it’s not the same when you touch her chest with your breath
what her heart hears is off key and she compares it to the best
bedtime story she’s ever heard
the kind where she becomes little red riding hood herself
with a basket of goods
that everybody wants
but she doesn’t want to fuck any of them
because she already knows that it’s the same as a sunny day but with too much wind
or one of those green suckers with a big bug inside of it
“fuck off,” she says to all the wolves and all the pigs and all the fools
they still come at her like a family of bonobos come in a day
it’s hard to run away from something that is happening to you all the fucking time
it gets you sick with a hook,
the short moments it stops happening, all you want is to run and find it
because attention is softer than loneliness
even if it is as sad as an addict tearing off couch cushions, in search of half a dime bag
- but as soon as she stopped looking for a face with eyes to love her
she took a dip in the forest, heard the birds
felt the pine needles on her bare feet bottoms,
sang like Snow White
and found herself an old lumberjack, building a house
it dawned on her that all the wolves and all the pigs and all the fools,
looked real fucking gross
I walk the empty road of hurried days
the dark holds opportunities that the light burns through.
Nerves have been narcissistic
in that self-loathing battering
that I promised you I wouldn't commit to again.
is it different if you're a witness?
Hiding isn't part of the agenda,
if you could call irrationality an agenda.
here's to touching upon a few points in which I don't show all sides.
I'm nervous to talk to the people who make me happy
and I'm jaded to their presence,
because I'm a modern-day gatsby
with a touch of bukowski (or maybe a slam)
and all I want is for this romantic inside of me to give up on the struggle
and give in.
I want to let her form allude me because it's not important,
she just wants recognition for the fact that she has an education
and knows how to use it.
I'm just going to let my words smash onto the page, maybe edit
before a show, maybe not.
Probably go drink a beer on the local trail and stare at the back
yards of the wealthy and sharpie in an eye ball on the cement
brick on which I set my empty bottle for company, because
flowers don't get far in foam.
Nostalgia here we are again,
this time there's no search for meaning,
I know you completely and ever since we've met
you've refused to let go (somewhat of a curse, yet I love you).
If I want to let myself be free, then I have to let go of others judgement.
If maybe for a second I didn't think of what others thought about me
and I didn't think about them to occupy the empty space, then I would
truly return to the person I was before my self-esteem plummeted beneath
all that I knew to be right and wrong. Before it hurt to write my feelings
because of the fear that what I wrote wouldn't be good enough, or long enough,
no matter how many compliments came shooting through me.
"I forgot, you're bad at accepting compliments."
I don't want that to be true, I don't want to beat myself up
over the fact that someone else has great beauty simply
because I am blind of my own.
Self-love, here I come,
it'll help me live life without tangles.
stream of consciousness
thought I'd lost it, here's
something for the soul, I
appreciate all who accept
whatever it is I'm doing.
I guess one would call it:
i am a lost girl
the kind who will let you stare
into her ocean eyes for free
and swallow your compliments
while always knowing
all nourishment is temporary
i am a lost girl
the kind who has sorrow burned on the inside
of her mouth
nothing can take the taste away
not even love not even people
who said they would stay
because she knows more than anyone
that they never do
i am a lost girl
the kind whose passion will tug on your heartstrings
so hard you will be able to feel
the vibrations throughout your entire body
long after she has left you
covered in kisses and invisible bows
stranded on an abandoned
i am a lost girl
the kind that knows what she wants
but does not have enough drive or self esteem
to keep a solid grasp
for certainty has always been like sand
slowly slipping through her fingers
i am a lost girl
the kind that will settle on what little power
she has left
the kind that will sing you to sleep
if in turn you will tell her
that she is beautiful regardless
of if you mean it
Rap is a vulture
Black star in light
It wants to feed on hood rats
Or white boys with too much time
Pick me clean of responsibility
Encrust my bones with diamonds
Scatter my mixtape to the winds
Give me a sneaker range
Give it to me. NOW
ME: She destroyed me and everything that I held onto. She drove me to suicide so many times and she didn't care. She just kept making my world darker and darker and she didn't stop. I tried suicide last night. I'm alone and I can't keep trying to live. I'm honestly done.
NATALIE: What did she do to you!
ME: She took/turned all my friends, even family against me. She bullied and harassed me. She just destroyed me by doing whatever the Hell she wants to with people's emotions.
NATALIE: Don't kill yourself! I'm sorry, was I part of it?
ME: When you were crushing on Kennedy, on her, I knew you would push me away and you kind of did... You're the only reason why I'm still here today. but I know that if I asked you out, you would say no...
NATALIE: Ali I care and love you..... if you hurt yourself that would hurt me too. If I made you sad I'm sorry, really, really sorry.
ME: I self-harm. Have since I was seven... I'm sorry. now you'll hate me because of it.
NATALIE: I DON'T HATE YOU! NEVER WILL! I don't care about your mistakes
ME: But you and I won't ever end up together. Would we?
NATALIE: Why wouldn't we? When do you move ..
ME: I have no idea when I'm gonna move. I'll be here for 9th grade. You're way too good for me anyways. That's why I thought you and I wouldn't end up being a couple. Am I wrong?
ME: So what are you saying???
NATALIE: I'm not sure. Don't take that the wrong way ..
ME: I already can tell that you are way too beautiful, smart, cute and amazing for me. If I told you I loved you more then anything else in the world, you would be weirded out.
NATALIE: No I wouldn't.
ME: Dude, trust me, I'm never going to be with you, you're just being nice to me.
NATALIE: Shut the fuck up. JK. But really...
What does it mean to you?
That night, my eyes paraded along beige pages
Dripping with satire, self-loathing and daddy issues
And I felt the cynic in me dance like a madman
Who had just snapped the neck of a baby bird
Cruel and unsympathetic, but dancing all the same
And then my eyes met a string of printed black shapes
Which halted me, though lukewarm in comparison
To its sibling pushes of ink, jeering and suicidal
The shapes read,
“People don't want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. Their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown.”
It was something I'd touched several times before
But denied myself to hold on to
I would catch it like a leaf in the wind
Then my eyes would cross its black spots
And I would let it go, brushing my hands of it
But that night, in my madman craze and my sneering laughter,
I felt the familiar bother of a leaf orbiting my skull
And my eyeball parade froze and my madman feet could dance no more
So I lay there until I felt the sun blush and heard the birds begin to sing
For it was not one of their own laying still, plagued by demise
Craving something so impossible yet so
Wishing for that small wish which is too far
Hoping for that first time, that first, meaningful
In which your lips meet
And we close our eyes and breathe in the
But alas, I am a hopeless and romantic
A fantasy girl that nobody
So I shall wait for the absolute perfect
Wish upon the dead and falling stars that claim to have
And on every 11:11 clasp my hands and
Because I have figured out, I can't wait
Submission upwards towards the void of eternal blessings in disguise
The angel behind the leather mask
Just wants us to feel out the sacred nature of our transgressions
Just vibrations stuttering along to a heartbeat
Tearing a hole in the sky
Teasing out the idea of turning you on
You were already lit up
Reflecting the Sun
Igniting fire to my loins
You came in the dark and left marks
Bruising my ego to dismantle itself
You held me down like sleep paralysis
Demanding my soul to sacrifice itself to the Moon
Watching with pleasure
You were the shadows in my room
Dancing the divine candlelight
A cuckold of my imagination
as I took it lying down
This is worship
This is tribute
Descend on me
She wants to feel the softness of feathers upon the tips of her toes
Reaching out for comfort that will surely come
Caresses the moments before midnight
With suger kisses so sweet
Like honey coated forgiveness
She smiles into her lovers eyes of crystal dew
Her sences reeling
Like the figurine within an ancient music box
As the music surrounds the childs mind so pure
There is more captured within
The sweetness is soured only by memories
She paints with fingers in the suger
There are things so worth forgetting
She sees him sleeping and places
mirrors where his eyes once looked upon her
For now she will see herself
The way he see's
The blood from the girl child dried as he slept
There was to be no more sugered moments
No more honey for him to savour
she had seen
Her worth in his eyes
Such a shame sweet child
She should of loved herself with toes touching feathers
Reaching for a comfort
That would only be found in forgiveness of self
Far beyond the place he sleeps
With mirrored eyes of crystal dew
He awakes to find his beloved drenthed in death
He reaches for moments which never come
Her projection of him so false upon this moment
As in a moments seperation
She sees with her angel presence
The suger he tastes on lips so pure
His tears now mingle with the blood
As he tears her mirrors from his eyes
He understands not
Why white feathers are falling from the sky
He smiled that smile
that made his eyebrows touch
the heavenly clouds
And ran his hands through
hair of scraggly branches
and littered fresh leaves
She melted in his sight
as she always did when
he looked at her in that way
How can I help you?
he asked her as he always did
in that same manner, in that same place
Oh, the usual, please
She said, oh so, timidly
so quietly that it led to...
I'm sorry. I didn't catch that
He replies, as he always does
with that witty, devilish grin
-Ahem- The usual, please
She looks down as she feels
him caressing her with his glance
Sure thing, hon
He walks behind the curtains
and comes back with the box
She looks at him
then back at her feet
Maybe... um... maybe
Courage rushes through
her tiny, lithe frame
Yes? He knows
He can tell what it
is that she wants
Would you do it for me?
The words tumbled out
from her without form
He smiled at her with
that usual smile as he
took the item from the box
It shined a sheen so
bright that the world
stopped for a spell
It curved where there
should have been no
curves, this curiosity
Holding it was against
the very fabric of reality,
tearing away at its seams
She was breathless
as she watched him
take such tender care
He held this thing
out towards her
as though it lived
As though it breathed
and cried, smiled and
laughed as a child
She undid her summer blouse
and slid her chain to her back
as she welcomed him and it
Though this was normal
for him to do with her
he was still breathless
For she was a sight that
was never truly seen
and never truly caught
As he pressed this light
to her chest, to her core
for a moment, they burned
More lustrous and resplendent
than the angels with their swords,
or the gods in their aery homes.
Within that disquieting silence,
fate was made whole and holy
as time became an aberrant line
One that stretched from her light
to the one that now shone through
from this man she always came to see
And it was all over before naught
as he withdrew his hands and
ran them threw his messy hair
She opened her eyes
watching him stand there
and smiled that smile
See you tomorrow, then
She said to him as she
sauntered through the door
Only once looking back
to watch him watch her
and smile that smile.