I remember the days of rambling aimless down beaches naked of past and frozen in present with zero regard for future. I remember the smell and sound of ocean cracking against shore in broken fragments of bop rhythm. I can still recall faces of people I never met and still hear the voices of closest friends and lovers and strangers and pets who came to the forefront of my reality and then vanished into the wind with nothing more than a simple note to say goodbye. I can recall the trips down coast routes in cars, borrowed from nobodies for a time to get from A to B without worrying about starvation or getting lost - with the mystical island rocks deep in sea, poking through the surface to greet the eye with asymmetrical wonder. The seals on abandoned sands, moaning for death and sinning with boredom and sheer laziness of the upmost amplitude. I can remember standing on roadside, sticking out thumb, smiling, and catching rides within a minute by the most incredible of characters to wander together through the paved isles of earthly human veins of vanity transport. I can remember remembering memories that have faded into silk dreams of past-life same-form consciousness that only surface from time to time to whisper sweet proverbs of sage and true light - I remember forgetting nothing and carrying on to see if anything actually matters in the grand scope of pearly eyes of cosmic vision - I remember, I remember, I remember.
Did she caress my head
Did she smile
Was I drunk and wrong instead
Did I imagine what was said?
Did she touch my hand
Did she look with some desire
Was there longing in her eyes
I am uncertain with goodbyes
As she left I question
Was it kindness was it care
was it gentle friendship
That was there?
Was it sex was it lust
Was it baseless short desire
That plays me to the fire?
Was it movement without meaning
Was it apathetic leaning
Absentminded action that was lacking in all feeling?
I don't know
I don't know
But I wonder while I wander
Through my memories and ponder
Did she? Was she? Will she?
Be someone I should pursue?
I don't know,
i wander through the forest of forsaken dreams,
under the dim light of the red stars.
And i'm shocked by what I see,
they're gone. They're truly gone.
I hold myself together and shed my soul,
into the lake of silent spirits.
And the water reflects my face,
and I'm shocked by what i see,
Nobody knows where the Ragman goes
In the wee, small hours of the morn,
When he’s taken the dray with your rags away
Through the pin-point eye of a storm.
He came to stay while you were away
And your sister gave him your dress,
The one with the dreams and the bright sequins
Sewn in to the lace at the breast.
She said that you wouldn’t be needing it
Since your dreams have faded to dust,
When all those hundreds of bright sequins
Were dimmed, and turning to rust,
But the Ragman knew that he’d capture you
If he made away with your dreams,
And sits unpicking your party dress
With a razor blade at the seams.
Your sister Grace has a second face
That she turns when she’s not near you,
In a zealous, jealous and carping place
That she keeps well hidden from view,
For nobody gives her a second glance
While she schemes and dreams and plots,
To plant your beauty deep in the ground
With a host of forget-me-nots.
Don’t peer too long from the balcony,
Don’t stand too long at the edge,
She’s loosened the rail you lean upon
And thrown the bolt in the hedge,
A sudden rush and a simple push
Will send you a long way down,
While she prepares her look of despair
As they plant you there in the ground.
I’m only a menial footman here
But my love is stamped on my face,
I’m going to track the Ragman down
And bring him back to this place,
I’ve seen his dray by a cottage door
In the forest of chills and frost,
And seen the women he buys and sells
Who wander the forest, lost.
Your sister sips on a nightly draught
As she sits and watches the Moon,
Plotting to see the end of you,
I know that it’s coming soon.
I’ll drop a potion into her drink
And tie her up in a sack,
Then throw her up on the Ragman’s dray,
She’ll never be coming back.
He’ll take her deep in the forest there
To the caves of unshriven souls,
Then put her up on the auction block
And sell her to one of the trolls.
The bolt is back in the balcony rail
And the potion’s in her drink,
The Ragman’s dray is coming today
And your sister’s at the brink!
David Lewis Paget
where does the gravel come from
how can the sea but move
for many thunderous miles
the shells and rocks so smooth
and lay them as one on the beach
for two hundred yards or more
amid the cleanest and softest of sand
there's some half the size of a pea
of yellow brown and white
the black ones mixed in with the grey
truly a colorful sight
some striped some orange some green
but the one which seems all too few
is the color that's always my favorite
when will I find one of blue
those who've wandered for years
on beaches all around the land
will know of the longing frustration
a blue one to have in the hand
they're in all the fish ponds and maybe
it's paint which gives them their hue
but surely dear old mother nature
could knock out a few colored blue
tomorrow I'll go out again
in the beautiful glow of the dawn
wander for miles on a search
to see if my blue one has been born
holding on grim to the faith
akin to a clover of four
I know that in the sand there
is a glorious blue one for my score
If you love me like I'm leaving, I won't go.
If you love me like I'll be here forever, you've already lost me.
If you love me like I'm irreplaceable, I'll take to you with the same respect.
If you love me like you do all the rest, I'll step down so you can make your rounds
If you love me like I'm almost close enough to touch, I'll move in closer.
If you love me with a heavy arm around my shoulders, I'll fall to the weight and sink.
If you love me like I'm all you can see within a 100 mile radius, I'll zoom in on you and won't let your gaze go.
If your eyes wander and roam, I'll do just the same-
For I have no time for anything that isn't breathtaking, capturing, engrossing, daunting, exhilarating or exciting.
I'm not asking for perfection, meticulously crafted love and endless adoration.
I'm asking for a fight, for a consistent effort. I'm asking for you to not give up when you already have me.
If you love me like you don't have me, I'll be yours.
If you love me like you have me, I surely will never be so.
I know my age is a factor; I'm too young to have anything that mature or breathtaking. But I find myself disappointed in what I receive sometimes because I want love that lasts and endures. I want something grand and heart wrenching because it's that damn powerful. It's not ideal or realistic but I just want someone out there to look at me like I'm all there is to be seen, and continue to look at me like that forever. To me, that's love. Never giving up, even when you get all you've dreamt of and more. You keep trying for it, fighting. Because love isn't easy, it's not for anyone who isn't willing to try.
Love is daunting, scary, time consuming, laborious, and so much more. But it is SO worth it. I'm just here, waiting for someone that might look for me for 10 years and never stop looking at me after.
Making up my distraction as I go along, I say that im ok, but I think we all know that im wrong. Im raging inside my own mind, trying so hard to leave a fucked up road behind. Still desperately wanting to rev it up and drive in reverse all over again. "No!", "no!" I scream back into the shadows; I will not be a slave to YOUR ways. I wont crumble and fall to the feet of anyone that says they care, I wont get fucked up just to feel better, I wont cry over the stupid shit, I wont worry like hell on something I know I cant change. I promise! But...ive broken that promise so many times ive lost track, and that road of the damned I wander aimlessly, begging and trying so hard to fight my way out. Im so sick of the games, of the hangovers, bad memory and shame. All I ever wanted...was not to end up, insane. But I am...and I will be...and nothing will ever change.
I can only stand to think of the things
before my very own eyes
for a mere moment
before my mind begins to wander…
I sit here in idleness, waiting for myself.
Oh god, what have I done.
Dear Flawless Fairy,
I write to You with good and bad news
First of all, on a positive note,
You are the moon
I can't tell You how great it feels
To finally find You
My sunshine saunter
Was a worthless wander
Before Your cool caress
Graced my heart
Now for the negative,
I no longer feel sad and blue
I know this sounds like I didn't lose and
But now I cannot write my frowns down
I only smile because You make everything worthwhile
I used to pen depression on paper
With sarcastic laughter pretending I enjoyed it
But I didn't
Though I wrote such heavy heartache
I couldn't wait for my clouds to break
Allowing me to shine on
Your beautiful face
So I regret to inform you all
I won't be pouring my tear filled soul out anymore
I know how much you enjoyed the pain
But I can't help but refrain from these failed feelings
I don't believe in them
I've been moonstruck at midnight
She once was crescent and
Now is full of my bright
I once was clouded and
Now She reflects my light
Back upon me
I'm so happy :)
She is my beautiful celestial body
She is my elegant flawless fairy <3
Lord, I’ve got this problem weighing on my heart.
And when I meet new faces, it’s tearing me apart.
Like: can they see through me? Do they know?
Lord, you’ve been at the receiving end
Of all of my calls,
When I cried and cried-
I swear they could hear it through the walls.
You know that I’m the same me
Who from down on both knees
Tried to pray away this thing within me.
And, Lord, I remember it clearly:
"Lord I don’t want to want this; please take it away.
I don’t want to keep living in this sick, perverse way."
Lord, you know if I could’ve I would’ve
Washed my mind out with soap
Because the hands of my iniquity
Kept tightening around my throat
I know I lost control too many times along the road,
But was I really to blame for this unbearable load?
Did I do it to myself? Let my mind wander too far?
Lord, I just really have to know,
Because I’ve come this far, and it’s been so long,
But yet I find myself singing the same sad song.
Will it ever go away, God? Please take it away.
I was coping with this yesterday,
And I’m still coping today.
It’s a long and tired battle,
And not many understand.
I’m in between these two extremes
And there’s no one to hold my hand.
And that might be because I would have to let them know,
And this side of me I’m not too eager to show.
I wish they could see it as a problem like one of their own
But instead they see me as excluded from calling the Kingdom home.
So I guess it makes sense when I feel so alone.
I have people to my left saying I can’t change who I am
And people to my right who think me unworthy of the Promised Land-
Unless I change the way my mind seems to be programmed.
But I want to be
What God wants me to be,
And I’m on a personal journey
To find just what that means.