Whispers call to me during my sleep
I've knocked on doors, seeing who will answer
My soul is yours to keep
I've wished for you, you know
Dust courses through me, making its way to my heart
i'm currently laying in my bed with tears in my eyes for the first time in as long as i can remember. this feeling is far too familiar, and i didn't miss it at all. it feels like one of those old friends you didn't mind not seeing anymore, you just sort of accepted their absence. although this isn't a friend; it never has been nor will it ever be. it's a foe, and alter ego, and as wretched as it is to say, it's truly my former self. i've heard countless times the phrase "the hardest thing to endure is watch the one you love, love someone else", but there is a bit of deceit behind it. in my personal opinion, the hardest thing to endure isn't having the one you love, love someone else, but just simply knowing they don't love you back. any person could possess their heart, while at the same time, they posses yours. it's a dreadful feeling, really. it's consuming, and with the consumption comes emptiness. the emptiness is what sits in the pit of your stomach. it's a contradiction, i guess you could say. lately i've become nothing but a contradiction. in the words of an anonymous novelist, a "fatal contradiction", which frightens be down below the contradictory emptiness in the pit of my stomach, goes through my blue veins, creeps into my fingertips, which act as puppets by making their way up to their controller, beginning to claw at their puppeteer to make the thoughts stop.
If there is anything,
Anything in the world that I could possibly do,
Then name it.
I hate seeing you sad.
I love to see your smiling face,
But we cant smile forever,
I love you,
It will all be ok.
Everything that happens,
Its has a reason.
Love has a way or working itself out.
I love you.
i walk inside
sort of hoping
you'd look at me
as i'm multitasking-
holding my books, walking, looking at you
this, is my favorite part of the day
one glance at you,
and my day reaches its culmination.
it doesn't get any better after this
one glance at you,
you give me an automatic smile
and you're just sitting there.
my glasses are off.
i cannot see if that's you
but from your walk and the way
you look down at the ground
it's got to be you.
your face is so serious
as i awkwardly attempt a wave
saying hi, but not speaking
i'm caught offguard.
silence takes me to another place
it surely is quiet- as they say
and still thinking
i want to talk to you,
without stuttering, without hesitating
i want to tell you everything
everything i have been thinking
but how can i think when i've lost
my heart's in one state
but my mind's all over the place
i wish you knew
all these feelings that aren't brand new
Nothing So Sensuous
Last night, I went back in time and met Alice Liddell in 1862.
Alice Pleasance Liddell, known for most of her adult life by her married name, Alice Hargreaves, inspired the children's classic Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll, whose protagonist Alice is said to be named after her. See her, greet her, in my banner photo, and all will clear.
nothing so sensuous
as to watch a woman,
nay, a woman child,
brush her hair
in the mirror.
more than sensual,
all my senses
luxuriating in a gift that
her head titled,
from her chest as far back,
your eyes see waves
of chestnut in
the smile on her face
for the knowing that
all of you.
she languidly strokes
though it needs it not.
no, she brushes you
see her eyes,
in the mirror,
the woman's sensuality
every sense alerted,
you body fired,
she has you,
and then she asks...
would you brush my hair?
have you ever been in love?
have you ever had to tell someone
you no longer loved them
though you still did?
Oh yes, Oh may I?
yes, with you totally, at this very instant.
yes, for I
must leave you
and return to
my time, my age,
150 years from now
the only way
I can do that
is to lie to myself,
no, I do not love you
not that way,
for the agony of this
is such ecstasy,
that I can
only dare to
write of it,
in my time,
lest I fulfill
it in ours.
Also, must make reservation well in advance. Small time travel machine accommodates only 15 people....and currently the only "destination" is Victorian England.
i want to help you not be afraid
not in a pushy bossy sort of way, (like the others go about it,)
poking and prodding you
when you're hurt
and saying "that's foolish, don't be afraid of that,
that's a stupid thing to do"
but because you're simply so wonderful that i don't want you to ever have to be afraid
I want to be able to hold you
and whisper softly into your ear that everything's alright
and that you don't have to be scared
and to grin at you
and kiss your hair
and for you to just never have to be afraid of anything that is not here and now, nor anything that ever existed in the past. (if you're ever in danger i'll protect you from it with my life)
not anything ever.
(til i'm with you then, i'm with you there,
sweetly buried in your jet black hair
you're no Johanna
but i'll steal you)
i want to fix you
i want to help you never feel broken ever again (this is my damned hero complex and i know it)
(I have never been very mechanically inventive, but i like fixing broken things, i always have to be the hero, be Alice, but in real life it's not like that and one must put away childish things and notions)
i want to help you overcome this
because what did i ever do in some past life to deserve a chance to love a soul as wondrous as yours
Courtney gets scared and i cannot help her from all the way in america
a long time ago some schoolteacher gave her necrophobia from being so horrible when supposedly teaching them about the holocaust, and now she has issues sometimes with things like nazis and gory television and sometimes she gets dreadfully stressed out thinking about death and i don't really know because she doesn't talk about it much but she got triggered the other day and it was scary and i wanted to be there and hold her but i could not and it was awful
this isn't really poetry, this isn't even trying to be poetry, this is just me being sappy and honestly i have no idea
Tim Burton's Sweeney Todd and its gr9 soundtrack is eternally ruining my life here have some halfassed lyrics to Johanna with some of the words changed because i am not even sorry
also nearly directly quoting Memories from Alice: Madness Returns but pfft oh well
What is loyalty?
Is loyalty when you are in a relationship, and you don't cheat?
Is loyalty and when you do your friend a favor when they need you most, and they are begging for you to help them?
That can't be loyalty.
That won't be loyalty.
No, Loyalty is something bigger.
Loyalty is when you are honest, and trusting, with your peers.
Loyalty is when you do the right thing for the right people
Instead of being selfish
Instead of being evil
Instead of being the kind of person no one would ever want to spend their life with.
Loyalty is when you stay true to your word.
It's when you don't tell a lie
It's when you develop one opinion on something
It's when you stick to your guns, and you don't go out being a liar.
It's when you claim that you are doing one thing, but realize you can do the other anyway.
It's when you don't act on that other way
It's when you instead, stay to what you last promised.
Loyalty is not being the one person who ruins an otherwise good night.
Loyalty is not being the one person who ruins an otherwise good life.
Loyalty is instead, simply, truth.
Truth to one person.
Truth to one person who deserves it.
Truth to all people, they all deserve it.
If you aren't willing to be loyal.
Don't call me.
My hair is either half down,
Or half up,
It depends on the way,
That you look at a cup.
That look on your face while you overhear conversation, normally you're not to far off with your assumptions of people. But every time you look at me, I know you're dead wrong. Its so obvious, multiple times a day I witness your eyes go wide when I catch you completely off guard. Maybe theres just certain types of people you don't believe in, that you don't know to exist. Sure its amusing to surprise people from time to time, but to constantly feel underestimated? You've got me further than arms length, and thats just fine. But you need to trust someone.
Ive seen eyes like that, full of so much that it looks like you could break at any moment. Countless hours of repressed emotion ready to be released. Just so you can start over collecting it all, bottling it up.
Don't think I haven't noticed the way your ears perk up, and the slight curve of your lips while listening to the chatter around you. To anyone not really watching, you're right there with the crowd, taking part. But with more than a glance I can clearly see the distance between you and them. So unattached. Do you ever really feel welcome?
You shy away from so much. I often wonder if the reason you wont accept anything is out of fear that it will disappear with the day. For someone with so much to offer, to give as little as possible. Most tend to radiate energy, but Ive seen few stay so contained like you do.
So much of yourself is hidden, locked away. I just hope that its not a habit caused by shame. Deny everything all you want, but I'm sticking around until I no longer see that look in your eyes. If I cant get you to trust me, then at least I'll be around so you can at least depend on me if you need to.
My sisters are an hour fifteen late
And I've been shopping for coats so long
That I'm starting to measure the worth of my weight in their wool
I feel your rejection surround me when the XL doesn't fit just right
So I throw it back on the hanger and try not to look at myself in the dressing room light
I sit down on the bench half defeated
I found a grey one I like
Fits me perfect and I look good
Until I turn to the side
But I'll take it cause its classy and nice
I can feel their stares on me as they walk by
So I stop looking at my phone long enough to catch their eye
Let them know their judgement hasn't gone unseen
Cause I can sense what they're thinking
Or maybe call it paranoia
But when your co worker calls you beautiful
And the lady waiting on her paint
Pulls a card out her purse and says, "Beautiful but not healthy. I can help you lose weight"
And you stand there with your mouth gaped
Because this was the icing on top of your shit cake
Cause this week your man cheated on you
But showed no remorse
And a stranger woman saw you
As a product to endorse
And it took fifteen coats
Just to feel alright
After pulling at your fat in the fluorescent light
And the woman picking out the flannel pants
Made you think of last Christmas, placing them in his hands
And the music above your head
Held no holiday cheer
Just another reminder that you're ending this year... alone
And you forget to remember he has a new home
And you spent a split second wondering if he wished he were here
And you know why he doesn't when you look in the mirror
So I pick myself up
With my coat in my arms
Walk behind my sisters having a conversation of their own
I'm mostly invisible but that's the way we've grown
Laugh a few times, lay thick on the charm
Because they don't have time for shit weeks or broken hearts
When somehow holding it together feels a lot like falling apart.