someone people could lean on.
Summer is coming fast and i'm still to faded from the winter to greet it with open arms.
I've fallen in love with the cold and I'm not ready for the too-bright sun to kiss my pale shoulders.
I miss the overcast days—
like us,
uncomfortably blue.
I used to believe you loved me too—
It's 6:26 am and I'm still thinking of you.
I saw your jaw clench,
your next breath out
shaking like a leaf
we stared at each other
and I only watched
as the first tear spilled over
onto your cheek
but that was all I could take
before climbing into your lap;
let me kiss your tears away,
I'll try to subside the pain
any way I know how.
Lastly,
I kiss your lips
salty from those silent tears
dripping from your eyes
I hold you close;
it's okay, Love.
It's okay to be sad
for once.
my anxiety’s been getting worse lately
making me dread sad people and being called baby
But hey, when you're lonely you’ll take what you get
And worrying about holding hands isn't much of a threat
of course, you get worried going a different way to school
like every little thing you do must follow certain rules
When you need to talk to strangers your pulse speeds
And bussing down to movies makes you weak in the knees
You can't let people know and you can't let it show
You need to ask for the check even though
your
heart
rate
Speeds up, your muscles contract
And you find it hard to breathe and the waitress passes by
And you try to get her attention but she's obviously busy with other customers
Your friends are looking at you weird but you smile
Awkwardly wave your hands until she notices and you're beet red in the face
You laugh it off and pay your bill and get the fuck out of there
And nobody asks why you're so flustered but
you can feel their gazes in the flush on the back of your neck
And you feel it the rest of the way home
I don't know what I would do without caution, or
looking both ways when crossing an empty street, or
Checking my phone every five minutes to see if they're getting home alright
Because it's the only way I know how to care
i have spent the last 3 hours
crying a river of glass
ripping my soul apart
as if it was paper.
you poked each shred of
pride i had left.
you pinned them into holes
and dug deeper into my lungs.
You swallow the only love i had left
from the debris in my chest,
and listen to the thumping of my heart beat.
You broke into my patrolled doors,
you breathed your white lies into heavy smoke
underneath my cheek.
You shot bullets of words
roaming inside my stomach
and kissed the soft lines of my lips.
You touched every single part of me,
from neck to the ankles of my legs.
I loved every minute you spent
hushing your cruel scent to my sleeves
I hated the way your eyes would roll
at my poetry,
You stole every bit of the lovely roses
i had painted inside my body,
you gave them to another.
you drowned inside my eyes
now you swim along the
waves of my arms.
you say
"thank you, thank you
for loving me.
for i have not loved you."
