It was just a little test for myself
Sometimes I like to do that, throw little challenges here and there
I wanted to see if I could do what most girls fail at
I wondered if I could spend the night with the cutest guy in school and not get attached
A little drugs, a little drinking, the rest of the night together making memories he wouldn't remember

But I woke up in the morning and left, freaking out
I picked up my clothes and tried to put them on silently so I wouldn't wake him up
I didn't want him to be angry
He truly does have the most beautiful face I've ever seen
Before I snuck out the door left ajar,
I peeked back at him
I'd never seen his hair product-less and messy like that
I'd never seen his face so far away, thousands of miles in dreams and thoughts
This man who drank and swore and didn't seem to have any soul at all
Then looked to me like a beautiful, vulnerable child

I knew I had to get out before the feelings came so I ditched that room as fast as possible
I hopped over unconscious bodies still recovering from the haze of the previous night's party
I finally found an empty recliner
And dozed off

I woke up two hours later in a fright
I was in a room full of people I didn't even like
Why did I go to that party anyway
Those were not my people
Drugs and drinking were not my thing
Oh, now I remember
It was his birthday party
He who held me like a baby after a night of acts that would make any mother cringe
I knew this recliner was a bad idea and wondered if there was any way I could get back in bed with that beautiful boy
I knew I'd always regret it if I didn't

I opened the door as silently as possible
and crawled back under those thick white sheets
I tried to lay as far away as possible,
because people who don't have feelings for each other do not need to hold each other more than necessary
And he had none for me
And I could not have feelings for him
Just when I felt a hollow sadness strike
He reached out his foot and placed it adjacent to mine, a small gesture
I let his instep match mine and sighed inexorably with content
This little touch filled me with a happiness I'd never known
No feelings though, remember?
I chased that thought away and let my other foot get tangled up in his
My legs followed and soon we were cuddled up again
I peeked at him again and saw a trace of a smile on that (hungover and half-asleep, but beautiful) face
I wanted to kiss him but I wasn't sure if that was allowed
So I just pressed my smile against his arm
We laid there forever it seemed

Eventually though, he held me out at arms length and leaned away from me and began to cough
He coughed a few times and apologized,
then coughed just a few more
Then he went back to sleep

I can't explain the way I felt when those coughs hit him
I wanted to reach out and hold him
I know he smokes way too much
But I felt like it was my fault his lungs weren't perfect
I wanted to protect him from all things bad like coughing
All the signs were there before, now that I look back
But that's the exact moment when I knew feelings were going to be a problem

the very first time I went to a phycologist
my mother had already spoken to her
and given her "the whole story"
so that when i went in to speak to her
she thought she already knew everything

so i think half the problem was that
i didn't get a chance to get comfortable
with this random lady
and then come out with my problems
when i felt it best
i was forced into talking about them
right away

also i think where she had talked to my mother first
she had developed a bias
so she was on my mother's side
and thought her words were law

because when i went in and sat down
she told me i was being a selfish little girl
and that i needed to stop doing these things
because my parents didn't deserve
to have to deal with it

she said i probably had no friends
and made my list all of the friends i did have

she said i have to imagine being in my parents shoes
and seeing how this would effect them
but all i could think was that she didn't know
what my parents were actually like
and she had no business standing up for them

she couldn't imagine the nights i'd spent
crying on the fucking floor
with my father standing over me yelling
that i was being a stupid child

or the nights they would lock me out of the house
and i'd be stuck sitting on the doorstep
until my little brother would come down
and sneak me in

and so i sat in her red office
on her red fucking couch
and cried for an hour
while she basically told me off

and then my parents came in and joined me
and the lady said that things were going great
and i should come back the week after
she also gave me some homework
i was supposed to think about my future
and write down where i wanted to be
in ten years

also, she said that i wasn't allowed
to talk about anything she said with anyone
for at least two days
so i would have time to let it sink in

as soon as i left there i went to my boyfriend (at the time) 's
house and told him everything
then i took the fucking sheet with the homework on it and wrote

"in ten years i want to be fucking dead"

it felt like she didn't even care about my problems
like all that mattered to her was the money
she was going to make having me sit in that chair
for an hour a week

it felt like she was trying to cram me into this mould
that she and my mother had created for me
that didn't even consider my own feelings and plans

i felt ignored, disrespected, alone, and pathetic

if the therapist wouldn't even try to help me
what hope did i even have

___________________­_

someone please tell me this isn't how therapy always works
cause god i know i need it, but i've kind of been scared off of it

if i have a little girl, i want her to know that she has a little life.
she has time but not enough
i'll tell her to run her dirty paws on every wall
and yell at the top of her lungs,
so the world hears her voice.

"and little girl" i will tell her "you're beautiful."
you're beautiful like sun hitting broken glass
beautiful like clean blue paint
beautiful like your father
with butterfly eyes
and rosey lips.

That night, my eyes paraded along beige pages
Dripping with satire, self-loathing and daddy issues
And I felt the cynic in me dance like a madman
Who had just snapped the neck of a baby bird
Cruel and unsympathetic, but dancing all the same

And then my eyes met a string of printed black shapes
Which halted me, though lukewarm in comparison
To its sibling pushes of ink, jeering and suicidal

The shapes read,
“People don't want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. Their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown.”

It was something I'd touched several times before
But denied myself to hold on to
I would catch it like a leaf in the wind
Then my eyes would cross its black spots
And I would let it go, brushing my hands of it

But that night, in my madman craze and my sneering laughter,
I felt the familiar bother of a leaf orbiting my skull
And my eyeball parade froze and my madman feet could dance no more
So I lay there until I felt the sun blush and heard the birds begin to sing
For it was not one of their own laying still, plagued by demise

You want to be able to do everything,
Don't you, darling?
You want to be able to sing a song that awakens the soul,
To write words that people will live by.
You want to tell jokes that even the toughest crowd would laugh at,
And paint pictures that will evoke tears from the coldest hearts.

But did you ever think that maybe someone loves that you always burn the pancakes because you can never flip them in time?
Or how you look crazy trying to dance with your two left feet?
Maybe someone loves that gap in between your teeth because it makes your smile unique,
And how you complain that your hair never sits right on your head.

So before you long to be perfect,
Try embracing your imperfections.
Someone loves you for them.

Its that time of night
when all I do is try to write
but all that comes out is
words and not WORDS

Everything is funnier
in this funny time of night
and yet nothing has made you
want to cry so hard in your life

Isn't everyone lonely
in this lonely time of night
but a thousand other people
are lonely tonight

Lets all be lonely together

It's getting to that time of night
when the numbness becomes
unbearably
light

I'm afraid I'm starting to feel again
and believe me
I've never wanted to understand
why all our lives end

It's finally that time of night
when blood looks blue and not red

They say,
Don't. You'll just fall for her over and over again.
Maybe you're not worried about the falling.
You just don't want me to strike gold.

She said,
Don't. This was my fault. I'm sorry.
Maybe it was your fault.
You just can't see me make another mistake.

You said,
Don't.  You're the most important one in the end.
Maybe you just can't keep me away from the intersection of HeartBreak and Stupidity Lane.

I said,
Go.  I have so much to think about right now.
Maybe I have one thing on my mind...
And that's to ask you to give me a chance.

Everything you want, handed to you
But nothing you need is here

They'll give you the stars, the moon, all the planets.
but you can't have the Earth, you can always die of thirst.

I feel I am drifting away from you,
Suddenly heartbroken.
Does this mean we can never go back to before?
To the place that held us together?
Everything is thin.
A layer of pretense we may never define...
But a lie that we with hold to keep the true reality safe.

I don't want to lose you.

Please keep my smile close to yours.
Forever.