In highschool I thought I liked girls
I thought it wasn't right, to even look
that if I tried it would be different, abnormal
I didn't know it was okay
To want to kiss another girl
To touch another girl
That it would be a violation
I wouldn't be liked back
I thought I had to be a certain way
dress a certain way
act a certain way
I didn't wear make up, but also didn't wear masculine clothing
I was just me
I got stares from butch lesbians that were in gangs
I was frightened and alone
"What are you staring at?" if I looked back
Looks based off of intimidation
this wasn't me, this wasn't it
I tried to date men, same ole same ole
video games, boredom,
not having drive
it wasn't interesting, it wasn't making my heart race
going through one motion to another
I was told that I was just making it up
That I was pretending
That I was doing it for attention
Fantasizing about female celebrities
I then came out to myself
dated a girl
who wasn't a girl
he was genderqueer
he was trans
and it all began
I was attracted to beyond the gender binary
2 dollar margarita nights
at the gay bar in New York
queers stumbling, fumbling, sweating, dancing
going outside to just
light a cigarette for some pretty girl
connect with eyes
just to talk
just to have a connection
Turns to quick sexual experiences
With a blink of an eye
She kisses me, she wants me
She want's go further
That wasn't me
I don't know you
you don't know my heart
Then I met you
Wrong pronouns at the grocery store
No correction, you know who you are
Questions on identification, even at the gay bar
It's okay, you understand
Under the Christmas lights of my room
in my bed
with your smell left in my sheets
I'm so happy, I'm filled with joy
Tears rushing down my face
I can't believe I'm in love
Cold in its current setting yet warm in its deepest desire
Nature embodies life in its full beauty,
Never shall a day come lacking in truth,
Life completes itself everyday,
Wondering about through the streets,
Looking aside to see nature,
Hearts desires to experience creativity are completed,
Fulfilling life with creativity in every way,
Tomorrow new dreams will arise,
Passionately pursuing new hopes,
Dividing truth from lies,
Ones life can only abide,
Love takes a moment to discover,
Life fills Love with desires,
Filling each moment with new creation,
Completely astonished every heart should be forevermore!
Well I don't know what to say,
I'm almost glad you didn't stay.
This way I'll have never disappointed you.
At least you're far away,
While I keep my demons at bay.
In my head I've already anointed you.
Canonized in the depths of my mind,
Somewhere I thought no one would find.
I guess I'm not as clever as I thought,
I didn't learn the lessons you taught.
I still have myself fooled into thinking that someday you'll come back, homesick for what used to be.
Fuck, I don't even if you could find the time to think about me.
I'd be shocked and speechless should my ears ever find the sound of your voice somewhere behind,
Coaxing my life back to juvenile delinquencies when I didn't have half this fucked up mind.
I guess what I'm trying to tell you,
What I no doubt know you already knew,
That I still think about the past.
My fingers raw from counting the days,
long now passed in a vicious haze.
well the fire we started just turned to ash.
so this hole that's been burning in the pit of my chest has done nothing but eat away at my ribs and lungs.
It's been burning away since the days we got lost when we were young.
Just like the house we saw on Graham,
With the burned out windows and it's blackened walls,
I hear the aching in my heart, so lonely in this empty flesh,
It sounds like a ghost as it calls.
I keep calling your name, but you'll never answer.
The sooner I accept that, the better.
Just know I'll pick up where we left off.
I'll try to move on, but I don't think I'm that strong.
I have had it all wrong,
I wonder if my grandfather
thought that, when on a steamer
he arrived a dreamer
of moving west from Montreal
single trying to find a life, better,
opened and tasted peanut butter,
and never did ever eat that again,
I have had it wrong, all of it
He kept dreaming and trying,
took the train to the northern Alberta,
saw his dreams take shape as he built
homes for other dreamers,
he met his wife, but that is a poem for another story,
he was a pacifist, he did not support, killing another,
but he sure had a temper,
for a peaceful man, he decided to retire, and that
let him get old, I admire for what he stood for and sit at
a desk he built with my dad.
I still have had it all wrong.
The desk is nothing special
other than the hands and
knowledge that built it
and something a father and a son
did together, one of the last things
of each other, that
would be remembered, they worked well with their hands.
Both men were dreamers.
My dad had his dreams, he mostly kept to himself,
but you just knew that they were to do with
things outside of the house.
Oh don't misunderstand, he loved working with wood,
he knew firearms, he recieved a Medal for Military Merit,
for dedication above and beyond what a militiaman was
to do, he wasn't a pacifist, in many ways he was different
from his dad and so many more he was exactly the same.
Shame, I have had it all wrong.
I was not an A student, but Gee, I tried hard,
my potential was palpable we just needed to resuscitate it from time to time,
I joined the CAF, married and had three who have amazed me,
with their strong beliefs, so different from one another, see?
I have worked twenty jobs and not one among them defined as a career...
oh and yes, I have spent time in an unemployment line.
I am not a carpenter, like the other two could, my grandfather as a career
my dad took it on as a hobby, I am a pacifist, yes, but don't push to hard,
I might write you into a poem...
I have written so many serious and sombre pieces,
There is already so much sadness in the world,
If planet Earth could cry a tear, standby with the tissue,
I deal with my stuff in words, I try not to hang onto them,
Rather free them like birds, Ravens and Crows with Hummingbirds and Eagles,
My soul is sore and
Animus would rather soar,
so I pour the toxins from my mind, my skin, from my day
you already know I am not perfect I sin, from my way of life,
so I pour the garbage I live and beauty as I see
it is around me for you all to read, shame on me
I have had it all wrong.
I don't have to get it right, I must write.
How does it feel to miss something that was never yours?
To feel your heart burn daily for a lost love
who never loved you solely?
Is it truly lost, then?
How unimportant, used, betrayed, and lied to I feel.
He has someone new, and I stand here searching.
Struggling and fighting to keep an even keel.
Doing anything to keep my stomach from lurching.
I feel alone, lost, afraid, and unwanted.
Cold, embarrassed, angry, and haunted.
I'm weak, upset, distressed, and disheveled.
The walls of my heart, completely leveled.
But they're up now again, never to fall.
Never to lean, the strongest of all.
So thick and mighty like a redwood tree,
No one and nothing will ever get to me.
This chill you feel here in my soul?
It reaches my bones and dims my eyes.
I embrace the cold to only feel whole
I spread my wings to fly over the lies.
I lie to myself, I lie to them, and I lie to him.
I'm convinced it's all ok, all alright.
Hoping no one can see the pain inside,
My heart's fire slowing to an ember dim.
It gets better day by day, night by night
I'll find a way to do what's right.
I'll move on, just as he
I'll be as strong as that redwood tree.
I'm a sapling now, small and weak.
I'm very thin and my voice is meek.
But give me time and water my roots
And you can be the first to taste my fruits.
Seek it out, and ye shall find
You're the one to release my mind.
Lend me your wings or teach me to fly
One way or another, I'll touch the sky.
He's not a bad guy, she's not a bad girl
But thoughts of them make me hurl.
She smart and she's pretty,
She's nice and she's witty.
He's handsome and tall,
He's wonderful, all in all.
I should be happy, I should be glad
But all I feel right now is super sad.
I have good days and I'll have bad
But half the time I'm raging mad.
Break ups are not easy or fun
But sometimes they must truly be done.
I've fallen for a pilot on the USS Bush
A life impossible without a great push.
See, I desire to be a Marine
Strong, proud, and incredibly pristine.
Two officers together but always apart
Far in distance, but near in heart.
No one can say what the future holds.
But I can't wait to see what unfolds.
I'll find myself with or without him.
I'll earn my wings and so much more.
My dreams will fill my heart to the brim.
My dream be in the United States Marine Corps.
Alone or together I know I'll be me.
This life or the next, I know I'll be free.
What’s the chance
That you would actually listen
What’s the chance
That you would just understand
What’s the chance
That I’m just in the way
and you don’t care?
He’s Not You
They all have the right lines
But it doesn’t taste as sweet
Rolling off their lips
They call me sexy and gorgeous
But it isn’t as flattering
As when hearing ‘you’re beautiful’
They all have the right moves
But they have their own rhythms
That don’t sync with mine
They pick up on the things I like
But they don’t make anything of it
To remind me that they still notice
They all have the right ambitions
But they have their own agendas
That are opposite of mine
They like the things that I like
But never the little things
That mean the most to me
They all have the right reasons
But they don’t have the safety
That gives me comfort to approach
They all have the things I should want
But they just don’t measure up
To all that they should be worth
They don’t stare into my eyes,
Smiling, with admiration and intrigue
They don’t find subtle ways to compliment,
Their own way of flattering me
They don’t call me “young lady,”
Make me smile for no reason, laugh without trying
They don’t keep me coming back for more,
The sarcasm, kindness, the ease of being myself
They don’t give me the nervous feeling,
Make me clam up, make me happy, all at once
They don’t give me a fire to ignite, to pick the pen up
Be the fictional character in a story inspired by them
They don’t see my insecurities, the flaw in personality
Try to make it beautiful, dare me to embrace them.
They have it all,
But they’re just not you.
I could have him,
But he’s just not you.
THE WAY I SEE YOU
The gorgeous smile that you’ve been showing
Makes my heart beat so fast
It makes my heart go round and round
When I look at your dimples
I love telling you funny jokes
Because I admire your smile
Your laugh really makes me glad...
I am going in for another round or two
Come February I will be
romancing giant textbooks
I am going to have my balls deep in academia again
There's a new postgraduate student in town!
In a way this is part of my master plan to defer the reality of being thrust into the hideous job market
My relentless fruitless search for employment has left me disheartened and somewhat regretful
Though at the very end of the day I am proud of my accomplishment
I did it for me
What isn't immediately forthcoming is no reason for me to forget why I embarked on this quest for education
And why I held on
It is something no one can take away from me
The satisfaction of feeding your brain with knowledge is some kind of high
This is of course debatable
Perhaps I hide behind these books
As if they offer me fortification
Not letting anyone in
An ice queen of note
but you can't cuddle 2 degrees
And you cannot share a meal with either
For things to fall into place I am going to be needing a rather potent antidote for my general lameness.
You give me the cleanest air
You give me a push
In the right direction.
'Accept you can't always win.'
You give me unconditional love.
You give me the gift of love
Young and mindless and wonderful.
You're the reason I'm still standing.
The reason I snarl and grumble my way out of bed.
The reason I wake up everyday
You gave me hope before you were even mine.
And my heart so desperately wants to keep you.
You've made my life exciting
You'll always be my soulmate.
My Gentle Dream...
You both make me better.
You make me happy.
You Make Me Whole
And I'll never go a day without thanking God for my boy and my baby. My little pieces of heaven.