This is what it is to be a knight?
We don’t ever swoop in and fight
We are a distant far off, hopeful, light
Watching helplessly at evil’s delight
My name is Rachel
But others may refer to me as
Rach, Rachie, or Rae-rae.
I am nineteen years of age.
When I was a little girl
My smile was as bright as the sun
I ran and jumped and tumbled
I climbed trees that were so tall they touched the sky
And if ever I fell down
I picked myself up, still smiling.
It was when I was ten
That my smile finally faded
And my parents grew frustrated
And the day they told my brother, sister and I
That they weren’t going to be together anymore
Was the same day I fell
And wasn’t strong enough to stand back up.
Of complete and total darkness
Is what followed
And then half my face froze up
Stuck in a permanent state of nothing
A paralysis of the nerves
Labelled ‘Bell’s Palsy’
Was what finally motivated my dad
To get me out of there
And after a while
I must’ve been smiling pretty hard
Because the paralysis went away.
And now I’m here.
If I were to describe myself
I’d point out that I’m five foot, four inches tall, on a good day
When anxiety isn’t weighing me down.
Rarely do I ever stand up straight.
I have deep, dark brown eyes
That observe more than they can really see.
They remain hidden behind thick framed glasses
For they, themselves, wish not to be seen.
My hair is as brown and ordinary,
Long and untamed and always in the way.
I’d cut it all off, like when I was younger
But I look older this way
And my friends like it.
I spend most of my time blogging
Even though rarely does anything exciting happen to me,
But then, that’s what John Watson said
Right before he met Sherlock.
I love television and movies
I love video games
I love books
Because I love stories.
Listening to them
I’d never get bored.
I like books, their pages dry and crinkling at my touch.
I put more effort into procrastination than I do into any sort of work.
Death laughs, and life depresses me.
I’m afraid of a lot of things.
Sometimes I feel too much,
Sometimes I feel nothing at all,
And that frightens me.
My imagination tends to run wild,
And sometimes it’s beautiful
But sometimes it’s brutal.
Sometimes I’m just paranoid.
I think about thinking
I think about other people thinking
I think about other people thinking about what I’m thinking
I’m an over thinker.
Secretly I’m a hopeless romantic,
And I hope to fall in love without getting confused by the idea of it.
But that’ll happen when I’m ready for it.
I believe in the equality of all things, though I’m hesitant to say it’s achievable.
I know there’s good to be found in people
But I don’t understand why all I keep finding is bad.
I’m proud and prejudiced against prejudiced people
Jane Austen is my hero.
If you ask me my name
I’d probably stumble over it
Like I stumble over everything
Words seems to curl my tongue
They do wonders at the tips of my fingers
But die as soon as they cross my lips.
I get nervous when I have to speak
Or look someone in the eye
And I’m pretty sure my mouth has a mind of its own.
I like being alone but sometimes I get lonely.
I’m moody and temperamental, and a little mental
But those that care for me don’t mind.
I’m more inclined to listen
If I can sing along too.
I’m clumsy and uncoordinated.
I walk into doorframes and apologize.
I stub my toe and laugh
But other people’s pain makes me cry.
I know a few words in Italian,
Even fewer in Russian,
And they’re all slang or swear words.
When I blush my entire face is painted scarlet,
And my skin is so sensitive it’s sometimes a blotchy mess.
Unless I’m ranting.
Usually my thoughts make more sense
When I’m not thinking at all.
I am Rachel and this is barely scratching the surface of who I might be.
I should be in bed, shouldn't I?
But I can't with knowing that somewhere, you're awake, wide eyed and probably chilly.
Can you feel the crescent moon watching over you?
Do you feel the way I miss you all those miles away?
Come back, come back, come back.
Before she takes you away from me again.
Because this time I'm not letting go.
I know you hear me calling
Im lost Im lost
put me back to pieces.
You watch and sit there with that grin of yours
watching me deteriorate.
Ive seen it before,
feeling empowered you know you've done it again
sucking the life out of someone
thats what you do best.
Sitting all alone
Bored to all hell
Watching shobitz tonight
Especially knowing this isn't right
How is it right to obsess about strangers
People we watch or see on movie posters
These poor people have no private life
I guess that's what you get
When you sell your soul
Isn’t it a terrible business?
Realizing that magic and fairytales only survive on silver screens and amidst the pages of books. Watching your parents become creatures of fault and fibs before your very eyes.
Listening to every bit of your golden world become fiction in front of you.
The dinosaurs in the backyard don’t come out to play anymore.
And Prince Charming married the wrong princess.
Isn’t it a terrible business?
When you find out not all love is returned and not all people give their hearts as they should.
When you catch friends and family in lies that break you.
When your naivety is challenged by the undying possibility that no hope sits on your horizon.
Isn’t it a terrible business?
Giving up what you hold dear to chase pieces of paper that keep you off the streets.
Giving into a society that wishes to bathe in your glory and steal it from you.
Isn’t it a terrible business?
Why would anyone wish to grow up?
I, Betelgeuse, am freaking bored.
Of ripping fairy wings (I’m tired)
Of making the Minotaur cry
And watching reruns of Popeye
I wonder what my friend Polaris is doing?
Probably creating chaos (I’m assuming).
I wonder if she wants to go siren hunting?
I love warm outfits on cold days.
Wrapping my hands around hot coffee as the chilly wind scrapes across my skin, peeling away the usual layers of daydreams and ADD so I feel completely present, solely here
and alive right in this moment with my eyes open wider and my heart muscles stretching and straining to love everyone all at once but it's a good kind of pain-
But also I hate the hurt of pinching myself when we hurl our usual ragged chucks of disagreements at each other,
digging fingernails into my skin so I don't scream or slap you or sob
I hate crying silently on the phone with a pretend-happy voice.
And then seeing you break down for the first time...
Watching that hard golden shell dissolve completely-
Not just in sideways glances or offhand comments but gazing on as all your layers of fake smiles and witty comments came crashing down like the fucking wall of Jericho was heartbreaking
And the girl I saw there;
The wounded, angry, sobbing, snapping, scared animal in the corner raw and exposed and exhausted from the fight-
I couldn't help but love her too
I wish you didn't feel the need to be so strong all the time.
It's okay to slide apart every now and then
And you know what else I learned today?
Just because someone popped you out of their vagina and you don't like them all that much doesn't mean that you're a horrible person
2. What people act and what they feel are sometimes galaxies and universes and entire planets apart- so polarizing that you're often not sure who is who and which stars belong where and it's just a damn shitstorm of confusion
But don't worry about it
Because it's your job to love people for whomever they choose to show-
not to decide what is real and what is not.
We can always yell and cry a bit about that shit that's everyone's lives- be it malaria, crazy moms, homework, whatever-
then proceed to appreciate the fact
that we will always have hot lattes together on chilly winter mornings
have you ever noticed
that when people stare out the window on a bus or train or car or plane
that their eyes follow every single detail at a whiplash inducing speed
but their head stays put?
it's like they're mesmerized by something, something no one else can see
and they have to stare, unblinkingly
so it doesn't disappear.
their eyes flit back and forth like someones head, while watching a tennis match.
they rarely blink
until they tear their eyes away,
sleepy, unfocused suddenly
and stare straight ahead,
like nothing happened.
Monitoring your life
Ever beat, body weak
Your heart struggled to keep you alive
This shouldn't come as a shock
We've known for months
I knew you weren't here anymore
Simply existing physically
Your body wiped clean of all mental capability
Like an ocean tide batters the shore, you were diminishing
Until there was nothing else to take
Reminiscing back to the signs we ignored foolishly
Never thinking it was more than a slight lapse of memory
From a call to confirm your location
To forgetting the youngest generation
Temporary confusion faded to permanent loss
As you laid unconscious
The mask on your face providing oxygen
If you could hear me
Were you silently screaming for me to shut up so you could rest
Knowing you , you were concerned with my school and why I was at the hospital instead
Did you remember my name?
Could you conjure up my face?
Behind those delicate eyelids that hadn't done more than fluttered in days?
Remember reading to me as I say on your knee?
How we'd admire nature with a hand full of bird seed?
I though I'd accepted the fact you were gone
When we first suspected the disease
The one I wish was never created, never existed, that erased my existence from your mind indefinitely
As I stared at your face, peacefully sedated, I felt a twinge of pain
How is it this woman I knew to be so strong
Might as well have had fragile stamped on her face
A being so loving
Was now so faint
Like a painting left in the rain
Your colors had began to fade
Until they were white
White like the sheets, the walls, and the floor
The absence of life that exists behind hospital doors
Your body slowly tried to quit
Hard headed as always . You said not yet
So frail you held on to the little life you had left
Until Heaven loosened your hold
I find solace knowing you're in a better place
Where you can remember lived one's names
Watching over us in the paths we take
I'm resigned now to the fact you had to go
But as long as you could
You made God wait